Oh Dear...

So, when I walked into my massage class one of my first thoughts was to scan the room to see if there were any attractive men (I'm OBVIOUSLY a single female). There was only one guy that caught my eye.
After about a week while I would walk in he would say "I love you Heather".......
Turns out he's a lot older than he looks, is divorced, has 7 adopted children and....
he's gay
 :-(

That still doesn't stop me for some stupid reason.

I guess you can't control who you feel chemistry for.

I wish I could fall into his arms and be held.

Ahh....why are all the attractive, good guys (despite conflicting lifestyle choices) gay (or married already)???

GRRRRRRRRRR

:)

Reflecting and Looking Forward

Today as I was playing prelude music for Sacrament meeting I played a hymn that has come to have some personal meaning for me throughout the years. Hymn #114 Come Unto Him is my mother's favorite hymn (last I heard at least). So, every time I play it I think of her. Then, a few years ago I had the opportunity to accompany the Ogden LDS Institute Choralaires with that hymn. I loved getting to play it over and over and actually get to do some phrasing with it and so on as opposed to just playing it for congregational singing.
Then, we got word that President Boyd K. Packer was doing a fireside at our institute just for us (not a broadcasted fireside). Naturally the Choralaires got asked to provide the music. Apparently that hymn, "Come Unto Him," is President Packer's favorite hymn.
As time drew near for the fireside I hit a road bump with the situation. The same Sunday we were supposed to sing that hymn for that fireside, me and a few others were also supposed to play a concert with the WSU orchestra (our concerts were always on Sunday nights). The fireside was at 6pm and the concert started at 7:30pm.
We were ALL worried.
President Packer isn't known for his speedy talks (at least in my opinion).
I can't tell you how close I came to asking for the back-up accompanist on that hymn to play and getting out of playing. I'm so glad I didn't.
I honestly can't remember a dang thing Pres. Packer said, but I remember that experience.
We were all praying that the fireside would get out on time and that we would make it to our concert and still have time to warm up and be ready to play.
The fireside finished 15 minutes early. It was amazing.
Everything worked out...miraculously. Seriously. 

So, today as I was playing that hymn that memory and many others came flooding back.

I have been so very lucky in my past.

I got to play the piano and sing for so many things.

I've sung in a choir for General Conference, I've sung in numerous CES Firesides, one of which was one that President Monson spoke at. I even got the chance to accompany the choir during a CES fireside in which Elder D. Todd Christofferson spoke. He came down to meet the choir directors and I got to shake his hand.

I've had the opportunity to meet L. Tom Perry and President Monson in other places.

I have nothing to complain about. Or rather, I shouldn't complain.

I was truly blessed with amazing experiences.

Right now might be ridiculously difficult, but I have to have hope that it is for a good reason and that I will be a better person for it.

I really miss my life from when I was in school in Ogden. Those probably were the best years of my life (at least for now...I sure hope those aren't THE best years...oh man I really hope...).

It's taken me awhile to figure this out, probably too long, but oh well. At least I figured it out before it was too late. I have been blessed and I need to remember that. Things will get better...maybe not today, tomorrow, this week, or even this year, but I am stating now that I have hope that it will get better.

Confession

I don't want to do massage therapy anymore. I'm too exhausted and I don't enjoy it like I enjoy music. :(
The end.

Clinic

Yesterday was a landmark in my schooling experience.
Yesterday I started the student clinic.

Student clinic is an interesting experience.

All of the classrooms have curtain dividers. On Thursday night before leaving class for the week we all get to 'set up for clinic.' For each curtained area we place a desk and a massage table. Saturday morning each classroom becomes a massage spa-like place. (But not really...the building is kind of nasty and not really conducive to relaxing)
My clinic shift started at 12:30 when I got to the building. I checked in, grabbed lotion and 5 face pad covers. I then struggled to figure out what else I was supposed to do. But, I eventually got it. Sort of. After setting up my first table I went and got my first client. She was absolutely delightful. Moans of happiness came out of her and she left me saying she wished she could request me next time (which isn't a possibility unfortunately). I grabbed my next client feeling really excited and glad I had chosen massage therapy. I felt pretty good about life at that moment. My second client requested only posterior work, so I never had to flip him over. It was really nice actually. I got to spend more time on his back and I got to use my Reflexology skills that I haven't used since January (since he requested a foot massage). He left a $4 tip on the table for me. Oh how I wish I could keep it. But, alas, students are not allowed to accept tips of any kind. The money, which I very desperately need, is still in my bag waiting for a new owner. :( I kind of want to cry about that honestly.
After starting on my third client (who slept through most of the massage by the way) I realized I was not doing so well. My back was hurting, A LOT. I was quickly becoming exhausted and running out of any kind of energy. My ankle, (which I rolled almost 2 months ago during the wallet incident) was starting to give out. My fourth client was sweet. She almost flashed me though. I went to take the bolster out from under her ankles and she went ahead and started flipping over. That was fun. :-/ My fifth client requested light work and I was about to rejoice because it was about all I had left in me, but then I started working on him. Light for him was pretty deep. By the time I left the building I was so exhausted I could barely walk.

