A Story of Mine

On Wednesday I was driving to Brigham City and decided to pull out an old cd I had 'made' (I called it Happy Music) back in high school. At the end I had added some instrumental pieces. Most were pieces I had played at All-State Band or at an honor band I had done at the U. As those pieces came on a flood of memories came back.
While I was at work yesterday morning (all by myself) those same memories had time to come back and in greater detail. I want to dive further into those again now, because I think it is very significant to my life.

I learned to play the clarinet because I could. I had no serious ambitions. I never practiced. I really didn't care. I just showed up each day and thought life was fine.
Then, some of my mom's piano students, Jon and Missy Morgan and their friend Rene Morse, talked about doing this All-State band at their lessons. I don't know why I felt I had to, but I know I felt a certain pull to it and had to be a part of it. So, my sophomore year of high school I talked to my band director and got the list of what I needed to do to audition (or maybe my mom did...certain details are fuzzy...it has been over 10 years since this happened).
Did I practice...of course not. (Man was I an idiot!)
In order to record my audition I had to use the machine in the high school band room since we did not possess any recording materials. So, my band director sat in his office while I struggled through the audition materials.
Later my mom told me that he had talked to her, not believing I would make the band, and told her that he had paid the $45 to get me into the All-State Choir since he was so doubtful.
I remember this next moment vividly.
I was staying with Rene and Missy at Missy's sister's apartment in Provo. We were there for the Summerfest camp at BYU. My mom and I ended up talking on the phone and she told me of opening my acceptance letter into the All-State Band.
There was much rejoicing on my part. And...lots of 'in your face' thoughts towards my band director. I still don't think I've fully forgiven him for doing that to me. I understand that he didn't want me to feel left out, but going to such lengths to prove it...it still hurts.
Not only did I get in, I wasn't last chair. Funny side story-I ended up sitting next to an awesome girl named Lynlee...she and I ended up sitting next to each other in band later on at WSU. 
I loved that experience so much that I did it again the following year.
I also got involved in the honor bands at the U.
By the time I was a senior in high school I was convinced I wanted to be a band director. I had learned so much in those other bands that it had to be a part of my life forever. So, through another round of crazy events, I ended up at Weber State University majoring in music education.
My clarinet teacher was a good musician, but did not really push me that much. I credit any real improvements I made to other teachers, other players around me and other outside forces.
Anyways...
The cherry on top to this frustrating experience in high school with my doubtful band director came when I auditioned for the Utah Intercollegiate Band. I think it was my second time doing it. It was at SUU in Cedar City. I killed my audition. (I know...I'm not terribly humble about this one)
I got 5th chair.
I finally got to sit with the 1st part clarinets.

Eventually I ended up being the section leader and 1st chair clarinet at WSU for a couple of years. I also got to be the principal clarinet in the orchestra for a couple of years.

I really can't explain how I feel as I look back on where I started and the years in-between then and now.
I have truly been blessed, despite the doubt of others and even myself at times.

Noise

I grew up in a very small, very remote town in the middle of the dessert. The loudest noise there was never much. Maybe a group of teenagers walking by, a car driving by, or, at most, the rare siren was all that was ever heard. I remember waking up one morning thinking that the owl hooting outside was almost too loud-I believe it actually woke me up. When the power went out-a very common occurrence-it got so incredibly silent. I absolutely LOVED it when the power went out. The power generator for the grocery store was all that could be heard.
I miss those days.
I currently live on a main road that is only a few blocks away from both a fire station and the hospital. Not a day goes by that at least 2-3 different sirens can be heard screaming by. Every time I hear a siren I feel a small brush of anxiety inside.
I also live in an apartment building that is such that I can hear the dogs and cats clearly outside my bedroom window. The tenants upstairs are loud enough I sometimes fear that the ceiling will fall down on me. The tenants across the outside hallway scream a lot. And they slam the door a lot as well. I can also hear noise from beneath me where many cars are parked.
I always thought that I'd like to live in the city, but now I know without a shadow of a doubt, I need silence. I long for the day when I can live in a house that is not connected to anyone elses.
I long for silence.
Oh, how I long for peace and quiet!

Can you say: Stuck?

I have discovered a rather humorous, or disturbing depending on how you look at it, pattern in my life. In the spring I got word that I was going to lose my job. I contacted family in Missouri and had a plan to move out there and find a new life there. A week before we closed, we didn't close. I decided that I still wanted to move to Missouri. The next week I got a promotion.
Ever since our store didn't close it has felt like we were on the half of the Titanic that was left bobbing on top of the ocean just waiting to sink. So, once again I got things moving.
I finally got my diploma-oh Weber State how you never cease to amaze me with your problems. I turned my focus to looking at grad school. Just as I started looking seriously at a certain school/program-in Missouri- and thinking about taking the GRE, our business just got a possible boost that could potentially keep us open for a long time.
I told my boss my theory the other day and he got a kick out of it. I should just keep trying to move to Missouri. It's really doing good things for the store.
So yeah, I guess I'm stuck here for a reason. I can't seem to get out.

