Contemplating Mortality

A few years ago my orchestra and duet buddy, Tanner Holst, passed away unexpectedly. I had never experienced death so closely before. This was someone I saw every day. We spent hours together playing duets in practice rooms and even had a small performance in master class. We sat next to each other in orchestra as I was principal clarinet and he was principal bassoon. I even had a small crush on him (which was ridiculous since he was still a teenager and I was in my mid twenties). 

His passing nearly killed me. 

I couldn't imagine life...music...without him. He was the one that made me want to be more. With his death began the slow death of my love of clarinet. 

I still cry if I think too much about it. 

However, when he passed, my feelings of sorrow were very much based on seeing a life shortened suddenly and how unfair it was to see someone so amazing not get to be alive anymore. 

Then my grandmother passed away. 

Her death was more expected. She had suffered from Alzheimer's and we knew the end was coming long before it made its final round. 

I was not as close to my grandmother as I should have been, but I loved her and I definitely miss her. I knew she had lived a good life and despite it ending sooner than we would have liked, her life was worth something. 

Her death began my questioning on the lifelong belief that families are eternal and that I will see her again. This was the beginning of the war on my faith that I am still fighting (and very much losing at this moment) to this day.

Then my former Bishop and husband to my childhood piano teacher passed away a few months later. He had also lived a good life. He lost a battle with cancer sadly, but he was still a good person to his last days as far as I know. 

He was such an example to me and such an important person in my formative years in high school. It was so very sad to see him leave mortality, but it seemed right that he left when he did. 

After these deaths my life was changed drastically. Each death brought a new trial and lesson to be learned. 

But, until now, I have never truly contemplated mortality and what it really means to die. 

Despite any religious beliefs...whether or not you believe in life after death...whether or not there is a spirit that continues on after the mortal body has rotted and decomposed...

Once you die, you are dead. 

I know, this is highly philosophical here. (Sarcasm)

Let me explain more. 

My dad is in his last few weeks of life here on this planet. Soon he will cease to exist as a living human being. Soon he will be a rotting corpse 6 feet in the ground. 

For me, my dad stopped being my dad a long time ago. We have not had a great relationship. Pride and selfishness dug a wedge between us while I was still in high school and despite efforts to move past it, I still have a lot of hard feelings towards him. I don't feel love and compassion when I think of my father. While others feel pity and sadness for him, I feel hurt, bitterness and anger. 

With his mental state now it's too late to attempt to mend the relationship. He didn't even comprehend who I was when I was there for Thanksgiving last week. 

To him I was 'The Piano Player.'

Despite our broken relationship and the fact that it will be a relief when he passes (he is suffering as well as my mother who has had to endure his many issues throughout life)...I am still brought to a dead silence when I ponder the fact that he will no longer exist in this life. 

His passing means freedom on so many levels. He will not be in pain anymore. He will not have to suffer from another seizure. He will not have to depend on anyone else to help him eat, drink, or go to the bathroom. He will be free. 

To my mom it means freedom from being a caretaker. She will be free to live her life again, before it was consumed with basically babysitting my father every day. 

To my brother it means freedom from his own demons in his relationship with our father. 

To me it means freedom to leave this state (as I am not a fan of flying and did not want to have to fly out for his funeral, which we knew would be soon. Not this soon, but soon nevertheless). It means freedom from feeling anxiety every time I visit my hometown. It means freedom from not feeling trusted (however I lost his trust is beyond me, but it's the honest truth; my father does not trust me). It means freedom from so many things. 

Yet, it also means I failed to be a good person. It means I was unable to mend our broken relationship. It means I was too selfish and too proud to move past the hurt and anger I feel. It means I failed. 

We BOTH failed.  

When I look back on my father's life I think of the word tragedy. 

If his life were a Shakespeare play, it would have been a tragedy. 

All he ever knew was pain and sadness. 

I rarely remember him being happy. I don't know that he ever was really happy. Most of his conversations either consisted of childhood stories when not so good things happened (unless they involved his friend Patrick), or they were complaints of things at work or church. 

Or he talked about the books he was reading or the movie he had recently watched. 

When I reflect on the life my father lived I do not see a person that rose above the muck. I see a person that barely managed to keep his head above water...or rather, the mud...because it wasn't clear and beautiful as water is. 

