That Just Happened...

So, my life has hit a brick wall...AGAIN.

I've finished massage school, and now I have the whole world in front of me.

My car got attacked by an idiot in the parking lot at work.

I have no money saved.

I have no direction in life.

Tonight I got a little crazy with looking at options online...

I may or may not have just submitted an application with Princess Cruise Lines.
I don't know if it's even going to be seen, as they are not currently doing interviews it looks like.

BUT

I had to do it.

I think I'll do more :)

The only reason I can think of them NOT hiring me is my size. Motivation to lose weight...I THINK SO! :)

Life Goals

Run a RAGNAR
Be a Cross-Fit tycoon
Travel to Europe
Spend an entire week on the beach
Go on at least one cruise.

Stressed

The past month has been jam-packed full of emotional ups and downs. I'm finally starting to crumble inside from the pressure of it all.
December 18th was my last day of school.
December 19th was graduation-in which I had NO ONE there to support me. I understand that it was partially my fault because I discouraged people from coming due to the horrible snow storm that hit that day. I think it was a miracle anyone made it there. But, at the end of the ceremony I was left standing alone. It sucked.
December 24th was Christmas Eve. I had to work until 3, but left for home straight from work. That night it was just me and my parents. My dad is more stressful to deal with than ever. Having a decent, non-emotional conversation with him is not remotely possible. Either it turns into him having a pity party, crying like a baby over something simple and stupid, him talking about his stroke (which he can't seem to grasp was NOT that bad...he can't walk much right now, but that's how it was BEFORE the stroke...and he was slow BEFORE the stroke as well...he's just now realizing it and can't fathom/grasp/understand anything...so he cries, or lashes out with comments about me asking my parents for more money-which I haven't done since I got my job at Subway...and he doesn't even deal with money anymore...hasn't for years. He can't. It would've been better if he had died...on everyone-including him). So, Christmas Eve wasn't super amazing.
December 25th. Christmas day. I woke up and ate breakfast with my mom, then helped her some in the kitchen. I had a good time with her, until my stomach starting acting up. I never felt sick, but my stomach has not been normal since then. My brother (who wishes he was my sister) came with his girlfriend. She's nice enough, but she's older than me by a few years at least. I don't like her though. I don't have a good feeling about her. My younger brother babies her. It's so weird, and hard to watch. I just don't like it. At. All.
December 26th. I had to work a normal shift and deal with angry customers that had broken packages....claims that I had ruined their Christmas, etc.
The following week I worked my normal schedule.
December 31st. I worked my normal schedule. I ended up spending New Year's Eve with my friend Julie and another one of her friends. It was fun. It was nice to not be driving down the freeway this time and not alone.
January 1st. I worked 6 hours. Yay for holiday pay!
January 2nd was normal.
January 3rd was supposed to be my last day at Deseret Book. I was planning on making my escape to Missouri. (all I had to do was figure out how to get out there on my limited budget) A little less than halfway through my shift I got a message from my supervisor asking me if I could work the following week...and hopefully longer. I said yes, because I need the money.
January 5th. I had had enough of the feelings brewing inside me for a friend of mine, so I sent him a text asking him what he would say if I asked him out. He said 'probably not.' There was much crying that night.
January 6th. I showed up for work, feeling very much out of place as none of my fellow seasonal hire folk were there. I asked my manager what the plan was. She called me into her office. I am still having a hard time reading her, but I think she was trying to be nice. She told me that they were not planning on keeping any of the seasonal hires on as permanents. But, (for some strange reason) they were grateful for my work and wanted to offer me a permanent position. Because I didn't know what else to say, I said yes. I was told to finish out the week with my normal schedule and that the following week I would be working less hours. That night I drove up to Layton to get ice cream with my friend Jasmine (from school). It was food therapy time. But, all day long I couldn't eat. I had eaten 2 or 3 pieces of candy from the bowl at work, but that was it. So, I got to the ice cream place and ordered a larger size thinking that I was really hungry. I got through half of it and couldn't eat anymore.
January 7th. My desk stuff got moved to a different location and I got settled in. I worked a normal day (well...normal for the job). That night I looked at a room for rent, then drove to Fort Union for sushi with some girls from my ward. Then I drove to downtown SL to watch Downton with my friend Julie. I was still feeling broken from Jon (the guy that turned me down Sunday). Julie wanted to talk about her problems. I was exhausted and just couldn't do 'the girl talk' thing that night.
January 8th. I asked my manager what my schedule was really going to be next week since I hadn't heard anything official. She called me into her office again. Someone had given their notice. I'm working my full schedule for at least 2 more weeks (well...maybe). Then, after work...Julie's friend Brittani-a new friend of mine (who is also going through some serious heartbreak) wanted to get ice cream. I said yes. We met up and had some ice cream. We didn't really delve into everything, we just stated what was going on and that was about it. It was fine. It helped me find a little more closure on my situation as I was able to voice it. This was in Sugarhouse (which was a good 15 minute drive from work in stressful traffic). I got home feeling exhausted (I had gone to work feeling like I was getting sick-achey, chills, headache, etc). 
Tangent on that-Have a mentioned that I'm exhausted?!
I haven't had a real break since school started. I really have not had time to process what just happened this past year. I had Christmas day off and my weekends (oh wait...I worked 9 hours last Saturday), but my weekends have been busy. Church now starts at 9am so I don't even get the luxury of sleeping in on Sundays now.

