Stroke

Tuesday while at work I happened to hear my phone going off so I picked it up. It was my mom. My mom NEVER calls me, so I figured it was urgent or at least somewhat important, and I answered.
She informed me that she was driving into town because my dad was on an ambulance on his way to the ER.
Long story short...because I'm too tired to write much.
My dad had a moderate stroke. He's still at the hospital with hopes of being released tomorrow. BUT, if he goes home it won't be a good thing. He needs intense therapy in so many ways. I really hope that the insurance company will work with my parents and allow him to be put in a transitional rehabilitation center for a while. He can't take care of himself. My mom can't take care of herself the way she needs to as well. There's NO way he'll be safe if he goes home right now.
From what I observed my dad seemed fine.
He says things are different, but he doesn't seem any different. He's been known to over-exaggerate things and I can't help but wonder if this is the case right now.
I was feeling ok about things yesterday when he was showing signs of improving (his speech had cleared up). He's frustrated that he can't do much, but he hasn't been able to do much for months now. I don't get why it's suddenly a problem now. Maybe this stroke has opened his eyes. I don't know.
I'm feeling extremely angry about everything right now.
It's absolutely horrible for me to say this, but a good portion of me wishes that it had just taken him out. He's suffered through so much. His mind, body and soul need rest.
But, life as usual never disappoints with its shitiness.
I am more than certain that my family doesn't trust or respect me. As emergency contacts my brother and aunt were put down. My mom even called my aunt before she called me as she was driving to the ER. I half wonder if I wasn't the last person to be informed. I'm surprised I was even notified at all to be honest.
I know I'm being insanely selfish and self-centered, but it's how I feel right now.
I am so angry and so hurt.
I try to make jokes to cheer up everyone in the room and I just get blank stares as if I have said the worst thing possible. (No wonder I suffer from confidence issues...)
I feel that my family is only my family by definition.
No one tells me anything and no one trusts my opinion or even my knowledge.
It makes me so angry!!!
I'm mad at my mom for thinking she can handle taking care of my dad when she can barely take care of herself. She's soooooo unhealthy and sooooo hard to communicate with.
I feel guilty pretty much anytime I go to her for any kind of mother-daughter need.
The worst part is, I can't seem to separate myself enough to not feel like I need my family anymore.
I wish more than anything that I could just get over it and let go.
More than anything, my father's stroke has shown me more of the true colors of my family members.
I'm so tired of it.
I hate it.
I'm glad that my dad is better and better enough that he wasn't made a vegetable (because that is SOOO much worse than actually dying from such a thing!). I just hope that the therapists can help him and that if/when he goes back home he doesn't fall back into old habits and actually get worse. I don't trust my mom. She's too busy with her job.

I need a therapist and I need to move away.

Maybe if I leave the state and cut off all communication with them they'll realize I was worth something to them and they'll actually make an effort to include me.

I'm so done.

I'm so angry right now that I could punch a hole in the wall.