Untitled Jibber-Jabber

So, I've been lying in bed for about 3 hours trying to convince myself that I'm tired. But, every time I have a moment to think, I think about going into work tomorrow.  Then I think about how someone I have a crush on told me he's possibly going to stop by tomorrow. Then I have to fight the urge to let out a massive giddy scream since it's past midnight. I'm wide awake. Sleep may not come easily tonight. I have a 13 1/2 hour shift tomorrow. I really need to sleep. But gosh dang it!!! I'm so twitterpated that there's little hope of passing out anytime soon.
I kind of miss this :-)

Struggles

The trials of this life just seem to keep coming.
I finally worked enough hours this past pay period to pay my own rent. I can't express how happy that makes me. I feel so dependent on my family still, and with the recent events with my family, I know I need to not depend on them anymore (if they can't tell me what's going on and trust me with being a member of said family, I can't depend on them).
Problem: I finally make enough to pay my rent and suddenly I'm broke, I still need to buy important medications, pay off other bills (including a minimal payment on my delinquent student loan), and pay for the ever-increasing gas refill every so often. I got paid on the 5th...I'm already broke.

There was a certain cd I've been desiring to add to my collection for awhile now and I finally said 'screw it' and tried to buy a copy of it (even though I knew it was SOOOOO unwise to do so). I searched Walmart and Best Buy before finally finding a copy at Target. As I was wandering around I ran into some friends that I haven't seen in awhile. From reading her blog posts I know she's struggling with finances (probably in greater amounts than mine). It was so hard for me not to burst out into tears when we had the casual hello. It's so hard to be honest around someone when you know they're struggling just as much or more.
Everything's fine....except it's not.
I had a cd and a bag of chocolate in my hands that will probably cause some serious financial stress for me down the line. That was only the tip of the iceberg.
I'm kind of really sick of this.
Seriously.
My car is barely working, I am physically ill (been fighting the urge to puke all night...my stomach hasn't been quite right since I had a 24-hr bug on Monday), my shoes are falling apart and I can't afford to buy new ones, my glasses are over 3 years old and so scratched that I can barley see at night and my contacts are a trial pair from over a year ago but how can I afford an eye-doctor appointment PLUS new glasses, PLUS 2 boxes of contact lenses, anyways... I could go on. These aren't the emotional, mental and personal problems. Just the worldly problems....third-world type.

I have a roof over my head.
I may not own my own car, but my parents let me drive around one they own.
I don't pay for my cell-phone bill (thank heavens for family plans!)

I really shouldn't complain...but it's so hard not to.

The only solace I found was in taking a trip to Petsmart and spending too much time in the adoption room that had some adorable cats that I would've taken home in a heartbeat if I could've.

Sometimes I think jumping off a cliff or running away and changing my identity would be the best solution, but I know it's not.

I have to keep telling myself that it will get better.
There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Right???

Crushed

Tonight I am crushed.
Tonight I am without many words.
Tonight I don't know what to do.

I understand that the world is full of people that believe they are gay, transgender, bisexual, etc. It has become increasingly more and more a major part of our daily lives.
I get that.
I honestly don't know what I believe I am yet, so kudos to those people for believing in something. 
I don't agree with it, but that doesn't mean I hate the person for what they believe. I don't hate anyone. I really don't. So, as you read this, please understand where I'm coming from.

My best friend, my 'sister from another mister' tonight sent me a very thoughtful text. I thought she was just being nice. Then she mentioned something my brother had posted on Facebook.

My brother has thrown out hints for a long time now and I was only fearing the day that it would be a reality as opposed to just a suspicion. Well, tonight my suspicions were put to rest and the reality is there.

My brother has 'come out.'

I'm not so surprised by the announcement, but I am deeply crushed by how I found out.

I have been raised to love those around me, even those that are different. And, as far as I know, the only people I'm not a fan of are the ones that I have personality conflicts with, not the people that believe differently. 

What I'm blogging about right now is the crushed feeling that I have because my brother couldn't tell me in person. He had to tag me in a note he made public on Facebook.

Who does that?!

Home?

A few years ago I was able to participate in the Ogden LDS Institute choir show that was titled "Coming Home." We sang dozens of songs about home.
At one point I thought I understood it all. At one point it didn't seem to matter.
Now it does.
Even though we didn't actually sing this particular song, it went through my mind constantly as we took our show on tour during the summer. The song is called "Home is a Special Kind of Feeling." Here are the lyrics:

Home is a special kind of feeling
The feeling of a place where you belong
A feeling that the world is left behind you
Like a shelter from your cares that seems to want you
to be there

Home is that special kind of feeling
The feeling that you've made it all your own
Somewhere which you know is really your place
A place for living, your special place, your home

Home has a welcome kind of feeling
The firelight, and the warmth of hearth and home
A welcome that you know will always cheer you
Like a gentle fond "hello" that seems to touch you with a glow

Home has a quiet kind of feeling
An island when you need to be alone
A haven for the times you spend together
There's nowhere better, no other place like home

The first stanza is the one that I'm really feeling right now.
By this time tomorrow I will be back in Utah. I'm NOT excited. My spontaneous trip to Missouri has been amazing. We had fun, we ate good food and it was overall a great experience. But the part that keeps sticking with me is that it feels like home. I got to drive around town on my own yesterday and it just felt like I belonged. I don't know if my mind was just wanting to feel that way or if it was a true feeling of...inspiration? I feel so at peace here. I feel like I fit in. My family members feel like friends I've had my entire life.
I don't want to leave!
Home IS a feeling. I feel like I belong here. I wish I could stay. :(