Crushed

Tonight I am crushed.
Tonight I am without many words.
Tonight I don't know what to do.

I understand that the world is full of people that believe they are gay, transgender, bisexual, etc. It has become increasingly more and more a major part of our daily lives.
I get that.
I honestly don't know what I believe I am yet, so kudos to those people for believing in something. 
I don't agree with it, but that doesn't mean I hate the person for what they believe. I don't hate anyone. I really don't. So, as you read this, please understand where I'm coming from.

My best friend, my 'sister from another mister' tonight sent me a very thoughtful text. I thought she was just being nice. Then she mentioned something my brother had posted on Facebook.

My brother has thrown out hints for a long time now and I was only fearing the day that it would be a reality as opposed to just a suspicion. Well, tonight my suspicions were put to rest and the reality is there.

My brother has 'come out.'

I'm not so surprised by the announcement, but I am deeply crushed by how I found out.

I have been raised to love those around me, even those that are different. And, as far as I know, the only people I'm not a fan of are the ones that I have personality conflicts with, not the people that believe differently. 

What I'm blogging about right now is the crushed feeling that I have because my brother couldn't tell me in person. He had to tag me in a note he made public on Facebook.

Who does that?!

Home?

A few years ago I was able to participate in the Ogden LDS Institute choir show that was titled "Coming Home." We sang dozens of songs about home.
At one point I thought I understood it all. At one point it didn't seem to matter.
Now it does.
Even though we didn't actually sing this particular song, it went through my mind constantly as we took our show on tour during the summer. The song is called "Home is a Special Kind of Feeling." Here are the lyrics:

Home is a special kind of feeling
The feeling of a place where you belong
A feeling that the world is left behind you
Like a shelter from your cares that seems to want you
to be there

Home is that special kind of feeling
The feeling that you've made it all your own
Somewhere which you know is really your place
A place for living, your special place, your home

Home has a welcome kind of feeling
The firelight, and the warmth of hearth and home
A welcome that you know will always cheer you
Like a gentle fond "hello" that seems to touch you with a glow

Home has a quiet kind of feeling
An island when you need to be alone
A haven for the times you spend together
There's nowhere better, no other place like home

The first stanza is the one that I'm really feeling right now.
By this time tomorrow I will be back in Utah. I'm NOT excited. My spontaneous trip to Missouri has been amazing. We had fun, we ate good food and it was overall a great experience. But the part that keeps sticking with me is that it feels like home. I got to drive around town on my own yesterday and it just felt like I belonged. I don't know if my mind was just wanting to feel that way or if it was a true feeling of...inspiration? I feel so at peace here. I feel like I fit in. My family members feel like friends I've had my entire life.
I don't want to leave!
Home IS a feeling. I feel like I belong here. I wish I could stay. :(

Random and Spontaneous Happiness!

The roller coaster that is my life hit another big turn this past week. I think this is the part of the ride where I realize that it's not all that scary and is actually really fun. Addicting almost.
Recap:
I got told I was going to lose my job at the beginning of June.
I planned on moving out to Missouri to be with my family.
Got told I wasn't losing my job 3 days before we were supposed to close.
Still decided to move.
Got a promotion/raise the following day.

When I got told I'd be getting promoted with a pay raise I realized that I needed to stick around a little bit longer. Our school lunch program starts up at the end of August and apparently my boss is counting on me for that.
This past Sunday I had another talk with my mom (I love her to death and don't know what I would do without her, honestly!). I came up with the idea of just going to visit for awhile to see how much I really want to move out there, as well as to just get away from here. My mom agreed that it was a good idea.
I talked to my aunts about coming to stay in August and they mentioned that they were going to be in Chicago from July 19th-22nd and that it would be cool if I could go with them. I couldn't pass up that opportunity, so, a week ago a train ticket was purchased (I avoid flying if at all possible) and I'm planning on embarking on my new adventure in less than 40 hours. It has been hectic beyond all reason planning this in less than a week. It was a miracle I even got work worked out.
Tuesday night after I get off work at 10, I'm going to take the Frontrunner to the Salt Lake Amtrak station and wait, who knows how long, for the train to arrive (it's scheduled for 3:30am, but the trains have been at least an hour late this week). So, Tuesday night going into early Wednesday morning is going to be interesting.The train ride will be long, too. It's supposed to leave at 3:30am and get into Chicago the following day at 2:50pm (almost 35 hours) But, I can't wait. I'll get to see the country and won't have to deal with driving or my flying anxiety.
The best part though, is that I get to go back to Chicago for a few days, and spend it with 3 amazing people. I'm way excited about Missouri as well, but I cannot for the life of me calm down about the Chicago part. I LOVE that city! :-D
I'll try to take as many pictures as possible and possibly do a trip blog post. I'm way excited about the scenery that I'll get to pass through on my long train ride. Hopefully I won't fill up my memory card on just that part of the trip :)