I see a sad, depressed, tragic life. 

So, when I contemplate his no longer existing, I wonder what was his purpose. Why was he allowed to live his life? Why was he my father? Why did his life crumble underneath him when it was already struggling to stay together? 

Why? 

What is the purpose in all of this? 

I suppose having faith in this situation is a  necessity, but I don't have much faith. 

My religion believes in eternal families. 

No one in my family is qualified to be together eternally. I don't know that I want to be with my father forever. The relationship is THAT bad. 

So, what's the point in believing in eternal families? I may get to see them again once we all pass, but the bonds made in the temple sealing have been broken. 

So, again, I ask...what was the point of his life? 

What will happen to his soul once he is freed from his poor, sad, pathetic mortal body? What will happen to those of us left behind?

Will there ever be healing in this broken family? 

In only a few weeks he will be dead. 

He will cease to exist. 

What the hell?!?!?!?

Blog Challenge Day 12

Hey! I didn't forget to blog today (although, it is past midnight...oops!)

Your proudest accomplishment

This is a tough one.

There is a moment I should be most proud of...playing a solo in a concert on the stage at Carnegie Hall...but that's really not my proudest moment. It was awesome and so amazing and every musician's dream. But, it wasn't my dream (which kills me to say, as I'm sure so many other musicians in my group would have done anything to be heard for 2 lines of music in that most brilliant of concert halls).

My proudest accomplishment, however grand though, has a lot of negative feelings attached to it, so I tend to not think of it as a moment of pride. But, I do take pride in it nevertheless.I'm sure I sound so completely backwards here. Trust me, I know.

I've already mentioned it in another post, so I won't dive into it too much here.

Walking across the stage to receive my awards and diploma for finishing massage school was my greatest accomplishment thus far in my life.

That year in school nearly killed me, and to finish, not only JUST finish, but get a 4.0 GPA, 100% attendance, and be a member of the High Five Club is what keeps me going when I wonder what the heck I was thinking. Even now I sometimes wonder why I went through so much stress and why I'm doing what I do for a career. Knowing that I accomplished those things, for some reason that I cannot explain, keeps me going. I worked my butt off during that hellish year of my life and it was nice to have something to show for it.

Blog Challenge Days 10-11

There's a link in this post and I can't get it to copy the way it needs to, so I'm just posting the link to my other blog.

http://singleandneverbeenkissed.blogspot.com/2014/10/blogging-challenge-days-10-11_19.html

Blog Challenge Days 5-9

The battery on my laptop exploded and it took me until today to try my laptop again. It's not overheating nearly as much now without a battery in it. And it's much lighter now. I should've taken that thing out a long time ago!

Anywho, I'm very behind on my blogging challenge posts, so I'll try to get caught up now...

5-The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

I honestly don't know what people conceive about the single life these days, so I really don't have a response to this. Most of the people I interact with are single or are my age and see things the same as I do.
I know that the media portrays it as empowering and tragic at the same time. So, it's really hard to even know what to say. So, I'll be a bum and leave it at that.

6-Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

I've never heard this quote until now. I think it's absolutely ridiculously and a farce. I am single and want a love life more than anything in the world, but for some reason it has not happened to me yet. I've had small glimpses, but never a real love life. (I've never been kissed, remember?)  I believe in God and believe (as hard as it is to admit it) he has guided me to this point in my life and the love life he wants for me hasn't happened yet. One day, the love life I want will align to the will of my Father in Heaven and it will happen when it is supposed to.  

7-Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

I am nowhere NEAR where I thought I would be at this point. 10 years ago I was one year into schooling to become a high school band director. I had plans of serving a mission and getting married before I was 24. I had envisioned myself as being a stay-at-home mom and teaching piano lessons at home like my mom did.

I didn't go on a mission, I didn't become a high school band director (I majored in performance instead of education and then later became a massage therapist) and obviously I didn't get married and become a stay-at-home mom. As much as it pains me to not be where I wanted to be, I wouldn't give up the lessons I've learned. I know now I am far better prepared to be a wife and mother now than I ever imagined I could be 10 years ago. I cringe at what my family would have had to endure with me being the person I was back then. 

