Everyone Knows

So, I will admit right now that I have watched the show Grey's Anatomy more times than is necessary, but I still love the show. In the first 3-4 seasons the love story between Derek and Meredith develops, falls apart and grows again more times than I can remember. 

At one point a line is said that "Everyone knows that Derek and Meredith are in love, except for Derek and Meredith." (Probably not the exact quote...but give me a break, I haven't seen that episode in awhile and I couldn't find the line on Google...and yes, I looked, lol). 

Well, folks, I got a similar line told to me about me and my coworker this past week. Apparently this coworker and I have 'vibes' (according to the manager) and everyone that we work with thought we were dating when I started working there. All this news has come out just the past few days thanks to a new coworker that, after working with me 2 days decided that she wanted to plan our wedding. She came up with this connection on her own in a matter of 2 workdays.

Wow...right? 

So, this guy and I did go on about 3 dates about a year and a half before we even ended up working together (it's the reason we became friends and how I ended up with this job), but nothing ever happened.

Part of me wonders how we've ever given off this 'vibe' since he's constantly flirting with and texting other girls and talking about them to my face. 

Seriously.

Then again, if it's so obvious to everyone around, why aren't we in an actual relationship???

Whatever.

If he was interested in me still, I'm sure things would be different. (but that's a post for another time...and probably just for my journal)

Point of this post:

Sometimes things on TV can actually happen in real life (although, I'm not sure I want my ENTIRE life to turn out like that show...)

Who'd a thunk?

Feeling AMAZINGLY overwhelmed :)

Here's a series of emails that will tell you why I am on the verge of the happiest tears I can have right now.

(This is a forwarded email that I got from my Chamber Orchestra Ogden (and former WSU Orchestra) conductor)

Dear Conductor,

I would like to invite you and your group to apply for Utah Symphony’s Pro-Am. Chosen musicians will play the 4^th movement of Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 in a side-by-side performance with Utah Symphony and conductor Vladimir Kulenovic on March 29 on Abravanel Hall. This opportunity is intended for adult amateur musicians who have not substituted with the symphony. You can find out more information and apply here: http://www.utahsymphony.org/connect/item/548-utah-symphony-pro-am
Please pass on this email to your fellow musicians.

Thank you,

(I applied and this was my response) 

Thank you for applying for Utah Symphony’s Pro-Am Event. We received many applications for your instrument, and we have selected other players to participate this year.  We expect, however, that some of those who were selected may find themselves unable to participate.  If, by the end of February, a position opens up, we may contact you to see if you are still interested and available to play in the Pro-Am.

We hope to make the Pro-Am an annual activity of Utah Symphony, and hope you will apply in upcoming years.

Please let me know if you have any questions

 (Experienced more letdown than I expected, but figured it was for the best)

(Today I got this email...)
 

Heather,

One of our clarinets did not accept their seat and we would love to offer it to you. Are you still interested and available in playing in the Symphony Pro-Am on March 29^th at 7 PM?

Thank you,

Tracy



Of all the concerts I've had the chance to perform and the many prestigious venues in which I have performed at, I have never had the opportunity to perform at Abravenal Hall here in Utah.
It has always been a dream of mine. Carnegie Hall wasn't really MY dream. Oddly enough, Abravenal Hall is. I will get to sit side by side with some of the best musicians in the state. To say that I'm overwhelmed and on the verge of tears right now is an understatement.

:-D
 

Good=Evil?

A friend of mine posted this on facebook today. I'm not going to lie-despite my many doubts and struggles with my faith-this picture makes me all sorts of uneasy and frankly I'm not sure I can accurately describe how this feels other than a dagger being shoved into my chest.

Isaiah 5:20 says: "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter."

Many of my thoughts the past couple of weeks have been directed at the questions: 

"What is right?" and "What is wrong?" 

I think that as a whole, our human civilization can agree that there are a few unarguable terms that are very distinctly WRONG. Those terms include theft, cheating (on a test, or on a spouse-although some may try to argue that one) and murder. 

But what, might I ask you, is right? Is there even an inkling of a standard of what is right anymore?

The world today is full of completely unique opinions. There is NOTHING wrong to having an opinion. It's great that we have learned to use our brains. Along with our ever-increasing opinions, it seems that tolerance is something a lot of the world is trying to accomplish as well. This is a good thing, but sometimes I wonder if we tolerate just a little bit too much of the wrong stuff. But then again, WHAT IS WRONG?

Instead of being a non-judgmental force, our lack of standing up for right vs wrong has become a catalyst for allowing ANYTHING to fly.

(I do want to point out at this time that I do recognize that there are millions of people out there that serve one another and sacrifice their lives for the betterment of others. I don't want to completely ignore that fact.)

50 years ago the world viewed things quite differently-or at least that's the image I have. People were a little more reserved in their actions, drugs and sex were a little bit more behind-the-scenes and there was an implied standard of goodness (respect your parents, be honest, etc).

