Fear & Counting My Blessings

From time to time we, as human beings, experience fear.
I am a frequenter of this emotion when it comes to flying somewhere or if there is a bee or spider within 1 foot of my personal bubble.
Fear is not a feeling I prefer to experience.
Sometimes I have willingly subjected myself to fear before riding a roller coaster, but that usually pays off with a rush of excitement, screaming and laughing.

As I write this blog, I am not experiencing any of those reactions. I am shaking and can barely breathe. I am exhausted and still very much scared. And, every so often a rush of fear runs over me and I can't function.

This may sound a little over the top, but right now I am counting my blessings that I am alive.

I didn't go to bed until after midnight. When I crawled in bed I was wide awake. I had taken a long nap during the afternoon and hadn't quite felt tired enough to sleep. But, I turned on an episode of Grey's Anatomy on my phone and I tried to sleep. I woke up at the end of the episode. I kind of fell back asleep. Then woke up again at least once.

Then, I was woken up by a knocking sound. I froze up instantly. It was too dark outside and I knew that all but one of us were home (the other I never know if she's home). Getting a knock at the door like that at that time of night is not ok. A minute later I heard my roommate across the hall get out and check. I sort of fell back asleep. I'm not sure how long I was out. It must not have been more than a minute. Then I heard a knock on my bedroom door. Because I was already scared I asked who it was. All I heard was "Heather, get up...someone is trying to get in the house." I grabbed my glasses and we all went downstairs to a bedroom in the basement. My roommate from across the hall was on the phone with 911 by that point.

I learned that a man had been trying to get in our kitchen door as well as front door and that he was just outside on the porch.

We waited for what seemed like an eternity (of course it was probably maybe a maximum of 15 minutes if even) for the doorbell to ring and we were told by the 911 operator that it should be the police. We then all went upstairs and a policeman came inside.

He informed us that he had yelled at the guy on the porch and told him he could go home or her would find a place to take him. I really don't appreciate that he wasn't arrested for trespassing. The policeman informed us that this person was a frequenter in the drug world and that the guy said he was trying to get into his friend's house.

So, we had a semi-conscious drugged lunatic trying to get inside our house in the middle of the night.

Right now, I don't harbor ANY good feelings towards this person that invaded our sense of security. I feel that that person should have some kind of consequence for the nightmare he put me and my roommates through. I barely slept at all. I don't think any of us slept well.

A few years ago in my Intro to Fiction class I was required to read "In Cold Blood." (The book written by Truman Capote in the style of a novel, but based on actual events about a family that was invaded and murdered in their sleep in the middle of the night.) Needless to say, again, I am counting my blessings right now.

Lots of Changes

I don't remember the last blog I actually posted and I'm too lazy to look back at my last post (when I do that I tend to get distracted and never get past looking at past posts).

About 2 months ago I decided I wanted to run a 5K for real. I had done a Color Run in Ogden a couple of years ago (about 40 pounds lighter, too), but didn't do much running. My friend Nick Berg had posted on Facebook that he'd been running and I found some real inspiration/motivation to start running again through his posts. When I weighed less and wasn't so full of aches and pains I really loved to run. Instead of waiting for my health to improve (which doesn't make any sense if you think about it) I just decided to go for it.

A couple of years ago I had installed a Couch-to-5-K App on my iPod. I decided to pull it out and complete the program. When I got to week 2 I realized I had never made it past that (through multiple attempts). This week is week 8. Friday (or Saturday, depending on my schedule) will be my last day on that app program. I can't believe I made it!

I've been struggling with my bum ankle that I sprained at the end of May last year (that's right, almost a year ago). That has been very difficult. The actual running part isn't hard, but when I slow down and have to put weight on my ankle it tends to give out. My friend Shayla and I have been doing massage trades on each other and that has helped. I've also been working at a chiropractic clinic and have had free adjustments and use of the ultra sound therapy. All of which have helped immensely. I also have my tendenosis issues. My right achilles tendon is the usual culprit, but sometimes my left one starts acting up as well. Needless to say, it's really difficult to get out of bed the morning after a run.

I haven't really lost any weight which has been SUPER frustrating. Everyone keeps telling me I'm building muscle, but I don't feel like it. I really want to lose weight so I can run faster. My mile is about 15 minutes right now. I know I could shorten that time if I could just lose some weight. I feel so heavy when I run.

This week I decided to start weight training. My muscles need to be stronger. I can run 3 miles, but it takes a lot out of me. I can tell it's the next step I need to take. Monday I did some core workouts. My back hurt less giving massages yesterday, so I've already seen a benefit from that. Today I think I'll train my arms.

