Used

Today I had an experience that has opened my eyes to a world of less than ideal friends. Since this past summer there has been an acquaintance of mine that has been purchasing pizza from the company I work for. After it was discovered that I worked there he began requesting me when he made orders. At first I was flattered and thought that maybe he might actually like me. After a few weeks of this I found an opportunity to give him my
phone number. I thought it was a great idea. I think it was obvious enough that I was interested in him. I even tried to start conversations with him on Facebook. Things kind of died down, especially when I went to Missouri for a couple of weeks.
Up until today very little more had happened. I figured I had scared him off as I seem to have the amazing ability to do so more often than not. Then today at work, while I was in the bathroom trying to clean up after scrubbing the floors all afternoon, he called. My coworker, Nate, told him I wasn't able to come to the phone right then and tried to put him on hold. Our phones suck and he got hung up on. Apparently he called again and Nate had the guts to tell this guy I was in the bathroom. Seriously?! Anyways. When I finished cleaning up, I was told to call this guy back.
It was made known to me last night that he is having a party tomorrow night for the new year. I have friends that have been invited. I have not received any kind of invitation. When I finally got ahold of this guy I was very curious as to why he wanted to talk to me. He answered his phone and proceeded to tell me he had a question to ask me.
Put yourself in my shoes at this point. You've been told multiple times that he's asked for you while you're at work. He's been nothing but friendly and possibly even flirted at some times. So, you get to this point and he tells you he has a question for you. What would you think? What do you think a hopeless, lonely girl like me thought or expected?
I can tell you right now, what he asked me isn't so fairy tale worthy.
He wanted to know what kind of deal I could get him for an order tomorrow. So, now that my hopes have literally been wiped all over the floor, I now have to wonder about all of those past calls. Was he requesting me all these times with the hopes that I would get him a better deal? Has he been playing me and leading me on all this time just to use me?
I. Am. Sick. Of. This.
I have a new year's resolution now because of this experience. I resolve to not let people walk all over me. I resolve to stand up for myself and demand more respect from those I know. I resolve to be a person worthy of feeling better about myself.
I plan to start by talking to this guy and letting him know how I feel and that I'm not a friend of convenience. Now I just have to muster up enough courage. Ha.... Ha..... :-/

Difficult Times

Once again this is just a venting about how stressed out I am right now.
This has nothing to do with my emotional and physical problems. After reading this, you will know my finances...just warning...you may not really need to read this.