What standards do we have now? 

Do we even have any standards at all?

The problem I have with this picture isn't so much as it is attacking those who believe in God as it it attacking those who want to have a higher standard. It is attacking those that want to be GOOD. 

What is wrong with being good???

We may get to the end of our life and find out there really is no God. What if we pass from this life into another existence, or better yet completely cease to exist at all?

What's wrong with believing in something? What's wrong with believing in God? What's wrong with wanting to be a good person and turning to a Bible to help guide you in your quest for goodness (Oh wait, loving one another is a bad thing...)? Why is this thing that could possibly be right be so wrong to the world around us?

And, if we're being so tolerant of those that don't believe, I believe they should in turn be tolerant towards those of us that do believe. It's a double-edged sword my friends. 

Oh yeah...and...the biggest thing I have with this is...

NO ONE IT PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!

Once we figure out that even the people we hold in highest regards aren't perfect, I think there might be some hope for true tolerance, with standards still in tact. The Pope isn't perfect, the Pres. of the LDS Church isn't perfect and neither are any of the leaders of any other churches, cults, sects or whatever else is out there.

Nerd Moment

Today I turned 27. When did that happen???!!!
I'm still 25...I PROMISE!!!!!
So here's the nerd part...
I hated the year of being 26. 26 is an even number first of all. I prefer odd numbers. Second, it's NOT prime. Third it's not even a square or cube.
27 is MUCH better. It's odd, and 3 cubed is pretty cool. Just sayin'
:)

The Story that Didn't Happen

When I was a little girl, possibly before I was even in Kindergarten (I can't quite remember), my family was invited over to dinner by another family in my hometown. My brother and I were matched in age by the two youngest of this family's children. So, while the adults chatted with each other, my brother and I played with those younger children in the family. I think we spent some time outside and then some time inside, I really don't remember much other than a random happening that would have a rather large impact on my life later on.
To the kid that was my age, for no reason whatsoever I felt the urge to blurt out something and I acted on it. I really have no clue why I said it. I was too young to understand what I meant  by it. But, it happened. I told that boy that I loved him.
(Cute story, huh?!)
I believe I instantly covered my mouth in embarrassment for what I had said. But, it was too late. He had heard it.
After the dinner nothing spectacular happened...that is, until the primary activity that happened who knows how many days (or weeks...or even possibly months) later. I remember going to a particular area of the room (it was a games activity, so multiple 'booths' were set up in the gym that we rotated around) to play a church version of pin the tail on the donkey. They had a sketch of a chapel building and it was missing the door. The blindfolded person had a door. So, it was my turn. The blindfold was put on my eyes and I couldn't see. I don't remember if I had been spun round at this point or not. I know the older girls that were in charge of the activity started giggling. The next thing I knew, there was something a little wet on my cheek. The blindfold was removed and I realized that the boy I had told "I love you" to had just kissed me on the cheek.
I was embarrassed for years to come. (now I wonder why...I mean...I got my first kiss!!!)
Life moved on. Unfortunately he became the one that the other classmates made fun of. I'll admit (sadly) I partook in it sometimes. (oh how I wish I had been a better person back then) His family decided to leave our hometown after our year in junior high. I felt horrible about the way he had been treated by this time. So, I decided to have a card sent around to all the young women to have them sign as a farewell gift. Once again, I'm not sure what possessed me to do this. It's not like he and I were close at all. We barely talked. (you must realize I was ridiculously shy at this time in life and never talked to ANY guys at all...I also felt like I was the girl version of him...the one that others made fun of) Still, I signed the card after everyone else. For some reason I felt compelled by some unseen force to do this service for him. I guess compelled isn't the right word. I felt strongly that I needed to do it. I gave him my email address and told him to keep in touch (I think...or wait...I don't think I even had an email address then...hmm...) Anyways...I gave him the go-ahead to keep in touch. Eventually we ended up emailing. Thanks to IM we even had some somewhat long-night chats.
We both graduated high school and it came time for me to go to college and he went on a mission. He asked for me to write him. I figured that since we were good friends by this time that it was a good idea. I never had any intentions to pursue anything further than friendship with him, but I knew he had already expressed some different sentiments. Long story short-I wrote him while he was on his mission. It was wonderful to have someone to write. It was good to learn of the struggles he went through and to learn with him in some ways.
Then he got home. We decided to meet up. Oh how I wish we hadn't done this...not in the way it happened at least. We went (I don't remember the order of events) to see the lights at Temple Square and to a wedding reception of a friend of mine. He had just recently returned from the mission. Try walking through Temple Square, looking at the lights and not sure where things stand, with a fresh returnee. It was a good visit, but nothing romantic happened (which I'm not sure I would've allowed anyways...although I do recall letting my hand out in case he wanted to hold it...which I'm sure he was too scared to do...why else would he have wandered away from me all the time?) The 'date' (I guess it was a date) ended with a hug I think and we went our separate ways.
We continued to email, sort of. This is where things went south. He lived out of state, so our friendship/relationship/whatever it was was supported only through email. He had my phone number (I think) but never called. Emails were few and far between. I got upset about it. If there was going to be a relationship, I needed it to exist. We had planned on meeting up to see the Nutcracker during the Thanksgiving break. By the time that event happened, I was so mad at him I could barely look at him. The whole day was awkward. I was not a good friend/date/whatever to him. I'll admit. I was horrible. I now have a story to tell because of this and all I have to say is how it ended. It ended with a handshake. He's the one that initiated the handshake, so the feeling was mutual. Yeah...it was THAT awkward.
We went for a few months without really talking, but by and by I couldn't help but want to email him again. He was still my friend. Probably one of my best friends. No one has ever been such a great supporter of me and my crazy self. (wow...chick flick moment here...the kind where you realize what an idiot you were and what you lost)
Once more we decided to meet up during the Thanksgiving break (this was the only time he was in Utah usually). We decided on seeing the lights again. Apparently I didn't get the memo because when we got to downtown it was just like any other normal night. So, we just walked around downtown for a bit. By this time I had had a serious change of heart. Not only would I have let him hold my hand, I wanted him to. I even secretly desired for him to kiss me. (I had never been kissed and he had earned it!) We got to Abravenal Hall and looked at the posters of musicians around. He put his arm around me and told me that would be me someday. It felt SO GOOD when he put his arm around me. I felt warm and secure. I had a wonderful time with him that night. I really did.
Here's the part where I tell you why I was an idiot and didn't allow the relationship to exist after that. I wasn't 100% attracted to him. I just wasn't. I still don't feel attracted to him in a physical way. Also, he is into rpg's. I just can't let that be a part of my life. I won't explain why, but I just can't. It's fickle, but they are pretty big factors for me.
So, I let go. I hadn't planned on getting into anything with him. I never really felt like I wanted to even go on one date with him when he went on the mission. But, through our many emails and instant messages, I learned to care for him. He is the ONLY guy that has told me he loves me. I don't know why I felt so drawn to him. Maybe we could've been the really cute story (you know, the one with the toddler-sized crush that turns into the adult true-life love story). But it didn't happen. It just....didn't.
What brought me to this point of reflection right now is this. He is engaged. His family posted a slideshow of his engagement pictures this morning. I really am so truly happy for him. I care about him therefore want him to be happy. I know I couldn't've made him happy, not like he is right now. You can just see in the pictures that they truly are 100% happy together. But, once I saw those pictures, this horrible, indescribable feeling has been gnawing at me almost all day long. While I am happy for him and want nothing else for him, I'm realizing that my heart is breaking. When he called me beautiful, I didn't doubt he believed it. When he signed his letters with 'I love you' at the bottom, I didn't doubt his sincerity. When I told him of my shortcomings, he kept listening. He really was my best friend at one point. I'm sad that that part of my life is coming to a close. Yet again, I'm retreating into a new layer of being alone. ~goody~
Danny, if you happen to see this, know that I really do want nothing better for you. I've even prayed that you would find someone. I know how much it means to you to get married and to have a family. I'm just realizing now (WAY too late) how attached I was to you.

