I'm not much for writing stuff like this...but I want to share with those I know.
This evening about 5 minutes prior to the beginning of opening night for Peter Pan, 2 of my friends received texts that were shared with me. These texts were not good news. For in that simple communication, we found out that a dear friend, and musician had passed away tonight.
His name is Tanner Holst. I have only known him about a year and a half (I think). He was an early college student. He is 17 years old. Just a young one. :)
He was an AMAZING musician. He played bassoon like it was a part of himself. I have had many opportunities to play with him. First in orchestra, and then this past year in the wsu woodwind quintet. We also played a clarinet-bassoon duet last semester. Even though he was younger, he challenged me as a musician. He could get annoying at times (mostly because he was just better and knew more than me...but anyways), but overall, he is a very good person.
The story goes that last week he came down with a very high fever. I don't know that I saw him at all last week, so I don't know how ill he really was, but a friend of mine said he looked like he was dead (even then). Anyways. What I have heard is that he was diagnosed with pneumonia, but was doing ok until yesterday. Apparently he couldn't breathe, so they took him to the emergency room. He was then life-flighted to Primary Children's (again...so young!). In band we were told that some muscle damage had been done...but I'm not sure what really happened. All I know is that once I heard this news in band today, I had this gut feeling that he might die.
It really was such a freak thing. I think the only thing that is keeping me from breaking down is the knowledge that there HAS to be a bigger plan for him. He really had so much potential to be anything he wanted to be. His life was going far and he was doing well. He actually just passed the first round of auditions for the concerto night on bassoon(via recording, since he was sick during the auditions this past week). The Lord must need him on the other side. That's the only reason I can think of to explain why he got so sick and died. He was only 17! 17-year olds don't die from pneumonia.
Anyways. I'm so thankful to have known him in this life. I have nothing bad to say about him (excpet for maybe he was a little too into playing the bassoon...but it's great that he was passionate about something). He will be missed and it will be a happy day when I get to see him again.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Dr. Holst
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I Cannot Tell a Lie...
I'm VERY depressed right now. Maybe it's the winter blues. Maybe it's the stress of 19 credit hours alongside 2 jobs. Maybe it's the pressure I feel from myself to get out of school asap. Maybe it's the fact that I don't feel wanted by most of who I thought were friends. Maybe it's that I have no goals in life. Maybe it's that I don't get along with my dad, my brother is going down the wrong path and my mom just isn't the same anymore. Maybe it's because even my best friend isn't the best friend in the world. Maybe it's because I only get asked out by guys that are more desperate than I am. Maybe....maybe I'll go jump off a cliff. Ha...I'm too scared to do that...don't worry.
Today was a very good talk given at the CES Fireside by President Monson. I went there hoping for something that might help me figure out something in my life. What I got was a punch in the face...and a trip to the spiritual emergency room. At one point in his talk, he said something to the effect that there are people who have goals. They struggle and work and eventually acheive those goals. Then, there are people who just coast through life. They really have no goals and eventually become lazy and drop out.
I could have left the building sobbing after that comment.
I know that I plan to graduate this semester...but it's not because I made it my goal to get this degree. I never honestly chose my major. I went to the school that gave me the best scholarship. I chose the major that I thought I could do (and was more or less interested in doing) and have been fighting that non-decisive decision ever since. I'm not graduating this semester because of hard work or from a desire to accomplish something. I'm in college because I had nothing else to do. I got offered the scholarship, took it and chose the best major I could from what was listed. I have never seriously wanted to be anything in my life (well...there's one thing...but you can't get that with a degree...). I am lazy. I never choose anything. I'm the most indecisive person I know...and I'm not trying to make that a joke. I am technically dropping out of college. I'll have a degree, but it's not the degree I had originally picked out.
So yeah...basically, I'm a failure.
So, that one thing that I really want... yeah
It's so frustrating. The ONE thing I want in life. The only desire I have. The only thing I feel is worth striving for is getting married and having a family. BUT...apparently life isn't going to happen the way I want it to. I want to have a relatively large family...(not too big...but bigger than what I grew up with). I have yet to even hold the hand of a man. No one seems to find me even worth looking at. Sometimes I can convince myself that I don't want to bother. But every time I almost convince myself that I'm ok with being single, I realize how much I don't want to be alone anymore. What's wrong with me?! Why don't guys find me attractive? I know I have an ugly smile (I really wish I could afford braces) and my face looks terrible (stupid acne) and I'm fat...but I'm a nice person...or so I thought. AND...people that are twice my size get married. People that have even nastier teeth have boyfriends. People that have nastier skin get asked out. What's wrong with me?!
