Happily Ever After?

I just happened upon an email that was advertising for a new book by Elder Dieter F. Uctdorf. The title of that book is "Your Happily Ever After."
I couldn't've come upon this email at a better (or rather, worse) time.
Everyone around me seems to be getting their 'happily ever afters.' Most of my friends are either engaged, married or moving on with successful careers now. Everyone knows what they want, and they're getting it.
I can't help but wonder...what about me?!
This past Tuesday I only worked for 2 hours. The rest of the day was spent working on a puzzle and watching stuff on netflix. Most of my good friends aren't around anymore. I don't have a boyfriend. My family is far enough away I don't spend any time with them anymore (not that that's a bad thing sometimes...I can only handle my parents for so long...something I'm sure they reciprocate). To say that I'm feeling a little lonely right now is a bit of an understatement.
I've gone to school. I've traveled quite a bit. I've been blessed with many wonderful experiences in my life. But, I still can't help but feel that EVERYTHING in my life right now has fallen short. Fallen short of what you might ask? Many of my dreams/goals in life have never fully been reached. The 2 things I grew up wanting to see in the world were the Twin Towers and the Great Wall of China. I got to go to New York, but that was more than half a decade after the attack. We got to see the site where the towers were, but as I stood inside another building, looking out across the road to where the tragedy occurred, I couldn't help but curse those who ruined one of my dreams. Obviously that desire will never come to fruition. I went to China. The group I was with didn't go see the Great Wall. We saw many other wonderful things, but I highly doubt I will ever have the opportunity to go to China again. I even got to play a short solo with the WSU Wind Ensemble in a concert at Carnegie Hall. This was never really a dream of mine (it's a dream of many others and has been sort of a dream in the sense that it's what I thought others would want of me), but even that fell short when my left hand stopped working and I botched the last part of the solo during the performance. I wanted to go on a mission. I had papers filled out and ready to hand in...then my body reacted poorly to the stress and I got sick. I never went. .......
I don't know if I'm making this point as big as I wanted to. But, I just had to get it off my chest. I know life is never what you expect it to be. But, there has to be some sort of...whatever.
I've even seriously contemplated getting a better job and moving out of Ogden (possibly Utah). EVERY job I have applied to since last year has been a failure (the jobs I have now I NEVER applied to. They were offered to me by friends). No interviews, no offers. I've been working at 5 Buck Pizza for over a year now (I work at a STUPID PIZZA PLACE. HOW FULFILLING IS THAT?!). I took 7 years to finish my degree as a clarinet performance major and STILL don't have a diploma to show for it because I still owe the University money (not to mention my less than enthusiastic desire to ever play my clarinet again). My life is stuck in a HUGE rut. Everything thus far has been almost a dream come true, but always falls short long before it could ever fully come true. For those that say "Happily Ever After," to you I say...HOW? What am I doing wrong? How do I change this?

The EPIC day!

Today just wins. There's no other way to describe it. 

It started off with very little sleep (I'm starting to think I should sleep less, life is always more exciting when I'm lacking in basic cognitive thought). I fell asleep sometime after 3am...possibly 4. No reason why, I just couldn't sleep. I woke up with my head where my feet usually are which apparently was a good thing. I got up, fixed a tasty breakfast of turkey bacon (WIN #1), chomped it down, swallowed some vitamins and left for work. 

Win #2-

Today was the first day back doing the school lunch deliveries. I had to mix, lift, cut and roll enough dough for over 60 pizzas. I took my first trip up to Weber High School, made the drop and was greeted by the head lunch lady. It was nice to see that she was so happy to see me again. 

Well, technically win #1 is the fact that all that lifting of the dough didn't kill my back (which has been almost completely pain free for 2 weeks now). So on to win #4. As my coworker was washing his hands, he called me over to the sink. He pointed and ...well...this is what I saw...
Yes, that is a PLANT growing out of the sink! I couldn't stop laughing about it. Talk about thriving in adversity. Who knows how long that seed has been there, getting doused with soapy water and who knows what else that people have washed off their hands. This plant put a big smile on my face. 

Win #5-

I didn't want to see this plant get destroyed, so I found a styrofoam cup, ran outside, found some dirt and managed to pot the little guy. He is now named Bucky (5 Buck Pizza...yeah, it's a genius name, I know).
We're not sure what kind of plant it is. It's most likely a tomato or green pepper plant since those are the main seedy items we have at 5 Buck. 

