Intimacy and the Lack Thereof

It's been a long time since I've entered anything and published any thoughts here. 
I believe 2018 was the last year I published a blog. 

A lot has happened.

So much.

I won't say much on the political climate or the global pandemic...I don't have the energy to devote to that.

Today I listened to an almost hour-long video posted by David Archuleta. 
I have always admired him and always felt a certain love for him. His later music has always struck a chord with me.

As I listened to what he said, so much emotion built up in me. I'm crying still. 

I don't have eloquence or extensive knowledge to make this a beautiful post.

He has come out as gay and was pondering on what that means for him and being a member of the LDS faith. 

I've all but resigned from the church, so it's been interesting to see his journey since coming out publicly. 

As I've distanced myself from the church more and more, the more I've been starting to allow myself to question who I am. Who I REALLY am. 

I've lost my faith in God...or at least the god that the church teaches us to believe in. 

David had such a beautiful way of saying that he came to know that God was there and that he made him that way and that he loves him exactly as who he is. I wish I had that comfort in my life. 

I've never truly questioned who I am...not until now. 
Hearing David talk was what I needed to hear to start figuring this out. 
I mean, I've been questioning off and on, half-heartedly, for a few months maybe...but never allowed myself to truly look inside myself to see what it is I need in life to be fulfilled. 

I grew up playing with my best friend...I remember many times we would play as if we were having babies. I'd shove a ball under my tshirt and pretend to go into labor and push the ball out between my legs. Then, I'd hold a baby doll. I LOVED playing this. I even remember feeling something in my belly and maybe even groin area. (I had no idea what sex or sexual feelings were....not even a little) It was exciting. I knew I wanted to be a mom and give birth to a baby.
At that point in my life, I didn't know how babies were created. I thought they just appeared. (oh young Heather...ha ha)

Another time, in elementary school, I remember playing with some other girl friends. We'd pretend to get married to one of the other girls. I remember feeling so wrong doing that. I don't even remember exactly why I felt it was wrong for girls to be with girls and so on....I just remember feeling it was so wrong. I was definitely worried we'd get in trouble though. The other girls that pretended to be married didn't seem to think anything of it. 

I also remember another time that a friend and I would kiss each other...on the cheek. It only happened a couple of times. Again...I felt it was wrong. 

In the third grade I played a lot with my brother's friends (my brother is trans and is now my sister, but my memory is of them being my brother at that time, so I am going to say that for now). They had a boys-only club and I was the only girl allowed. 

I remember thinking I had a crush on one boy, Jeffrey. I wrote him love letters and everything.

I don't even remember actually feeling attracted to him. I just really liked him. He made me laugh. (And as an adult, he is VERY attractive...at least, the last time I saw a picture of him.)

There is another memory (these are all out of order)...the one that started the whole story with Danny. We were so young...maybe 5 or 6. His family invited mine over for dinner. Danny and I played with our siblings. At one point I suddenly found myself blurting out "I love you." I still don't know what made me say that, other than I just felt like I needed to say it. 

In high school I developed a serious crush on a guy named Jon. I didn't really find myself feeling attracted to anyone or looking at people romantically. I just remember having a lesson in church about figuring out the qualities we wanted in the man we'd marry. I didn't have many things written down. 
Later, at an activity, one girl mentioned how much she looked at Jon as being the person who had the best characteristics. I was struggling with wanting to go to church at that time (I believe I had tried to stop going for almost a month). This comment about him got me thinking. 
I started paying attention to who he was and started adding characteristics I attributed to him, to my list. Then I came to the realization that if he was already this amazing person, why would he want to marry someone like me. So, I worked as hard as I knew how to, to change who I was, to be more like him. 
I had the most intense feelings for him because of this. I always claimed that he changed my life. I still think he did. He gave me a reason to grow and change. But, we never even went out on a date. Embarrassingly enough, I emailed him when he was at college and asked him to prom. He declined and I spent the next 4 or so years feeling so mad at myself and embarrassed. No other guy I met at college compared to him. I held onto those feelings until I found out he was engaged. My heart hurt so much over that. 

Through the years in college I had small crushes on guys, but only a couple of other men really stand out. Again, it always turned into a one-sided story. Jaron was someone I looked to very much like Jon. Jaron...every time I think about that story....I get filled with a lot of emotion. However, again...he got married. Then there was Jacob. We actually did go on one date. Nothing ever happened after that.