8-Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

I hate doing these 'lists.' But, I will oblige for this blog post, and since I only get to list 5, I will be very careful. The 5 most important things in a future mate to me are (in no particular order):
     1~The same religious beliefs (I want to be able to see eye-to-eye on as many things as possible, especially religious beliefs)
     2~Honesty
     3~Forgiving/Understanding of my imperfections
     4~Educated/Intelligent
     5~Generally Happy/Good attitude (Life happens and it's not all sunshine and rainbows, I get that as I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but a good attitude makes a huge difference)
It's hard to narrow it down to just 5. Harder than I thought. Phew!

9-Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)

Apparently everything about me is weird as I've come to learn from even my best friends. But, probably my favorite thing to do is dance around in my bedroom with music turned up loud on my headphones, or on the speakers if no one else is home (I do have roommates that might not appreciate the noise). 

These responses are short and I'm not sure if they merit the title of "Blog" but, there you go. Tomorrow is day 10!

Blog Challenge Day 4

So...it's past midnight, but I'm still awake...it's still technically Sunday...right???? :-)

Your biggest fear as a single person.

My biggest fear, as with anyone else, is that I will never get married and have a family of my own. 

I have always wanted to be a mother. I desperately do not want to be alone for the rest of my life as well. The world is becoming a scary place. Wars, viruses, politics, etc. are common day news now. Not having someone beside you...not having loved ones close by...it's terrifying! 

Who wants to face such a future without someone by their side?

I know I don't. 

This is a rather short response because it speaks for itself. 

Blog Challenge Day 3

I almost forgot to post today. The battery on my laptop decided to explode, so I am confined to my phone until further notice. I've also been sick all day long fighting off a possible flu bug. So, hopefully I can finish this before midnight. 

Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

I don't know that there has been one specific moment where being single has been awesome. 

I find that I am grateful to be single when I hear about my friends going through divorces or dealing with problems with their kids. And then there are the moments when I realize how free I am to do anything I want. 

Feeling the way I do right now I don't think I'll write much more on this unfortunately. I'm not feeling terribly thoughtful. 

Reality

Today I got a text from my mom about my dad. 

Despite the insurance companies turning down the care my dad needs, my mom was able to find hospice care for my dad.  My mom made it known that they now have a hospital bed set up in the living room and he will be receiving care visits 3 times a week now. 

Is this real?!

My dad's health has been failing over the past few years for sure. For those that don't know, he has epilepsy and cerebral palsy. Last summer he suffered from a stroke in his brain stem. He experienced yet another brain stem stroke earlier this year, and has probably been experiencing mini strokes often. I have not visited my father due to various reasons (time being one, being unable to deal with this situation is another...and not having a great relationship with my dad is yet another). But, from what my mom says, it's only a matter of time. Hospice care is kind of the end of the line. 

I don't know how to deal with this. At all. 

I can't believe this is happening to him and to my family. 

I always thought both of my parents would be there for me if I ever got married. I doubt my dad will ever get to hold a grandchild. My 88 year old grandfather will probably outlive his own son. Had my grandmother not succumbed to Alzheimer's she would probably have outlived him as well. She survived colon cancer for crying out loud. 

Anyways. I'm at a loss for what to think, feel, or do now. 

After his first stroke, we as a family realized his time was probably coming soon. When the second stroke hit we all wished it had taken him. He's suffering. My mom is suffering. 

I know life happens...but sometimes nothing can really prepare you for what happens next. 

Blog Challenge Day 2

Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

There have been many times when being single has sucked. But, the most emotional time for me has to have been when I graduated from UCMT this past December.
The entire year leading up to my graduation was a dark time in my life. I went home every night to a dark basement apartment and struggled through each and every day. I started and left 2 jobs in a matter of 3 months and finally settled into the third job at Subway, a place I had sworn never to return to. I made a couple of friends at work and school and I was living in the same house as my aunt and uncle, but despite this, I felt so alone. I was struggling with my faith in a way that can only be described as being in hell. I had foolishly contacted past crushes, and in an effort to spark something, I burned down everything. My heart was broken, I felt like a burden to my family and I was completely miserable. My depression had hit a new low, I was dealing with some other issues I'm not going to talk about here. I had also experienced getting my wallet stolen, an almost broken ankle, car problems, my dad had a stroke (I went to the hospital every night before and after class while he was there). I was in a new city and didn't know that many people and the few people I knew I felt a struggle to really connect with.
Despite all of this, I managed to get to the end of the school year (having only missed 2 hours of class time due to my radiator breaking on me) with 100% attendance (which means I was there every night and had made up the class time I had missed because of my car), a 4.0 GPA and became a member of the "High Five Club" (which means I did the necessary 5 hours of clinic sessions each and every time I was there).