I work an average of 30 hours a week for a measly $7.50/hr. (this adds up to about $450-500 gross income per pay period) I do get paid tips once and awhile and receive a gas reimbursement of $1.75 for every delivery I make. Up until now I've been able to get by without much trouble. I've even almost paid off my outstanding tuition debt (about $400 left...give or take some interest and so on) (SO CLOSE TO GETTING MY DIPLOMA!!!!).
Here's where the trouble is...
I stupidly signed up for a gym membership at Gold's Gym, and a membership at Massage Envy. The Massage Envy membership was a horrible mistake (but it forces me to take some time out for myself, and it has been helpful with my many aches and pains I've had this past year). The Gold's Gym membership was a good idea, although it is horribly over-priced. So, some of my financial stresses are my fault...well, ok, ALL of them are my fault...but these weren't as necessary.
Here's the low-down. (remember these are averages and rounded up to keep it simple...and my hours change every week, so it's just an estimation)
My average direct deposit is about $400 twice a month. That's about $800 a month. My rent is $250. That leaves me with $550 for bills and whatnot. Take out my $100/mo tuition repayment, that's $450. Then there's the credit card repayment of $75/mo. $375...ok. Then take the memberships I am obligated to pay...which almost equal $90. This leaves me with about $285. This doesn't seem too bad I suppose...but then there's power and internet to take into consideration. I'll round that up to about $20/mo. So, $265 is where I'm at now. And, of course there's the religious contributions I make every week (tithing). It probably averages out to $60 per paycheck, so $120/mo. That leaves me with 145/mo. Split that in half, since this total has been for the month average so far...We'll just make it an even $75 per paycheck left for food and gas. Ha...gas. I put in at least $20/week (the joys of driving for a job). So, about 40 for gas leaves me with...35 for food. This is survivable, right?!
Here's my major dilemma. My paychecks haven't been that big lately (haven't been getting more than 30 hours a week lately) and this thing called a car has practically stripped me bare. All within one day I realized I was in trouble. Tuesday it snowed. I knew my front tires were not good, but was hoping that they would survive just a little longer. I had driven to Salt Lake for a job interview (which I did not get). It was precipitating a little bit and I discovered that my windshield wiper on the driver side was in a bad way. So, after my interview I had to purchase a new wiper (no big deal...it was only $5). Then, as I got closer to home, the snow got worse. Not realizing how unsafe my tires were I kept driving as normal. I finally got to a stoplight...only I didn't really stop...not until I was halfway through the intersection. Thankfully no one was in front of me and no one had started driving from the other sides. Then, as I slowed to turn into my apartment complex I slid, far, again. I knew it was time to get new tires...but I had to work that night. So, I actually attempted to have someone cover my shift since I was literally scared out of my mind to drive again. After convincing myself I would need the money, I eventually went into work. As I turned on my headlights I noticed something else wasn't right. After stepping out of my car I saw that one of my headlights was out. Great! :( So, I drove to work praying constantly that first, the roads wouldn't be slick and second, that I wouldn't get pulled over. I had to pass on making any deliveries that night which would've really helped my financial situation. It was a pain, but everything worked out ok.
Fast forward to today. I had time to take my car in to get the tires looked at. I was hoping that if I just asked them to rotate the tires (a free service) they would do it and it would be enough to last me until my parents could help me buy new tires. My hopes were in vain. Thankfully they had some used tires...but that was $90. I still had to get a new headlight...which came to $17 (but was later dropped to $10 by the person who cashed out my transaction...he has a special place in my heart right now...he saved me $7...which doesn't seem like much, but right now it's everything). Anyways. There's still a charge of $85 for a past medical bill looming over me that was supposed to come out of my account a few days ago.
I'm grateful that I'm not homeless and that I do in fact have a job. It's better to be where I'm at than where it's possible. But, holy crap...this is so difficult!!! I'm not asking for any money. I can't do that. I'm just wondering if this will ever get better.
I'm not a huge fan of most jobs available out there. I realize there are mindless jobs out there that pay well and would put me in a better situation. But, I don't want a mindless job. I need to feel like I'm worth something in my work. I don't have many amazing skills when it comes to computers or sales, etc so my job opportunities are already limited. I keep applying to jobs that I might be good at and that might fill that need to be a source of good for someone else out there, but have not had much luck. I've been applying for jobs off and on for 2 years and had my first interview this past week. It's so discouraging. I know I can't have everything, but I'm already struggling with being depressed...I need something to feel good about right now. I feel like I'm stuck in this horrible rut right now. I want to move out of Ogden. I want a better job. I need a better life. Yet, I see no hope or sign of change.
I want to go back to school so badly...but how the heck am I going to afford it?!

Perfect!

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

"Don't Quit,"  Author Unknown

Peace

If you've read any of my posts from the past year, (especially my last post) you'll probably agree and not find it any bit shocking when I've had a rough time. I experienced the passing of my Grandmother and a former Bishop (someone whom I learned a LOT from and looked up to in many ways). I also experienced the shock that comes from a friend that has committed suicide. Alongside these personal losses, I also lost my faith and my passion. I lost everything that made me, me.

The past few weeks have been so ridiculously difficult for me in a way I couldn't've imagined a year ago. I recently had a talk with my bishop on a completely unrelated topic and came out crying because I realized that I think so little of myself that..ahh...I can't even explain it. That talk with him was the first time I felt I had been treated well in a long time. It felt so good to feel respected and loved.

I know there are people out there that love me (or at least say they do). There's just one problem...

I've somehow learned, unfortunately, to turn my back on that love. I have convinced myself that I don't deserve to be loved and and that anyone that says anything to me that resembles love, I feel is a lie. How I got to this point, I don't know.

I learned to hate myself, inside and out. I didn't even realize it until this talk with my bishop. My previous blog...I'm not sure if I want to apologize for it or not. It's not a typical post, and it's really not how I want people to see me (not that many people see this anyways). But, I felt it needed to be said. I doubt many if any will see it anyways.

My soul is sick right now. The hell that I've gone through this past year has left me all but dead.