Then there was Spencer. Spencer was the most intimate I've ever been with someone. And before you get any ideas...we never even kissed. I can still feel myself get excited when I think about the chemistry we had though. He would hold my hand and EVERY SINGLE NERVE in my body would light up. My lady bits would throb, breathing was hard to keep steady....I'd shake even. It was electric. I mean it in every sense of the word. He found someone else....per usual. 

Then there was another Jon. We dated, but I felt awkward around him. The dating didn't go too far...but we did end up working together for a couple years. In that time I felt we had some chemistry. I wanted so badly for him to give me a second chance. I even asked at one point. He declined. 

Every time I try to go on a date now, however, I can't even bring myself to respond to someone. 

I think I've been hurt too many times (a massive over-generalization).

When I moved to Murray to go to massage school, things shifted for me. They've been shifting ever since. 

I had already lost my faith, but was still trying to hold on to the church in any way I could...holding out hope that I would find someone to marry in the temple and that we'd be ok after that.

There were very few men I found myself attracted to when I moved to Murray. And, the ones I found myself liking always turned out to be gay....or someone else really liked them. So, I learned to turn off my ability to get excited. 

Every man has disappointed me.

I was taught to have standards, and none of the men I knew met those. NONE.

I could dive headlong into how I see men now....that my dad hurt me and died, my brother now has better boobs than me, my grandpa died, and I have no real good men in my life. They've all left me. 

The last man in my life that I felt ok looking up to was my bishop in my mid-singles ward. He saved me at a really dark time in my life. However, he was released shortly after (abandoned again).

Unfortunately I had one bishop that actually made me very uncomfortable....he hugged me without my permission when my grandma died. Another bishop told me I needed to wear lipstick...saying something about my lips. It unnerved me then and only gets worse over the years. 

I had one massage client that I began having similar feelings towards....of being able to look up to and respect and hold onto as a father figure (totally not ok as a paying client)....but after many sessions of hearing him talk, he never listened to me and triggered feelings I had about my dad...that he didn't trust me.

I have been kissed only once in my adult life. I liked the guy enough. Phil. We went on one date. Then he ghosted me.

I've been getting sucked into the TikTok world and seeing lots of lesbian posts. I also have one friend who told me she was lesbian (she's actually been very instrumental in helping me progress out of the church). I've also been reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle.

To say I'm questioning things now is an understatement. 

I don't know if I'm sexually attracted to women....but I know I actually feel jealous of any gay woman I've come across. I see my friend, Ginny, and how happy she is now that she's out and living a more fulfilled life. I read the words of Glennon and wonder if I'd ever had the guts to do what she did for love.
And then I hear David Archuleta and I feel a longing to come to the conclusions he has...that he deserves love just like anyone else.

I do masturbate and prefer penetration (even though it hurts a lot). I do watch some porn and prefer imagining I'm the woman getting it from a man. But, the men usually creep me out. 

I'm coming to the realization that I genuinely don't like men. I get nervous when they're on my massage table. I hate hearing most of what they say when they're on my table. 
Most of the men in my life have rejected and/or abandoned me. 

If only women had penises I guess. I find women attractive in every way, except sexually. 

(Let's be honest, though, I can't picture myself ever being intimate with anyone at this point,  as much as I want to experience that.)

All of this being said...I talked to my therapist about it a little bit this week (not knowing how triggered I'd be after listening to David's video today). She mentioned just meeting it all as it is.

I don't know who or what I am at this point. I know I am lacking something in my life. I am also seriously lacking connection and intimacy. I want both of those thing so much it hurts. There is still a tiny part of me that wants to be a mom. 
However, I'm too scared at this point to allow any of it to happen. 
And, for now, that's how it has to be. 
I'm working on being ok with that. 

I want to do more reading and learning and hear more people talk about their experiences. I want to know I'm not alone.
I want a meaningful relationship in my life...so much. But, I'm not ready.

And I have to be ok with that. I am what and who I am in this moment, despite not fully knowing or understanding. 

You Never Forget When...

It's been more than a year since I've posted anything.

The past year has been a whirlwind. I still haven't accepted the fact that it's 2018. And here we are...it's almost 2019. There's snow on the mountains and the leaves are starting to fall to the ground.

The political climate has been something I've avoided delving into. Talk of people in power getting sworn into office not even half a week after everything in the news was about him getting accused of sexual assault. It makes me sick. We will never know if the accuser(s) were being honest, or making up stories to ruin a political career.

I personally have chosen not to pick a side. Why?

Because no one wins either way.

If this man was innocent, he will live with this accusation for the rest of his life and no one will ever fully be able to trust him. And, the accuser will have added fire to the flame of why no one takes sexual harassment accusations seriously.