So, I felt that when I got to walk across the stage to receive my awards and my diploma that it would be nice to have someone there for me. However, not only did I not have a significant other, but my family wasn't there. I walked across the stage and only my classmates cheered for me (and even then...it wasn't a loud cheering). I had gone through so much and felt so proud of what I had accomplished and I had no one to share it with. That was truly the WORST time being single sucked. 

The Single Woman 30-Day Blogging Challenge

Probably a year or so ago a friend of mine introduced me to the genius of Mandy Hale. Mandy Hale has a Twitter and Facebook feed as well as a blog and has authored a couple of books as well. Her online persona is called "The Single Woman."

Mandy/The Single Woman is a voice for all single women in the world right now. I purchased her book, "The Single Woman" shortly after finding out who she was, but never really got into the book until last night. I pulled up my Kindle App while on the train to my dance class and started reading. When class was over I pulled it out again. I got so hooked into it that I decided to miss my stop and keep riding (and reading). I knew that if I got in my car and went home I wouldn't read anymore for that night. I ended up riding to the end of the line and back. I was distracted from time to time while reading, but for the most part I just read. It has been a long time since I have been this caught up in a book. Everything she has to say, in the book and on her Twitter and Facebook feeds are so very much needed by me right now.

My dating life is non-existent. Still. 

I thought I had something with someone I met on Tinder a couple of months ago, but I guess I was mistaken (as I always seem to be apparently). I finally opened up to someone new (first time in 3 years) and got slapped in the face. So, this "Single Woman" thing has come into my life at a perfect time. 

I had gotten used to and comfortable with the idea of being single. I had even gotten to the point of having convinced myself that I never wanted to get married.  But, I felt so compelled to get on Tinder, and now I'm having a hard time wanting to get back on the band wagon of being single and happy. I allowed myself to dream again and it really hurts saying goodbye to that dream for now...AGAIN.

So, back to The Single Woman. On her Twitter feed I noticed she had been posting about a 30-day blogging challenge. Before I started reading her book again I had been pondering the idea of sharing my stories in an effort to be a support for others in my situation. So...
 I have decided to start a new blog focusing on my experiences of being single, dating and whatnot. I have titled it "Single and Never Been Kissed."
It's cheesy, I know. But, it's the truth (unless you count my kiss from Danny when we were ridiculously young).

Anyways...

Here's what I posted on the other blog. I want to post my responses to the challenge on both blogs...just because. :) Here goes....

----

I came across this challenge yesterday before creating this blog and wanted to participate.
These are the questions for each day.

1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”
2)      Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.
3)      Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.
4)      Your biggest fear as a single person.
5)      The biggest misconception you think people have about single life
6)      Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”
7)      Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point
8)      Five things that are most important to you in a future mate
9)      Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)
10)   Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you
11)   Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date
12)   Your proudest accomplishment
13)   Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship
14)   Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful
15)   Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?
16)   If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?
17)   What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?
18)   If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?
19)   What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?
20)   Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it
21)   How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?
22)   What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?
23)   Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)
24)   If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?
25)   Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?
26)   Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why
27)   Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.
28)   Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.
29)   Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.
30)   Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say

So, without further ado...
1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

I hate this question. Although I've never actually been asked this directly, it has been implied.
Why am I still single?
It's not for lack of doing everything in my power (to the best of my abilities) to not be single. But, obviously it isn't the right time nor am I in the right place. Yes, I'm a little bitter and cynical at times about it, but I'm learning every day to be better and I have grown so much because of the experiences I have had. Looking back, even to just a year ago, I see that I was not ready to be in a relationship and I'm grateful for this time to learn more about myself and to be better prepared for that time when someone else will be in my life.

