The Story that Didn't Happen

When I was a little girl, possibly before I was even in Kindergarten (I can't quite remember), my family was invited over to dinner by another family in my hometown. My brother and I were matched in age by the two youngest of this family's children. So, while the adults chatted with each other, my brother and I played with those younger children in the family. I think we spent some time outside and then some time inside, I really don't remember much other than a random happening that would have a rather large impact on my life later on.
To the kid that was my age, for no reason whatsoever I felt the urge to blurt out something and I acted on it. I really have no clue why I said it. I was too young to understand what I meant  by it. But, it happened. I told that boy that I loved him.
(Cute story, huh?!)
I believe I instantly covered my mouth in embarrassment for what I had said. But, it was too late. He had heard it.
After the dinner nothing spectacular happened...that is, until the primary activity that happened who knows how many days (or weeks...or even possibly months) later. I remember going to a particular area of the room (it was a games activity, so multiple 'booths' were set up in the gym that we rotated around) to play a church version of pin the tail on the donkey. They had a sketch of a chapel building and it was missing the door. The blindfolded person had a door. So, it was my turn. The blindfold was put on my eyes and I couldn't see. I don't remember if I had been spun round at this point or not. I know the older girls that were in charge of the activity started giggling. The next thing I knew, there was something a little wet on my cheek. The blindfold was removed and I realized that the boy I had told "I love you" to had just kissed me on the cheek.
I was embarrassed for years to come. (now I wonder why...I mean...I got my first kiss!!!)
Life moved on. Unfortunately he became the one that the other classmates made fun of. I'll admit (sadly) I partook in it sometimes. (oh how I wish I had been a better person back then) His family decided to leave our hometown after our year in junior high. I felt horrible about the way he had been treated by this time. So, I decided to have a card sent around to all the young women to have them sign as a farewell gift. Once again, I'm not sure what possessed me to do this. It's not like he and I were close at all. We barely talked. (you must realize I was ridiculously shy at this time in life and never talked to ANY guys at all...I also felt like I was the girl version of him...the one that others made fun of) Still, I signed the card after everyone else. For some reason I felt compelled by some unseen force to do this service for him. I guess compelled isn't the right word. I felt strongly that I needed to do it. I gave him my email address and told him to keep in touch (I think...or wait...I don't think I even had an email address then...hmm...) Anyways...I gave him the go-ahead to keep in touch. Eventually we ended up emailing. Thanks to IM we even had some somewhat long-night chats.
We both graduated high school and it came time for me to go to college and he went on a mission. He asked for me to write him. I figured that since we were good friends by this time that it was a good idea. I never had any intentions to pursue anything further than friendship with him, but I knew he had already expressed some different sentiments. Long story short-I wrote him while he was on his mission. It was wonderful to have someone to write. It was good to learn of the struggles he went through and to learn with him in some ways.
Then he got home. We decided to meet up. Oh how I wish we hadn't done this...not in the way it happened at least. We went (I don't remember the order of events) to see the lights at Temple Square and to a wedding reception of a friend of mine. He had just recently returned from the mission. Try walking through Temple Square, looking at the lights and not sure where things stand, with a fresh returnee. It was a good visit, but nothing romantic happened (which I'm not sure I would've allowed anyways...although I do recall letting my hand out in case he wanted to hold it...which I'm sure he was too scared to do...why else would he have wandered away from me all the time?) The 'date' (I guess it was a date) ended with a hug I think and we went our separate ways.
We continued to email, sort of. This is where things went south. He lived out of state, so our friendship/relationship/whatever it was was supported only through email. He had my phone number (I think) but never called. Emails were few and far between. I got upset about it. If there was going to be a relationship, I needed it to exist. We had planned on meeting up to see the Nutcracker during the Thanksgiving break. By the time that event happened, I was so mad at him I could barely look at him. The whole day was awkward. I was not a good friend/date/whatever to him. I'll admit. I was horrible. I now have a story to tell because of this and all I have to say is how it ended. It ended with a handshake. He's the one that initiated the handshake, so the feeling was mutual. Yeah...it was THAT awkward.
We went for a few months without really talking, but by and by I couldn't help but want to email him again. He was still my friend. Probably one of my best friends. No one has ever been such a great supporter of me and my crazy self. (wow...chick flick moment here...the kind where you realize what an idiot you were and what you lost)
Once more we decided to meet up during the Thanksgiving break (this was the only time he was in Utah usually). We decided on seeing the lights again. Apparently I didn't get the memo because when we got to downtown it was just like any other normal night. So, we just walked around downtown for a bit. By this time I had had a serious change of heart. Not only would I have let him hold my hand, I wanted him to. I even secretly desired for him to kiss me. (I had never been kissed and he had earned it!) We got to Abravenal Hall and looked at the posters of musicians around. He put his arm around me and told me that would be me someday. It felt SO GOOD when he put his arm around me. I felt warm and secure. I had a wonderful time with him that night. I really did.
Here's the part where I tell you why I was an idiot and didn't allow the relationship to exist after that. I wasn't 100% attracted to him. I just wasn't. I still don't feel attracted to him in a physical way. Also, he is into rpg's. I just can't let that be a part of my life. I won't explain why, but I just can't. It's fickle, but they are pretty big factors for me.
So, I let go. I hadn't planned on getting into anything with him. I never really felt like I wanted to even go on one date with him when he went on the mission. But, through our many emails and instant messages, I learned to care for him. He is the ONLY guy that has told me he loves me. I don't know why I felt so drawn to him. Maybe we could've been the really cute story (you know, the one with the toddler-sized crush that turns into the adult true-life love story). But it didn't happen. It just....didn't.
What brought me to this point of reflection right now is this. He is engaged. His family posted a slideshow of his engagement pictures this morning. I really am so truly happy for him. I care about him therefore want him to be happy. I know I couldn't've made him happy, not like he is right now. You can just see in the pictures that they truly are 100% happy together. But, once I saw those pictures, this horrible, indescribable feeling has been gnawing at me almost all day long. While I am happy for him and want nothing else for him, I'm realizing that my heart is breaking. When he called me beautiful, I didn't doubt he believed it. When he signed his letters with 'I love you' at the bottom, I didn't doubt his sincerity. When I told him of my shortcomings, he kept listening. He really was my best friend at one point. I'm sad that that part of my life is coming to a close. Yet again, I'm retreating into a new layer of being alone. ~goody~
Danny, if you happen to see this, know that I really do want nothing better for you. I've even prayed that you would find someone. I know how much it means to you to get married and to have a family. I'm just realizing now (WAY too late) how attached I was to you.