Win #6-

I got asked to stay longer at work, so I will probably have a VERY nice paycheck soon. Yay for working over 40 hours a week! In addition to that, one half hour of that I got paid to go register the company van. NO complaints there. I enjoy getting paid to sit in my car, play games on my phone, hand over a check (that isn't from my bank account) and drive off. No complaints. 

Win #7-

My new roommate cleans! I will NO longer be the ONLY one that cleans the kitchen. I can't tell you how happy this makes me!!!!

Win #8-

I guess this is now no longer in order of occurrence...

I found another job to apply for in Missouri and submitted the application (right in front of my boss at work actually...lol...oops)

Win #9-

Someone I've had a crush on for who knows how long now poked me on facebook. I know. JUVENILE!!!! lol. I DON'T CARE! He took a small effort to go on my page and click the poke button. I'm not invisible to him. That's all that matters. A small something like that will put a smile on my face for days. I need things like this more often. 

Win #10-

My wonderful friend Becky came by and we all went to David's and had some Italian Ice mixed with frozen custard. SOOOO DELICIOUS!!!

So, there are a few more wins that I can't think of right now, but all in all, today has been wonderful and I just can't help but feel so grateful. The best win though is my back pain. I was suffering with pain in 2 separate areas for MONTHS. The lower back pain has been gone for over a month now, and ever since I got back from my trip to Missouri, my upper back pain has been almost non-existent. It still reminds me it's there every so often, but my neck isn't swollen (I looked like a serious hunchback, no joke!), I can turn around far enough to back out with my car and I could lift a ball of dough that consisted of 5 gallons of flour, 6 liters of water and a couple of cups of other things WITHOUT PAIN. I want to cry with joy! I don't know why it's better, but I just can't say enough how wonderful it is to be able to move again. I'm going to start going to a dance class this week (one of the wins I forgot earlier). I can't wait! I love being able to move freely without pain. It's SO AMAZING!!!!!

So yeah.

EPIC WIN!!!!! :-D

We Must Move On

A few years ago as I was trying to complete my final general education requirements I decided to take an Intro to Fiction class. My first attempt at that class was quickly changed when I decided to do Choralaires ( a choice I have never regretted). The second time I took it, I happened upon a great teacher (I wish I could remember his name). Although I didn't manage to complete the class (writing is my greatest weakness and writing a 10-page paper was worse than preparing a 1 hour recital...if that gives you ANY kind of perspective), I learned a great deal from that class.
We read novels and short stories and spent the entire class time discussing them. (another one of my weaknesses). Although I don't really remember much, I remember one novel we were required to read. It is called: "Life of Pi."
It is a fairly popular book. It's even in the process of being made a movie (something I'm scared to see honestly).
The story is about Pi, who gets stranded in a lifeboat with animals after the boat he was on sinks. It's been years since I've read this book, so forgive me in my lack of giving a good description of it. Anyways. There is one part that has always stuck with me. The book itself is beyond weird. (something I just can't help but love) But, somewhere close to the beginning of the book, Pi discusses his beliefs. Time and time again I have remembered this part and it brings me peace when I think about it. To struggle with doubt is a challenge I never thought I'd face. I never thought that this quote would have so much personal meaning to me. But, life is never what you expect it to be. You NEVER know what trials and joys you will experience from day to day. Anyways, here's the quote.

"Doubt is useful for a while. We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane. If Christ played with doubt, so must we. If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" then surely we are also permitted to doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation."

Before I go on, I want to point out that I don't fully agree with the choice of words here. Christ never played with doubt. He always knew what he was doing and what was going to happen. More than doubt, he showed that he was human. He showed weakness. He never gave in, but in his act of asking 'please remove this cup from me' he showed us that it is ok to be scared, to be affected by pain and death. But the key is he still moved on. Even though he was affected by weakness and human nature, he did not give heed to it. He did not give in. He faced his trial and moved on.

My favorite part that I'm trying to apply to my own life right now is this: "But we must move on."

Life is hard. It's natural to get stuck. It's easier to get stuck than I thought. Depression comes in many shapes and forms. It is ok to slow down for a little while to reassess the situation and contemplate making changes and figure out what the heck you're going to do with yourself to get out of that depression. But, it is only ok for a little while. WE MUST MOVE ON.

