Blog Challenge Day 4

So...it's past midnight, but I'm still awake...it's still technically Sunday...right???? :-)

Your biggest fear as a single person.

My biggest fear, as with anyone else, is that I will never get married and have a family of my own. 

I have always wanted to be a mother. I desperately do not want to be alone for the rest of my life as well. The world is becoming a scary place. Wars, viruses, politics, etc. are common day news now. Not having someone beside you...not having loved ones close by...it's terrifying! 

Who wants to face such a future without someone by their side?

I know I don't. 

This is a rather short response because it speaks for itself. 

Blog Challenge Day 3

I almost forgot to post today. The battery on my laptop decided to explode, so I am confined to my phone until further notice. I've also been sick all day long fighting off a possible flu bug. So, hopefully I can finish this before midnight. 

Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

I don't know that there has been one specific moment where being single has been awesome. 

I find that I am grateful to be single when I hear about my friends going through divorces or dealing with problems with their kids. And then there are the moments when I realize how free I am to do anything I want. 

Feeling the way I do right now I don't think I'll write much more on this unfortunately. I'm not feeling terribly thoughtful. 

Reality

Today I got a text from my mom about my dad. 

Despite the insurance companies turning down the care my dad needs, my mom was able to find hospice care for my dad.  My mom made it known that they now have a hospital bed set up in the living room and he will be receiving care visits 3 times a week now. 

Is this real?!

My dad's health has been failing over the past few years for sure. For those that don't know, he has epilepsy and cerebral palsy. Last summer he suffered from a stroke in his brain stem. He experienced yet another brain stem stroke earlier this year, and has probably been experiencing mini strokes often. I have not visited my father due to various reasons (time being one, being unable to deal with this situation is another...and not having a great relationship with my dad is yet another). But, from what my mom says, it's only a matter of time. Hospice care is kind of the end of the line. 

I don't know how to deal with this. At all. 

I can't believe this is happening to him and to my family. 

I always thought both of my parents would be there for me if I ever got married. I doubt my dad will ever get to hold a grandchild. My 88 year old grandfather will probably outlive his own son. Had my grandmother not succumbed to Alzheimer's she would probably have outlived him as well. She survived colon cancer for crying out loud. 

Anyways. I'm at a loss for what to think, feel, or do now. 

After his first stroke, we as a family realized his time was probably coming soon. When the second stroke hit we all wished it had taken him. He's suffering. My mom is suffering. 

I know life happens...but sometimes nothing can really prepare you for what happens next. 

Blog Challenge Day 2

Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

There have been many times when being single has sucked. But, the most emotional time for me has to have been when I graduated from UCMT this past December.
The entire year leading up to my graduation was a dark time in my life. I went home every night to a dark basement apartment and struggled through each and every day. I started and left 2 jobs in a matter of 3 months and finally settled into the third job at Subway, a place I had sworn never to return to. I made a couple of friends at work and school and I was living in the same house as my aunt and uncle, but despite this, I felt so alone. I was struggling with my faith in a way that can only be described as being in hell. I had foolishly contacted past crushes, and in an effort to spark something, I burned down everything. My heart was broken, I felt like a burden to my family and I was completely miserable. My depression had hit a new low, I was dealing with some other issues I'm not going to talk about here. I had also experienced getting my wallet stolen, an almost broken ankle, car problems, my dad had a stroke (I went to the hospital every night before and after class while he was there). I was in a new city and didn't know that many people and the few people I knew I felt a struggle to really connect with.
Despite all of this, I managed to get to the end of the school year (having only missed 2 hours of class time due to my radiator breaking on me) with 100% attendance (which means I was there every night and had made up the class time I had missed because of my car), a 4.0 GPA and became a member of the "High Five Club" (which means I did the necessary 5 hours of clinic sessions each and every time I was there).