I had started off strong and excited, but I left feeling so exhausted and not ready to go through that again anytime soon. It was good to see the relaxation and happy looks on their faces when they left, but I personally did not feel a ton of joy. 

I look back and remember the feeling of joy when a piano student improved, when they learned something new, or when I was able to help them in some way. I may have had anxiety attacks before going in to teach each time, but I really miss how I felt afterwards. I miss feeling like I had had a greater influence on someone. I also miss the joy from performing on stage with an amazing orchestra. I miss being a musician. That rush was unlike anything else. Performing a massage is nice, but it's not the same.

I really hope I can finish school so I can at least say I finished and got my license so the past year won't have been an entire waste. But, it's going to take a miracle for that to happen.
I'm so completely exhausted. My body has never hurt this much before. I actually woke up in the middle of the night because I was so uncomfortable and in pain.
I've NEVER felt this exhausted in my entire life.

My job is also driving me nuts and taking every ounce of energy possible. I've almost walked out a couple of times now. I love the people I work with, but it's not worth it to me anymore.

I had hoped to find a job outside of Utah once I graduated, but it's looking like I'm going to need to find a new job now, which means committing to being there for awhile. Most jobs like to hire for long-term (well, most jobs I'd like to apply for at least).

I don't know what to do. I'm starting to get the feeling that I had about medical assisting. When I started working towards becoming a medical assistant I got the feeling that I wouldn't finish.

I've dug myself into too much debt to give up, especially this far into the program. But, honestly, I don't know that I can physically, emotionally, AND mentally make it until December. I really don't.

My How Time Has Flown!

January 1, 2013 seems like years ago.

Since that day I have had 3 different jobs (holding steady on #3, despite my wishing I could have a better-paying job). I don't love the fact that I'm working at Subway (again) as a 28 year old student, but it's a job I can do and I'm not planning on staying there once I graduate (the only thing that's keeping me from applying to a new job is that very fact-once I graduate I am getting my behind out of Utah!)

School has been nothing like what I expected.
NOTHING

It has been a roller coaster of emotions and stress and homework and.....just plain crazy.

So far we have finished our courses in Reflexology, Swedish, Acupressure, and after this week, Russian Sports Massage.

I have miraculously maintained 100% attendance and a 4.0 GPA.

I hope I didn't just jinx that.

When I walked into my first class life was a blur.
I had NO idea what I had gotten myself into.
I looked at the people around me and wondered if I'd ever make any friends or if I'd be the lone one in the corner for the entire year.
After our first week we got to witness a demonstration of a full-body Swedish massage.
I found myself smiling for the first time in a long time.
The months have gotten slower and time has seemed to drag on more and more.

BUT

This past week I was driving home after our carpool group (Yes, I'm in a carpool group...who'd a thunk?!) split for the night and realized this:
My massage class is my family now.
Many people in my massage class have become my friends.
After this week we will be halfway done with the entire program.

That's right.

HALFWAY DONE!!!!

At the end of July we start our clinic rotation.
I'm more than just a little freaked out about that.
I actually have to put everything I've learned into practice.
But, it will be a good (tough) learning experience.

I thought it was never going to end, but hitting this halfway point gives me a little more hope.


As for other things...
I actually have friends in my ward now.
Yesterday 8 of us drove down to the Manti Mormon Miracle Pageant.
I was talking to someone at church today and I was able to name everyone that was in the group.
That moment was kind of surreal.
I'm not a complete stranger in my ward now.

I am amazed at how quickly this halfway point came.
I'm so grateful for it as well.

I sure hope the next half flies by even quicker.

