3 Strikes

Today I did something that I probably should regret and may actually regret later on once it sinks in what I did...but, for now I'm glad I did what I did.

I have not been on a date in over 2 years. It's getting closer to 3 at this point. (I honestly don't even remember the last one...I'm only guessing)

Earlier this year I decided to email the person I had had a crush on for awhile and tell him how I felt. I knew that he didn't reciprocate, but I needed closure on the situation. I got the answer I was expecting (I only see you as a friend), cried (still cry every once and awhile) and got over it for the most part.

Then, halfway through the year another guy friend of mine and I had been chatting online a little bit. I enjoyed it and wasn't trying to push anything too intense on him, but I asked him out. I just wanted to go see a movie with him and was wanting to make a date out of it. He used grad school applications as an excuse to get out of that one.

Tonight I hit my third strike.

The friend I've had for awhile...the one I went on a couple of dates with a few years ago and told I didn't have any feelings for him (which was a lie...I'm not 100% honest)...the one that I got to work with for a couple of years...the one that I've been conflicted over, but still very much full of feelings for...I tried to ask him out tonight. I got the "just a friend" response.

I can't say I haven't tried here. I'm sooooo sick of this.

I'm glad I got the responses I got as opposed to nothing. I'm glad I've burned every bridge. I'm glad I know now. I'm SO glad my heart has been broken so many times.

:-/

I'm done. I'm really done. I actually feel liberated after this last rejection. I have some heart-broken tears left in me, but for the most part I'm actually very happy. I can move on with my life now. I always thought it was my education/career choices that were holding me back, but it wasn't until tonight that I felt free to do whatever I want. If I get asked out on a date I might not be able to say yes. I can't deal with this anymore.
A friend of mine posted a delightful picture on facebook tonight.

 This picture speaks volumes to me. Every time I see a guy I feel like he turns and runs the other way.

I'm so over it.

I don't need a man in my life. I don't want to be alone, but this heartbreak isn't worth it. ESPECIALLY since it's always 1-sided. I will probably never kiss a man in my life. That's ok.

As the Rascal Flatts song says-
You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand.

I'm standing.

I'm not taking it anymore!