So, I felt that when I got to walk across the stage to receive my awards and my diploma that it would be nice to have someone there for me. However, not only did I not have a significant other, but my family wasn't there. I walked across the stage and only my classmates cheered for me (and even then...it wasn't a loud cheering). I had gone through so much and felt so proud of what I had accomplished and I had no one to share it with. That was truly the WORST time being single sucked. 

The Single Woman 30-Day Blogging Challenge

Probably a year or so ago a friend of mine introduced me to the genius of Mandy Hale. Mandy Hale has a Twitter and Facebook feed as well as a blog and has authored a couple of books as well. Her online persona is called "The Single Woman."

Mandy/The Single Woman is a voice for all single women in the world right now. I purchased her book, "The Single Woman" shortly after finding out who she was, but never really got into the book until last night. I pulled up my Kindle App while on the train to my dance class and started reading. When class was over I pulled it out again. I got so hooked into it that I decided to miss my stop and keep riding (and reading). I knew that if I got in my car and went home I wouldn't read anymore for that night. I ended up riding to the end of the line and back. I was distracted from time to time while reading, but for the most part I just read. It has been a long time since I have been this caught up in a book. Everything she has to say, in the book and on her Twitter and Facebook feeds are so very much needed by me right now.

My dating life is non-existent. Still. 

I thought I had something with someone I met on Tinder a couple of months ago, but I guess I was mistaken (as I always seem to be apparently). I finally opened up to someone new (first time in 3 years) and got slapped in the face. So, this "Single Woman" thing has come into my life at a perfect time. 

I had gotten used to and comfortable with the idea of being single. I had even gotten to the point of having convinced myself that I never wanted to get married.  But, I felt so compelled to get on Tinder, and now I'm having a hard time wanting to get back on the band wagon of being single and happy. I allowed myself to dream again and it really hurts saying goodbye to that dream for now...AGAIN.

So, back to The Single Woman. On her Twitter feed I noticed she had been posting about a 30-day blogging challenge. Before I started reading her book again I had been pondering the idea of sharing my stories in an effort to be a support for others in my situation. So...
 I have decided to start a new blog focusing on my experiences of being single, dating and whatnot. I have titled it "Single and Never Been Kissed."
It's cheesy, I know. But, it's the truth (unless you count my kiss from Danny when we were ridiculously young).

Anyways...

Here's what I posted on the other blog. I want to post my responses to the challenge on both blogs...just because. :) Here goes....

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I came across this challenge yesterday before creating this blog and wanted to participate.
These are the questions for each day.

1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”
2)      Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.
3)      Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.
4)      Your biggest fear as a single person.
5)      The biggest misconception you think people have about single life
6)      Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”
7)      Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point
8)      Five things that are most important to you in a future mate
9)      Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)
10)   Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you
11)   Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date
12)   Your proudest accomplishment
13)   Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship
14)   Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful
15)   Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?
16)   If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?
17)   What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?
18)   If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?
19)   What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?
20)   Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it
21)   How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?
22)   What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?
23)   Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)
24)   If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?
25)   Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?
26)   Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why
27)   Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.
28)   Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.
29)   Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.
30)   Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say

So, without further ado...
1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

I hate this question. Although I've never actually been asked this directly, it has been implied.
Why am I still single?
It's not for lack of doing everything in my power (to the best of my abilities) to not be single. But, obviously it isn't the right time nor am I in the right place. Yes, I'm a little bitter and cynical at times about it, but I'm learning every day to be better and I have grown so much because of the experiences I have had. Looking back, even to just a year ago, I see that I was not ready to be in a relationship and I'm grateful for this time to learn more about myself and to be better prepared for that time when someone else will be in my life.