Here's to spontaneity!!!
Did I mention I'm excited?! ;)

And the roller coaster continues...

It is way too late for me to be getting into this right now, but I have to do some methodical writing to clear my mind. I doubt I'll be able to sleep anyways. (yay for the ac not working in my apartment-seriously considering packing my room full of ice)
A year ago I got to visit my family in Missouri. I was the happiest person I could be when I was there. I felt so at home. I felt like I belonged. So, ever since March of last year I have been trying to find a way out there. First I tried applying to jobs out there. Then, after no success, I asked my aunt if I could move in with her and use that as a starting point for starting a new life out there. Unfortunately she was having some serious marital problems and was unable to help me out. So, I had already been thinking about going back to school in order to find a career I could support myself with. So, I pursued going into medical assisting. That process took way too long, but eventually (after about 5 months) I was able to enroll and take classes. After 3 months of doing extremely well in my classes I hit a couple of roadblocks. First of all, the main textbook I was using was indescribably difficult to get through. The workbook does not do a good job of matching up with the text. Then, about a month ago I was informed that it was more than likely that I would lose my job. Immediately I saw this as my opportunity to pack up and go on an adventure (of sorts). When I was told for sure that I was going to lose my job, I dropped out of school and called my other aunt and asked her the same huge favor I had asked the previous one. Everyone out there has been wonderful about making me feel wanted out there. I can't express how badly I want to go out there. But, every time I choose a path that would take me there, I get blocked. Just as I was starting to feel at peace about losing my job and moving to Missouri, the news came that I might not lose my job after all. When I was completely at peace, happy and even excited about moving out there, I got news that I was indeed not losing my job. This news came on Wednesday. Thankfully I was able to scream out my frustrations at Lagoon that day. I now have a deep love of roller coasters. After thinking about it and even talking to my mom about it in depth last night (yes, just last night) I decided that I would still try to make the move when my lease is up on my apartment in August. Once again, I felt pretty peaceful about it.
Then today happened.
It's not s deal breaker, but it really makes me wonder.
My boss approached me, told me that the assistant manager is leaving, and although there won't be an actual assistant manager now, he and the owner thought it would be good to have a couple of shift managers. He asked if I would be interested. It comes with a pay increase and a better resume status. Of course I said yes (I would be an idiot to turn that down).
But, now what do I do???
Every time I turn my head to the east I feel happy and excited, but almost immediately afterwards I get sucked even deeper into what I now call the black hole that is Ogden.
I'm so thoroughly confused as to what direction I should go that it's not even funny.
I'm also thoroughly convinced that God has a sick, twisted sense of humor. I probably look like a mouse stuck in a maze going around in circles getting closer to the exit and at the same time getting pulled away from it.
It would be so nice if someone could just tell me what to do.
Seriously.
The end...for now.

Isn't it funny?

I've always heard the story of people coming to a spot in their lives where they are completely comfortable with how things are going. And, then the next day everything changes.
Well folks...I am now one of those.
I didn't even realize it, but I have come to terms with where my life is and I was pretty ok with it. My financial situation isn't great, but I have a job, and I have a roof over my head. I have a good roommate. I have good friends. I am back in school and doing well. I'm all in all fairly content with my life right now. I didn't realize it until it was too late though.
As of Monday, June 4th, I am now looking for a new job. The place I work at, 5 Buck Pizza, has been struggling to stay afloat for a long time and the owner has finally decided to let it go. The lease on our building is up at the end of the month, so we will be closing at that time. I do not know exactly when my last day will be, but I know it is coming whether I want it to or not. I've already said goodbye to a coworker that I've thoroughly enjoyed working with. It's all a little surreal. A few months ago I was trying to get a new job because I felt like I deserved better. I was finally more than ok with my situation...and now I HAVE to find something new.
The irony of life never ceases to amaze me.