If he was guilty, then it will be a stain on our already defaced country. Women all across the country have been hurt, and this just rams the sword in afresh and deeper.

Like I said, I am not taking sides. I wasn't there. I don't know. I don't trust anyone anymore, especially in politics.

However, I do have one thing to say, from personal experience.

A lot of people say this woman couldn't be capable of remembering the details of something that happened so many years ago.

Let me tell you, when someone touches you without your permission, not matter how long ago, YOU WILL REMEMBER EVERY DAMN DETAIL.

I am 33 years old.

Let me take you back to when I was in grade school. I don't remember which grade specifically. I know I was young enough to be on the small playground (which was grades K-3), and I wasn't in the oldest class on that side of the building. So, I was most likely in first or second grade.

I don't remember why, but I was walking back into the school building during recess. I probably needed to use the restroom. But, that's when my story happened.

There was a student in our school that was the kind of student that really couldn't communicate and had an aide with him almost always. He was in the class above me for most of my life and had probably been held back many more years. He eventually did graduate from high school, but at least another full year after I did.

I actually don't know what his disability was exactly, but he definitely was disabled. I'm not sure how much he really knew at that point in his life.

I was young enough to not know what sex was. I didn't know my vagina was for anything else other than the area where my pee came out of. I knew it was the area called 'private parts,' but I didn't understand why fully.

Now that you have a better picture of the circumstances...1st or 2nd grade naive girl and a mentally disabled boy...

I was walking up the steps to go back into the building when I was confronted by this boy.

He reached out his hands...if they were out to the side it would've looked like he was trying to hug me. However, his hands were not horizontal. One hand found its way to my head or shoulders and the other hand found its way directly to my crotch.

I don't know what he was trying to do. I was clueless. However, to this day, I remember vividly the setting and the feelings. I remember the important details.

My clothes were on, he didn't exactly fondle me, but he definitely touched me where he wasn't supposed to, and I had not given permission for such a thing.

I've been reminded of this event from time to time, but not until this past week as I've been working on some personal growth have I felt so much concerning this event.

This was more than 20 years ago. I was a CHILD! A scared, naive one at that.

Everything has been coming to the surface concerning this experience lately.

So, to say that someone can't remember something that happened 18 years ago is total and utter bullshit!!!!

I have the worst memory, but I remember that experience VIVIDLY. When someone does something like that, you don't forget.

Again, I am not saying I believe or don't believe this woman, I just know that if something really did happen to her, there's no way in hell she'll ever forget it. EVER.

It is a sad world we live in when something so severe is brushed under the carpet so easily.

I have to believe, more than ever, that where we fail as humans, God will serve the ultimate justice...whether in this life or the next. And I mean that for both sides.

Tiger Stripes

I've been working on something...or rather, on myself lately.
The past was not kind to me and I let food be my source of comfort.
I finally got sick enough that I decided to make some changes. I had discovered the Whole30 program before Christmas and bought the book, intending to start at the beginning of the year.
Not until I became unemployed and went back to work in February did I realize it was time to act on what I had found.
At the end of March I decided to start. I didn't pick a specific day, I just realized one day I had to change, so I went to the grocery store, stocked up for the following 2 days and started the following morning. It was meant to be a change for 30 days followed by a reintroduction phase. However, after hitting day 30 I knew I wasn't ready to reintroduce anything and I didn't trust myself around my old trigger foods. Tomorrow (in about a half hour), Thursday July 20th, is day 120. I plan to reintroduce some foods after this weekend (once I have money to buy the stuff I need ha ha).
At one point I saw 290 pounds on the scale. Yesterday I saw 240. I have essentially lost 50 pounds. (I'm not sure what I count as my starting weight as I didn't weigh myself the first day.)
I'm noticing so many changes...most of them are very positive. I might be dealing with a sinus infection or something weird right now involving weird headaches...but otherwise, I haven't felt this good in years.
I've expected that my skin may start sagging soon as I'm sure the elasticity isn't there to make me look perfect.
Tonight, though, I realized the extent of the damage I've done to myself over the past few years.
Pregnant women can celebrate their stretch marks, and even some previously overweight people celebrate their stretch marks as a reminder of where they've come from.
However, tonight, I feel the need to apologize to myself.
In my massage therapy courses I learned about how stretch marks are created. Don't expect me to give you a science lesson right now...I can't relate what I was taught. However, I know that I have physically hurt myself. I was depressed, I was suffering from anxiety, I was grieving the loss of my father. My mind was hurting and so was my soul. And when those hurt, it's so unbelievably easy to hurt ourselves physically.
Trust me, I'm no stranger to this problem.
As I'm healing my body from years of bad food choices, I'm realizing so may other things that need to be healed. First and foremost, my relationship with myself.
I need to stop hurting myself.
I am worth more than that. I sometimes think I can say that I love myself now, but really, it's only at the beginning stages of a relationship. I have so much further to go. My spirit and mental health have leaps and bounds to go, but I know I can do this.