I Think I'll Write a Book

"The Impossible House"

Chapter 1-

After a long day Amie and Heather sat down to watch some late night television before meandering off to bed. Amie decided she had had enough halfway through an episode of Community. As Amie was walking down the stairs, a sound came from the kitchen. This sound, unlike the crashing of a dish from a poorly stacked dish drainer, was deep and hollow sounding. Kind of like a thud. Heather looked at Amie and Amie looked right back at her. Memories of a prior incident rushed through their minds as they played through various causes of the sound. The last time a loud thud had been heard outside, a stoned citizen had tried to break into their house. Neither of these girls wished to relive that experience. They rushed to the kitchen to try to discover the source of the thud. Amie peered out through the kitchen windows to check on the outside surroundings. Heather decided to take this opportunity to rinse her hands of the salt and special sauce that remained from eating a Big Mac and fries just moments before. As the water drained from the sink basin, a new and unwelcome sound was heard. It was the sound of rushing water. Heather threw open the doors covering the sink's plumbing. Immediately she was drawn to the red bucket of water below. This bucket had been there for quite some time as there had been some faulty repairs on the sink after it had been damaged following a new sink and countertop installation. Heather and Amie's eyes locked in on the red bucket. It was almost full of water, and there was something else in it that did not belong there. The girls' hearts sank as they knew that once again the landlord's son had not finished the work he had started, for the U-pipe was now in the bucket, floating, helpless. 

The sink is, once again, broken. 

One may wonder, is it possible for this sink to find healing and peace? Or will it be forever doomed to live a life of disrepair?

Fear & Counting My Blessings

From time to time we, as human beings, experience fear.
I am a frequenter of this emotion when it comes to flying somewhere or if there is a bee or spider within 1 foot of my personal bubble.
Fear is not a feeling I prefer to experience.
Sometimes I have willingly subjected myself to fear before riding a roller coaster, but that usually pays off with a rush of excitement, screaming and laughing.

As I write this blog, I am not experiencing any of those reactions. I am shaking and can barely breathe. I am exhausted and still very much scared. And, every so often a rush of fear runs over me and I can't function.

This may sound a little over the top, but right now I am counting my blessings that I am alive.

I didn't go to bed until after midnight. When I crawled in bed I was wide awake. I had taken a long nap during the afternoon and hadn't quite felt tired enough to sleep. But, I turned on an episode of Grey's Anatomy on my phone and I tried to sleep. I woke up at the end of the episode. I kind of fell back asleep. Then woke up again at least once.

Then, I was woken up by a knocking sound. I froze up instantly. It was too dark outside and I knew that all but one of us were home (the other I never know if she's home). Getting a knock at the door like that at that time of night is not ok. A minute later I heard my roommate across the hall get out and check. I sort of fell back asleep. I'm not sure how long I was out. It must not have been more than a minute. Then I heard a knock on my bedroom door. Because I was already scared I asked who it was. All I heard was "Heather, get up...someone is trying to get in the house." I grabbed my glasses and we all went downstairs to a bedroom in the basement. My roommate from across the hall was on the phone with 911 by that point.

I learned that a man had been trying to get in our kitchen door as well as front door and that he was just outside on the porch.

We waited for what seemed like an eternity (of course it was probably maybe a maximum of 15 minutes if even) for the doorbell to ring and we were told by the 911 operator that it should be the police. We then all went upstairs and a policeman came inside.

He informed us that he had yelled at the guy on the porch and told him he could go home or her would find a place to take him. I really don't appreciate that he wasn't arrested for trespassing. The policeman informed us that this person was a frequenter in the drug world and that the guy said he was trying to get into his friend's house.

So, we had a semi-conscious drugged lunatic trying to get inside our house in the middle of the night.

Right now, I don't harbor ANY good feelings towards this person that invaded our sense of security. I feel that that person should have some kind of consequence for the nightmare he put me and my roommates through. I barely slept at all. I don't think any of us slept well.

A few years ago in my Intro to Fiction class I was required to read "In Cold Blood." (The book written by Truman Capote in the style of a novel, but based on actual events about a family that was invaded and murdered in their sleep in the middle of the night.) Needless to say, again, I am counting my blessings right now.