Another change I am making is with my diet. After having some conversations with some friends I've decided to cut out gluten from my diet. I do not have Celiac disease. I've looked it up and I don't have enough symptoms to warrant a trip to the doctor for tests. But, if you look at the symptoms of gluten intolerance, I fit in quite nicely. So, yesterday I started a gluten free diet. I'm going to do it for at least 2 weeks, take notice of how I feel, then reintroduce some gluten into my diet and see if I notice any differences. If it's a big enough difference I will officially no longer eat gluten. I have mixed feelings on this idea. But, if it helps me feel even just a little better in the mornings it will be worth it.

Now, back to the 5K goal. Almost 2 weeks ago I went for a run outside along the Jordan River Parkway. I decided to go against the advice of my C25K program and just kept going. I found a lovely place to turn around at even. I had to slow down and walk for a bit on my way back, but thanks to the MapMyRun app on my phone I was able to track my run. I got in just under 3 miles. At that point I realized I could do the 5K thing for real. I have since signed up for 2 5Ks now. The first one is the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Salt Lake City May 10th. I'm excited to be surrounded by a sea of pink. :) I do not personally know many people affected by breast cancer, but it's still a good cause and a good race to make my first. My second 5K will be the following week on May 17th up in Ogden for the Ogden Marathon 5K. I'm really excited about that one. I don't know why, but it's the one I'm looking forward to.

So, there ya go. I've got some good changes going on right now and this time I'm trying to keep the same mindset I had while I was in school. It's all or nothing. If I let up even one day I know I have a tendency to lose sight of my goals (it happens every time). It's the only way I've made it to this point on the C25K program.

So....yeah...yay for something new! :)

That Just Happened...

So, my life has hit a brick wall...AGAIN.

I've finished massage school, and now I have the whole world in front of me.

My car got attacked by an idiot in the parking lot at work.

I have no money saved.

I have no direction in life.

Tonight I got a little crazy with looking at options online...

I may or may not have just submitted an application with Princess Cruise Lines.
I don't know if it's even going to be seen, as they are not currently doing interviews it looks like.

BUT

I had to do it.

I think I'll do more :)

The only reason I can think of them NOT hiring me is my size. Motivation to lose weight...I THINK SO! :)

Life Goals

Run a RAGNAR
Be a Cross-Fit tycoon
Travel to Europe
Spend an entire week on the beach
Go on at least one cruise.

Stressed

The past month has been jam-packed full of emotional ups and downs. I'm finally starting to crumble inside from the pressure of it all.
December 18th was my last day of school.
December 19th was graduation-in which I had NO ONE there to support me. I understand that it was partially my fault because I discouraged people from coming due to the horrible snow storm that hit that day. I think it was a miracle anyone made it there. But, at the end of the ceremony I was left standing alone. It sucked.
December 24th was Christmas Eve. I had to work until 3, but left for home straight from work. That night it was just me and my parents. My dad is more stressful to deal with than ever. Having a decent, non-emotional conversation with him is not remotely possible. Either it turns into him having a pity party, crying like a baby over something simple and stupid, him talking about his stroke (which he can't seem to grasp was NOT that bad...he can't walk much right now, but that's how it was BEFORE the stroke...and he was slow BEFORE the stroke as well...he's just now realizing it and can't fathom/grasp/understand anything...so he cries, or lashes out with comments about me asking my parents for more money-which I haven't done since I got my job at Subway...and he doesn't even deal with money anymore...hasn't for years. He can't. It would've been better if he had died...on everyone-including him). So, Christmas Eve wasn't super amazing.
December 25th. Christmas day. I woke up and ate breakfast with my mom, then helped her some in the kitchen. I had a good time with her, until my stomach starting acting up. I never felt sick, but my stomach has not been normal since then. My brother (who wishes he was my sister) came with his girlfriend. She's nice enough, but she's older than me by a few years at least. I don't like her though. I don't have a good feeling about her. My younger brother babies her. It's so weird, and hard to watch. I just don't like it. At. All.
December 26th. I had to work a normal shift and deal with angry customers that had broken packages....claims that I had ruined their Christmas, etc.
The following week I worked my normal schedule.
December 31st. I worked my normal schedule. I ended up spending New Year's Eve with my friend Julie and another one of her friends. It was fun. It was nice to not be driving down the freeway this time and not alone.
January 1st. I worked 6 hours. Yay for holiday pay!
January 2nd was normal.
January 3rd was supposed to be my last day at Deseret Book. I was planning on making my escape to Missouri. (all I had to do was figure out how to get out there on my limited budget) A little less than halfway through my shift I got a message from my supervisor asking me if I could work the following week...and hopefully longer. I said yes, because I need the money.
January 5th. I had had enough of the feelings brewing inside me for a friend of mine, so I sent him a text asking him what he would say if I asked him out. He said 'probably not.' There was much crying that night.
January 6th. I showed up for work, feeling very much out of place as none of my fellow seasonal hire folk were there. I asked my manager what the plan was. She called me into her office. I am still having a hard time reading her, but I think she was trying to be nice. She told me that they were not planning on keeping any of the seasonal hires on as permanents. But, (for some strange reason) they were grateful for my work and wanted to offer me a permanent position. Because I didn't know what else to say, I said yes. I was told to finish out the week with my normal schedule and that the following week I would be working less hours. That night I drove up to Layton to get ice cream with my friend Jasmine (from school). It was food therapy time. But, all day long I couldn't eat. I had eaten 2 or 3 pieces of candy from the bowl at work, but that was it. So, I got to the ice cream place and ordered a larger size thinking that I was really hungry. I got through half of it and couldn't eat anymore.
January 7th. My desk stuff got moved to a different location and I got settled in. I worked a normal day (well...normal for the job). That night I looked at a room for rent, then drove to Fort Union for sushi with some girls from my ward. Then I drove to downtown SL to watch Downton with my friend Julie. I was still feeling broken from Jon (the guy that turned me down Sunday). Julie wanted to talk about her problems. I was exhausted and just couldn't do 'the girl talk' thing that night.
January 8th. I asked my manager what my schedule was really going to be next week since I hadn't heard anything official. She called me into her office again. Someone had given their notice. I'm working my full schedule for at least 2 more weeks (well...maybe). Then, after work...Julie's friend Brittani-a new friend of mine (who is also going through some serious heartbreak) wanted to get ice cream. I said yes. We met up and had some ice cream. We didn't really delve into everything, we just stated what was going on and that was about it. It was fine. It helped me find a little more closure on my situation as I was able to voice it. This was in Sugarhouse (which was a good 15 minute drive from work in stressful traffic). I got home feeling exhausted (I had gone to work feeling like I was getting sick-achey, chills, headache, etc). 
Tangent on that-Have a mentioned that I'm exhausted?!
I haven't had a real break since school started. I really have not had time to process what just happened this past year. I had Christmas day off and my weekends (oh wait...I worked 9 hours last Saturday), but my weekends have been busy. Church now starts at 9am so I don't even get the luxury of sleeping in on Sundays now.