I Think I'll Write a Book

"The Impossible House"

Chapter 1-

After a long day Amie and Heather sat down to watch some late night television before meandering off to bed. Amie decided she had had enough halfway through an episode of Community. As Amie was walking down the stairs, a sound came from the kitchen. This sound, unlike the crashing of a dish from a poorly stacked dish drainer, was deep and hollow sounding. Kind of like a thud. Heather looked at Amie and Amie looked right back at her. Memories of a prior incident rushed through their minds as they played through various causes of the sound. The last time a loud thud had been heard outside, a stoned citizen had tried to break into their house. Neither of these girls wished to relive that experience. They rushed to the kitchen to try to discover the source of the thud. Amie peered out through the kitchen windows to check on the outside surroundings. Heather decided to take this opportunity to rinse her hands of the salt and special sauce that remained from eating a Big Mac and fries just moments before. As the water drained from the sink basin, a new and unwelcome sound was heard. It was the sound of rushing water. Heather threw open the doors covering the sink's plumbing. Immediately she was drawn to the red bucket of water below. This bucket had been there for quite some time as there had been some faulty repairs on the sink after it had been damaged following a new sink and countertop installation. Heather and Amie's eyes locked in on the red bucket. It was almost full of water, and there was something else in it that did not belong there. The girls' hearts sank as they knew that once again the landlord's son had not finished the work he had started, for the U-pipe was now in the bucket, floating, helpless. 

The sink is, once again, broken. 

One may wonder, is it possible for this sink to find healing and peace? Or will it be forever doomed to live a life of disrepair?

Fear & Counting My Blessings

From time to time we, as human beings, experience fear.
I am a frequenter of this emotion when it comes to flying somewhere or if there is a bee or spider within 1 foot of my personal bubble.
Fear is not a feeling I prefer to experience.
Sometimes I have willingly subjected myself to fear before riding a roller coaster, but that usually pays off with a rush of excitement, screaming and laughing.

As I write this blog, I am not experiencing any of those reactions. I am shaking and can barely breathe. I am exhausted and still very much scared. And, every so often a rush of fear runs over me and I can't function.

This may sound a little over the top, but right now I am counting my blessings that I am alive.

I didn't go to bed until after midnight. When I crawled in bed I was wide awake. I had taken a long nap during the afternoon and hadn't quite felt tired enough to sleep. But, I turned on an episode of Grey's Anatomy on my phone and I tried to sleep. I woke up at the end of the episode. I kind of fell back asleep. Then woke up again at least once.

Then, I was woken up by a knocking sound. I froze up instantly. It was too dark outside and I knew that all but one of us were home (the other I never know if she's home). Getting a knock at the door like that at that time of night is not ok. A minute later I heard my roommate across the hall get out and check. I sort of fell back asleep. I'm not sure how long I was out. It must not have been more than a minute. Then I heard a knock on my bedroom door. Because I was already scared I asked who it was. All I heard was "Heather, get up...someone is trying to get in the house." I grabbed my glasses and we all went downstairs to a bedroom in the basement. My roommate from across the hall was on the phone with 911 by that point.

I learned that a man had been trying to get in our kitchen door as well as front door and that he was just outside on the porch.

We waited for what seemed like an eternity (of course it was probably maybe a maximum of 15 minutes if even) for the doorbell to ring and we were told by the 911 operator that it should be the police. We then all went upstairs and a policeman came inside.

He informed us that he had yelled at the guy on the porch and told him he could go home or her would find a place to take him. I really don't appreciate that he wasn't arrested for trespassing. The policeman informed us that this person was a frequenter in the drug world and that the guy said he was trying to get into his friend's house.

So, we had a semi-conscious drugged lunatic trying to get inside our house in the middle of the night.

Right now, I don't harbor ANY good feelings towards this person that invaded our sense of security. I feel that that person should have some kind of consequence for the nightmare he put me and my roommates through. I barely slept at all. I don't think any of us slept well.

A few years ago in my Intro to Fiction class I was required to read "In Cold Blood." (The book written by Truman Capote in the style of a novel, but based on actual events about a family that was invaded and murdered in their sleep in the middle of the night.) Needless to say, again, I am counting my blessings right now.

Lots of Changes

I don't remember the last blog I actually posted and I'm too lazy to look back at my last post (when I do that I tend to get distracted and never get past looking at past posts).

About 2 months ago I decided I wanted to run a 5K for real. I had done a Color Run in Ogden a couple of years ago (about 40 pounds lighter, too), but didn't do much running. My friend Nick Berg had posted on Facebook that he'd been running and I found some real inspiration/motivation to start running again through his posts. When I weighed less and wasn't so full of aches and pains I really loved to run. Instead of waiting for my health to improve (which doesn't make any sense if you think about it) I just decided to go for it.

