(Untitled)

I woke up this morning from a dream that represented my biggest regret. All I can think about now is the pain and sadness I feel for what might have been.
I once was in a relationship that was never fully defined (in my mind at least). I'm about 100% sure he loved me, but I was too scared to admit to any real feelings I had. I knew I cared about him, but I let some stupid things get in the way. The saying hindsight is 20/20 has never been more true.
The more I look back on that experience with that person, the more I realize I have the innate ability to cut out the truly great things in my life. I know he's in the right place now, married and they're expecting their first child. But, the regrets and the thoughts of what could have been are eating me up inside. He's happy. I'm not.
Every time I have come within the same ball park of reaching my ultimate desire in life (having a family), I freak out and manage to ruin it. I hate it. Every guy I have ever had a crush on I've managed to alienate from my life. Every guy that has ever liked me, I've been able to find some stupid excuse that really doesn't matter in the long run.
I cannot remember the last date I went on. It's coming up on about 2 years since I last went out with someone.
To say that my self-esteem is low is an understatement.
I feel so unattractive.
What is wrong with me?
I had some amazing people in my life and I managed to take them for granted.
I don't want to live my life alone.
But, what do I do?
The male gender seems to have the same reaction to me every time I meet someone new. They look at me long enough to meet me and then they ignore me. They turn the other way. I just don't understand.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!