Another Weight Issue Blog...

I, YET AGAIN, have lost some weight and turned around to gain more.

The stretch marks, the rolls, the tight clothing...it's really getting to me.
I keep trying to lose weight, but I get in my own way.
I freak out, get stressed out about something else, get sick or whatever the case may be and fall off the bandwagon after about a week of any changes made... EVERY FREAKING TIME!
I'm TIRED of being THAT person.
I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been (except for when I was about 75 pounds lighter).

(This was taken in April 2009...I weighed in around 185 and my size 16 pants were falling off in that picture)

I don't hate myself anymore, but I don't want to be this blob of a person. I want to be that confident, healthier person that looks like she can conquer the world (which is literally how I felt in that picture)
I cannot physically do the work I've been in school all year learning to do.
Besides the mental games, I have physical issues keeping me from losing weight.
I did sprain my ankle back at the end of May and still have issues (for example-yesterday in my clinic rotation I could barely walk by the end due to the spasming and cramping from my ankle to my mid-thigh and screamed in pain the entire way home). I also have tendonosis that flares up in one or both of my achilles whenever I start something up as well. My right knee also has some issues. I'm not sure what exactly (as I have no recollection of injuring it), but it swells up, and the ligaments hurt anytime I contract my quads. I also have my lower back pain that tries to get in the way as well...but I'm fairly used to it now.
So, I do have a bit of an excuse for not being terribly physically active. But that just makes it worse. And, I know if I could lose some weight, a lot of these problems would be lessened or even removed. I have had the goal of running a 5k ever since I was at that 185 mark. One time I went running around my hometown and afterwards realized I had run over 4 miles...and I wasn't even tired! I actually REALLY enjoy running. Every time I start a new exercise routine I end up in pain. And it's not minor pain that can just be ignored. It's a horrible cycle.
What I'd really like to do someday is a Ragnar. No joke!
BUT
Along with my exercise woes, I have food issues.
I eat compulsively even though I actually hate food.
When I was preparing meals on Sunday for the rest of the week I couldn't bring myself to eat them because I had no appetite. I really truly hate food (I can't live without it, I'm addicted to it, and it disgusts me all at the same time).
Maybe I need to go on The Biggest Loser.
A friend of mine up at Weber applied to be on that show. I thought for sure she would get on. I had no need to even consider going on that show because I wasn't ridiculously overweight. Now I am.
NBC....if you ever see this...PICK ME!!!! (ok...like that's going to happen...but it's worth a shot!) :)
Anyways.
I don't know why I'm posting this right now. I guess today it really hit me.
I've got some walking dvds. Maybe I'll start there.
The next 2 weeks are going to be rough as I'm working 8am to 6:30pm and going straight to school from 7pm to 10:30pm. I don't know if I'll have the umph I need to start something new, but I can't wait until school is out to start. I have to start now.
I really need a miracle.