A couple of years ago I had installed a Couch-to-5-K App on my iPod. I decided to pull it out and complete the program. When I got to week 2 I realized I had never made it past that (through multiple attempts). This week is week 8. Friday (or Saturday, depending on my schedule) will be my last day on that app program. I can't believe I made it!

I've been struggling with my bum ankle that I sprained at the end of May last year (that's right, almost a year ago). That has been very difficult. The actual running part isn't hard, but when I slow down and have to put weight on my ankle it tends to give out. My friend Shayla and I have been doing massage trades on each other and that has helped. I've also been working at a chiropractic clinic and have had free adjustments and use of the ultra sound therapy. All of which have helped immensely. I also have my tendenosis issues. My right achilles tendon is the usual culprit, but sometimes my left one starts acting up as well. Needless to say, it's really difficult to get out of bed the morning after a run.

I haven't really lost any weight which has been SUPER frustrating. Everyone keeps telling me I'm building muscle, but I don't feel like it. I really want to lose weight so I can run faster. My mile is about 15 minutes right now. I know I could shorten that time if I could just lose some weight. I feel so heavy when I run.

This week I decided to start weight training. My muscles need to be stronger. I can run 3 miles, but it takes a lot out of me. I can tell it's the next step I need to take. Monday I did some core workouts. My back hurt less giving massages yesterday, so I've already seen a benefit from that. Today I think I'll train my arms.

Another change I am making is with my diet. After having some conversations with some friends I've decided to cut out gluten from my diet. I do not have Celiac disease. I've looked it up and I don't have enough symptoms to warrant a trip to the doctor for tests. But, if you look at the symptoms of gluten intolerance, I fit in quite nicely. So, yesterday I started a gluten free diet. I'm going to do it for at least 2 weeks, take notice of how I feel, then reintroduce some gluten into my diet and see if I notice any differences. If it's a big enough difference I will officially no longer eat gluten. I have mixed feelings on this idea. But, if it helps me feel even just a little better in the mornings it will be worth it.

Now, back to the 5K goal. Almost 2 weeks ago I went for a run outside along the Jordan River Parkway. I decided to go against the advice of my C25K program and just kept going. I found a lovely place to turn around at even. I had to slow down and walk for a bit on my way back, but thanks to the MapMyRun app on my phone I was able to track my run. I got in just under 3 miles. At that point I realized I could do the 5K thing for real. I have since signed up for 2 5Ks now. The first one is the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Salt Lake City May 10th. I'm excited to be surrounded by a sea of pink. :) I do not personally know many people affected by breast cancer, but it's still a good cause and a good race to make my first. My second 5K will be the following week on May 17th up in Ogden for the Ogden Marathon 5K. I'm really excited about that one. I don't know why, but it's the one I'm looking forward to.

So, there ya go. I've got some good changes going on right now and this time I'm trying to keep the same mindset I had while I was in school. It's all or nothing. If I let up even one day I know I have a tendency to lose sight of my goals (it happens every time). It's the only way I've made it to this point on the C25K program.

So....yeah...yay for something new! :)

That Just Happened...

So, my life has hit a brick wall...AGAIN.

I've finished massage school, and now I have the whole world in front of me.

My car got attacked by an idiot in the parking lot at work.

I have no money saved.

I have no direction in life.

Tonight I got a little crazy with looking at options online...

I may or may not have just submitted an application with Princess Cruise Lines.
I don't know if it's even going to be seen, as they are not currently doing interviews it looks like.

BUT

I had to do it.

I think I'll do more :)

The only reason I can think of them NOT hiring me is my size. Motivation to lose weight...I THINK SO! :)

Life Goals

Run a RAGNAR
Be a Cross-Fit tycoon
Travel to Europe
Spend an entire week on the beach
Go on at least one cruise.