Tangent over-
I showered around 9 last night and crawled in bed and fell asleep before 10. That's a BIG deal for me.

Today. Today I decided to get lunch at the Burger King that is close to my job. It is located in a truck stop that also has a Beans 'n Brews, and a Cafe. I decided to check out the cafe since I was sick of fried food. First this young thing called me sweetheart. Then she handed me a menu and told me I could keep it in my truck. .... I don't have a truck. I took a good look in the mirror after that. I am a mess. My clothes don't fit. I have a HUGE double chin. My skin is disgusting again. I look like I belong in a truck. It shouldn't have bothered me, but it hit me. HARD.

I also have to find an apartment to move into ASAP as I can tell I've overstayed my welcome at my aunt and uncle's. My aunt offered financial guidance. I don't want her to see my patheticness.
I started looking at apartments today. I don't know how I'm going to afford getting into any of them. I'll be ok with the rent once the deposit and crap is taken care of, but I just don't know what to do. I'm also freaking out because I have been alone for so long. I've developed some bad habits that I'm worried about when I move in with someone else.

Also, I had put my name up for auditioning for my old spot in the Chamber Orchestra Ogden. I haven't prepared for it. I don't have an A clarinet which is pretty important (one of the audition pieces even calls for it). I'm starting to feel I'm going to cancel this audition. It breaks my heart. But, I don't know what else to do.

This is not where I was supposed to be.

I was going to move to Missouri after I finished school. I was going to be healthier and not injured and able to work strictly massage.

Now I can't work too many hours with massage due to my F****** ankle. I was NOT going to stay in Salt Lake. If I was going to stay in Utah AT ALL I was going to go back to Ogden.

Now everything is a mess. I need to move out. I have an audition. I need to find a part time massage job (and pray that I don't fall apart). I need to lose weight. I need to be healthy again. I need to go back to the gym. I just don't want to stay here. But I feel like I'm getting sucked back in.

To say that my spirits are low is an understatement.

I was going to leave everything behind and start over.

WHY CAN'T I JUST LEAVE?!?!

3 Strikes

Today I did something that I probably should regret and may actually regret later on once it sinks in what I did...but, for now I'm glad I did what I did.

I have not been on a date in over 2 years. It's getting closer to 3 at this point. (I honestly don't even remember the last one...I'm only guessing)

Earlier this year I decided to email the person I had had a crush on for awhile and tell him how I felt. I knew that he didn't reciprocate, but I needed closure on the situation. I got the answer I was expecting (I only see you as a friend), cried (still cry every once and awhile) and got over it for the most part.

Then, halfway through the year another guy friend of mine and I had been chatting online a little bit. I enjoyed it and wasn't trying to push anything too intense on him, but I asked him out. I just wanted to go see a movie with him and was wanting to make a date out of it. He used grad school applications as an excuse to get out of that one.

