Updates...

Last time I tried to get onto Blogger my internet browser would close down every time I logged in. Thank heavens it's not doing that today. I have a lot on my mind and I'm not sure if I'll get it all out or make much sense in the process.

The past 2 years have been a living hell to be sure. There were days when I would be driving to work and almost prayed that I would get hit (except I was struggling with my faith so I didn't see the use of praying). The past 2 years have been a literal prison. I had graduated from college. I had done the right things. I was a good person for the most part (I'm not perfect mind you, but I haven't killed anyone, I haven't robbed anyone, and I try to be as honest as possible). I did what I was supposed to and I was not where I wanted to be. Not even close.
Here's a semi-quick review of everything that's been going on. I don't mean to be repetitive in my posts, but I think it helps to paint the bigger picture.

August 2010
I got a job at 5 Buck (out of desperation for employment...they lied when they said a Bachelor's degree was good for something, thank you crappy economy).
Then my Grandmother died.
I started questioning my faith.
March 2011
I went to Chicago for a band trip (had the most embarrassing concert experience of my life).
Decided I never wanted to play my clarinet again.
Went to Columbia, MO to visit family.
Saw my family in Missouri that I hadn't seen in years.
Realized how happy I was there and how unhappy I was in Ogden.
Came back to Utah (Crying the whole way home almost...I think I had the security guard at the St. Louis airport fairly concerned)
The Bishop from my years in high school (and my high school guidance counselor) passed away.
I really questioned my faith.
Summer came.
My life got darker and darker.
Tried to get work anywhere but where I was at.
Failed.
January 2012
The new year came.
I was alone. (Nothing like filling out paperwork, by yourself and feeling completely abandoned, as you see the clock change over)
March 2012
Started a medical assisting program.
Got told 5 Buck was going to close in June.
Withdrew from medical assisting program.
Worked out a plan to move to Missouri in the summer after the store closed.
Failed.
Job did not end (3 days before it was supposed to).
Tried again to escape to Missouri.
Failed.
Got promoted.
Took 3 week vacation back to Chicago and Columbia. (Loved EVERY second of it!)
August 2012
Came home
Gave up.
Started trying to enjoy life for once.
Faith returned, slowly.
Even started flirting with the guy I've had a crush on for years. (We're actually friends!)
Realized how lucky I was and started to feel ok with everything. (I wasn't making any big strides, but I was surviving)
Found out, via Facebook note, my brother had come out as transgender.
November 2012
Got notice that more financial hardships were going to go into effect. (Enough that things were impossible)
Realized something had to change.
Went online and looked up UCMT on a whim (well, it was more than a whim I guess...but that's another story for another time) and hit send on the "Request Info" button.
Toured UCMT the following day.
Next week enrolled at UCMT (Going into more debt to hopefully better pay off current debt...yay??).
Talked to Aunt about staying at her house in their basement while I took classes.
Started sending out resumes.
Had some serious family drama that involved my brother getting arrested.
Had first Thanksgiving without parents or brother.
Started getting multiple job interviews. (A first for me)
Got job offer at Summit Academy as a cook in the school cafeteria.
Put in notice at 5 Buck.
I'm supposed to be checked out of my apartment in 11 days.
School starts the 7th of January.

Needless to say, it's been a whirlwind, roller coaster, nightmare of a time.

I had prayed and prayed for change. I finally got it when I had given up and gotten comfortable.

I've heard so many people tell stories with this basic undertone.
I never thought I would be one of those people.
I'm not the one that normal things happen to.

My faith has been torn down and ripped to shreds. But, I have found that as it has started afresh, I have learned and gained so much more. I still have many questions that need answering, but I will say that I have faith in God. I don't think that I would be where I am without Him. I know that I would be a total bundle of nerves without the peace I feel. My prayers have been answered in miraculous ways.

I'm scared out of my mind as to what the future holds. Sometimes I even wonder if there really is a future...the world IS supposed to end this Friday ;-).

I will most likely have to give up playing at the dance studio and probably also leave the orchestra I'm part of here in Ogden. Those 2 things were my saving graces during those dark years. But, I think it's ok to move on. Someone else can be blessed with the opportunities I've been so blessed with.

I have learned so much and I hope that I can continue to learn more.
 

Whirlwind

Today was a major milestone in a whirlwind of crazy that started about 3 weeks ago.
3 weeks ago, on a whim, I requested info on the Utah College of Massage Therapy. I had requested info from them in the past a few years ago while I was still pursuing my music degree. I figured I couldn't afford it and that it was just not the right thing/time for me.
So, it came as a shock when not even five minutes after hitting the 'Submit Request' button on their website I got a call from their office. It was later in the evening and I was very surprised they responded so quickly. I signed up to come down the following day to take a tour and see what it was all about.
I walked out with papers in hand and a billion different ideas careening through my mind. When I got home (after driving 40mph on I-15 all the way due to the first major snow storm we've seen this winter) I immediately filled out the FAFSA (something I hadn't done in years and was surprised at how easy and quick it is now). The following Tuesday I drove down again to meet with the financial aid representative. I found out that I could receive some financial aid. It's not enough (not 100% enough at least), but it's 75% enough, so, with a decent part-time job, I figured out that I could afford to go.
Reality check!
Massage therapy school?! Really??? Is this really the right thing to do???
Everyone says pray about it.
I believe this is a result of the prayers before this all happened. But, I'm still on edge about some things.

Whatever the situation turns into though, I do know that I'm moving forward with the intention of starting classes in January. So....

The major milestone I hit today was this:
I paid my last rent check to my landlord today and gave notice that I will be moving out at the end of December.
That's right folks! I'm moving!!!
And, I'm not just moving out of my ghetto cave, I'm leaving Ogden!
Whaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!

Other than living at home during the summers between semesters, Ogden has been my home now for almost 10 years. That's right. I moved here in the fall of 2003. (Ok, so it's more like 9 years ago...but 10 just sounds more significant)

I have been trying for the past 2 years now to find a job anywhere else but here. I have applied to countless jobs and planned multiple escape plans. But, nothing had worked out. So, over the past few months I've given up and found that I was rather content with life. It wasn't grand and there were a ton of things I wished were different, but I was ok. I had found peace and contentment with my situation. I was beginning to make closer friends in my ward. I was really starting to feel ok with my job (shocker, I know!). I'm even second in command now. I was ok and not in any hurry to change.

