Bread and Sewing

These are the 2 things that I will remember most about my Grandma Carlson. As a little child, once a month, my parents would take me and my little brother to my grandparents' house for the weekend. My parents would go to the temple while my brother and I had time with GM & GPC (as we have come to call them), we would spend the night in the scary basement (scary to me...spiders, pipes, creaking floorboards...you name it, I was scared of it) and after lunch...sometimes dinner, we would drive back home just in time to get ready for bed. As we got older and my dad's health problems prevented them from going as often, these trips stopped. Once I got to high school, we pretty much only made trips for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
If I have one real regret in my life, it's not getting to see my grandparents (and extended family for that matter) more often. I have family in Missouri that I never see (I was about 14 or 15 last time we were there...something I hope can be fixed soon). Anyways, this isn't about my regrets now.
My dear sweet Grandma Carlson has been succumbing to Alzheimer's disease for the past few years (if not more). I got a text from my mom last week that she's really starting to go downhill now. So, I decided to make a trip to see GM & GPC last Sunday. I'm so glad I did. I've had the feeling that I needed to go see them for awhile now. I only wish I had acted on it sooner and possibly more than once. It's been a long time since she's known who I am. But, that doesn't mean that I couldn't be of any worth to her. When I got to their house, she was sitting in her recliner (oh how I loved her recliner...she has a pink one, Grandpa has a blue one) asleep. Their Relief Society president was there. The first impression I got was that their ward is taking very good care of them. Let's face it, my grandpa just can't do everything necessary to take care of her anymore. They have a nurse coming in on a regular basis as well. (I now have a greater deal of respect for CNAs and RNs...when you're on the other side seeing someone you love being cared for, it really means something). I played a couple of hymn arrangements for them. Grandma softly uttered "I like the music." She's in there somewhere...barely. I had a great afternoon talking family history with my grandpa. I got to know him a little better. I really wish I had had a video camera or voice recorder at that time. He told me more about how he was in the war and where he went...he went to Germany and the Philippines (Japan, too, I think).I learned more about where our family comes from. I have Swedish and Italian ancestors, cool, right? :)
But most importantly, I got to see how my grandpa feels about his 'sweetheart.' I've never seen him come close to crying, ever (at least that I can remember). When he started reading a copy of the letter his future in-laws wrote to him about him joining their family, he had to hand over the paper with it and I had to finish reading it because he was so choked up. My grandparents met in Virginia (if I remember correctly). I believe she was on a mission....or he was...I can't remember which one. Their story is really awesome. They had known each other long enough and well enough that he proposed to her after their first date. I always want to laugh at stories like that, but seeing as how it worked for them, I'm starting to think there's really nothing to laugh at. Rather, I'm grateful. I don't know how much longer my Grandma will be alive. We're guessing Christmas may not happen for her. After having gone through Tanner's funeral a couple of years ago, I just can't bare the thought of going through anything like that again. But, I'm grateful that I have time to prepare. Honestly, my Grandma has already been gone for a few years and her body is just barely hanging on.
So, on to the title.
Every morning I would wake up at their house, I would wake up to the sound of the wheat grinder. Grandma made THE BEST bread in the world. She would bake it in cylindrical cans, so the bread came out circle in shape. We would always have granola (although I could never bring myself to eat it) or Cheerios, and toast and honey. I blame my current love of toast and honey on this childhood memory. It's a comfort food really. My grandma sewed and quilted a lot. The quilt on my bead right now was actually my dad's old quilt, which she recovered and tied for me when I was in elementary school. I thought I wanted to replace it...now I'm not so sure...maybe i'll just leave it like that for my own children (if that ever happens). I'm pretty sure she made the dress I wore after my baptism (it was either her or my aunt Janeen...but I'm pretty sure it was her). I loved going in her sewing room and looking at her machines. She always had flowers hanging in the window (Christmas Cactus is one I remember liking a lot). In one of the closets in that room was the box of crayons my brother and I would use to color with.
I loved playing games with Grandpa. Othello and Checkers were fun ones. But, there was one game that I still to this day don't know what happened to it. It was called Situation 4. It was a game that involved racing to put together your side of the board (it was a puzzle) and building an army or something like that. I would play alone against my grandpa and brother as a team. I always won. So, even after some adjustments were made (no-no pieces being the main one), I still won...Grandma didn't like that too much. So, she hid the game.
Lunch involved more of Grandma's wonderful bread. Cottage cheese is also a love of mine because of these lunches. Once the sun room was built, we would eat in there. It was always such a wonderful time. Oh how I miss it. Later on, Grandma decided to learn to play the piano, so they got a piano. They even had an organ. Oh how I loved to play around with the different sounds and accompanying rhythms on that organ.