I need to go take a shower and go to bed.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
An implosion...of sorts
You know, Thanksgiving came and left so quickly that I don't think it's sunk in that it's over yet. I was so anxious for the long weekend. I was so super stressed out from school, work and my many other lives. But, the week of Thanksgiving came and I found the strength to carry on. Somehow, I'm surviving amazingly well. I don't feel stressed out, and I don't feel as if there is a huge cloud of doom hanging over my head. Yet, Thanksgiving came, and now it's over. I didn't even notice it. I had a crappy weekend. I drove every day I had off from school. I got to see my family, but it wasn't comfortable for me. My brother wasn't there. I haven't seen him since last Christmas. I miss him something fierce. I didn't have any sisters. I only had my little brother. Even though I resented and envied him a great deal sometimes (as all siblings do at some point), I love him to death. He's my brother. He's part of me and who I am. Not being around him is starting to take its toll on me. Then, I had a day with an old friend. It was nothing short of awkward for me. I won't go into details, but I will say that I hope I never have to relive that day. I wasn't myself and it was just weird. I was holding in anger and irritations. I don't recommend doing that. Sunday I went to my home ward. It was weird. I don't belong there anymore. My family doesn't really belong either. They need to move away.
To be honest, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Well...almost anywhere. I feel at home when I'm at work, and when I'm in a practice room. hmm....food for thought. I feel thin...sort of stretched-like butter scraped over too much bread... (name that quote!). Then, this week has flown by without warning. Tomorrow is the last day of normal classes for the semester. I'm not ready for it to be over with to be honest.
So, today was the dress rehearsal for the Institute Christmas show. I can't believe it's time to do the show already. I've done the show so many times that it doesn't feel special anymore. I'm frustrated with some of the songs we're singing (arrangements, and changes that were made to perfectly good pieces that shouldn't've been made...anyways), I'm also frustrated with feeling like part of the choir. I am sort of an accompanist (which is like a dream come true for me), and I can sing for the most part. But, when it comes to the social aspect, I feel pretty much like an outcast. I have a few friends that I can be friendly with. I have even less that I feel like I can really talk to. Most of the people around me I feel seem to ignore my existence altogether. Which, I guess, I haven't given them much reason to notice me, but still...I'm extremely shy. Anyways. At one point in the rehearsal tonight it all sort of hit me. I felt unwanted and unwelcome. I didn't want to be there anymore. All of a sudden, my inner world came crashing down. I couldn't stop the tears. I hate crying. It shows how weak I am. It also attracts attention. I don't want the attention. It just makes me open up more and cry even more. My life seems to be ok on the outside (I think at least), but the inside is crumbling. I'm trying to graduate this coming spring semester. I am scared to death of being on my own for real. I know what I want to do, but I doubt my abilities to be truly successful.
Anyways. I'm also trying to fend off feelings I have for a friend. I want so badly to see that he likes me, but I...just can't do it right now. So...I'm not going to delve into this anymore. My emotions have been going on one of those super-charged magnetically powered roller coasters.
Along with this, I realize that Christmas is coming. I didn't even get to stop and think about Thanksgiving really...and I really almost don't want Christmas to come. I miss seeing it through the eyes of a child. I know what it is all about. I just don't see the real purpose in it all. So, with that, I need to re-find what Christmas means to me and try to feel the spirit of it. I feel like I've been so involved in everything that I haven't left time for myself to be me.
So, with that, I want to make a step towards maybe feeling a little bit more festive. I want to make a late listing of things I am thankful for. Only by truly seeing my blessings can I really start to see some purpose in the birth of the Saviour.
I am thankful for:
-my car
-my apartment
-my roommates (no complaints!)
-both of my jobs (the work is really rewarding)
-the fact that I am in college and that I will graduate soon
-the fact that I can take a long hot shower after I am done with this
-my friends:
Mark-for having someone to talk 'clarinet' with
Julie J-for being my sista from another mista :)
Andrea, Amy, Janel and Julie P-for being people I have looked up to ever since I knew them...and for being my friends
-my family-even though it's broken and there are problems, they love me.
-my clothes
-food (even though I realize that it is what makes me fat)
-music-it is my life...it's how I express myself
-dance-it keeps me active and it's another way to express myself
These are just a few things...and there is so much more that I am thankful for, but I need to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I hope I can survive.
Know that I am thankful for all the many blessings in my life.