Well...

I guess it's just not meant to be. I will never be able to be content and lazy :)

As long as everything goes according to plans (ha ha...like that ever happens), I will be moving into my Aunt and Uncle's basement in Murray at the end of December.

I've applied to many jobs and already had a couple of interviews with at least another one in a couple of weeks.

I can't believe this is happening.
It has literally been a whirlwind.
My head is spinning from the craziness of it all and my stomach is in constant knots due to the anxiety over the changes (apparently I don't adapt well to change).
But, I'm excited to start a new chapter of my life. Life is short. It really is. I can't waste it here in an apartment meant for Weber State students, working at a pizza place, and with no hope of ever breaking free of my debts (student loans are of the devil!).

I just hope that when this whirlwind calms down I can land on my feet and that I don't do a complete face-plant (or worse).

A Story of Mine

On Wednesday I was driving to Brigham City and decided to pull out an old cd I had 'made' (I called it Happy Music) back in high school. At the end I had added some instrumental pieces. Most were pieces I had played at All-State Band or at an honor band I had done at the U. As those pieces came on a flood of memories came back.
While I was at work yesterday morning (all by myself) those same memories had time to come back and in greater detail. I want to dive further into those again now, because I think it is very significant to my life.

I learned to play the clarinet because I could. I had no serious ambitions. I never practiced. I really didn't care. I just showed up each day and thought life was fine.
Then, some of my mom's piano students, Jon and Missy Morgan and their friend Rene Morse, talked about doing this All-State band at their lessons. I don't know why I felt I had to, but I know I felt a certain pull to it and had to be a part of it. So, my sophomore year of high school I talked to my band director and got the list of what I needed to do to audition (or maybe my mom did...certain details are fuzzy...it has been over 10 years since this happened).
Did I practice...of course not. (Man was I an idiot!)
In order to record my audition I had to use the machine in the high school band room since we did not possess any recording materials. So, my band director sat in his office while I struggled through the audition materials.
Later my mom told me that he had talked to her, not believing I would make the band, and told her that he had paid the $45 to get me into the All-State Choir since he was so doubtful.
I remember this next moment vividly.
I was staying with Rene and Missy at Missy's sister's apartment in Provo. We were there for the Summerfest camp at BYU. My mom and I ended up talking on the phone and she told me of opening my acceptance letter into the All-State Band.
There was much rejoicing on my part. And...lots of 'in your face' thoughts towards my band director. I still don't think I've fully forgiven him for doing that to me. I understand that he didn't want me to feel left out, but going to such lengths to prove it...it still hurts.
Not only did I get in, I wasn't last chair. Funny side story-I ended up sitting next to an awesome girl named Lynlee...she and I ended up sitting next to each other in band later on at WSU. 
I loved that experience so much that I did it again the following year.
I also got involved in the honor bands at the U.
By the time I was a senior in high school I was convinced I wanted to be a band director. I had learned so much in those other bands that it had to be a part of my life forever. So, through another round of crazy events, I ended up at Weber State University majoring in music education.
My clarinet teacher was a good musician, but did not really push me that much. I credit any real improvements I made to other teachers, other players around me and other outside forces.
Anyways...
The cherry on top to this frustrating experience in high school with my doubtful band director came when I auditioned for the Utah Intercollegiate Band. I think it was my second time doing it. It was at SUU in Cedar City. I killed my audition. (I know...I'm not terribly humble about this one)
I got 5th chair.
I finally got to sit with the 1st part clarinets.

Eventually I ended up being the section leader and 1st chair clarinet at WSU for a couple of years. I also got to be the principal clarinet in the orchestra for a couple of years.

I really can't explain how I feel as I look back on where I started and the years in-between then and now.
I have truly been blessed, despite the doubt of others and even myself at times.

Noise

I grew up in a very small, very remote town in the middle of the dessert. The loudest noise there was never much. Maybe a group of teenagers walking by, a car driving by, or, at most, the rare siren was all that was ever heard. I remember waking up one morning thinking that the owl hooting outside was almost too loud-I believe it actually woke me up. When the power went out-a very common occurrence-it got so incredibly silent. I absolutely LOVED it when the power went out. The power generator for the grocery store was all that could be heard.
I miss those days.
I currently live on a main road that is only a few blocks away from both a fire station and the hospital. Not a day goes by that at least 2-3 different sirens can be heard screaming by. Every time I hear a siren I feel a small brush of anxiety inside.
I also live in an apartment building that is such that I can hear the dogs and cats clearly outside my bedroom window. The tenants upstairs are loud enough I sometimes fear that the ceiling will fall down on me. The tenants across the outside hallway scream a lot. And they slam the door a lot as well. I can also hear noise from beneath me where many cars are parked.
I always thought that I'd like to live in the city, but now I know without a shadow of a doubt, I need silence. I long for the day when I can live in a house that is not connected to anyone elses.
I long for silence.
Oh, how I long for peace and quiet!

Can you say: Stuck?

I have discovered a rather humorous, or disturbing depending on how you look at it, pattern in my life. In the spring I got word that I was going to lose my job. I contacted family in Missouri and had a plan to move out there and find a new life there. A week before we closed, we didn't close. I decided that I still wanted to move to Missouri. The next week I got a promotion.
Ever since our store didn't close it has felt like we were on the half of the Titanic that was left bobbing on top of the ocean just waiting to sink. So, once again I got things moving.
I finally got my diploma-oh Weber State how you never cease to amaze me with your problems. I turned my focus to looking at grad school. Just as I started looking seriously at a certain school/program-in Missouri- and thinking about taking the GRE, our business just got a possible boost that could potentially keep us open for a long time.
I told my boss my theory the other day and he got a kick out of it. I should just keep trying to move to Missouri. It's really doing good things for the store.
So yeah, I guess I'm stuck here for a reason. I can't seem to get out.