As you can see, I have a lot of fond memories as a child with my Grandparents. Once I get to high school, the memories don't really exist. What I remember of my Grandma I love. I will miss her immensely once she passes on. She's really the only Grandma I've ever known. (Not to discredit my family in Missouri, but when you see a person a grand total of 4 times (once as a baby, once as a 5-year old, once as a 7-year old for my Grandpa's funeral and then again as a freshman in high school), it really makes a difference.
The best thing I've learned from this situation is that I should never take my family for granted. By the time I realized what I was missing out on, it was too late for her. I will soon only have 2 grandparents alive...my Grandma in Missouri and my Grandpa here in Utah. If you are reading this, please don't make the same mistake I made. Regardless of drama and problems, your family is your family. I'm so grateful for mine and I hope I can get to know mine better (not sure how yet...I hate flying, so the ones that aren't close by are going to pose a problem...but we'll see). :)
Grandma...I love you, I'll miss you, and I will be happy to see you again someday.  

Drama...oh Mama!

So...I'm not sure where to begin...I'm still fending off roaring laughter. There has been a problem with people not cleaning up after themselves ever since I moved in. I hate it. I've been irritated by it constantly. I've made my share of notes, comments and so on about it. No one changes for nagging roommates. It's true! I dare you to prove me wrong. I've just made it a personal goal to take care of myself and not worry about anyone else. It's selfish yes, but at least I know I'm not the one leaving dishes in the sink, junk on the floor and so on.  The new roommates have been convinced that the dishwasher doesn't clean the dishes. So, there is a stack of hand washed dishes on the counter every day or so. I come from a situation where you have to pretty much just wash the dishes before they go in the washer. It's just a fact of life when you live in a cheap or government-funded institution. Hand washing does save on power bills (supposedly) and it's fast when you need something right then and there. But, there is the sponge factor. It has been proven more than once that the kitchen sponge or rag holds more bacteria, viruses, and other gunk than even a toilet seat. I'm not going to eat off of something washed with that. I have slight germ-o-phobic tendencies...so I like the hot dishwasher part. 

Ok....so, we now have new roommates that are young, and just don't get it. This picture is the latest. I saw it and had to run to my room to laugh. I later went out and took a picture of it, because it's just that funny. When I went to take it, I said "I want to remember this." The girls in the room just looked at me with the look that makes you want to run away and hide. But, instead I just wanted to laugh more. I'm working on moving out as soon as possible. I need my own room and I want to live with older people that don't have immaturity issues with the dishes. I know who isn't cleaning up after themselves and she happens to share my room with me. I'm so done with this. It's time to move into my own place and get a cat and/or dog to cope with the loneliness factor. 

Irritated, Bitter Rantings...

Ok...it is not worth your time to read this (if anyone does actually do so).
Today in Sacrament meeting we had two wonderful talks given by two wonderful people that are about to get married. The talks were good, despite being on the topic of marriage, and the Spirit was there.
BUT, once again, the topic of marriage has been pounded into my head. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Seriously. I know it's a commandment to get married and have a family. I would love nothing more than to do so. But, the male gender fails horribly...and, I guess I'm just not what anyone wants right now (or ever). I have done what I can to make myself more appealing to the male gender. Some things I just can't control, but I'm trying. I still have a hard time talking to guys (especially if I think they're attractive in any way). So, that's it universe. I'm done. I fail. Men fail. I will be single for the rest of my mortal life. I'm ok with it, really. I mean, I don't want to be alone, but that's why there are cats, dogs and fish. I just wish people would realize dating and marriage isn't for everyone and that they need to stop drilling it into our minds. It hurts more and more each time. It hit the hardest today when I was asked if I was dating anyone. After all that talk about marriage, someone had to bother me about it personally. I'm sooooo done.