Tonight I hit my third strike.

The friend I've had for awhile...the one I went on a couple of dates with a few years ago and told I didn't have any feelings for him (which was a lie...I'm not 100% honest)...the one that I got to work with for a couple of years...the one that I've been conflicted over, but still very much full of feelings for...I tried to ask him out tonight. I got the "just a friend" response.

I can't say I haven't tried here. I'm sooooo sick of this.

I'm glad I got the responses I got as opposed to nothing. I'm glad I've burned every bridge. I'm glad I know now. I'm SO glad my heart has been broken so many times.

:-/

I'm done. I'm really done. I actually feel liberated after this last rejection. I have some heart-broken tears left in me, but for the most part I'm actually very happy. I can move on with my life now. I always thought it was my education/career choices that were holding me back, but it wasn't until tonight that I felt free to do whatever I want. If I get asked out on a date I might not be able to say yes. I can't deal with this anymore.
A friend of mine posted a delightful picture on facebook tonight.

 This picture speaks volumes to me. Every time I see a guy I feel like he turns and runs the other way.

I'm so over it.

I don't need a man in my life. I don't want to be alone, but this heartbreak isn't worth it. ESPECIALLY since it's always 1-sided. I will probably never kiss a man in my life. That's ok.

As the Rascal Flatts song says-
You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand.

I'm standing.

I'm not taking it anymore!

Another Weight Issue Blog...

I, YET AGAIN, have lost some weight and turned around to gain more.

The stretch marks, the rolls, the tight clothing...it's really getting to me.
I keep trying to lose weight, but I get in my own way.
I freak out, get stressed out about something else, get sick or whatever the case may be and fall off the bandwagon after about a week of any changes made... EVERY FREAKING TIME!
I'm TIRED of being THAT person.
I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been (except for when I was about 75 pounds lighter).

(This was taken in April 2009...I weighed in around 185 and my size 16 pants were falling off in that picture)

I don't hate myself anymore, but I don't want to be this blob of a person. I want to be that confident, healthier person that looks like she can conquer the world (which is literally how I felt in that picture)
I cannot physically do the work I've been in school all year learning to do.
Besides the mental games, I have physical issues keeping me from losing weight.
I did sprain my ankle back at the end of May and still have issues (for example-yesterday in my clinic rotation I could barely walk by the end due to the spasming and cramping from my ankle to my mid-thigh and screamed in pain the entire way home). I also have tendonosis that flares up in one or both of my achilles whenever I start something up as well. My right knee also has some issues. I'm not sure what exactly (as I have no recollection of injuring it), but it swells up, and the ligaments hurt anytime I contract my quads. I also have my lower back pain that tries to get in the way as well...but I'm fairly used to it now.
So, I do have a bit of an excuse for not being terribly physically active. But that just makes it worse. And, I know if I could lose some weight, a lot of these problems would be lessened or even removed. I have had the goal of running a 5k ever since I was at that 185 mark. One time I went running around my hometown and afterwards realized I had run over 4 miles...and I wasn't even tired! I actually REALLY enjoy running. Every time I start a new exercise routine I end up in pain. And it's not minor pain that can just be ignored. It's a horrible cycle.
What I'd really like to do someday is a Ragnar. No joke!
BUT
Along with my exercise woes, I have food issues.
I eat compulsively even though I actually hate food.
When I was preparing meals on Sunday for the rest of the week I couldn't bring myself to eat them because I had no appetite. I really truly hate food (I can't live without it, I'm addicted to it, and it disgusts me all at the same time).
Maybe I need to go on The Biggest Loser.
A friend of mine up at Weber applied to be on that show. I thought for sure she would get on. I had no need to even consider going on that show because I wasn't ridiculously overweight. Now I am.
NBC....if you ever see this...PICK ME!!!! (ok...like that's going to happen...but it's worth a shot!) :)
Anyways.
I don't know why I'm posting this right now. I guess today it really hit me.
I've got some walking dvds. Maybe I'll start there.
The next 2 weeks are going to be rough as I'm working 8am to 6:30pm and going straight to school from 7pm to 10:30pm. I don't know if I'll have the umph I need to start something new, but I can't wait until school is out to start. I have to start now.
I really need a miracle.

