Tiger Stripes

I've been working on something...or rather, on myself lately.
The past was not kind to me and I let food be my source of comfort.
I finally got sick enough that I decided to make some changes. I had discovered the Whole30 program before Christmas and bought the book, intending to start at the beginning of the year.
Not until I became unemployed and went back to work in February did I realize it was time to act on what I had found.
At the end of March I decided to start. I didn't pick a specific day, I just realized one day I had to change, so I went to the grocery store, stocked up for the following 2 days and started the following morning. It was meant to be a change for 30 days followed by a reintroduction phase. However, after hitting day 30 I knew I wasn't ready to reintroduce anything and I didn't trust myself around my old trigger foods. Tomorrow (in about a half hour), Thursday July 20th, is day 120. I plan to reintroduce some foods after this weekend (once I have money to buy the stuff I need ha ha).
At one point I saw 290 pounds on the scale. Yesterday I saw 240. I have essentially lost 50 pounds. (I'm not sure what I count as my starting weight as I didn't weigh myself the first day.)
I'm noticing so many changes...most of them are very positive. I might be dealing with a sinus infection or something weird right now involving weird headaches...but otherwise, I haven't felt this good in years.
I've expected that my skin may start sagging soon as I'm sure the elasticity isn't there to make me look perfect.
Tonight, though, I realized the extent of the damage I've done to myself over the past few years.
Pregnant women can celebrate their stretch marks, and even some previously overweight people celebrate their stretch marks as a reminder of where they've come from.
However, tonight, I feel the need to apologize to myself.
In my massage therapy courses I learned about how stretch marks are created. Don't expect me to give you a science lesson right now...I can't relate what I was taught. However, I know that I have physically hurt myself. I was depressed, I was suffering from anxiety, I was grieving the loss of my father. My mind was hurting and so was my soul. And when those hurt, it's so unbelievably easy to hurt ourselves physically.
Trust me, I'm no stranger to this problem.
As I'm healing my body from years of bad food choices, I'm realizing so may other things that need to be healed. First and foremost, my relationship with myself.
I need to stop hurting myself.
I am worth more than that. I sometimes think I can say that I love myself now, but really, it's only at the beginning stages of a relationship. I have so much further to go. My spirit and mental health have leaps and bounds to go, but I know I can do this.

So, someday I may be proud of my 'stripes' but today I'm coming to terms with what I've done and learning to make amends. And that's ok.

Such Times

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring


I decided to revisit one of my old favorite movies, the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I'm watching the extended version, in parts. It's too long for me to sit through completely in one sitting. I'm not 20 years old anymore.

Tonight I am watching the second disk on The Fellowship of the Ring. This quote has always felt important to me. It was even the quote my class chose to put on our high school graduation invitations and program. I don't think I I ever truly grasped the meaning of it though.

Ever since my father passed away I have been struggling with the idea of death. I realize how precious life is and how easily it can be lost. I often wonder how people can take it so lightly. We only get this one chance at mortality. When I hear stories of mass murders, senseless killings, people dying out of pure stupidity and other such meaningless ends, it always affects me. I can easily get caught up in thoughts of what the real meaning of life is...especially when life is so fragile.

Then I look at the world around me these days and it's so incredibly hard not to be terrified of what may happen next. Rumors of North Korea and nuclear bombs, news reports of Russia and their hatred of our country, the wars going on in the Middle East. I could go on and on....and I haven't even mentioned the potential hazards in our own country and even here where I live, in Utah (among other things, we're ranked #2 now for worst drivers in the country).

Hearing that quote just now really struck me. J.R.R Tolkien was a wise man. I wonder if he knew this particular line would be so relevant today.

Sometimes it's so incredibly hard to want to face another day. Anxiety is real and it seems easier just to hide from all that is around. But, I have to keep reminding myself that life is meant to be lived. What is the point in hiding for the rest of my life? I have no control of the world around me. I don't know how much time I've been given.

All I have to decide is what to do with the time that is given me.