My Wish

I've been without internet for a couple of weeks and it feels like it's been years since I've written a blog. So, with that, I feel like I need to express some thoughts right now about what's going on in my life.

A year ago I was suffering from very severe back pain. I could barely get out of bed in the morning and it was test and trial to go to work every day to lift huge batches of dough and big bags of 10 pizzas and so on. I honestly thought I was going to need back surgery or I'd end up with chronic pain for the rest of my life. I never got a diagnosis on the actual problems since I don't have medical insurance and couldn't afford more than one trip to an insta-care for some very necessary pain killers (that ended up making me so sick that I had to stop taking them...unfortunately it was the only thing that helped). I'm fairly certain I had a ruptured disk in my upper and possibly lower back as well. My upper back pain came on suddenly one night while in an orchestra rehearsal. My lower back 'went out' 2 weeks later while at work. I've had problems with my disks before way back when I did tumbling in jr. high school (too many back bends??). I was constantly taking pain killers and trying everything I could find online to help. Heat, cold, stretches...you name it. I even tried a chiropractor. Nothing helped. I felt completely trapped. After months of this I finally resigned myself to the fact that I would never be able to do anything super fun anymore. I had done some modern dance at WSU for a couple of semesters in the past and I also enjoyed going country dancing every once and awhile, but was not able to tolerate the pain at all and lost all hope of ever enjoying those things again. 

Then, one day, miraculously my lower back started getting better. My aunt had had some similar back problems and had shown me some strengthening exercises. I had also discovered a ball method of pain relief that I ordered online that seemed to help slightly. I finally got to the point where, with some manipulation, I could at least turn around in my car to see out the back window to back out of a parking spot (it was that bad). Thankfully things kept improving. But, to no avail, there was only one cure for my upper back and it only lasted for a few hours. I discovered a Pilates video on Netflix. There was one stretch that just seemed to get the screaming nerves to calm down for a little while. (just so you know, the pain felt like I was getting stabbed in the back constantly while every muscle that could, would tighten up) 

(slight tangent-I promise it's important)

The first 2 weeks of August have now come to mean so much to me. I was able to travel to Missouri with my parents to visit my mother's family. I love them so dearly. I had had a chance to visit them briefly in March (for the first time in probably 10 years or so), but this time was so much better. We spent 2 weeks total, driving there, staying there, and driving back. I got to spend time with my cousins that I barely know. I found out that even though I don't have any real sisters, my mom's sisters are just as much mine as hers. 

I slept the entire time there on my aunt's couch. I don't know that I slept very well that entire trip (yay for humidity and sleeping on a couch for too long), but something happened...I really don't know what. When we got to our hotel in Nebraska on the way back home I went to bed feeling sick and thought life was just getting even more 'peachy.' I woke up the next morning not feeling sick anymore, and my upper back pain was almost completely gone. It was a complete miracle! I didn't dare say anything because I didn't want to jinx it. The next day it was just about the same. After a week of barely any pain I got really excited. I was able to move again!

A little back story on this next part...

Last year (before the pain started) I had the opportunity to accompany not just the Ogden classes, but the Bountiful classes as well (and by classes, I mean the Virginia Tanner Creative Dance Program). The teacher (Liz) and I had many a conversation after classes got out. At one time I told her how I had taken some dance in the past and was wanting to do it again. She mentioned to me that there was an adult class in Salt Lake and that I should go. Since my schedule was really hectic at that time I decided against going. But, I had the idea to give it a try the following year. So, with that...back to my story... :)

With just a week before all the dance classes started up again I realized that I could move again and that it might actually be ok to take this dance class. I missed the first week since I had to work (or something...not sure I remember). I showed up the next week not knowing what to expect. I was seriously overweight, out of shape and hadn't done any real dancing in about 2 years. I met Miss Anne. She was so gracious and welcoming. I don't know that I would've stayed had it not been for her sincere acceptance of my desire and not my physical appearance. 