Untitled Jibber-Jabber

So, I've been lying in bed for about 3 hours trying to convince myself that I'm tired. But, every time I have a moment to think, I think about going into work tomorrow.  Then I think about how someone I have a crush on told me he's possibly going to stop by tomorrow. Then I have to fight the urge to let out a massive giddy scream since it's past midnight. I'm wide awake. Sleep may not come easily tonight. I have a 13 1/2 hour shift tomorrow. I really need to sleep. But gosh dang it!!! I'm so twitterpated that there's little hope of passing out anytime soon.
I kind of miss this :-)

Struggles

The trials of this life just seem to keep coming.
I finally worked enough hours this past pay period to pay my own rent. I can't express how happy that makes me. I feel so dependent on my family still, and with the recent events with my family, I know I need to not depend on them anymore (if they can't tell me what's going on and trust me with being a member of said family, I can't depend on them).
Problem: I finally make enough to pay my rent and suddenly I'm broke, I still need to buy important medications, pay off other bills (including a minimal payment on my delinquent student loan), and pay for the ever-increasing gas refill every so often. I got paid on the 5th...I'm already broke.

There was a certain cd I've been desiring to add to my collection for awhile now and I finally said 'screw it' and tried to buy a copy of it (even though I knew it was SOOOOO unwise to do so). I searched Walmart and Best Buy before finally finding a copy at Target. As I was wandering around I ran into some friends that I haven't seen in awhile. From reading her blog posts I know she's struggling with finances (probably in greater amounts than mine). It was so hard for me not to burst out into tears when we had the casual hello. It's so hard to be honest around someone when you know they're struggling just as much or more.
Everything's fine....except it's not.
I had a cd and a bag of chocolate in my hands that will probably cause some serious financial stress for me down the line. That was only the tip of the iceberg.
I'm kind of really sick of this.
Seriously.
My car is barely working, I am physically ill (been fighting the urge to puke all night...my stomach hasn't been quite right since I had a 24-hr bug on Monday), my shoes are falling apart and I can't afford to buy new ones, my glasses are over 3 years old and so scratched that I can barley see at night and my contacts are a trial pair from over a year ago but how can I afford an eye-doctor appointment PLUS new glasses, PLUS 2 boxes of contact lenses, anyways... I could go on. These aren't the emotional, mental and personal problems. Just the worldly problems....third-world type.

I have a roof over my head.
I may not own my own car, but my parents let me drive around one they own.
I don't pay for my cell-phone bill (thank heavens for family plans!)

I really shouldn't complain...but it's so hard not to.

The only solace I found was in taking a trip to Petsmart and spending too much time in the adoption room that had some adorable cats that I would've taken home in a heartbeat if I could've.

Sometimes I think jumping off a cliff or running away and changing my identity would be the best solution, but I know it's not.

I have to keep telling myself that it will get better.
There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Right???

Crushed

Tonight I am crushed.
Tonight I am without many words.
Tonight I don't know what to do.

I understand that the world is full of people that believe they are gay, transgender, bisexual, etc. It has become increasingly more and more a major part of our daily lives.
I get that.
I honestly don't know what I believe I am yet, so kudos to those people for believing in something. 
I don't agree with it, but that doesn't mean I hate the person for what they believe. I don't hate anyone. I really don't. So, as you read this, please understand where I'm coming from.

My best friend, my 'sister from another mister' tonight sent me a very thoughtful text. I thought she was just being nice. Then she mentioned something my brother had posted on Facebook.

My brother has thrown out hints for a long time now and I was only fearing the day that it would be a reality as opposed to just a suspicion. Well, tonight my suspicions were put to rest and the reality is there.

My brother has 'come out.'

I'm not so surprised by the announcement, but I am deeply crushed by how I found out.

I have been raised to love those around me, even those that are different. And, as far as I know, the only people I'm not a fan of are the ones that I have personality conflicts with, not the people that believe differently. 

What I'm blogging about right now is the crushed feeling that I have because my brother couldn't tell me in person. He had to tag me in a note he made public on Facebook.

Who does that?!

Home?

A few years ago I was able to participate in the Ogden LDS Institute choir show that was titled "Coming Home." We sang dozens of songs about home.
At one point I thought I understood it all. At one point it didn't seem to matter.
Now it does.
Even though we didn't actually sing this particular song, it went through my mind constantly as we took our show on tour during the summer. The song is called "Home is a Special Kind of Feeling." Here are the lyrics:

Home is a special kind of feeling
The feeling of a place where you belong
A feeling that the world is left behind you
Like a shelter from your cares that seems to want you
to be there

Home is that special kind of feeling
The feeling that you've made it all your own
Somewhere which you know is really your place
A place for living, your special place, your home

Home has a welcome kind of feeling
The firelight, and the warmth of hearth and home
A welcome that you know will always cheer you
Like a gentle fond "hello" that seems to touch you with a glow

Home has a quiet kind of feeling
An island when you need to be alone
A haven for the times you spend together
There's nowhere better, no other place like home

The first stanza is the one that I'm really feeling right now.
By this time tomorrow I will be back in Utah. I'm NOT excited. My spontaneous trip to Missouri has been amazing. We had fun, we ate good food and it was overall a great experience. But the part that keeps sticking with me is that it feels like home. I got to drive around town on my own yesterday and it just felt like I belonged. I don't know if my mind was just wanting to feel that way or if it was a true feeling of...inspiration? I feel so at peace here. I feel like I fit in. My family members feel like friends I've had my entire life.
I don't want to leave!
Home IS a feeling. I feel like I belong here. I wish I could stay. :(

Random and Spontaneous Happiness!

The roller coaster that is my life hit another big turn this past week. I think this is the part of the ride where I realize that it's not all that scary and is actually really fun. Addicting almost.
Recap:
I got told I was going to lose my job at the beginning of June.
I planned on moving out to Missouri to be with my family.
Got told I wasn't losing my job 3 days before we were supposed to close.
Still decided to move.
Got a promotion/raise the following day.