I Miss My Music

Today I realized that the holiday season is fast approaching. Usually this time of year I'm busy being involved with one group or project or another. It used to stress me out, but I LOVED getting to be involved. Music really is at the core of my being, and I've been ignoring that.
I haven't touched my clarinet more than a handful of times since I started school-mostly for the UCMT talent show (which was a joke). I rarely get to play the piano as well. I haven't gotten to sing, other than blasting my radio in my car and singing along.
When I was at Weber I was in the institute choir, the orchestra and wind ensemble on campus and I had my church calling(s). Like I said, it was stressful, but I miss is so very much.
I MISS BEING A MUSICIAN!
I miss having my entire life run over by my involvement in music. I miss feeling like I was part of something. I miss feeling the power of music. One can listen to music anytime, but to create it yourself is a different experience altogether. And again, I MISS IT!
What I wouldn't give to be back in school at Weber with the institute choir preparing for the Christmas program. What I wouldn't give to be doing ANYTHING!
It's literally killing me right now to not be involved.
Bah!!!

Repost:The Personal Story of One Girl's Addiction to Pornography

I came across this blog post on Facebook yesterday. It comes from the blog: http://thesecondbreakfastblog.blogspot.com. I feel strongly about spreading this around and sharing it in every way possible. I have known too many people that struggle with this or something similar. Please read it. Please let it help you understand yourself (even if you don't have an addiction). Please let it help you understand those in your life that are dealing with addiction.

 

The Personal Story of One Girl's Addiction to Pornography

I have a dear friend who has struggled with a pornography addiction for seven years and who bravely agreed to let me interview her as a way to reach out and help others (both women and men) who may be struggling with a pornography addiction, as well as give insight to those who may know someone who has an addiction. She is an active member of the church and a student at Brigham Young University. This interview is for an article that will be published next year in a much-edited form, but I wanted her sincere, unabridged voice to be heard the way that I heard it. Speaking with her has touched me and has changed my perspective on sin and the Atonement, as well as having changed my life. 

(Her name has been omitted to keep her identity anonymous. "A" merely stands for "Answer.")

M: How did this all start? When did you realize that you had an addiction?

A: The first encounter I had was the summer after seventh grade. It was just on YouTube. It wasn’t super explicit or anything, but it was the first time that curiosity was aroused. Like addictions always do, it just kind of escalated. I guess I admitted I had a problem to myself in 9^th grade. The first person I told was my older brother at the end of 9^th grade. It wasn’t until a few months later that I told my mom and she encouraged me to see my bishop. I saw my bishop when I was sixteen. Then I worked with him, and then we got a new bishop, and I kept working with new bishops and leaders and told more and more people. Then, when I was 18 I went to college. When I got here, that’s when I found out about the addiction recovery group and started going to those meetings.

M: What was your family’s response?

A: They were incredible. My brother was the first person I told. He just sat me down and put his arm around me and kept telling me that it was okay. He shared experiences of his own to try to make me feel normal. He told me anything he knew that he thought would help me. He told me he wouldn’t tell anyone until I was ready. When I told my mom, I remember, it was after a young women’s activity. I was really active in young women’s. Everyone got along with me, everyone was my friend and it came really naturally to me. But I always felt really guilty, like a fat liar all the time. Leaders would always tell me how great I was. But I was like, “You don’t even know who I really am.” Everything they said was invalid because of a secret I kept. 

I got home from mutual one night. I was sitting in the kitchen, and my mom was just cleaning dishes.  I just said, “Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.” And after I told her, she just said, “That makes so much sense.” It was because I had this aversion to being touched. She always asked me if someone had been molesting me, but I said no. She said, “That makes so much sense that you would feel so… you don’t want to be violated, you don’t like being touched.” She sat me down on the couch and straight-out asked me questions, because our computer is in the family room. She said, “Aren’t you afraid that people will come in?” And I said, “Yeah, but I did it anyway.” After that, she put locks on the computer. She started checking up on me.  But she always asked me, “Do you think this will help you?” She never acted like disgusted or shocked or anything. I didn’t understand that other people’s reactions would be different. I think my mom kind of understands because she was a convert to the church as a teenager, so she’s more realistic when it comes to things in the world. 

