Sleepless

Ever since my dad passed away I have been struggling with severe anxiety and panic attacks. The worst episode I had was while I was trying to fall asleep. 

I laid in my bed feeling so absolutely terrified that I thought I was actually losing my mind. I feared that if I did not stay awake and stay focused, I would lose my literal sanity forever. I felt out of control. I felt as if I was fighting to stay alive. I had to consciously make an effort to breathe. I didn't get much sleep that night. The only reason I did sleep at all was because my eyes just couldn't stay open any longer. 

I haven't had too many attacks as severe as that particular one, but every now and then I come close. 

Tonight is one of those nights. 

It is past 3 am now. My eyes are getting heavy. I decided to take a sleep aide this time. I have multiple essential oils difusing and have also slathered myself in oils that are supposed to help with anxiety. And yet, I still feel as if my heart is ready to stop beating. I fear that if I don't concentrate enough, I will die. 

I can't begin to express how horrifying this is. 

Breathing is a literal chore. 

I know the morning is already coming and I fear I may sleep in late enough that I will have wasted the day away. 

This is not who I want to be. I don't know why this was triggered by my dad's death, but it was and I don't know how to deal with it. 

Everyone keeps telling me to get therapy. 

Can I tell you how hard it is to even begin thinking about finding a therapist?! Oh, and I'm not insured as of right now...so paying for one is overwhelming enough to make me avoid it. 

I want to sleep soundly again 

I stayed with my mother in Missouri for a week just this past week. I wanted to visit her for her birthday. It was a good trip. 

There was only one night in which I felt only a minimal pang of anxiety. And as quickly as it came, it left. I have never been able to pass or so quickly...not since my dad died at least. 

It only took me one full day and night to return to my previous anxieties. 

I don't feel safe in my house and my mind is obviously overwhelmed with some things. 

I think the sleep aide may actually be working. This is a miracle!!!

I thought I knew what bad anxiety and insomnia were like. 

I was wrong. 

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

Having anxiety like this is like literally living in hell on earth. 

Hopefully I will be able to sleep some now. 

Goodnight!