When I got told I'd be getting promoted with a pay raise I realized that I needed to stick around a little bit longer. Our school lunch program starts up at the end of August and apparently my boss is counting on me for that.
This past Sunday I had another talk with my mom (I love her to death and don't know what I would do without her, honestly!). I came up with the idea of just going to visit for awhile to see how much I really want to move out there, as well as to just get away from here. My mom agreed that it was a good idea.
I talked to my aunts about coming to stay in August and they mentioned that they were going to be in Chicago from July 19th-22nd and that it would be cool if I could go with them. I couldn't pass up that opportunity, so, a week ago a train ticket was purchased (I avoid flying if at all possible) and I'm planning on embarking on my new adventure in less than 40 hours. It has been hectic beyond all reason planning this in less than a week. It was a miracle I even got work worked out.
Tuesday night after I get off work at 10, I'm going to take the Frontrunner to the Salt Lake Amtrak station and wait, who knows how long, for the train to arrive (it's scheduled for 3:30am, but the trains have been at least an hour late this week). So, Tuesday night going into early Wednesday morning is going to be interesting.The train ride will be long, too. It's supposed to leave at 3:30am and get into Chicago the following day at 2:50pm (almost 35 hours) But, I can't wait. I'll get to see the country and won't have to deal with driving or my flying anxiety.
The best part though, is that I get to go back to Chicago for a few days, and spend it with 3 amazing people. I'm way excited about Missouri as well, but I cannot for the life of me calm down about the Chicago part. I LOVE that city! :-D
I'll try to take as many pictures as possible and possibly do a trip blog post. I'm way excited about the scenery that I'll get to pass through on my long train ride. Hopefully I won't fill up my memory card on just that part of the trip :)

Here's to spontaneity!!!
Did I mention I'm excited?! ;)

And the roller coaster continues...

It is way too late for me to be getting into this right now, but I have to do some methodical writing to clear my mind. I doubt I'll be able to sleep anyways. (yay for the ac not working in my apartment-seriously considering packing my room full of ice)
A year ago I got to visit my family in Missouri. I was the happiest person I could be when I was there. I felt so at home. I felt like I belonged. So, ever since March of last year I have been trying to find a way out there. First I tried applying to jobs out there. Then, after no success, I asked my aunt if I could move in with her and use that as a starting point for starting a new life out there. Unfortunately she was having some serious marital problems and was unable to help me out. So, I had already been thinking about going back to school in order to find a career I could support myself with. So, I pursued going into medical assisting. That process took way too long, but eventually (after about 5 months) I was able to enroll and take classes. After 3 months of doing extremely well in my classes I hit a couple of roadblocks. First of all, the main textbook I was using was indescribably difficult to get through. The workbook does not do a good job of matching up with the text. Then, about a month ago I was informed that it was more than likely that I would lose my job. Immediately I saw this as my opportunity to pack up and go on an adventure (of sorts). When I was told for sure that I was going to lose my job, I dropped out of school and called my other aunt and asked her the same huge favor I had asked the previous one. Everyone out there has been wonderful about making me feel wanted out there. I can't express how badly I want to go out there. But, every time I choose a path that would take me there, I get blocked. Just as I was starting to feel at peace about losing my job and moving to Missouri, the news came that I might not lose my job after all. When I was completely at peace, happy and even excited about moving out there, I got news that I was indeed not losing my job. This news came on Wednesday. Thankfully I was able to scream out my frustrations at Lagoon that day. I now have a deep love of roller coasters. After thinking about it and even talking to my mom about it in depth last night (yes, just last night) I decided that I would still try to make the move when my lease is up on my apartment in August. Once again, I felt pretty peaceful about it.
Then today happened.
It's not s deal breaker, but it really makes me wonder.
My boss approached me, told me that the assistant manager is leaving, and although there won't be an actual assistant manager now, he and the owner thought it would be good to have a couple of shift managers. He asked if I would be interested. It comes with a pay increase and a better resume status. Of course I said yes (I would be an idiot to turn that down).
But, now what do I do???
Every time I turn my head to the east I feel happy and excited, but almost immediately afterwards I get sucked even deeper into what I now call the black hole that is Ogden.
I'm so thoroughly confused as to what direction I should go that it's not even funny.
I'm also thoroughly convinced that God has a sick, twisted sense of humor. I probably look like a mouse stuck in a maze going around in circles getting closer to the exit and at the same time getting pulled away from it.
It would be so nice if someone could just tell me what to do.
Seriously.
The end...for now.

Isn't it funny?

I've always heard the story of people coming to a spot in their lives where they are completely comfortable with how things are going. And, then the next day everything changes.
Well folks...I am now one of those.
I didn't even realize it, but I have come to terms with where my life is and I was pretty ok with it. My financial situation isn't great, but I have a job, and I have a roof over my head. I have a good roommate. I have good friends. I am back in school and doing well. I'm all in all fairly content with my life right now. I didn't realize it until it was too late though.
As of Monday, June 4th, I am now looking for a new job. The place I work at, 5 Buck Pizza, has been struggling to stay afloat for a long time and the owner has finally decided to let it go. The lease on our building is up at the end of the month, so we will be closing at that time. I do not know exactly when my last day will be, but I know it is coming whether I want it to or not. I've already said goodbye to a coworker that I've thoroughly enjoyed working with. It's all a little surreal. A few months ago I was trying to get a new job because I felt like I deserved better. I was finally more than ok with my situation...and now I HAVE to find something new.
The irony of life never ceases to amaze me.

My Wish

I've been without internet for a couple of weeks and it feels like it's been years since I've written a blog. So, with that, I feel like I need to express some thoughts right now about what's going on in my life.

A year ago I was suffering from very severe back pain. I could barely get out of bed in the morning and it was test and trial to go to work every day to lift huge batches of dough and big bags of 10 pizzas and so on. I honestly thought I was going to need back surgery or I'd end up with chronic pain for the rest of my life. I never got a diagnosis on the actual problems since I don't have medical insurance and couldn't afford more than one trip to an insta-care for some very necessary pain killers (that ended up making me so sick that I had to stop taking them...unfortunately it was the only thing that helped). I'm fairly certain I had a ruptured disk in my upper and possibly lower back as well. My upper back pain came on suddenly one night while in an orchestra rehearsal. My lower back 'went out' 2 weeks later while at work. I've had problems with my disks before way back when I did tumbling in jr. high school (too many back bends??). I was constantly taking pain killers and trying everything I could find online to help. Heat, cold, stretches...you name it. I even tried a chiropractor. Nothing helped. I felt completely trapped. After months of this I finally resigned myself to the fact that I would never be able to do anything super fun anymore. I had done some modern dance at WSU for a couple of semesters in the past and I also enjoyed going country dancing every once and awhile, but was not able to tolerate the pain at all and lost all hope of ever enjoying those things again. 

