Peace

If you've read any of my posts from the past year, (especially my last post) you'll probably agree and not find it any bit shocking when I've had a rough time. I experienced the passing of my Grandmother and a former Bishop (someone whom I learned a LOT from and looked up to in many ways). I also experienced the shock that comes from a friend that has committed suicide. Alongside these personal losses, I also lost my faith and my passion. I lost everything that made me, me.

The past few weeks have been so ridiculously difficult for me in a way I couldn't've imagined a year ago. I recently had a talk with my bishop on a completely unrelated topic and came out crying because I realized that I think so little of myself that..ahh...I can't even explain it. That talk with him was the first time I felt I had been treated well in a long time. It felt so good to feel respected and loved.

I know there are people out there that love me (or at least say they do). There's just one problem...

I've somehow learned, unfortunately, to turn my back on that love. I have convinced myself that I don't deserve to be loved and and that anyone that says anything to me that resembles love, I feel is a lie. How I got to this point, I don't know.

I learned to hate myself, inside and out. I didn't even realize it until this talk with my bishop. My previous blog...I'm not sure if I want to apologize for it or not. It's not a typical post, and it's really not how I want people to see me (not that many people see this anyways). But, I felt it needed to be said. I doubt many if any will see it anyways.

My soul is sick right now. The hell that I've gone through this past year has left me all but dead.

With this, I have 2 things that I have learned about myself and life in general.

First --

There really is always someone out there that has it worse than you. Unfortunately, I'm finding that pretty much everyone around me has it worse. So, I feel horrible when I complain about my little, insignificant problems. But, everyone must go through a hard time once and awhile. I don't know that anyone else would go through what I've gone through and see things the way I do now (if that makes ANY sense). I realize that I have a bad attitude about things. I let my emotions take control. People that have struggled with much worse than me have fought the battle with better spirits than I have. To those people, I admire you whole-heartedly. I hope that someday I will be able to weather the storm a little better.

Second--

To know the bad is to know the good. It really is! I don't think I have ever truly understood, nor appreciated the peaceful moments as I should've. With the heartache, disgust, disbelief, and utter hatred I've felt, I now understand peace. Those few moments that I've had mean everything to me. Those moments are what keep me going. My life may be a total nightmare right now, and everything inside is just rubble and darkness, but those few peaceful moments shine brighter than any other.
That peace is more precious to me than anything I can think of right now. In those short, quiet moments, I don't feel unloved or hated. I don't feel the self-loathing that has plagued my mind as of late. My soul becomes still. There is hope. 

1 John 4:15 says, "Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God."

I then looked up the word confess. To confess is to 'admit, acknowledge and to declare.' It's a big step for me to say anything like this right now, and I'm not sure what will happen once I say it, because it is still a HUGE leap of faith for me. This is a very large step into the unlit path.

With this, I make my confession.

That love and peace I feel come from God. I don't know any other explanation for it.