Stressed

The past month has been jam-packed full of emotional ups and downs. I'm finally starting to crumble inside from the pressure of it all.
December 18th was my last day of school.
December 19th was graduation-in which I had NO ONE there to support me. I understand that it was partially my fault because I discouraged people from coming due to the horrible snow storm that hit that day. I think it was a miracle anyone made it there. But, at the end of the ceremony I was left standing alone. It sucked.
December 24th was Christmas Eve. I had to work until 3, but left for home straight from work. That night it was just me and my parents. My dad is more stressful to deal with than ever. Having a decent, non-emotional conversation with him is not remotely possible. Either it turns into him having a pity party, crying like a baby over something simple and stupid, him talking about his stroke (which he can't seem to grasp was NOT that bad...he can't walk much right now, but that's how it was BEFORE the stroke...and he was slow BEFORE the stroke as well...he's just now realizing it and can't fathom/grasp/understand anything...so he cries, or lashes out with comments about me asking my parents for more money-which I haven't done since I got my job at Subway...and he doesn't even deal with money anymore...hasn't for years. He can't. It would've been better if he had died...on everyone-including him). So, Christmas Eve wasn't super amazing.
December 25th. Christmas day. I woke up and ate breakfast with my mom, then helped her some in the kitchen. I had a good time with her, until my stomach starting acting up. I never felt sick, but my stomach has not been normal since then. My brother (who wishes he was my sister) came with his girlfriend. She's nice enough, but she's older than me by a few years at least. I don't like her though. I don't have a good feeling about her. My younger brother babies her. It's so weird, and hard to watch. I just don't like it. At. All.
December 26th. I had to work a normal shift and deal with angry customers that had broken packages....claims that I had ruined their Christmas, etc.
The following week I worked my normal schedule.
December 31st. I worked my normal schedule. I ended up spending New Year's Eve with my friend Julie and another one of her friends. It was fun. It was nice to not be driving down the freeway this time and not alone.
January 1st. I worked 6 hours. Yay for holiday pay!
January 2nd was normal.
January 3rd was supposed to be my last day at Deseret Book. I was planning on making my escape to Missouri. (all I had to do was figure out how to get out there on my limited budget) A little less than halfway through my shift I got a message from my supervisor asking me if I could work the following week...and hopefully longer. I said yes, because I need the money.
January 5th. I had had enough of the feelings brewing inside me for a friend of mine, so I sent him a text asking him what he would say if I asked him out. He said 'probably not.' There was much crying that night.
January 6th. I showed up for work, feeling very much out of place as none of my fellow seasonal hire folk were there. I asked my manager what the plan was. She called me into her office. I am still having a hard time reading her, but I think she was trying to be nice. She told me that they were not planning on keeping any of the seasonal hires on as permanents. But, (for some strange reason) they were grateful for my work and wanted to offer me a permanent position. Because I didn't know what else to say, I said yes. I was told to finish out the week with my normal schedule and that the following week I would be working less hours. That night I drove up to Layton to get ice cream with my friend Jasmine (from school). It was food therapy time. But, all day long I couldn't eat. I had eaten 2 or 3 pieces of candy from the bowl at work, but that was it. So, I got to the ice cream place and ordered a larger size thinking that I was really hungry. I got through half of it and couldn't eat anymore.
January 7th. My desk stuff got moved to a different location and I got settled in. I worked a normal day (well...normal for the job). That night I looked at a room for rent, then drove to Fort Union for sushi with some girls from my ward. Then I drove to downtown SL to watch Downton with my friend Julie. I was still feeling broken from Jon (the guy that turned me down Sunday). Julie wanted to talk about her problems. I was exhausted and just couldn't do 'the girl talk' thing that night.
January 8th. I asked my manager what my schedule was really going to be next week since I hadn't heard anything official. She called me into her office again. Someone had given their notice. I'm working my full schedule for at least 2 more weeks (well...maybe). Then, after work...Julie's friend Brittani-a new friend of mine (who is also going through some serious heartbreak) wanted to get ice cream. I said yes. We met up and had some ice cream. We didn't really delve into everything, we just stated what was going on and that was about it. It was fine. It helped me find a little more closure on my situation as I was able to voice it. This was in Sugarhouse (which was a good 15 minute drive from work in stressful traffic). I got home feeling exhausted (I had gone to work feeling like I was getting sick-achey, chills, headache, etc). 
Tangent on that-Have a mentioned that I'm exhausted?!
I haven't had a real break since school started. I really have not had time to process what just happened this past year. I had Christmas day off and my weekends (oh wait...I worked 9 hours last Saturday), but my weekends have been busy. Church now starts at 9am so I don't even get the luxury of sleeping in on Sundays now.