Then, one day, miraculously my lower back started getting better. My aunt had had some similar back problems and had shown me some strengthening exercises. I had also discovered a ball method of pain relief that I ordered online that seemed to help slightly. I finally got to the point where, with some manipulation, I could at least turn around in my car to see out the back window to back out of a parking spot (it was that bad). Thankfully things kept improving. But, to no avail, there was only one cure for my upper back and it only lasted for a few hours. I discovered a Pilates video on Netflix. There was one stretch that just seemed to get the screaming nerves to calm down for a little while. (just so you know, the pain felt like I was getting stabbed in the back constantly while every muscle that could, would tighten up) 

(slight tangent-I promise it's important)

The first 2 weeks of August have now come to mean so much to me. I was able to travel to Missouri with my parents to visit my mother's family. I love them so dearly. I had had a chance to visit them briefly in March (for the first time in probably 10 years or so), but this time was so much better. We spent 2 weeks total, driving there, staying there, and driving back. I got to spend time with my cousins that I barely know. I found out that even though I don't have any real sisters, my mom's sisters are just as much mine as hers. 

I slept the entire time there on my aunt's couch. I don't know that I slept very well that entire trip (yay for humidity and sleeping on a couch for too long), but something happened...I really don't know what. When we got to our hotel in Nebraska on the way back home I went to bed feeling sick and thought life was just getting even more 'peachy.' I woke up the next morning not feeling sick anymore, and my upper back pain was almost completely gone. It was a complete miracle! I didn't dare say anything because I didn't want to jinx it. The next day it was just about the same. After a week of barely any pain I got really excited. I was able to move again!

A little back story on this next part...

Last year (before the pain started) I had the opportunity to accompany not just the Ogden classes, but the Bountiful classes as well (and by classes, I mean the Virginia Tanner Creative Dance Program). The teacher (Liz) and I had many a conversation after classes got out. At one time I told her how I had taken some dance in the past and was wanting to do it again. She mentioned to me that there was an adult class in Salt Lake and that I should go. Since my schedule was really hectic at that time I decided against going. But, I had the idea to give it a try the following year. So, with that...back to my story... :)

With just a week before all the dance classes started up again I realized that I could move again and that it might actually be ok to take this dance class. I missed the first week since I had to work (or something...not sure I remember). I showed up the next week not knowing what to expect. I was seriously overweight, out of shape and hadn't done any real dancing in about 2 years. I met Miss Anne. She was so gracious and welcoming. I don't know that I would've stayed had it not been for her sincere acceptance of my desire and not my physical appearance. 

For awhile I felt anxiety before leaving for each rehearsal. I wondered what I was doing to myself. I gained so much weight after I graduated from WSU. My back was still slightly trying to warn me to be careful and I just didn't know if it was a good idea to do it. I was very self-conscious and wondered if I'd ever fit in.

Fast forward to now.

Tomorrow is the annual performance at Kingsbury Hall. Last year I got to accompany the 2 Bountiful classes while they danced, but other than that, I have had no real experience with these shows (other than doing what I can to help out while my Ogden dancers have prepared).

Tomorrow I actually get to dance, on stage.

Tomorrow, I get to be someone I think I've always wanted to be. 

As a child I remember many a time listening to music and creating dances to it in my mind. (not that I really knew what I was doing...) I always feel the music I listen to and want to move with it. If you watch my senior clarinet recital video it's tiring watching how much I move. I think I've really been dancing my entire life...just without any real clue though. :) I don't think I ever really understood what dance was all about. I grew up on a small military base that lacked in many normal activities that most children get to experience. I was lucky to be able to do tumbling when I did. I only knew that my 2 cousins danced and that was about it...I was really in a little bubble back then. 

So, even though I'm still nowhere near the ideal dancer I'd like to be...I'm still able to be a part of this performance tomorrow. There is so much more I could say right now, but it's getting late and I have to be up and on the road by 7:30am (yikes!).  

My life has been blessed exponentially since I was offered the opportunity to accompany the Ogden studio classes 4 years ago. The teachers I've been able to work with, the children I get to watch every week, the music I've been able to create (improv is not one of my strengths, but I have had some magical moments in that studio), the dear friends I've made, and the changes I've experienced in my own personal life because of this program never cease to amaze me. 

Every time I think about trying to get a new job, I realize that I won't be able to play with these beautiful children anymore and...well, there's a reason I'm working at a pizza place right now...part-time jobs are flexible. 

So, the whole purpose of this, I suppose, is to express my sincere gratitude and amazement. First, gratitude, for the many blessings. Second, amazement, because this time last year I was in so much pain. I never thought I'd be able to do anything like this. I never imagined I would be able to do anything like this in my life...EVER! 

To anyone that has read this, I don't know that I could ever truly express how I feel every time I think about this. I am completely overwhelmed. I don't know what life holds in store for me in the coming months, but if I am able and capable, I so hope I can continue to have this as a part of my life. It's the only thing that has kept me going in my darkest hours these past couple years (and they've been VERY dark at times). 

Music and dance are how I express myself. They are the very core of my being and I don't know who I'd be without these wonderful things in my life. 

My Happy Place

Tonight was AMAZING!!!!!!
This song has been running through my mind all day long and I've decided it's my happy song for the evening.
The event I was able to participate in allowed amateurs, like me, to sit in on a rehearsal and concert with members of the Utah Symphony. I got to sit next to Darren Bradford. Darren Bradford is one of the best clarinetists in the state and possibly the country. He is currently the principal clarinetist of the Orchestra at Temple Square and is a sub for the Utah Symphony.
This Pro-Am event wasn't quite what I expected, but it was so worth the time and money. There is NOTHING like the feeling of playing with an orchestra like that. We were not dressed formally (most of us were in jeans). The audience was small (not open to the public). It was short, but ever so sweet.
We played the Finale of Beethoven's 5th Symphony. That piece is pretty much amazing. Anyways. I'm EXHAUSTED and can't think much more. (If I continue to type I might start throwing in random medical terms because that's all my brain has thought of all day long.)