2 Things

1. Insomnia-- WHY?!?!?!

2. Winter/Snow/Dry Air-- WHY?!?!?!

Is it summer yet??

The End :-(

Happy!

Watch this...

Now this...

I don't know about you, but I most assuredly prefer the Piano Guys version.

What do you think???

I have been a fan of Jon Schmidt since I was introduced to his ever-so-popular piece, Waterfall, when I was in junior high school (1997 I think). Somehow, I also discovered Steven Sharp Nelson's music during my early years at college. Both have proved to be amazing musicians and their music has had a tremendous influence on my life. 

Lately they've been posting music videos of music they've created together. Each piece seems to hit a new level of awesomeness. Some of their music hits my dancing soul. I'll hear it and I just have to move my body. Other pieces are just fun and bring a smile to my face. Then again there are pieces that move my soul and bring me closer to my spiritual side. And then there are pieces like this newest release "Peponi." I heard it once and it stuck with me. They have the ability to turn an already pretty cool song into something so much more. There is something that grabs at my spirit and says that there is more to this than just a pianst, a cellist and a vocalist getting together to have fun. There is heart and soul behind this. There is real passion.

THIS IS MUSIC!

I don't think I can say enough about what they have created...so, I'll just post more links so you can experience the joy I've found.

A smooth blend of classics from different eras

Just good, easy listening


A little something for us nerds out there


A little more on the tender side


The one that makes me want to dance


And last, but definitely NOT least (probably my second fav)

There are a lot more out there, but I think this is a good enough sampling.

Listen. 

Love.
Be inspired.

Share.
(they brainwash you on the sharing part...sorry)

:)