So, someday I may be proud of my 'stripes' but today I'm coming to terms with what I've done and learning to make amends. And that's ok.

Such Times

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring


I decided to revisit one of my old favorite movies, the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I'm watching the extended version, in parts. It's too long for me to sit through completely in one sitting. I'm not 20 years old anymore.

Tonight I am watching the second disk on The Fellowship of the Ring. This quote has always felt important to me. It was even the quote my class chose to put on our high school graduation invitations and program. I don't think I I ever truly grasped the meaning of it though.

Ever since my father passed away I have been struggling with the idea of death. I realize how precious life is and how easily it can be lost. I often wonder how people can take it so lightly. We only get this one chance at mortality. When I hear stories of mass murders, senseless killings, people dying out of pure stupidity and other such meaningless ends, it always affects me. I can easily get caught up in thoughts of what the real meaning of life is...especially when life is so fragile.

Then I look at the world around me these days and it's so incredibly hard not to be terrified of what may happen next. Rumors of North Korea and nuclear bombs, news reports of Russia and their hatred of our country, the wars going on in the Middle East. I could go on and on....and I haven't even mentioned the potential hazards in our own country and even here where I live, in Utah (among other things, we're ranked #2 now for worst drivers in the country).

Hearing that quote just now really struck me. J.R.R Tolkien was a wise man. I wonder if he knew this particular line would be so relevant today.

Sometimes it's so incredibly hard to want to face another day. Anxiety is real and it seems easier just to hide from all that is around. But, I have to keep reminding myself that life is meant to be lived. What is the point in hiding for the rest of my life? I have no control of the world around me. I don't know how much time I've been given.

All I have to decide is what to do with the time that is given me.

Also...

I've taken up photography...

And sketching...

It's been a LONG time...

I don't even know where to begin.

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED!

I don't necessarily want to dwell on the past. It's over with and a part of my life I'd prefer not to have to live through again.

Brief recap:

2013:
*Left Ogden for Murray and went to massage school
*Went through 4 jobs (cook at a high school, Convergys, Subway & Deseret Book)
*Dad had first stroke
*Graduated massage school

2014:
*Started working as a massage therapist at a chiropractic clinic
*Also started work at Massage Envy
*Dad had more strokes

2015:
*Turned 30
*Got 2 different job offers with massage work (tried to take both but was emotionally unable to deal)
*Dad died
*Left Chiropractic job
*Traveled to Missouri, got caught it blizzard in Wyoming...never driving east in the snow again
*Mom moved to Missouri
*Same week Grandpa died (4 months after my dad passed)
*Started having serious panic attacks

2016:
*Turned 31
*Stopped going to church
*Had moment of personal inspiration-went back to church (after half a year or so)
*Got new massage job in Bountiful
*Traveled to Missouri to see mom...more panic attacks
*Quit both jobs (massage and Deseret Book)
*Spent Christmas morning all alone (however, I loved the snow)
*Gallbladder made itself known...thought I was dying

2017:
*New roommate moved in, intended to throw out my couches and use hers (***breaking point***)
*Had legit mental breakdown
*Started therapy
*Started Whole30 eating program (down 20+ pounds as of today)
*Started running again


While this is so very much incomplete and brief, it gives you a good idea of the roller coaster I've been on.

It has been the hardest few years of my life.

Just before I moved to Murray, I was feeling pretty good about life. I had a plan, I had faith, I had friends and family all around me. Then I moved to Murray and I completely shut down. I struggled to make friends. I struggled to feel connected to the friends I made. I didn't feel like I belonged at all.
Since moving to Murray I've lost so much. I lost friends, family, and myself.