Just a Day

So, it's really late and I'm about to hit the nonsensical point, but I have to jot down some things about my day today.
It all starts with Sunday. There was a CES Fireside broadcast by Elder Richard G. Scott. The last half of his talk hit me in a way that I can't quite explain. I felt more hopeless than I've ever felt about getting married. But, at the same time, I felt ok about everything. So, in my emotional rollercoaster after that talk, I felt like I needed to go to the temple. I was going to go yesterday morning before work, but woke up in a funk and decided to sleep in. Not only did I miss out on going to the temple while it was slow and quiet, but I also almost slept through my job. Anyways....I got through my day yesterday and decided I still needed to go. So, all I could think about today was when I could go. I had decided to go this afternoon after I got off work, but then last night I got called into my other, somewhat existent job (I have 2 permanent jobs and a 3rd one that I am currently subbing at). So, I got up this morning with the idea that it was going to happen because I needed to make up for not going yesterday. Anyways. I got up, went to work at one job, got off, came home, showered, checked my email and left for the temple. I got there and there was a ward with a bunch of youth there. They had me go in and somehow I was able to get in and out in just the right amount of time. (tell me prayers aren't answered...I dare you). It was a wonderful experience. I won't write about it here (too personal). I came out feeling warm, happy and peaceful again. It was wonderful. Then I left and went to my substitute job. At this job I have been subbing for a teacher that has taught piano and violin. Now, any of you that may be reading this that know me, knows that I am not a violin player. The piano lessons are not a problem for me. In fact, I love teaching. The violin part is completely different. As a music education major, I did take 2 semesters of classes that taught me how to play and teach string instruments. So, if I have a beginning student in front of me, I know more than they do and I can handle the lesson just fine. In fact, it's FUN!. I've actually decided to work towards really learning to play the violin because of this. But, there is one student that is not a beginner. Today I found out that they are dropping lessons at the studio due to some serious problems with their program. I tried not to take offense at first, since I am 'just the substitute', but after I found the receipt from their withdrawal process, I can't help but feel a little miffed. On it it asked for a reason for withdrawing. The first part didn't pertain to me. But, then the mother mentioned that the substitute knew NOTHING about violin. Ok, I may not be a master violin player, but I DO know how to play. I can do a few scales, I can hold the bow properly, I can tune the instrument and I can play freaking Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. I don't know NOTHING about the violin. Not only does this hurt my ego (if you can call it that), but now the people that have asked me to sub think I've been doing nothing in the lessons I've been teaching for the past couple of weeks. It really kind of irks me that someone would be so not accurate in their description. It's not like it really matters, and I'm really ok with it. But, really?
Ok. Ranting done. :)
Life is crazy.
I forgot what it was like to be busy. I'm not sure I like it, but at least I can buy some new clothes, buy gas for my car and do more. Yay!
Ok, I'm done for now.
Later!

Ummmmm........

That's the new word of the week for me. More details to follow :)

Friendship...

Ok, so it is past 3am...my vision is getting fuzzy, the hairs on my arms are standing (feels like bugs are crawling all over me), and I'm somewhat listening to the movie "Sabrina" in the background. But, I had to write a little bit about something.
I have recently been contemplating who my real (or is it reel? am I that tired? YES!) (wow) friends are. I won't use any names (hopefully...well....mostly hopefully....in fact, it's probably mostly hopefully...with a touch of hmm).
Life has been hard (I know...it's hard for everyone). Not working and having an income has been a great strain. Living in the dump I call "The Cave" is beyond depressing...I've come to terms that I'm the mom in this place. We will now have the stress of new roommates moving in in the next couple of days. It's MY territory. STAY AWAY!!!!! There's also the added stress of the male gender that I so wonderfully (?) ranted about in my previous blog.
ANYWAYS....
2 things.
Monday an old friend (whom I will name), Eryn Johnson, from high school came out to visit me. We haven't been able to hang out in at least a year. It was SO GOOD to see her! We had a tasty meal from the dollar menu at Wendy's and went to see Charlie St. Cloud. That movie was ok...but the best part was watching Zac Efron. Oh man is he good on the eyes!!!!!! I don't care if he's a little too young. His eyes melt me every time. Eryn and I enjoyed the wet t-shirt scene a little too much I will admit. :)
So, yeah. It was so good to see her. We have been friends since 7th grade I think. We weren't always the closest (gotta love junior high friendships), but for some reason we've been able to be good friends, if not better friends throughout the years. We've even talked about being roommates together if we both found a job in the same area. She's been through a real tough time with a break-up and a lack of a good job. But, she's still herself. I love my friends, I really do. And this visit was just what I needed to get my mind off of some things.
Now, this other friend was a bit of a surprise. I was really struggling with the Spencer thing, and the rest of the male ranting problems. It all kind of hit me that day. I was having a weak moment. My friend started talking to me online and asked what was wrong. Apparently they had to leave the computer for a bit, and well, I thought that this person was just being rude after I had kind of spilled my problems. Later, while I was at the movie, I got a call and a text from this person seeing if I was ok. Now tell me, how many people would've done that? Eventually I got to talk to this person and explain some things. It was so nice to have someone there for me when I needed it. And, honestly, it was just what I needed. Any other person would've given me the response I wasn't looking for. I just feel so lucky to have this person as a friend. They may not be the best person in the world, but I'm finding that this person is getting higher and higher up on the friend list. People surprise me more often than not, and this was a big one.
One of my greatest blessings in life is my friends. Sometimes I am not the greatest friend I can be, but I try. I know I will never be able to make up for the blessings I've received from the friends in my life. Heavenly Father has been watching out for me and knows who I need in my life at certain times. I'm so thankful for this.

