Life has been hard

I have not posted much in a long time. 

Just under a week after my last post, my father passed away. 

Life has been so incredibly difficult. 

My father's death triggered a cyclone in my emotions, moods, and mental health. 

I'm just now starting to feel some semblance of normalcy.

However, my mother just left to move back to her hometown in Missouri yesterday. 

As we were going through many boxes stored in the shed in the backyard, I came across boxes of clothes. 

2 boxes of clothes had belonged to my dad. I pulled out one sweater that I remember vividly. I decided to hold onto it with the hopes of finding some way to turn it into a pillow or who knows. I'm sure I can find Pinterest to be of some help. 

I also found a box of my old baby clothes that my mom had held onto. 

Looking at those clothes opened up an old wound in my heart. 

I am 30 years old now and have yet to even get my first kiss, let alone get married and have kids. 

I've buried my hopes and dreams of getting married for so long and seeing those baby clothes ripped that grave wide open. 

Last night I had a dream that I had fallen love with a TV character from a show I've been binge watching lately. 

It felt so good to be in love and to feel loved. It felt so good to have a hope of getting married and starting a family. 

Nevertheless, it was sadly just a dream. 

 

I have many people saying they are there for me, but I still feel so very alone now. 

I am the least ready I have ever been in my life to let someone else in, but more than ever, I truly need to have someone in my life. 

I cannot express how hard the past few months have been. 

I almost quit doing massage. It took weeks to feel comfortable touching someone again after touching my dad's dead body. Every once and awhile I still struggle with it. 

I've gone through some serious waves of depression and anxiety. Bad enough to where I've almost taken myself to the hospital. I still can't bring myself to do anything a responsible adult should do. 

In psychology I believe the term that should be used for me is regression. I feel like I have regressed back to feeling like a child. And now with my mom gone, I just don't know what to do. 

Like I said, I'm really in no position to be in a relationship, but more than ever before I wish I had someone in my life and I wish I had my own family. 

Life is hard sometimes. 

Seriously.