I've been struggling with some of my doubts for many months now. I've told myself that I will just stop and figure things out. The only thing that did for me was allow myself to dig a deeper hole in which it has gotten increasingly more difficult to get out of. I've decided that it is time to move on. I'm still struggling with my doubts, more so than ever actually. But, I'm trying to take that first step in the forward direction.

Tonight I read a blog written by someone I am coming to admire and look up to in a lot of ways. His name is Chad Hymas. He was involved in an accident many years ago that left him paralyzed. He was told he would be lucky if he could use his arms. He has since done hand pedaling bike marathons, ridden roller coasters and does not need to be strapped to his chair (something he was also told he would have to be for the rest of his life). This accident happened to him while I was in high school. Since he lived in a nearby town, I had the opportunity to participate in a service project at his house to help while he was still adjusting. He spoke at my high school graduation as well. So, even though I have never personally met him, he has been in my life.
As I was reading his blog tonight, everything that I read fit in perfectly with my feelings I've had with this quote from "Life of Pi." I'd like to share what he wrote now...

08/02/2011

Confronting Our Fears

These last few days, I have been spending much time with some of the greats in my business at the NSA Convention. I feel overwhelmed with all this newfound knowledge that not only will improve my business, but my personal life as well.
In one session, we discussed why we should confront our fears. If we are to grow and be successful, we must be willing to face that which is standing in our way. But what do most of us do when confronted with change or something that is not comfortable? We usually back away.
The fear that I am talking about are those challenges that stand in the way of personal and professional growth. We have all been afraid when faced with a new challenge. I’m sure you have been ‘paralyzed’ by fear at one time or another in your life. I know I have.
What frightens one person to death might have little or no impact on someone else. It might be changing jobs or speaking in public. The vast majority of people are terrified about speaking in front of an audience.
A major factor in not confronting your fears could be fear of failure. Many of us won’t try something new if we feel it won’t work out. However, there is a price to pay. Your self-esteem is lowered because you feel powerless and frustrated. If you don’t step out of your comfort zone, you most likely will lead an uneventful life and you sabotage your success.
Ralph Waldo Emerson offered some simple advice, which, if followed, can transform your life. He said, “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.” This makes good sense, but some people are just too afraid to act. Running away from your fears is a losing strategy. It only brings frustration and unhappiness.
There is nothing wrong with having some fears. Successful people have fears. The difference is that successful people take action and move forward despite being afraid. It’s not always easy, but you will feel better.
When you push through fear and take action in some areas of your life, you’ll develop confidence in other areas as well. Life does not reward those who refuse to expose themselves to difficulties and challenges. It is important that you put yourself in a position to win – and that means taking action despite fear.
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...do the thing you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt

I know it sounds funny to say this, but I have a testimony of facing fears. Every time I have faced one and conquered it, I have come out a better, stronger person. I won't repeat anything that Chad said because I'd probably end up repeating most of what he said.
It is far past time for me to face my fears and move on.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who will need these words of encouragement now or ever.
"Wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." (Ether 12:6)

Reflecting on "The Passion of the Christ"

I have always been curious about this movie. Since it was rated "R" I decided not to watch it. But, things have changed in my life lately and I felt that it was an appropriate movie to watch.
I had some serious contemplations while watching this movie. Yes, it was graphic, and yes, it was very rightfully rated "R." (I had to turn my head at points) But, I am very grateful for the new perspective I have now.

The first thought I have from what I saw is this: How can man be so unbelievably cruel to one another?

The scenes where they show Christ getting flogged, whipped and beaten just astound me. I can't imagine the kind of hatred that can enter a soul to make them desire to do such horrible things to someone else. The thing that I needed to see in this movie was the reality of it all. Church movies barely nick the surface when they portray what physically happened to Christ. I understand that this is a Hollywood reenactment and who knows EXACTLY what happened, but to get a better sense of the real story was completely eye-opening. I know that there are accounts of worse forms of torture in history and this just makes my jaw drop down even further. I just can't understand how it's possible to do such a thing. For anyone to suffer through something like that is completely and totally beyond my comprehension. I just don't understand it AT ALL.

My next thought is a little more not so solid.