Conclusion:
Beethoven= Great
Finale of 5th Symphony= Cherry on top
Performing at Abravenal Hall=Add sprinkles and whipped cream
Getting to taste the old, happier me (talking clarinet stuff with people 'in the know', enjoying playing, etc)=
PRICELESS
:-D

Thank You Beethoven!

Why is it that Beethoven's music always seems to be the music that my soul needs?

This coming week I get the opportunity to play in a workshop/concert with the Utah Symphony at Abravenal Hall in Salt Lake City. I'm not sure what the entire event will entail since I have not yet received my info packet. But, I do know for a fact that we are playing the 4th movement of Beethoven's famous 5th Symphony. Everyone  knows the 1st movement. I doubt many people are nearly as familiar with the remaining movements, unless they are a huge fan of Beethoven and listen to his music on a daily basis...ok, maybe they don't have to be that obsessed with his music, but they would have to be familiar with his not-so-familiar works to know this piece. 

I decided it was wise to start practicing my music. Thankfully I have a recording of the entire symphony, so I was able to play along. After playing I realized I was in a different world. When I play my clarinet and get to play music like this I get transported to another dimension. It's as if I'm in a dream sequence in a movie. I stop playing and the rest of the world returns to focus. 

About a year ago (almost to the date) I played in a concert with the Weber State Wind Ensemble in Chicago. After that concert I had so much anxiety towards my instrument that I seriously considered selling it. I have heard so many times the regrets of others that have gone through with those desires to rid themselves of their instruments. So, going against every anxious nerve in my body, I decided to not sell it. 

I am a member of what is called "Chamber Orchestra Ogden." It is a chamber orchestra that was started recently by the orchestra conductor at Weber State, Michael Palumbo. I was able to play for him every semester I was at Weber State. I learned more from those hours of orchestra rehearsals than I did from any other music class I attended throughout my collegiate career. When I found out he was starting this chamber orchestra I had to grab at the opportunity to continue playing for him. I chose to join this group long before I developed the anxiety towards my instrument. 

I almost quit. 

Almost.

Maybe it was inspiration, maybe it was just plain dumb stubbornness. All I know is I didn't quit. I'm not sure why,honestly. I know I was afraid of giving up such a great opportunity. But, holding out on something due to fear is never the right thing to do. I really don't know what kept me from quitting.

After our last concert a couple of months ago, we, members of the COO, received an email from Dr. Palumbo that he had received from a member of the staff at the Utah Symphony. They are starting a new thing that they call Pro-Am (Professional-Amateur). Since I'm still unsure as to what it is all about exactly I won't be able to give much more insight into it.

When I received this email I decided to go for it. I figured, who knows what doors it might open? When I applied for it I was still experiencing an adequate amount of anxiety towards playing, but once again chose to act against my feelings. I later was informed that I was not chosen. I wasn't surprised. But, I had had a feeling that this was going to happen, so I didn't get too upset. A couple of weeks later I was informed that someone did not accept their offer and that I was now being offered this amazing opportunity. 

So, as I sat and listened to the 4th movement to know what I was supposed to play, nothing special happened. Then I played along with the music.

 

After my lips about gave out (due to not playing much over the past couple of months), I decided to listen to the entire 5th Symphony. 

I have been experiencing severe anxiety attacks this past week. And when I say severe, I mean it. As the music is still playing while I type this, I can tell my soul is at peace for the first time since before the attacks started. 

I don't know what it is about Beethoven's music, but almost every time I listen to something by him something touches the raw nerves in my soul and calms them down. I'm so excited for this opportunity. I'm nervous that I won't have any good reeds to play on (still trying to break in some new ones since the last ones I had were probably ones I had played on while in Chicago or possibly previous to that. I'm also nervous that my lips will give out since I don't have the endurance built up anymore. I could practice for 4 hours straight at one point in my life. Today I think I made it 15 minutes. I won't lie. I miss it. I miss everything about being a music major. I'm so glad I get this opportunity to perform again. 

Next week the COO will perform the entire 6th Symphony. 

Could it get any better than this? (ok...2 things could be better, but I'll deal with it...the first is that I'm playing 2nd part-I'd prefer to play 1st...and I wish we were playing the 7th Symphony as well...that's my favorite!)

 

Everyone Knows

So, I will admit right now that I have watched the show Grey's Anatomy more times than is necessary, but I still love the show. In the first 3-4 seasons the love story between Derek and Meredith develops, falls apart and grows again more times than I can remember. 

At one point a line is said that "Everyone knows that Derek and Meredith are in love, except for Derek and Meredith." (Probably not the exact quote...but give me a break, I haven't seen that episode in awhile and I couldn't find the line on Google...and yes, I looked, lol). 

Well, folks, I got a similar line told to me about me and my coworker this past week. Apparently this coworker and I have 'vibes' (according to the manager) and everyone that we work with thought we were dating when I started working there. All this news has come out just the past few days thanks to a new coworker that, after working with me 2 days decided that she wanted to plan our wedding. She came up with this connection on her own in a matter of 2 workdays.

Wow...right? 

So, this guy and I did go on about 3 dates about a year and a half before we even ended up working together (it's the reason we became friends and how I ended up with this job), but nothing ever happened.

Part of me wonders how we've ever given off this 'vibe' since he's constantly flirting with and texting other girls and talking about them to my face. 

Seriously.

Then again, if it's so obvious to everyone around, why aren't we in an actual relationship???

Whatever.

If he was interested in me still, I'm sure things would be different. (but that's a post for another time...and probably just for my journal)

Point of this post:

Sometimes things on TV can actually happen in real life (although, I'm not sure I want my ENTIRE life to turn out like that show...)

Who'd a thunk?

Feeling AMAZINGLY overwhelmed :)

Here's a series of emails that will tell you why I am on the verge of the happiest tears I can have right now.

(This is a forwarded email that I got from my Chamber Orchestra Ogden (and former WSU Orchestra) conductor)

Dear Conductor,

I would like to invite you and your group to apply for Utah Symphony’s Pro-Am. Chosen musicians will play the 4^th movement of Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 in a side-by-side performance with Utah Symphony and conductor Vladimir Kulenovic on March 29 on Abravanel Hall. This opportunity is intended for adult amateur musicians who have not substituted with the symphony. You can find out more information and apply here: http://www.utahsymphony.org/connect/item/548-utah-symphony-pro-am
Please pass on this email to your fellow musicians.