For awhile I felt anxiety before leaving for each rehearsal. I wondered what I was doing to myself. I gained so much weight after I graduated from WSU. My back was still slightly trying to warn me to be careful and I just didn't know if it was a good idea to do it. I was very self-conscious and wondered if I'd ever fit in.

Fast forward to now.

Tomorrow is the annual performance at Kingsbury Hall. Last year I got to accompany the 2 Bountiful classes while they danced, but other than that, I have had no real experience with these shows (other than doing what I can to help out while my Ogden dancers have prepared).

Tomorrow I actually get to dance, on stage.

Tomorrow, I get to be someone I think I've always wanted to be. 

As a child I remember many a time listening to music and creating dances to it in my mind. (not that I really knew what I was doing...) I always feel the music I listen to and want to move with it. If you watch my senior clarinet recital video it's tiring watching how much I move. I think I've really been dancing my entire life...just without any real clue though. :) I don't think I ever really understood what dance was all about. I grew up on a small military base that lacked in many normal activities that most children get to experience. I was lucky to be able to do tumbling when I did. I only knew that my 2 cousins danced and that was about it...I was really in a little bubble back then. 

So, even though I'm still nowhere near the ideal dancer I'd like to be...I'm still able to be a part of this performance tomorrow. There is so much more I could say right now, but it's getting late and I have to be up and on the road by 7:30am (yikes!).  

My life has been blessed exponentially since I was offered the opportunity to accompany the Ogden studio classes 4 years ago. The teachers I've been able to work with, the children I get to watch every week, the music I've been able to create (improv is not one of my strengths, but I have had some magical moments in that studio), the dear friends I've made, and the changes I've experienced in my own personal life because of this program never cease to amaze me. 

Every time I think about trying to get a new job, I realize that I won't be able to play with these beautiful children anymore and...well, there's a reason I'm working at a pizza place right now...part-time jobs are flexible. 

So, the whole purpose of this, I suppose, is to express my sincere gratitude and amazement. First, gratitude, for the many blessings. Second, amazement, because this time last year I was in so much pain. I never thought I'd be able to do anything like this. I never imagined I would be able to do anything like this in my life...EVER! 

To anyone that has read this, I don't know that I could ever truly express how I feel every time I think about this. I am completely overwhelmed. I don't know what life holds in store for me in the coming months, but if I am able and capable, I so hope I can continue to have this as a part of my life. It's the only thing that has kept me going in my darkest hours these past couple years (and they've been VERY dark at times). 

Music and dance are how I express myself. They are the very core of my being and I don't know who I'd be without these wonderful things in my life. 

My Happy Place

Tonight was AMAZING!!!!!!
This song has been running through my mind all day long and I've decided it's my happy song for the evening.
The event I was able to participate in allowed amateurs, like me, to sit in on a rehearsal and concert with members of the Utah Symphony. I got to sit next to Darren Bradford. Darren Bradford is one of the best clarinetists in the state and possibly the country. He is currently the principal clarinetist of the Orchestra at Temple Square and is a sub for the Utah Symphony.
This Pro-Am event wasn't quite what I expected, but it was so worth the time and money. There is NOTHING like the feeling of playing with an orchestra like that. We were not dressed formally (most of us were in jeans). The audience was small (not open to the public). It was short, but ever so sweet.
We played the Finale of Beethoven's 5th Symphony. That piece is pretty much amazing. Anyways. I'm EXHAUSTED and can't think much more. (If I continue to type I might start throwing in random medical terms because that's all my brain has thought of all day long.)

Conclusion:
Beethoven= Great
Finale of 5th Symphony= Cherry on top
Performing at Abravenal Hall=Add sprinkles and whipped cream
Getting to taste the old, happier me (talking clarinet stuff with people 'in the know', enjoying playing, etc)=
PRICELESS
:-D