Goodnight!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Je suis fine: a declaration
I don't know where to begin, but I want to scream right now. I'm so frustrated with life right now. Why can't I just be glad to go home this weekend? Oh yeah, I have a date this Saturday...that I don't want to go on anymore. I suppose this all needs some serious explanation.
About a month ago me and Idaho set up a date for this coming weekend. He's going to be in the state, and we figured it would be a good idea. At first, I was super excited. I wanted to plan everything and make it a wonderful day. Then, as the weeks went by, he didn't email, or call when he said he would. (this is a VERY bad habit of his) After awhile, I thought to myself...why should I plan so much for someone that wouldn't do the same for me? I don't want to go through it all anymore. We've had some recent conversations...they weren't good. I even wrote an email laying everything out on the table. When we talked last night (online), it was obvious he didn't get the point of the email. I wonder if he even read the whole thing. So, now things are not good. His only response is that he still wants me. When he talks to me like this, it makes me feel like I'm a prize to be won or something. I don't like being trivialized. I don't want to be treated like I'm stuck in another time period. I'm not a normal girl. I've gotten used to opening my own doors, I don't like people paying for me. I like being treated with respect, with friendship and with love. Don't put me on a pedestal. Just treat me like the human being I am and love me. Is that so hard to ask? Yes, flowers and chocolates are welcome...on holidays or special occasions only though and jewelry...don't even think about it! Ahhh...I can't express how annoying all that stuff is! I don't want a lot. I just want to spend time with that special someone. I want to be best friends. Not the oggled prize of a gamer.
So, to explain more on my last brief blog, I also want to declare that I am done with guys. I've had my heart broken 3 times...and I did it all to myself. Any person I have ever felt something serious for has never ever reciprocated the feelings. They barely knew I was alive sometimes. I can't do that anymore. I refuse to let myself fall for ANYONE. My affections have to be earned. And to earn them they need to follow the previous paragraph.
Oh wait...NO ONE wants me anyways. Well, except for Idaho...but he hasn't been able to prove it. Not that I desire him that much anyways.
Anyways...so, back to some stories...well, only a couple. A couple weeks ago I realized that I really liked this certain person that I see almost on a daily basis. I really like him. Well, through some teasing, he offered to buy me lunch. I screwed up royally and said no. Don't ask why...oh yeah...I don't like people buying things for me. So, to make up for my pathetic mistake, I asked him if he would like to go to an activity that I was going to. Well, I waited all week for an answer. The day before the activity was to happen, I asked him again and he said no. I was at the committee breakfast gathering at the institute...and had to squirm out as fast as possible. I had a good cry in my car before heading over to quintet practice where I had to be around him for another hour. It SUCKED. I'm over the fact that he said no. But, I still like him. A lot. And, today in quintet rehearsal, we changed the seating arrangement...he's sitting next to me now. Ugh. In his way of warming up his instrument, he makes some funny noises. Normally I burst out laughing every time I hear them. Today I had to control myself. I just can't laugh at it anymore. If that makes any sense.
Then, tonight I was reminded an hour late that I had tithing settlement. So, after practicing (or trying to...failed miserably...just fell asleep) I drove over to the church to see if I could still get in. I did. I sat down, checked everything and stated my status and thought I would be on my way. Then the bishop had to bring up that terrible subject of marriage. Why did he do that?! If he was inspired to say it...I almost wish he still wouldn't've said anything. I'm pretty bitter about it all right now. I want to get married...but I know I'm not ready, and I'm scared to death of being in a relationship...let alone a serious one. AND...it's not my fault that guys don't want me. I've done pretty much all I can think of to make myself available and 'on the market.' I wonder why I even try sometimes. Most guys take one look at me and look the other way.
I'm tired and can't keep my eyes open. But I just want to scream right now. Why do people do that? Why are guys so stupid? Why do bishops feel like they have to pressure us into getting married? Why don't they see the real story?
Anyways...I need to take a shower and go to bed.
The End.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
AHHHHHH!!!!!
I could SCREAMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guys suck! I wish I could make myself not like ANYONE!!!!! I wish our church had a nunery.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Oh the blonde-ness of me!
I need to be asleep. But, I have to write quickly. Boys are a mess in my life! Things are still in an awkward state with my Idaho man, and now there's some new developments with a new friend I made this year. Ahhh!!! If it weren't for the pure dumbness of me, I would probably have a date with him as well. AHHH!!! Crap. I really like him, too.
More details to follow :)