Thank you,

(I applied and this was my response) 

Thank you for applying for Utah Symphony’s Pro-Am Event. We received many applications for your instrument, and we have selected other players to participate this year.  We expect, however, that some of those who were selected may find themselves unable to participate.  If, by the end of February, a position opens up, we may contact you to see if you are still interested and available to play in the Pro-Am.

We hope to make the Pro-Am an annual activity of Utah Symphony, and hope you will apply in upcoming years.

Please let me know if you have any questions

 (Experienced more letdown than I expected, but figured it was for the best)

(Today I got this email...)
 

Heather,

One of our clarinets did not accept their seat and we would love to offer it to you. Are you still interested and available in playing in the Symphony Pro-Am on March 29^th at 7 PM?

Thank you,

Tracy



Of all the concerts I've had the chance to perform and the many prestigious venues in which I have performed at, I have never had the opportunity to perform at Abravenal Hall here in Utah.
It has always been a dream of mine. Carnegie Hall wasn't really MY dream. Oddly enough, Abravenal Hall is. I will get to sit side by side with some of the best musicians in the state. To say that I'm overwhelmed and on the verge of tears right now is an understatement.

:-D
 

Good=Evil?

A friend of mine posted this on facebook today. I'm not going to lie-despite my many doubts and struggles with my faith-this picture makes me all sorts of uneasy and frankly I'm not sure I can accurately describe how this feels other than a dagger being shoved into my chest.

Isaiah 5:20 says: "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter."

Many of my thoughts the past couple of weeks have been directed at the questions: 

"What is right?" and "What is wrong?" 

I think that as a whole, our human civilization can agree that there are a few unarguable terms that are very distinctly WRONG. Those terms include theft, cheating (on a test, or on a spouse-although some may try to argue that one) and murder. 

But what, might I ask you, is right? Is there even an inkling of a standard of what is right anymore?

The world today is full of completely unique opinions. There is NOTHING wrong to having an opinion. It's great that we have learned to use our brains. Along with our ever-increasing opinions, it seems that tolerance is something a lot of the world is trying to accomplish as well. This is a good thing, but sometimes I wonder if we tolerate just a little bit too much of the wrong stuff. But then again, WHAT IS WRONG?

Instead of being a non-judgmental force, our lack of standing up for right vs wrong has become a catalyst for allowing ANYTHING to fly.

(I do want to point out at this time that I do recognize that there are millions of people out there that serve one another and sacrifice their lives for the betterment of others. I don't want to completely ignore that fact.)

50 years ago the world viewed things quite differently-or at least that's the image I have. People were a little more reserved in their actions, drugs and sex were a little bit more behind-the-scenes and there was an implied standard of goodness (respect your parents, be honest, etc).

What standards do we have now? 

Do we even have any standards at all?

The problem I have with this picture isn't so much as it is attacking those who believe in God as it it attacking those who want to have a higher standard. It is attacking those that want to be GOOD. 

What is wrong with being good???

We may get to the end of our life and find out there really is no God. What if we pass from this life into another existence, or better yet completely cease to exist at all?

What's wrong with believing in something? What's wrong with believing in God? What's wrong with wanting to be a good person and turning to a Bible to help guide you in your quest for goodness (Oh wait, loving one another is a bad thing...)? Why is this thing that could possibly be right be so wrong to the world around us?

And, if we're being so tolerant of those that don't believe, I believe they should in turn be tolerant towards those of us that do believe. It's a double-edged sword my friends. 

Oh yeah...and...the biggest thing I have with this is...

NO ONE IT PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!

Once we figure out that even the people we hold in highest regards aren't perfect, I think there might be some hope for true tolerance, with standards still in tact. The Pope isn't perfect, the Pres. of the LDS Church isn't perfect and neither are any of the leaders of any other churches, cults, sects or whatever else is out there.

Nerd Moment

Today I turned 27. When did that happen???!!!
I'm still 25...I PROMISE!!!!!
So here's the nerd part...
I hated the year of being 26. 26 is an even number first of all. I prefer odd numbers. Second, it's NOT prime. Third it's not even a square or cube.
27 is MUCH better. It's odd, and 3 cubed is pretty cool. Just sayin'
:)