Tangent over-
I showered around 9 last night and crawled in bed and fell asleep before 10. That's a BIG deal for me.

Today. Today I decided to get lunch at the Burger King that is close to my job. It is located in a truck stop that also has a Beans 'n Brews, and a Cafe. I decided to check out the cafe since I was sick of fried food. First this young thing called me sweetheart. Then she handed me a menu and told me I could keep it in my truck. .... I don't have a truck. I took a good look in the mirror after that. I am a mess. My clothes don't fit. I have a HUGE double chin. My skin is disgusting again. I look like I belong in a truck. It shouldn't have bothered me, but it hit me. HARD.

I also have to find an apartment to move into ASAP as I can tell I've overstayed my welcome at my aunt and uncle's. My aunt offered financial guidance. I don't want her to see my patheticness.
I started looking at apartments today. I don't know how I'm going to afford getting into any of them. I'll be ok with the rent once the deposit and crap is taken care of, but I just don't know what to do. I'm also freaking out because I have been alone for so long. I've developed some bad habits that I'm worried about when I move in with someone else.

Also, I had put my name up for auditioning for my old spot in the Chamber Orchestra Ogden. I haven't prepared for it. I don't have an A clarinet which is pretty important (one of the audition pieces even calls for it). I'm starting to feel I'm going to cancel this audition. It breaks my heart. But, I don't know what else to do.

This is not where I was supposed to be.

I was going to move to Missouri after I finished school. I was going to be healthier and not injured and able to work strictly massage.

Now I can't work too many hours with massage due to my F****** ankle. I was NOT going to stay in Salt Lake. If I was going to stay in Utah AT ALL I was going to go back to Ogden.

Now everything is a mess. I need to move out. I have an audition. I need to find a part time massage job (and pray that I don't fall apart). I need to lose weight. I need to be healthy again. I need to go back to the gym. I just don't want to stay here. But I feel like I'm getting sucked back in.

To say that my spirits are low is an understatement.

I was going to leave everything behind and start over.

WHY CAN'T I JUST LEAVE?!?!

3 Strikes

Today I did something that I probably should regret and may actually regret later on once it sinks in what I did...but, for now I'm glad I did what I did.