With this, I have 2 things that I have learned about myself and life in general.

First --

There really is always someone out there that has it worse than you. Unfortunately, I'm finding that pretty much everyone around me has it worse. So, I feel horrible when I complain about my little, insignificant problems. But, everyone must go through a hard time once and awhile. I don't know that anyone else would go through what I've gone through and see things the way I do now (if that makes ANY sense). I realize that I have a bad attitude about things. I let my emotions take control. People that have struggled with much worse than me have fought the battle with better spirits than I have. To those people, I admire you whole-heartedly. I hope that someday I will be able to weather the storm a little better.

Second--

To know the bad is to know the good. It really is! I don't think I have ever truly understood, nor appreciated the peaceful moments as I should've. With the heartache, disgust, disbelief, and utter hatred I've felt, I now understand peace. Those few moments that I've had mean everything to me. Those moments are what keep me going. My life may be a total nightmare right now, and everything inside is just rubble and darkness, but those few peaceful moments shine brighter than any other.
That peace is more precious to me than anything I can think of right now. In those short, quiet moments, I don't feel unloved or hated. I don't feel the self-loathing that has plagued my mind as of late. My soul becomes still. There is hope. 

1 John 4:15 says, "Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God."

I then looked up the word confess. To confess is to 'admit, acknowledge and to declare.' It's a big step for me to say anything like this right now, and I'm not sure what will happen once I say it, because it is still a HUGE leap of faith for me. This is a very large step into the unlit path.

With this, I make my confession.

That love and peace I feel come from God. I don't know any other explanation for it.

Raw

There really is nothing worse than looking in the mirror (or at a picture of yourself) and hating EVERYTHING that you see. I hate the horrible complexion, the overweight face and the thin and messy pile of hair on my head. But, the thing I hate the most isn't what you see on the outside.

The doppelganger

Why I'm writing this-
I've been thinking about getting a haircut lately, since it's been a good 6 months since my last one. I've been searching online to find out good styles for my face shape and body size. Awhile back the doppelganger thing was popular on facebook. I found out that my doppelganger was Jennifer Love-Hewitt. With the picture I used, it's not hard to see why. We had very similar face shapes and even hair color at that time. I just took a picture of myself to see if I might still have that same shape, just in case it might help me in my search for a new do.
Alas...I have gained too much weight. My shape is nowhere to be found under the layers of fatty, acne-covered skin that plague my face right now.
Oh, and I forgot to mention the nasty gap-filled smile as well.
I truly hate the way I look. But, the worst part is, when I look at the picture I took, the acne, the fat, the hair and even my mouth aren't as pathetic as my eyes.
Do I look even remotely happy?
They say the eyes are the window to the soul. If that is the case, I don't know what else to say. I pretty much hate myself right now.

Yummmm!

A friend of mine just posted this on facebook and I HAD to post it here. I wish I wasn't so poor...I want to go get stuff to make these RIGHT NOW!!! Anyways...enjoy :)

Candy Cane Kiss Cookies
Recipe by Our Best Bites
1/2 c. butter-flavored shortening
1/2 c. real butter
1 c. brown sugar
1 c. white sugar
2 eggs
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
optional: 1 tsp peppermint extract
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
2 1/2 c. flour, lightly spooned into measuring cups and leveled with a knife
1/4 c. + 2 Tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder
1 12 ounce bag dark chocolate chips
48 Hershey’s Candy Cane Kisses, unwrapped (one 10 ounce bag)
Preheat oven to 350.
Cream together softened butter, shortening, brown sugar, and white sugar for 1-2 minutes on medium-high speed or until light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla. Meanwhile, combine the baking powder, baking soda, salt, flour, and cocoa powder. Add to the butter/sugar mixture and mix until combined. Mix in the chocolate chips.
To prevent cookies from flattening out, refrigerate dough for 30-60 minutes.  Drop the dough by the tablespoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet. Bake until just set, but centers are still soft, about 8 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool for 1-2 minutes. Use a metal spatula to transfer cookies to cooling rack.  Top each cookie with an unwrapped Candy Cane Kiss.  Allow to cool completely, long enough for the Kiss to harden. If necessary, after the cookies have cooled, they can be placed in the refrigerator or freezer to re-solidify the Kiss.
Yield: 4 dozen cookies