2 Things

1. Insomnia-- WHY?!?!?!

2. Winter/Snow/Dry Air-- WHY?!?!?!

Is it summer yet??

The End :-(

Happy!

Watch this...

Now this...

I don't know about you, but I most assuredly prefer the Piano Guys version.

What do you think???

I have been a fan of Jon Schmidt since I was introduced to his ever-so-popular piece, Waterfall, when I was in junior high school (1997 I think). Somehow, I also discovered Steven Sharp Nelson's music during my early years at college. Both have proved to be amazing musicians and their music has had a tremendous influence on my life. 

Lately they've been posting music videos of music they've created together. Each piece seems to hit a new level of awesomeness. Some of their music hits my dancing soul. I'll hear it and I just have to move my body. Other pieces are just fun and bring a smile to my face. Then again there are pieces that move my soul and bring me closer to my spiritual side. And then there are pieces like this newest release "Peponi." I heard it once and it stuck with me. They have the ability to turn an already pretty cool song into something so much more. There is something that grabs at my spirit and says that there is more to this than just a pianst, a cellist and a vocalist getting together to have fun. There is heart and soul behind this. There is real passion.

THIS IS MUSIC!

I don't think I can say enough about what they have created...so, I'll just post more links so you can experience the joy I've found.

A smooth blend of classics from different eras

Just good, easy listening


A little something for us nerds out there


A little more on the tender side


The one that makes me want to dance


And last, but definitely NOT least (probably my second fav)

There are a lot more out there, but I think this is a good enough sampling.

Listen. 

Love.
Be inspired.

Share.
(they brainwash you on the sharing part...sorry)

:)