I CANNOT wait to move out of Utah.

Time for some Random

It's been awhile since I've written anything and to be honest, I have so much and nothing to write all at the same time, so my apologies...this will be random. You don't have to read if you don't want to. It's ok.

Let's see.

The most exciting thing that has happened this week is my wallet got stolen.
I had my wallet in my hand sometime around 5-5:30pm when I purchased the best snow cone ever (I kid you not!). When I went to put gas in my empty gas tank after class that night (sometime around 11:00pm) my wallet was gone. I honestly have no recollection whatsoever of where my wallet went after I purchased my snow cone from heaven. By the time I realized my wallet was in the possession of someone other than me or someone that would return it to me, I checked my bank account and found that someone decided to do some damage.
I found that $58.00 had been used at a Maverik gas station in downtown SL. I called my bank (a frustrating experience in and of itself...customer service hotlines for the fail) and cancelled my card. When I got off the phone I discovered that over $160 had been spent at the Walmart in SL as well. My bank account was now in the negative.
I cried. A lot.
The next day I called my bank again and made sure everything was fixed (I'm glad I called again, because the lady I had talked to the night before didn't do everything...). The perpetrator had tried to use my debit card at various ATMs, a McDonald's, a Redbox, and Best Buy online and who knows where else. The trail started in SL, went up to Bountiful and down to Sandy.
I hope they had fun, because whenever they get their karma return, it's going to suck.
I am not the vengeful type of person, but I have never wanted to hurt someone so badly before in my life...at least, not my conscious life (I've had dreams in which I've been very violent, but that's not real...ANYWAYS). My account is in the negative now...over $200. If it hadn't been for a serious miracle I would be out of gas as well. My mom had given me $15 when I went home 2 weekends ago. The money never made it to my wallet. Thank the LORD! I wouldn't've been able to make it to school last night if it hadn't been for that.
The wallet also contained my driver's license and social security card. It's going to be a LONG process of nightmares getting my identity protected and making myself legal to drive again. I also had many restaurant stamp cards that had a lot of value on them...I'm NOT happy about losing those either (it's taken a long time to get them to where they were!)
So, I am struggling right now with a quarter tank of gas that has to last until my money is credited back, or until payday on Friday...I usually go through half a tank in a week.
And, I'm getting all tense writing about this so I'll stop on that topic.
Life really is like a box of chocolates...

Another thing I can write about is school.
School is going for those of you that want to know.
I've finished my 2nd term. 2 down, 3 to go. I'm almost halfway done!
Massage school is NOTHING like I expected.
The more I get into it, the more I wonder what the heck I'm doing.
Part of me loves it and can't wait to graduate and start working.
The rest of me is ready to start applying to other schools.
I started training to become a medical assistant. I want to finish that.
And, here's the big one...
The more and more I think about it, the more I want to go back to a real university and finish that education degree I started almost 10 years ago (only short by a few months...wow...it has really been that long!).
Slight tangent...
I want to teach music still.
Music is in my very core and I am denying who I am by not using, sharing and teaching it.
I think that's the biggest reason I'm struggling with the massage school idea still. It's all good and noble and stuff, but it's not who I am.
The other night I listened to a cd recording of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
When I was younger I would always tease about that choir, but part of me always wanted to be in it.
I'm not a great singer, but there is something in the power of a choir that gives me chills.
When I delivered pizzas up to Weber High School, sometimes I would hear the choir rehearsing in the commons area. I loved it. It always made my day a little better.
What I'm getting at in a round about way is that I want to see if I can pursue becoming a choir director and get my life in order so I can audition to the Mo-Tab Choir. I always thought I wanted to be in the orchestra, but there's something about the choir that tugs at my heart.

Ok, tangent over.
I've learned Swedish Massage, Acupressure, Reflexology and now I'm starting to learn Russian Sports Massage. Up until now I've really only ever experienced Swedish and Deep Tissue massage. Last night in class we did our first hands on of Russian. I got to be a demo body. It was awesome. It was a little awkward getting touched on my bare back and thigh by my instructor I'll admit, but his hands were so steady and soft...wow that almost sounds awkward. Anyways. Experiencing another type of massage by a trained professional was pretty awesome. I really think I'm going to like it. I hope I can be as good as Kory (the instructor)...if I can help someone feel as relaxed as I felt that night (this was last night...not even 24 hours after my wallet nightmare started), it will be worth it.
Oh, and somehow I've still managed to maintain a 4.0. I don't know if that means that I've gotten better at being a student, or if that reflects on the less...whatever-ness of UCMT compared to WSU. Who knows. 

