My Mental Illness

I grew up with an entire kitchen drawer (and now cabinet) devoted to all of the medications that my parents had to take.
My dad has epilepsy, high blood pressure, depression and who knows what else at this point.
My mother has diabetes, high blood pressure, depression and (again) who knows what else.
My brother has psoriasis, high blood pressure, depression and ....
I think you get the picture.
My family is the prime example of medicated America.

They all suffer from depression...and so do I.

This past week has been hell on Earth.
I have come to hate everything about myself.
I have actually said it out loud more than once that I hate myself.
The sad part is...it's true.
I do hate myself.

I have been on medication for depression before...it helped. Sort of.
Right now I am fighting against going to the pharmacy and refilling my prescription for Prozac.
I know it will help me get out of this rut I'm in, but I also know the side effects of the medication.
And, I know the path that it will take me down.

I hate the thought of being medicated.

I don't want a drawer full of pills.

I am studying massage therapy.
With that comes the study of a lot of holistic healing modalities.
I am already a fan of Essential Oils.
I fell in love with Reflexology and I'm quickly falling in love with Accupressure.

I want so badly to never take another pill again (although, once a month for a couple of days I can't avoid taking pain killers because I'd end up in the hospital otherwise).

My thoughts are broken right now, so I apologize for the awkward flow...

I am unemployed and stuck in a rut of epic proportions right now, so I am limited on what I can actually do.

BUT

I want to do something.

I want to fight this depression.
I want to fight it, once and for all.

I want to find natural, holistic methods to take care of myself.

Below is a list I am making for myself of the things I need to do.

1. I need to change my diet.

I struggle with compulsive eating.
When I'm stressed out, there's nothing in the world that could stop me from eating an entire box of Little Debbie Fudge Rounds (or more).
So, how am I dealing with this???
Honestly, I'm not sure.
I'm trying to purchase better foods in which, if I have to binge, I won't feel so guilty about (Example: Yesterday I popped a bag of edamame in the microwave and ate the entire thing-no guilt trip on that one).
But, it's so easy to drive down the street and raid the junk food aisle. It just is.
This is something I need to work on still.

2. I need to exercise more.

I have gained a LOT of weight. I currently weigh a whopping 240 lbs (to put it in perspective, I've almost always been around 215-220 since high school...at one point I did get down to 185, but that was the lowest and that was in 2009...ever since then I've been constantly and consistently gaining weight). Yeah. There's a reason I hate myself.
When I wake up in the morning I can barely walk. My achilles tendons love to give me grief. My knees have always been deformed and cause problems of their own. Going up and down stairs is always fun...the popping, grinding and pain are always such a pleasure. My lower back is constantly on the verge of 'going out' as it has more than once in the past. My upper back is affected by my scoliosis. I'm constantly suffering from pinched nerve sensations going from my neck to my left pinky. My lungs like to tighten up if I do any physical activity. My heart freaks me out sometimes as well.
So, needless to say...as much as I want to work out, I really hate it. My body HURTS so badly whenever I do anything. I want to start running again (I have had the goal of RUNNING-not walking- a 5k someday and possibly a 10k) , and I know it would help my depression, but the anxiety of the pain I'll feel afterwards is not something I want to deal with again. I HATE being barely able to walk every morning. I purchased the Tony Horton 10 Minute Trainer dvds on Ebay last week. I figured...it's JUST 10 MINUTES!!! I can do anything for 10 minutes.Yesterday was pure torture. My body was hurting, every inch of every minute.
I wish I could stop hurting.
I'm still not sure how to cope with this...EVERYTHING makes me hurt....even yoga and walking.

3. I want to use herbs and oils.

Once I am financially sound again (like that will ever happen), I would like to use Essential Oils more. They are rather expensive, but I have already come to love them and I want to continue and increase my usage of them. DoTerra has a set of vitamins/supplements that I want to purchase as I have heard they do wonders for depression.
I don't want to add synthesized chemicals to my system (Prozac, etc). I want natural ingredients.

4. I want to learn to control my mind.

I want to invest in sound therapy/hypnosis/meditative type treatments.
Turn on your iPod, plug in your headphones and let soothing music or guided meditations take you to a better place. Hypnosis/subliminal therapy can help rewire your thought patterns and you don't have to spend thousands of dollars for treatments. (I sound like a salesperson right now...)
I downloaded a demo app on my phone yesterday that uses sound therapy to help stop the negative thought patterns. I listened to it once and sincerely felt better. I believe in the power of these things and need to make them a part of my life.

5. Psychotherapy (I'm actually very iffy on this one)

I have known many people that have been helped immensely by therapists.
I have also seen them ruin my family...more than once.
A lot of depression is caused by thought patterns. Those thought patterns need to be changed. And...sometimes it's just impossible to do it on your own.
If, after all of these other treatment options, I am still struggling and I am in a position to do something about it, I will contact a therapist and give them a try.

6. Acupressure/Acupuncture

I am currently studying Acupressure in my massage therapy school.
In our last session of practice my anxiety attack was completely shut down by the therapy my student therapist and even the TA were able to do on me.
The needles scare me, but I want to experience at least one session of Acupuncture.
There is real power in these treatment options and I want to explore them more.

7. Spirituality

I've mentioned it before in other posts.
My spirit is sick.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm not actually possessed by an evil spirit.
A great deal of my depression stems from my faith.
When my faith is strong, my depression is all but obliterated.
But, my faith has not been strong since the summer after I finished school.
I'm not sure how to fix my spirit.
I'm reading books, I've read scriptures, I've prayed, I've gone to church...
Nothing seems to help.
Every once and awhile I'll feel a glimpse of hope, but as soon as I acknowledge that, my soul is consumed by darkness.
The devil is real...and I hate him.


For now these are things I want to work on.
As my financial resources are limited right now I am not sure how I am going to do much of anything about it, but I know that I am stuck right now and I can't move forward until I can get my depression under control.

This guy...

...is my inspiration.