All it takes, though, is one person to show they care. And that, for me, was my bishop. Bishop Hammond spoke with the most loving and tender voice. He invited me to join his family for Christmas dinner. When I had my complete breakdown (crying uncontrollably over the thought of losing my old, broken down couches...to the point of dry-heaving...it was obviously not just about the couches), he helped me find an incredible therapist. When I was unemployed he helped me out.
He and his wife became my family. Even though I didn't spend much time with them, all it took was a pat on the shoulder for me to know how much they cared about me. And that's all it took.
I'm functioning again like a normal (well...as normal as I can be) human being....because of him and his wife.
Today we were told he is being released next week.
I feel so incredibly brokenhearted right now. I know that it had to happen sooner or later. And, I even felt like it was coming soon. But, I feel like yet again I'm losing someone. I know it doesn't have to be that way and I do want to not be angry about it. I don't want it to eat me up inside. But, I don't want to lose that love in my life. I don't have a lot of love that I can feel in my life these days.

Thankfully today I got a spark of hope in another area of my life. After the block of church meetings there was what we call a 'linger longer.' They had snacks and tables out so we could socialize. At one point I looked up and saw someone looking right at me. I made eye contact and smiled. The next thing I new, this guy was walking over to our group and he directly offered his hand and introduced himself. It was like a scene from a movie. Unfortunately, my roommate called him over and that was that. But, seriously...it was unreal. I don't know if he was just trying to be nice and make a new friend or what, but it certainly made my day.


I don't really have life figured out yet. I don't make enough money to pay my bills. I don't know how to budget myself (and stay on top of it). My car needs repairs, my hands hurt, my patience is already thin with customer service, and nothing is really all that great...but, I'm happier than I've been in a LONG time. I curl my hair again. I'm running again. I haven't had sugar in over a month. And apparently guys are noticing me again. I have so much more work to do, but now I know I'm capable of such work.





       

Dear single men of the world,

When I see your Facebook posts but questioning to the universe why you are still single...why you can't find love...so on and so forth...

Let me tell you what I want to say, EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

First of all I want to tell you you're not alone. There are so many single people just like you that it is overwhelming. Trust me on this one. 

Then I want to tell you how wonderful you are. Because let's face it...you are pretty much Mr. Incredible in my eyes. 

And then...

It might just get ugly. 

I want to scream in your face and wave my arms erratically. I want to slap you with all of the gusto I can muster. I want to throw things at you and tackle you to the ground hard enough to knock you unconscious. 

I am secretly doing this right now in my mind. 

Why, do you ask?

Because, I wish you could see how much I and those countless other single women want you to see US, the people right in front of you. 

I want you to take back your hopes and dreams of the perfect woman. 

She doesn't exist. 

However...

I exist. Those countless other women exist. 

We exist. 

We are imperfect. We aren't skinny. We don't have the perfect complexion. We may enjoy sitting on the couch just as much as we enjoy being outdoors. We may want pizza when we should be eating a salad. We aren't models. We don't have our acts together quite yet. We may never have everything figured out completely. 

But, again, we exist. Unlike this dream woman you are chasing after. 

Do you know how awesome we are?

Probably not. 

Do you know how much we would give anything (and I mean ANYTHING) to spend even just one date with you? I mean, seriously...look at how amazing you are!

Who wouldn't want to be your 'one and only'? Who wouldn't want to be by your side through thick and thin, good and bad, and all of the many highs and lows? 

Who wouldn't want to be your sweetheart and the one you want to see every morning when you wake up?

Now, I know I cannot control what you are attracted to and what turns you on. However, I know what my dream man is and I have yet to meet him. I've learned to adjust my expectations. 

Even you aren't my dream man. 

But, (and this is a big one) you are enough. 

You are so much MORE than enough!

Through my many muddled experiences I've learned a lot. 

I've learned to appreciate the better aspects of who I may end up with. 

Attraction is important, yes, but we all change. We will, ALL OF US, not be the same person we were 5, 10, 15, etc years ago (or even as recently as yesterday). Who I am attracted to has changed in ways I never thought possible. And that's ok! 

Yes, I want a man who can 'get me going' (how else am I supposed to let you create life with me?), but I also know that it's not just your 'hot body' and debonair good looks that get the job done. 

It's your spirit and soul. It's your personality. It's the way you treat me. It's the way you enjoy the things I enjoy. It's the way you hate what I hate. It's the way we may not agree on everything, but can agree to disagree. 

I wish you would see me this way as well. 

So, while you post about not being able to find love. While you go on and on about how the right one for you may not exist...

Take a minute to see the wonderful women right in front of you who would be so much more than perfect for you if only you'd broaden your horizons, open your eyes and let your heart be just a smidgen more vulnerable. 

Maybe, just maybe, you might find the love of your life was by your side the entire time. Wishing and hoping you'd notice her just once.