I have not been on a date in over 2 years. It's getting closer to 3 at this point. (I honestly don't even remember the last one...I'm only guessing)

Earlier this year I decided to email the person I had had a crush on for awhile and tell him how I felt. I knew that he didn't reciprocate, but I needed closure on the situation. I got the answer I was expecting (I only see you as a friend), cried (still cry every once and awhile) and got over it for the most part.

Then, halfway through the year another guy friend of mine and I had been chatting online a little bit. I enjoyed it and wasn't trying to push anything too intense on him, but I asked him out. I just wanted to go see a movie with him and was wanting to make a date out of it. He used grad school applications as an excuse to get out of that one.

Tonight I hit my third strike.

The friend I've had for awhile...the one I went on a couple of dates with a few years ago and told I didn't have any feelings for him (which was a lie...I'm not 100% honest)...the one that I got to work with for a couple of years...the one that I've been conflicted over, but still very much full of feelings for...I tried to ask him out tonight. I got the "just a friend" response.

I can't say I haven't tried here. I'm sooooo sick of this.

I'm glad I got the responses I got as opposed to nothing. I'm glad I've burned every bridge. I'm glad I know now. I'm SO glad my heart has been broken so many times.

:-/

I'm done. I'm really done. I actually feel liberated after this last rejection. I have some heart-broken tears left in me, but for the most part I'm actually very happy. I can move on with my life now. I always thought it was my education/career choices that were holding me back, but it wasn't until tonight that I felt free to do whatever I want. If I get asked out on a date I might not be able to say yes. I can't deal with this anymore.
A friend of mine posted a delightful picture on facebook tonight.

 This picture speaks volumes to me. Every time I see a guy I feel like he turns and runs the other way.

I'm so over it.

I don't need a man in my life. I don't want to be alone, but this heartbreak isn't worth it. ESPECIALLY since it's always 1-sided. I will probably never kiss a man in my life. That's ok.

As the Rascal Flatts song says-
You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand.

I'm standing.

I'm not taking it anymore!

Another Weight Issue Blog...

I, YET AGAIN, have lost some weight and turned around to gain more.

The stretch marks, the rolls, the tight clothing...it's really getting to me.
I keep trying to lose weight, but I get in my own way.
I freak out, get stressed out about something else, get sick or whatever the case may be and fall off the bandwagon after about a week of any changes made... EVERY FREAKING TIME!
I'm TIRED of being THAT person.
I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been (except for when I was about 75 pounds lighter).

(This was taken in April 2009...I weighed in around 185 and my size 16 pants were falling off in that picture)

I don't hate myself anymore, but I don't want to be this blob of a person. I want to be that confident, healthier person that looks like she can conquer the world (which is literally how I felt in that picture)
I cannot physically do the work I've been in school all year learning to do.
Besides the mental games, I have physical issues keeping me from losing weight.
I did sprain my ankle back at the end of May and still have issues (for example-yesterday in my clinic rotation I could barely walk by the end due to the spasming and cramping from my ankle to my mid-thigh and screamed in pain the entire way home). I also have tendonosis that flares up in one or both of my achilles whenever I start something up as well. My right knee also has some issues. I'm not sure what exactly (as I have no recollection of injuring it), but it swells up, and the ligaments hurt anytime I contract my quads. I also have my lower back pain that tries to get in the way as well...but I'm fairly used to it now.
So, I do have a bit of an excuse for not being terribly physically active. But that just makes it worse. And, I know if I could lose some weight, a lot of these problems would be lessened or even removed. I have had the goal of running a 5k ever since I was at that 185 mark. One time I went running around my hometown and afterwards realized I had run over 4 miles...and I wasn't even tired! I actually REALLY enjoy running. Every time I start a new exercise routine I end up in pain. And it's not minor pain that can just be ignored. It's a horrible cycle.
What I'd really like to do someday is a Ragnar. No joke!
BUT
Along with my exercise woes, I have food issues.
I eat compulsively even though I actually hate food.
When I was preparing meals on Sunday for the rest of the week I couldn't bring myself to eat them because I had no appetite. I really truly hate food (I can't live without it, I'm addicted to it, and it disgusts me all at the same time).
Maybe I need to go on The Biggest Loser.
A friend of mine up at Weber applied to be on that show. I thought for sure she would get on. I had no need to even consider going on that show because I wasn't ridiculously overweight. Now I am.
NBC....if you ever see this...PICK ME!!!! (ok...like that's going to happen...but it's worth a shot!) :)
Anyways.
I don't know why I'm posting this right now. I guess today it really hit me.
I've got some walking dvds. Maybe I'll start there.
The next 2 weeks are going to be rough as I'm working 8am to 6:30pm and going straight to school from 7pm to 10:30pm. I don't know if I'll have the umph I need to start something new, but I can't wait until school is out to start. I have to start now.
I really need a miracle.