The Story that Didn't Happen

When I was a little girl, possibly before I was even in Kindergarten (I can't quite remember), my family was invited over to dinner by another family in my hometown. My brother and I were matched in age by the two youngest of this family's children. So, while the adults chatted with each other, my brother and I played with those younger children in the family. I think we spent some time outside and then some time inside, I really don't remember much other than a random happening that would have a rather large impact on my life later on.
To the kid that was my age, for no reason whatsoever I felt the urge to blurt out something and I acted on it. I really have no clue why I said it. I was too young to understand what I meant  by it. But, it happened. I told that boy that I loved him.
(Cute story, huh?!)
I believe I instantly covered my mouth in embarrassment for what I had said. But, it was too late. He had heard it.
After the dinner nothing spectacular happened...that is, until the primary activity that happened who knows how many days (or weeks...or even possibly months) later. I remember going to a particular area of the room (it was a games activity, so multiple 'booths' were set up in the gym that we rotated around) to play a church version of pin the tail on the donkey. They had a sketch of a chapel building and it was missing the door. The blindfolded person had a door. So, it was my turn. The blindfold was put on my eyes and I couldn't see. I don't remember if I had been spun round at this point or not. I know the older girls that were in charge of the activity started giggling. The next thing I knew, there was something a little wet on my cheek. The blindfold was removed and I realized that the boy I had told "I love you" to had just kissed me on the cheek.
I was embarrassed for years to come. (now I wonder why...I mean...I got my first kiss!!!)
Life moved on. Unfortunately he became the one that the other classmates made fun of. I'll admit (sadly) I partook in it sometimes. (oh how I wish I had been a better person back then) His family decided to leave our hometown after our year in junior high. I felt horrible about the way he had been treated by this time. So, I decided to have a card sent around to all the young women to have them sign as a farewell gift. Once again, I'm not sure what possessed me to do this. It's not like he and I were close at all. We barely talked. (you must realize I was ridiculously shy at this time in life and never talked to ANY guys at all...I also felt like I was the girl version of him...the one that others made fun of) Still, I signed the card after everyone else. For some reason I felt compelled by some unseen force to do this service for him. I guess compelled isn't the right word. I felt strongly that I needed to do it. I gave him my email address and told him to keep in touch (I think...or wait...I don't think I even had an email address then...hmm...) Anyways...I gave him the go-ahead to keep in touch. Eventually we ended up emailing. Thanks to IM we even had some somewhat long-night chats.
We both graduated high school and it came time for me to go to college and he went on a mission. He asked for me to write him. I figured that since we were good friends by this time that it was a good idea. I never had any intentions to pursue anything further than friendship with him, but I knew he had already expressed some different sentiments. Long story short-I wrote him while he was on his mission. It was wonderful to have someone to write. It was good to learn of the struggles he went through and to learn with him in some ways.
Then he got home. We decided to meet up. Oh how I wish we hadn't done this...not in the way it happened at least. We went (I don't remember the order of events) to see the lights at Temple Square and to a wedding reception of a friend of mine. He had just recently returned from the mission. Try walking through Temple Square, looking at the lights and not sure where things stand, with a fresh returnee. It was a good visit, but nothing romantic happened (which I'm not sure I would've allowed anyways...although I do recall letting my hand out in case he wanted to hold it...which I'm sure he was too scared to do...why else would he have wandered away from me all the time?) The 'date' (I guess it was a date) ended with a hug I think and we went our separate ways.
We continued to email, sort of. This is where things went south. He lived out of state, so our friendship/relationship/whatever it was was supported only through email. He had my phone number (I think) but never called. Emails were few and far between. I got upset about it. If there was going to be a relationship, I needed it to exist. We had planned on meeting up to see the Nutcracker during the Thanksgiving break. By the time that event happened, I was so mad at him I could barely look at him. The whole day was awkward. I was not a good friend/date/whatever to him. I'll admit. I was horrible. I now have a story to tell because of this and all I have to say is how it ended. It ended with a handshake. He's the one that initiated the handshake, so the feeling was mutual. Yeah...it was THAT awkward.
We went for a few months without really talking, but by and by I couldn't help but want to email him again. He was still my friend. Probably one of my best friends. No one has ever been such a great supporter of me and my crazy self. (wow...chick flick moment here...the kind where you realize what an idiot you were and what you lost)
Once more we decided to meet up during the Thanksgiving break (this was the only time he was in Utah usually). We decided on seeing the lights again. Apparently I didn't get the memo because when we got to downtown it was just like any other normal night. So, we just walked around downtown for a bit. By this time I had had a serious change of heart. Not only would I have let him hold my hand, I wanted him to. I even secretly desired for him to kiss me. (I had never been kissed and he had earned it!) We got to Abravenal Hall and looked at the posters of musicians around. He put his arm around me and told me that would be me someday. It felt SO GOOD when he put his arm around me. I felt warm and secure. I had a wonderful time with him that night. I really did.
Here's the part where I tell you why I was an idiot and didn't allow the relationship to exist after that. I wasn't 100% attracted to him. I just wasn't. I still don't feel attracted to him in a physical way. Also, he is into rpg's. I just can't let that be a part of my life. I won't explain why, but I just can't. It's fickle, but they are pretty big factors for me.
So, I let go. I hadn't planned on getting into anything with him. I never really felt like I wanted to even go on one date with him when he went on the mission. But, through our many emails and instant messages, I learned to care for him. He is the ONLY guy that has told me he loves me. I don't know why I felt so drawn to him. Maybe we could've been the really cute story (you know, the one with the toddler-sized crush that turns into the adult true-life love story). But it didn't happen. It just....didn't.
What brought me to this point of reflection right now is this. He is engaged. His family posted a slideshow of his engagement pictures this morning. I really am so truly happy for him. I care about him therefore want him to be happy. I know I couldn't've made him happy, not like he is right now. You can just see in the pictures that they truly are 100% happy together. But, once I saw those pictures, this horrible, indescribable feeling has been gnawing at me almost all day long. While I am happy for him and want nothing else for him, I'm realizing that my heart is breaking. When he called me beautiful, I didn't doubt he believed it. When he signed his letters with 'I love you' at the bottom, I didn't doubt his sincerity. When I told him of my shortcomings, he kept listening. He really was my best friend at one point. I'm sad that that part of my life is coming to a close. Yet again, I'm retreating into a new layer of being alone. ~goody~
Danny, if you happen to see this, know that I really do want nothing better for you. I've even prayed that you would find someone. I know how much it means to you to get married and to have a family. I'm just realizing now (WAY too late) how attached I was to you.

2 Things

1. Insomnia-- WHY?!?!?!

2. Winter/Snow/Dry Air-- WHY?!?!?!

Is it summer yet??

The End :-(

Happy!

Watch this...

Now this...

I don't know about you, but I most assuredly prefer the Piano Guys version.

What do you think???

I have been a fan of Jon Schmidt since I was introduced to his ever-so-popular piece, Waterfall, when I was in junior high school (1997 I think). Somehow, I also discovered Steven Sharp Nelson's music during my early years at college. Both have proved to be amazing musicians and their music has had a tremendous influence on my life. 

Lately they've been posting music videos of music they've created together. Each piece seems to hit a new level of awesomeness. Some of their music hits my dancing soul. I'll hear it and I just have to move my body. Other pieces are just fun and bring a smile to my face. Then again there are pieces that move my soul and bring me closer to my spiritual side. And then there are pieces like this newest release "Peponi." I heard it once and it stuck with me. They have the ability to turn an already pretty cool song into something so much more. There is something that grabs at my spirit and says that there is more to this than just a pianst, a cellist and a vocalist getting together to have fun. There is heart and soul behind this. There is real passion.

THIS IS MUSIC!

I don't think I can say enough about what they have created...so, I'll just post more links so you can experience the joy I've found.

A smooth blend of classics from different eras

Just good, easy listening


A little something for us nerds out there


A little more on the tender side


The one that makes me want to dance


And last, but definitely NOT least (probably my second fav)

There are a lot more out there, but I think this is a good enough sampling.

Listen. 

Love.
Be inspired.

Share.
(they brainwash you on the sharing part...sorry)

:)