While I was in the middle of telling her about my shame, my young women’s leader called me right at that moment. She just called to tell me how awesome she thought I was. She said she knew I wasn’t perfect, but she just really loved me and thought I was amazing. When I hung up the phone, my mom was like, “That was God speaking to you and telling you what He sees in you.” She never negated any other good thing I was doing, even though that was my natural instinct—to feel that any good thing I could do was counteracted by the bad things I did. She encouraged me to see my bishop even though I didn’t want to at all.  You technically don’t have to see your bishop, but I would definitely recommend it. She never pushed me, though. 

I decided to see my bishop. It was hard because he had been my bishop since I was eight. He was there when I got baptized. It was really hard, but it was good. He said it was a really common problem in the church, even for women. That was the first time it occurred to me that it wasn’t normal for a woman to have this problem. He said, “even women”. He kind of said it in a way that seemed like it was a man’s problem but women can sometimes have it, too. Then I realized I had never had a young women’s lesson on it. There was a lesson on media, talking about how you shouldn’t watch bad media. I remember feeling really guilty. But I remember mostly feeling really guilty because they didn’t even mention it. I felt like, “Oh, my gosh, they don’t even feel like they need to mention it.” I guess it’s just not a thing on most women’s radars… except for me. My bishop gave me an assignment of a few scriptures to read. I read all of them, and I came back and I remember he was so shocked at the work I had put into it. He said, “I’ve never seen someone work so hard.” And I said, “I really, really, really want to be over this.” 

I thought that would be it. I just kind of assumed it would go away. But it didn’t. It was really frustrating to me that I had repented so many times, since I was thirteen and I realized what I was doing was wrong, I would pray and repent and read my scriptures—I read my scriptures every single day to try to compensate, because I read that if you read your scriptures you’ll be able to overcome temptation, so I read the whole Book of Mormon when I was thirteen. I read it every single day for six months, and I was convinced that if I would do that I would be able to get over it. But I didn’t. And I felt betrayed that it didn’t work. Satan made me feel like I wouldn’t ever get over it, and that it wasn’t going to work because it wasn’t working right now. But I definitely think that, because said my prayers all the time, read my scriptures, wrote in my journal everyday—I did everything I could do to make up for what I was doing. I definitely think that it helped me. It helped me gain a testimony, like doing those things always will. It also helped prevent me from doing other, worse things I could have done, which I’m grateful for. Even though I have this addiction, I still have a testimony of the Church. If I hadn’t kept being obedient in the other areas, my addiction could have taken me off the deep end.

M: So you went above and beyond what is expected of young women as a way to try to compensate. Would you want to tell the other people who may be struggling with this that their addiction does not negate the good things that they’re doing?

A: For sure. That’s still something I’m working on every single day, something I have to tell myself over and over again. Some days there’s just a really strong... like Satan has a really good strategy. “You’ve already messed up today, so why read your scriptures? What do you think—that you’re going to be a good person because you read your scriptures?” I am a firm believer that there’s not some chalk board in heaven where they’re saying, “Good thing, bad thing, good thing…” It’s a way of life. Failure in one area of your life isn’t going to take away from all the good things that you’re doing.

M: I know we read and hear a lot about how a man’s addiction to pornography affects the women in his life and the way he sees them—because you are a woman, how do you think that affects you?

A: It’s definitely been hard. A lot of times in General Conference they’ll say this is a problem for men and women, but somehow our culture doesn’t catch up to that idea. It’s talked about all the time in priesthood. Even culturally, not in the church, there’s this idea that women are not as much sexually driven, and that it’s women’s job to fight men off. You try to make sure that you’re not a temptation for men. 

M: I was recently watching a TED talk about the difference between guilt and shame—guilt is “I did a bad thing”, shame is “I am a bad person", and I think in a religion that emphasizes good works it can be hard to differentiate between the two, which sometimes makes it hard for us to truly accept the Atonement. It’s difficult for us to realize that God’s love never wavers and our divine nature never changes.