Tangent over-
I showered around 9 last night and crawled in bed and fell asleep before 10. That's a BIG deal for me.

Today. Today I decided to get lunch at the Burger King that is close to my job. It is located in a truck stop that also has a Beans 'n Brews, and a Cafe. I decided to check out the cafe since I was sick of fried food. First this young thing called me sweetheart. Then she handed me a menu and told me I could keep it in my truck. .... I don't have a truck. I took a good look in the mirror after that. I am a mess. My clothes don't fit. I have a HUGE double chin. My skin is disgusting again. I look like I belong in a truck. It shouldn't have bothered me, but it hit me. HARD.

I also have to find an apartment to move into ASAP as I can tell I've overstayed my welcome at my aunt and uncle's. My aunt offered financial guidance. I don't want her to see my patheticness.
I started looking at apartments today. I don't know how I'm going to afford getting into any of them. I'll be ok with the rent once the deposit and crap is taken care of, but I just don't know what to do. I'm also freaking out because I have been alone for so long. I've developed some bad habits that I'm worried about when I move in with someone else.

Also, I had put my name up for auditioning for my old spot in the Chamber Orchestra Ogden. I haven't prepared for it. I don't have an A clarinet which is pretty important (one of the audition pieces even calls for it). I'm starting to feel I'm going to cancel this audition. It breaks my heart. But, I don't know what else to do.

This is not where I was supposed to be.

I was going to move to Missouri after I finished school. I was going to be healthier and not injured and able to work strictly massage.

Now I can't work too many hours with massage due to my F****** ankle. I was NOT going to stay in Salt Lake. If I was going to stay in Utah AT ALL I was going to go back to Ogden.

Now everything is a mess. I need to move out. I have an audition. I need to find a part time massage job (and pray that I don't fall apart). I need to lose weight. I need to be healthy again. I need to go back to the gym. I just don't want to stay here. But I feel like I'm getting sucked back in.

To say that my spirits are low is an understatement.

I was going to leave everything behind and start over.

WHY CAN'T I JUST LEAVE?!?!

3 Strikes

Today I did something that I probably should regret and may actually regret later on once it sinks in what I did...but, for now I'm glad I did what I did.

I have not been on a date in over 2 years. It's getting closer to 3 at this point. (I honestly don't even remember the last one...I'm only guessing)

Earlier this year I decided to email the person I had had a crush on for awhile and tell him how I felt. I knew that he didn't reciprocate, but I needed closure on the situation. I got the answer I was expecting (I only see you as a friend), cried (still cry every once and awhile) and got over it for the most part.

Then, halfway through the year another guy friend of mine and I had been chatting online a little bit. I enjoyed it and wasn't trying to push anything too intense on him, but I asked him out. I just wanted to go see a movie with him and was wanting to make a date out of it. He used grad school applications as an excuse to get out of that one.

Tonight I hit my third strike.

The friend I've had for awhile...the one I went on a couple of dates with a few years ago and told I didn't have any feelings for him (which was a lie...I'm not 100% honest)...the one that I got to work with for a couple of years...the one that I've been conflicted over, but still very much full of feelings for...I tried to ask him out tonight. I got the "just a friend" response.

I can't say I haven't tried here. I'm sooooo sick of this.

I'm glad I got the responses I got as opposed to nothing. I'm glad I've burned every bridge. I'm glad I know now. I'm SO glad my heart has been broken so many times.

:-/

I'm done. I'm really done. I actually feel liberated after this last rejection. I have some heart-broken tears left in me, but for the most part I'm actually very happy. I can move on with my life now. I always thought it was my education/career choices that were holding me back, but it wasn't until tonight that I felt free to do whatever I want. If I get asked out on a date I might not be able to say yes. I can't deal with this anymore.
A friend of mine posted a delightful picture on facebook tonight.

 This picture speaks volumes to me. Every time I see a guy I feel like he turns and runs the other way.

I'm so over it.

I don't need a man in my life. I don't want to be alone, but this heartbreak isn't worth it. ESPECIALLY since it's always 1-sided. I will probably never kiss a man in my life. That's ok.

As the Rascal Flatts song says-
You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand.

I'm standing.

I'm not taking it anymore!