Ranting Explained

I know I have a problem with telling things on here that I shouldn't, but at this point, if the people involved in my rantings see this, they will now know how I truly feel.

Boy #1
Danny and I have known each other possibly since kindergarten...maybe longer. He was my first kiss (at age 5), and the only person I knew that had a crush on me (probably still the only one to this day actually). I wrote him on his mission, we had wonderful chats online...and even a couple of fun chats on the phone. I was not all in on wanting to date him, but we had a friendship that had helped me develop a sincere care for him. He never held back that he liked me and that he wanted to date me. I was always hesitant and unsure. I finally gave in and said we could try the relationship thing (long-distance though, since he hasn't lived in Utah since junior high). After that, I lost it. There was very little communication at all. There were other things, but overall, it just didn't work. We met up a couple of times. The first time was really awkward, but I'll just let that be attributed to the fact that he had very recently returned from the mission. The other date was really good actually. He put his arm around me, and I honestly would've let him kiss me that night. But, the damage had already been done by that point. There were some things I could not allow myself to like about him (rpg...) and I had already told him it wasn't going to happen. FAIL. So, fast-forward to now. He has met someone and is already talking wedding dates. It's not like I am sad that he found someone. It just hurts because our friendship is pretty much non-existent now and I feel rejected (even though I rejected him first....stupid...I know...but I'll tell you...his putting his arm around me really felt good and I really thought there might still be a chance). So, yeah. Rejection.

Boy#2
Jon is an interesting story. We went on a couple of dates. I wasn't feeling 100% interested. Nothing really happened. Story over...well...sort of. He and I are still friends. I enjoy talking to him, because I enjoy having any friend at all. I lack guy friends, so that's even better...right? Well, I'm beginning to rethink that. All he talks about to me is other girls he's dating or dated. Even though I'm not interested in him for something serious, it sucks hearing him talk about other girls. I mean...what is a real friendship with a guy supposed to be like? I don't know! Anyways. So...more rejection.

(I know this is full-out rejection per-say, but it's the knowledge that I don't mean anything to these people anymore...knowing that they've moved on, and I'm feeling like a complete failure in the dating game)

Boy #3
Kevin. Oh dear, sweet Kevin. He asked me out. I felt like maybe we were supposed to go out. But, now, I think we merely were meant to be friends. It was completely flattering with the situation though. I know of many people that knew and told me how nervous he was to ask me out. The thought that I could be intimidating enough to someone like him just floors me. But, it was really cute. But, I also somehow managed to evade every chance we had to go out. So, the date never happened. It's all good though. He has met someone now and keeps telling me how happy he is. Which, I'm really truly happy for him. He deserves someone that likes him as much as it sounds like she likes him. It still hurts that I wasn't able to be right in that situation though.

Boy #4
This is the newest one. His name is Spencer. We had a magical day and half together in Logan. He held my hand, we cuddled, we had the deepest conversation I've ever had with a guy before. After that date though, I got really freaked out. I had never held anyone's hand until that night. Not only did he hold my hand, but pretty much everywhere we went, we were holding hands (in public). Now, for someone like me that does not have a lot of dating experience, this was beyond overwhelming. We had a second date. We went to see Inception (great movie by the way). I was successful in avoiding the hand-hold throughout the entire date. Our departure was relatively awkward since he dropped me off at a friend's place and I hadn't seen her in years. So, yeah. I'm fairly certain he was not happy that I didn't even hold his hand. We had discussed that he was going to date other girls and that we weren't exclusive. So, I figured I was ok with everything. Wrong! After our first date he posted as his status on facebook (well, I was going to copy/paste it, but he has since deleted that post...burn!) something to the effect that he had gone to Logan with a 'beautiful lady' to visit his friends. Well, I was feeling bad about the way things ended, so I thought up the idea last night to invite him over for dinner. I'm glad prayers are answered. I prayed for help to know if this was a good or bad idea. ..... Well, I got online today, and his new post said that he had just had the best date ever...blah blah blah...something about a sweet, beautiful date. So, yeah. Oh, and when people asked him who he was with on my date, he never put my name. On this new one, he put her name. Let's just say I'm glad I didn't get to ask him out. Thank you Heavenly Father!

GUYS SUCK
THE END!