A: The difference between guilt and shame, I think, is a huge thing. I remember one experience I had. It was my sophomore year in college. I remember I messed up again for the millionth time, and I was so frustrated with myself. I was praying, but I was yelling at anything that would listen, “Heavenly Father, how can you forgive me? I keep doing it, then I keep apologizing, but I keep doing it and then apologizing. Why do you keep buying it? I’m not even buying it anymore!” 

But then I got this overwhelming impression saying, “Stop pretending you understand how much I love you or how I can forgive you, because you never will be able to. Just trust that I can. That’s all you need to know.” 

It just hit me that we try to project our own understanding on God. We think that because we keep messing up He should stop trusting us, but that’s not how God sees it. He sees our potential and our desires. He sees everything about us, things we don’t even know about ourselves yet. So obviously, he has a different perspective on our mistakes than we do, because He’s God. We need to stop projecting our human, our tiny, tiny perspectives on Him. I feel like when we look around at the world for understanding, it often doesn’t come. That’s been really hard for me since coming to school. I go to one addiction recovery meeting a week because there’s only one I’m allowed to go to. It’s a men and women, general addiction, drugs and alcohol, eating disorders, everything like that. And it’s awesome! I love it! But it gets hard being with the people there who have normal meetings specifically for their addiction. 

I’ve called the administrative offices for addiction recovery and asked, “Are there any meetings for women?” And they say, “Yes, we have meetings for women—women who are affected by their husbands’ addictions.” But I say, “No… do you have any for women who have addictions?” And they say, “Yes, but they’re in Springville or Draper, not here at BYU. Sorry!” 

I went ahead and went to a women’s meeting, but it was all about helping women whose husbands keep messing up all the time, that they should be patient with them, don’t take it personally.  It helped a little, because I thought, “I should be patient with myself.” It didn’t help very much, though, because it was this attitude of “boys will be boys.” There’s just this idea that a woman having this problem would be appalling. Every time I go to a meeting, it’s the same: “I have an eating disorder.” Or maybe it’s self-harm, because that’s what college girls struggle with. College boys struggle with pornography addictions. They have a men’s pornography addiction meeting literally every day of the week, two, three, four times a day. And I can’t go because it says, “Men only.” It’s just so frustrating to me because I feel like for guys it’s like, “It happens a lot. Just repent.” But I know that there are girls out there who struggle with this addiction! 

You wouldn’t guess by looking at me that I have an addiction. I was on the seminary council, I went to church and mutual and the temple every week. I read my scriptures and say my prayers every day. You look at me and you think, “She has it all together.” Every time I tell people, they’re completely shocked. I know that there are other people like me that exist. I know that they’re there. It just makes me sad that they can’t come forward. I had to claw my way out to find help, I had to force people to help me. I have the kind of personality where I can do that, but some people can’t. Some people don’t have parents or a support group like I do, who will help them to not have that shame. So they’ll stay in that little shell. I went through personal counseling with a sex addiction counselor. I went online and I found an online women’s support group. For people who don’t have help like that, I honestly don’t know how they deal with the shame. Things my counselor has told me are, “Don’t be ashamed, because shame is not productive. Shame only makes addictions worse because it leads to despair, not hope.”

But about what you said before, I remember my sophomore year I had a breakdown. I was curled up in the fetal position on my couch, just crippled by my shame and despair. Not only had I been struggling with this since I was thirteen. I’d been repenting since it started. I had been seeing bishops since I was thirteen. I felt like I had been exercising faith throughout the whole thing. But my roommates came in and I didn’t want to tell them what I was going through because they weren’t the type of people who would understand. One of the girls was just so good at life and it’s so hard for her to understand weakness. She has a very “just do it” personality. The other one was kind of judgmental, someone who would look at another girl and say, “Her skirt is so short.” I didn’t feel like I could tell them, but I had an impression that I should probably tell them what was going on. After telling them, I said, “I know I’m disgusting. I know you may not want to be around me anymore.” 