I always thought I would just finish my schooling in December and find a job in Missouri right away.
But, now I'm not sure.
I want to apply to the education program at the U and start taking vocal lessons so I can actually make it into the school. I love playing my clarinet, but I feel anxiety still when I think about playing it. I got to sing in the Ogden LDS Institute choirs for so many years and even the WSU concert choir. I loved it. I really do love singing. I just don't know if my voice is up to par.

Another thing I think I should write about is my past post on my weight situation and my goal to overcoming my depression without medication.
My emotions have been completely out of control as of late. It turns out my brother has now been diagnosed with Bipolar disease. I've always wondered if I have it and his diagnosis just adds another nail to my coffin (so to speak). I stopped going to the gym during finals week and I'm paying for it. I don't feel as happy, and I'm gaining weight again. I was steady at 240 for almost a month. That's a BIG deal. Well, I just checked. It's only been about a week since I last weighed myself and I have gained 10 pounds. I'm really concerned about how quickly I'm gaining weight. I'm gaining more weight and I'm the most negative person I've ever been.
So...
Goals: Go back to the gym. Stop drinking soda at work.

And yet another thing I could talk about is church.
I have not been happy with religion lately. In fact, I've been rather angry with it.
The week before I went to visit my parents (and sort through and pack my stuff there) there was a discussion in Relief Society that almost had me walking out of the building. The topic of dating standards came up and I was sickened by most of the comments. Everyone talked of their 'list' that they have. I have lived a rather lonely life in terms of dating and have learned not to be too selective. I learned a little too late honestly. I've said it before, but my biggest regret is Danny...and Spencer. I had 2 perfectly good men at different points in my life and I threw them away because they didn't completely make my 'list.' I'm done with that list. If I'm lucky enough to get asked out again, unless he's a total creep, I won't deny the possibility. No one is perfect. I have my sins just as everyone does. Who am I to deny potential suitors because they have some imperfections? The comment that bothered me the most was that of the RS president. She made it clear that she won't date anyone unless they do their home teaching.
Seriously???
(funny enough...she got released that day...)
I also struggle with being alone in my ward. I've made a couple of friends, but no close friends and I really don't know if there's potential for there to be any close friendships due to the fact that I can't ever go to church activities and I'm stuck at the organ now during Sacrament meeting.
I've been feeling very hateful about the whole situation. There are good people in there and I'm grateful I have ANY friends at all, but it's not like I had up in Ogden. I miss Ogden. ....I miss Jake...(oi)....
But, the other day I came to a realization that church isn't about socializing (LIGHTBULB!) and it isn't about trying to get a date. I struggle with my faith immensely still and that's what I need to focus on. Church is for worship. The end. Tomorrow I need to figure out how to focus on that. Somehow, I forgot that fact and I need to remember it better.

Anyways.

That's a little bit of my life right now. It's June.
Time to get some sun!

 
 

A Simple Update

About a month ago I posted about wanting to make some drastic changes in my life to make myself happier.
I'd like to update what's been going on as I think it's a good idea to state my progress.
As I have started a new job with fewer hours and not very good pay, I have not been able to afford much. I have run out of what essential oils I did have and haven't had much time to do anything else, but I did go to the local Planet Fitness (which happens to be a block away from where I work) and sign up for the $10 membership.
I have gone there at least twice a week since I signed up now and I can't tell you how much better I feel.
I have found that I am able to get out my frustrations and replace them with the high from the endorphins released. It's hard for me to not stay there all day long.
Today I was able to put the stationary bike on level 10, on random and bike for 45 minutes. Then I went to the treadmill and ran a mile (walked .25, ran 1.0, then walked .25). THEN I hit the weight machines.
I've had a similar routine most days I go.
I love that I can feel my muscles again.
I LOVE that I have more energy.
I LOVE that when I think of getting a Big Mac I get grossed out.
I LOVE that I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

There really is so much truth in the fact that the mind is tied to the physical state of the body.

I knew this before I suppose, but never have I truly believed it.

I haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained any, which is a big deal right now. I had been gaining weight consistently every week.

I LOVE IT! :)