My life as it should have been...

So, I have a dear friend that got her mission call today. I'm so happy for her. I truly am. It will be the best thing she goes through (untill she gets married and has a family...or so I've heard). At the same time though, I am feeling unrested in my soul and mind. When I was planning on what school to go to, I always thought it would be cool to go to a junior college (most likely Snow), go on a mission and transfer to BYU. It was an ideal idea. Thing didn't work out that way. I ended up going to Weber State. Before I turned 21 I took a couple of mission prep classes at institute. I really did intend to go on a mission. I had this strange feeling that I needed to go. But, I also felt like it wouldn't happen. I could never figure out if that was just me freaking out, or what. But, I kept moving towards the idea of going. In the fall, in my mission prep class...taught by Bro. Simon, only this time it was a substitute...I was sitting there and I had a VERY strong impression that I needed to go as soon as possible. This meant leaving school after the fall semester and missing my junior recital and a band trip to washington dc. I went to my next class (Chorale) crying. I felt so strongly that it was what I needed to do. But, I already had commitments that I really didn't want to get out of. I confided in my dear friend, Jaron, about this. He and I sat next to each other in the accompanists' section. He was so comforting at that time. I'll never forget his kindness to me that night. Well. I didn't do what I felt so strongly about. How could I? I have never acted on something quite like that before. Anyways. I went through the following semester with not too many problems. And, when it came time, I told Dr. Root that I would be going on a mission and that I would not be there the next school year. It was an interesting feeling I got that compelled me to tell him. I don't even think I can describe it. So, I went home for the summer, got a job and started working on my papers. Things were fine. I was anxious and nervous, but I went to work with a happy spirit because I was working for a greater purpose (to save up for th mission). As the month went by, the papers were not finished. I had set a goal with my bishop to have them done and in by June so I coule possibly leave by August. Things moved slowly. As time went on, I got more anxious and started having panic attacks at work. I could barely breath. It was terrible. Then, once the fall semester started and I still didn't have my papers in, I got really stressed out. I had the worst struggles I've ever had (up to that point at least). In October or November, I had all of the papers finished and had turned them into the Bishop. But, I was developing a problem with my stomach. I guess it was my nerves...I don't know still. But, I would wake up every morning feeling like I was going to throw up. It was terrible. The feeling usually lasted until at least noon. I could barely get myself to eat. After a month of this, I went to my doctor and asked for help. He started asking me some random questions that had nothing to do with my stomach problems (I thought I had an ulcer...still do, actually) and after I started crying, he told me that the problem was Irritable Bowel Syndrome, caused by low seretonin levels. I was grateful he didn't come out with the word 'depression' right away. But, it still doesn't seem to make much sense. He started me on an anti-acid medication and an anti-depressant. He told me that it would be at least 3 months before I could leave for a mission with these new medications (to make sure they were working and so on). So, I decided that I could get in another semester of school in 3 months. So, I called up Dr. Root one morning and asked if I could come back. He was so glad to hear that I wanted to come back. I was glad to be returning. I can't say how wonderful that first day back was. It was HEAVEN! I saw my friends, I got to play my clarinet again (with a purpose) and I was learning again. But, I was still sick. I struggled through that semester like no other. I had never failed a class (and still haven't technically....but to me, failing up at Weber is getting a C- or lower, since it won't count towards graduation), but I got a C- in one class. Life has not been easy since I came back. It has been one thing after another. To say the least, my testimony has been torn to shreds. The foundation has been pounded on and shaken to its very core. Only a couple weeks ago I seriously considered choosing not to believe anymore. It has been a nightmare of universal proportions (to me at least). Anyways. Last week I got a call that has made me realize how dumb I've been in my doubts. Everyone is free to doubt, but why doubt something you know? It doesn't make sense to me. It really doesn't. This past Friday my cat was put to sleep. She had been one of my main sources of comfort in this hell that I've been going through lately. I am still not fully over the idea that she is dead. I guess I've just blocked out the thought for now. Anyways. On Sunday was a Choralaire Sunday. I really didn't want to go. I just wanted to stay home and cry. But, I went. I'm so glad I went. I haven't felt the spirit like that in a LONG time. I was wounded on the inside, but the warmth I felt cannot be denied. The first song we sang was "All Things Bright and Beautiful". I had to hold back tears the entire time. All I could think about was my cat. Then we sang "God is Love" (I think). The line that says "Of the breeze and of the bird"...made me think of my cat as well. I had a hard time not feeling angry towards God for taking away my cat. She was what I considered an expression of His love to me in my life. And now she was gone. But, as the meeting progressed, along with Bro. Simon continually telling us to smile, and the talks that were given, I felt warm inside. I felt comforted. No one really knew what I was going through and I wanted it that way, since I knew I would cry if I talked about it. It was definately a hard say for me. But, once again, I felt so peaceful. The music was so powerful. The songs "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" and "Rock of Ages" have been personal favorites of mine since I heard them sung in the last institute spring show (Rock of Ages is why I auditioned for Choralaires...but that's another story). Anyways. I just can't express how wonderful it was to me to hear those songs at that time. In another odd twist, the building that we sang at first was almost identical to my home ward. It was a little weird for me. And then a friend of mine collapsed into my arms before the meeting. I've had to catch my dad like that before at home. It was all a little too parallel-ish to me. Anyways. The whole purpose of this blog is to state that I am now feeling some regret for not going on a mission. I think I may be on the right path again. It is going to be a long road. But, as I'm seeing the light again, I'm seeing the possibility of going on a mission again. I don't know if it's because my friend is going, if it's because of all of these people getting engaged (that just makes me sick), if it's because I'm coming to a crossroad in my life in the next year or what. I may just be feeling this way because I'm jealous. It've very possible. There are many outside reasons I should serve a mission. I can put a lot of pressure on myself about those things. But, in the end, I think I may try it again. I don't know what will come of this. I really don't. But, I think I need to not neglect this idea. I would really love to serve a humanitarian mission. I really would. But, we'll see I guess.