I won't go into many details because of wanting to keep my privacy and also just not wanting to dwell on it. But, as of late my faith has been challenged in a serious way.
Watching this movie probably hurt and helped my faith in equal amounts.
For someone to willingly suffer so much pain and persecution, then to die in such a horrible manner is even further beyond me than my previous thought. How could someone so good, so innocent and so undeserving of pure evil allow themselves to go through that? I think the point that was made through this movie is that his passion was doing his father's will. The focus always seemed to be of him communicating with his father and being a normal person. Even in the scriptures, Christ has moments of not necessarily doubts, but, moments of being like a child crying to their parent, begging for the hard times to be over. Begging for there to be another way. Begging...but, submitting. This just completely astounds me.
I know I'm stubborn and a wimp. When I face trials of any sort, I don't submit to them so easily. I fight tooth and nail and usually give up and find another path.

Now that I'm not focusing on the movie as much, I'd like to get some thoughts out about the Atonement.
Christ had to have such perfect faith to allow something like this to happen to him. Any other human being would've struggled (I'm sure) with knowing if they were really going to be resurrected after giving up their life. I know I would've. I also know I would've had a hard time holding onto the knowledge that I was doing this for a greater purpose.
Anyways. My mind is starting to go blank, which means it's time to stop before I say something I shouldn't.
This movie did not confirm my faith or my lack of faith. It merely opened my eyes to a greater and deeper understanding. For anyone to go through such a travesty as an act of love for others truly shows the depth of love.
I know I'll never understand why and how. But, I'm grateful for this opportunity to be a little more aware.
Just so you know, it is horribly graphic and I am in no way recommending this movie.

Leap of Faith....what the heck did I just do?!?!?!

I have heard many times of people finding that they come to a certain point in their lives where they feel for no reason at all that they need to make a change...whether it is in the area of love, family, career or whatever it may be. They come to a crossing point I guess and make the decision to go against everything they know with the small hope that something better is coming.
For me, that has happened tonight. I'm hoping that my story will end as happily as the ones I have heard before.  If it doesn't....I don't know what I'm going to do.
I was given the opportunity to work at Bravo Arts Academy this past year as a piano teacher. I have worked with them for the past 3 years, but this past year was the most prominent in my life. I developed a sincere love for the kids I got to teach every week. I loved working as a lab aid, tutoring young music students and so on. I also loved getting to use the part of me that I am actually good at. I am not the best at playing or teaching piano, nor am I good at remembering my theory and so on. But, every time I walked out of that building I felt as if I had done something worthwhile. I had shared the gift that I have been given. It was the most fulfilling thing I've done.
So, it is so very hard for me right now because I have not felt 100% great about returning. I go to work and spend time with my students and want to do it forever. Then, I look at the contract and feel that 'stupor of thought' as it were. I have already been VERY confused about my feelings lately and this choice came at the worst time possible. Just a little while ago (as in less than a half hour ago) I sent an email telling my boss that I won't be returning next year.
It breaks my heart. I LOVE those kids. I LOVE teaching. I LOVE feeling like I'm worth something when I leave my job each night. I hope I made the right choice. I hope something better is around the corner. I hope this isn't the worst mistake I could make.
I need some serious hugs right now.

The End

Red Onions

My fingers smell like red onions right now.
When I worked at Subway a few years ago I would always come home with what my boss and I called "the essence of Subway" (a mixture of red onion and Italian bread seasoning). Anytime onions were prepped, it was guaranteed that I would come home and still be able to smell the onions on my fingers.
When I started working at 5 Buck, I was overjoyed that we used yellow onions. They are strong, but they don't make your fingers smell for the rest of the day.
Unfortunately, today was a little different. We were out of yellow onions, so we used red onions (since we have them on stock for pizzas like the BBQ chicken and chicken alfredo). All I can smell is red onions now. I have washed my hands, showered-washed my hair and body with very wonderfully smelling stuff and almost 4 hours later I STILL SMELL THE ONIONS!!!!!
I'm sick of my job right now. I need a break.

I want a real job...
I think I need to go back to school...
BUT WHAT DO I STUDY?! (too many options!)