My judgmental roommate said, “No, I don’t feel any differently about you.” I retorted, “I’ve heard you say that you think porn addicts are disgusting, and that you don’t want to be around them. Now you’re telling me you don’t feel any differently about me—you’re lying.” She said, “It’s different when you know them.” I said, “It shouldn’t be, because that’s who I am.” 

It’s hard because people say things like, “Porn addicts are so gross, they’re so disgusting. If I’m around them, they’re probably looking at me all weird.” They don’t understand that they are talking about people. That those people exist. That they have other things about them. I mean, yeah… I do think about sex a lot. I try not to. It’s really hard. That’s a big reason why I do have a testimony of modesty. I know how hard it is. I don’t think it’s our responsibility to dress modestly just so others won’t have bad thoughts, but, you know, whatever we can do to help each other out—that’s good. I like it when people do the same for me.

Different people’s addictions stem from different things, there’s different things about it. It’s been a long journey for me to remember that people, if they knew, they wouldn’t say things like that. It’s so hard. Satan tells you, “If people say that they love you, they’re lying to you. You’ve heard your friends say that they would never marry a porn addict. You’ve heard guys say that they want a girl who is virtuous, whose price is above rubies. And you’re not.” But that’s not how God sees it.

 M: I think this will be a good thing for people to realize, that the people they’re talking about—if they knew those people they wouldn’t feel that way. I think one thing people may not be able to understand about people who are addicted to pornography is why. For men, they like looking at naked women because it’s sexually stimulating. But for women—what is the why behind that?

A: Honestly, I don’t know. I ask myself why every single day. After a certain point, it’s not that you enjoy it—it’s that you’re crippled without it. At first, I was curious because I didn’t really know anything about sex. It was new. One thing leads to another. There are so many different things to explore. I’m just a curious person by nature. I like knowing things. I wanted to know what this was. They’ve done studies that show that pornography stimulates the same receptors in your brain that crack does. It stimulates the pleasure center in your brain. There are so many different kinds of pornography. Women are frequently addicted to romance novels because that caters to the more emotional side of things. There’s a spectrum of things that appeal to different wants and needs. It goes deeper and deeper down. I've viewed things that appealed to the side of me that likes hot guys. I've also viewed things that dealt with the desire for an emotional connection. But, at a certain point, it’s just addiction. You need something to stimulate that part of you, so you’ll just go to the next step, which makes you need it even more. Honestly, half the time, when I’m done… I’m disgusted. I can see why people would be disgusted, because it is disgusting. But you’re brain gets on that track of, “This is the only thing that will make me happy.” With drug addicts, too, after you’re done you feel horrible, you don’t even feel good. It’s just what your brain tells you you need. A lot of it isn’t even about what you’re seeing, it’s just what it evokes in your brain. Pornography has so many facets. It can get anyone on anything. There are so many ways to get you.

M: If you could give one last message for anyone who might be struggling with this or need a different perspective on this, what would that message be?

A: I have two messages—one for people who are struggling with it and one for people who want to know how to treat people who are struggling with it. 

 To people with addictions, I would say to remember that your addiction doesn’t define you. We know that God has a plan for our lives. I know that God plans for our mistakes. He knows you so well and He knows what will make you the person you need to become. Your mistakes are part of that plan. Christ can take those mistakes and make them into something positive. He doesn’t just erase them—He takes them and uses them to make you into a stronger person. I wouldn’t trade my addiction for anything. Because of it, I know without a doubt in my mind that Christ lives and that He atoned for my sins and that repentance is real. Because of this, I know Christ. When I’m down on my knees, in the pit of despair, He’s the one that comes to me. Because of this, I’ve developed compassion. Because I’m still not over it, there’s still more things that it can teach me. I don’t know what they are, but I know that I’m a much stronger person than I ever would have been without it. Allow Christ to be there for you. Don’t confuse your mistakes with who you are.

To people who want to understand more about people with addictions: They all say, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” The Atonement covers all sins. Instead of focusing on sin, we need to focus on how great the Atonement is. Focusing on how bad sin is isn’t going to help anyone—it leads to despair, hopelessness, and isolation. The most important thing is to remember that the Atonement covers all sins. Luckily for us, we don’t have to deal with the darkness of sin if we choose to focus on the light of the Atonement.