Projections and Probablilities

The other day I decided that I had had enough of my addiction to facebook. So, I deactivated my account. I have spent so much time on that website for no reason whatsoever. I have wasted many hours that could've been spent doing more productive things like reading, practicing, spending better time with my roommates, etc. So, now that I am fighting off my urge to get back onto facebook, I think I may be projecting some of my addictive behaviors onto other websites, like this one.
Unfortunately, or rather, fortunately, the next website I visit most often (Amazon) has had a thwart in its ability to satisfy my need to waste time online as well (yes, I waste time on Amazon...it's fun to window shop and build up my wish list of items that will never be purchased). After having had some purchases declined on my debit card, I finally called in today to find out what's been going on. Someone had gotten my card info (pretty sure it was the locksmith I had to pay an arm and a leg to to get me to work on time a couple months ago) and decided to try and purchase something from a clothing department in London. I'm a little irked that my bank didn't call me at the first sign of trouble (on Wednesday). Most people have told me that their bank does that. Now, this happens to everyone at least once I'm sure. And, honestly, it's not a big deal. None of the bad transactions cleared, I didn't lose any money and it was about time to get a new card soon anyways (it was supposed to expire in November). But, it just so happens that most of my automatic withdrawals happen this time of the month and they are getting declined due to my card number being cancelled. This is not good. I can't pay my bills!
Another thing I want to mention is my cell phone.
2 years ago I noticed that my cell phone was having some problems. So, I took it into the nearest ATT store and had the guy look at it. He said that it was bad and that I needed to replace it (a wonderful sales tactic I'm sure). So, I purchased the cheapest phone possible. This phone is called the LG Neon. I dare you to google it and read any positive reviews on it. It's a HORRIBLE phone. Anyways. Shortly after purchasing my new phone I noticed that whenever I made a phone call I would hear silence while the other side would be going "hello, Hello.... HELLO!!!!"  So, after about a week or 2, I took it back. The guy nicely replaced the phone with no problems whatsoever. So, time went by, I got fed up with it and tried to go back to my previous phone. I was quickly reminded why I got the new phone and haven't used that since. Then, one day I was at the mall, finishing my business in the ladies' room and the phone fell out of my jeans pocket and took a dive in the porcelain pool. Thankfully the tub was free from any debris and did not fit in the drain. I retrieved my phone and thought that this was the end. So, I went to Walmart and purchased a $40 go phone and quickly put my SIM card in and had a working phone. This new phone wasn't worth the $40. It is a basic phone. No camera, no pictures, not even a screen on the top (it was a flip phone). So, when I realized that my Neon could work again, I went back to it. Still suffering the annoying freeze-ups while I made calls and tried to create text messages, I somehow managed to last with this phone until this past December. I found out that my phone was eligible for an upgrade. I found a fantastic free phone available and ordered it immediately. My mom loved it so much that she actually got one herself. Then, tragedy hit.
My life was falling apart already, and I was dealing with a ton of stress. I was at church and, once again had the misfortune of the phone falling out of my pocket into the porcelain pool while using the facilities. This time, however, it did not return. I lost the entire phone (I do believe I have a blog about this). So, I went back, once more, to the horrible Neon. Now. Since I have been making a more steady income, I decided to browse eBay to see if I might find some wonderful new phone for a decent price. And....I did!
I used the "Buy it Now" option and happily authorized payment on my new phone. I wanted SO BADLY to see my Neon replaced (and smashed to bits). So, my new phone came quickly and I was ever so excited. Then I decided I should check out the alarm sounds. I clicked play and heard nothing. I thought that was odd, so I went to some other sounds and discovered that they, too, did not play. Come to find out, there was a short in the sound system. So, I returned it and was quickly sent a replacement. That phone is now sitting in its box, waiting to go to the post office to be returned as well. I made 2 phone calls with it the day I got it. The people on the other side could not understand me.
So, I'm afraid to say this (cuz just when you think it can't get any worse...it usually gets worse), but it is obvious that things are not going well in my life and it's just getting more and more interesting.
I have heard, on more than one occasion, people tell stories of how nothing seemed to be going right in their lives. Things were breaking, changing and totally out of control...and so on. This always seemed to be the turning point in these stories. I'm not sure exactly what the solutions were, but I can't help but wonder... my car has already had an issue, my phone from hell keeps haunting me, and my computer to a certain (minor) extent has had some issues...among other things (not mentioning my personal life right now-there is a lot more to this story than I am willing to put out for the world to see). It's very likely that something is either going to change, or needs to change and I have yet to figure it all out.
All I know is that I am tired of things not going well. In terms of physical things, they're just things. It puts stress in my life when things break, don't work or whatever. But, it's not the end of the world and life goes on. I know I am not the only one having a rough time nor am I having the roughest time known to man kind. But, these small trivial trials I've experienced this year probably mean more than just the fact that life is hard. It is a high probability that something is amiss, unfulfilled or who knows what right now.
If I only knew.
Oh well.
I'm learning...and for that, I am VERY grateful. :)