Tiger Stripes

I've been working on something...or rather, on myself lately.
The past was not kind to me and I let food be my source of comfort.
I finally got sick enough that I decided to make some changes. I had discovered the Whole30 program before Christmas and bought the book, intending to start at the beginning of the year.
Not until I became unemployed and went back to work in February did I realize it was time to act on what I had found.
At the end of March I decided to start. I didn't pick a specific day, I just realized one day I had to change, so I went to the grocery store, stocked up for the following 2 days and started the following morning. It was meant to be a change for 30 days followed by a reintroduction phase. However, after hitting day 30 I knew I wasn't ready to reintroduce anything and I didn't trust myself around my old trigger foods. Tomorrow (in about a half hour), Thursday July 20th, is day 120. I plan to reintroduce some foods after this weekend (once I have money to buy the stuff I need ha ha).
At one point I saw 290 pounds on the scale. Yesterday I saw 240. I have essentially lost 50 pounds. (I'm not sure what I count as my starting weight as I didn't weigh myself the first day.)
I'm noticing so many changes...most of them are very positive. I might be dealing with a sinus infection or something weird right now involving weird headaches...but otherwise, I haven't felt this good in years.
I've expected that my skin may start sagging soon as I'm sure the elasticity isn't there to make me look perfect.
Tonight, though, I realized the extent of the damage I've done to myself over the past few years.
Pregnant women can celebrate their stretch marks, and even some previously overweight people celebrate their stretch marks as a reminder of where they've come from.
However, tonight, I feel the need to apologize to myself.
In my massage therapy courses I learned about how stretch marks are created. Don't expect me to give you a science lesson right now...I can't relate what I was taught. However, I know that I have physically hurt myself. I was depressed, I was suffering from anxiety, I was grieving the loss of my father. My mind was hurting and so was my soul. And when those hurt, it's so unbelievably easy to hurt ourselves physically.
Trust me, I'm no stranger to this problem.
As I'm healing my body from years of bad food choices, I'm realizing so may other things that need to be healed. First and foremost, my relationship with myself.
I need to stop hurting myself.
I am worth more than that. I sometimes think I can say that I love myself now, but really, it's only at the beginning stages of a relationship. I have so much further to go. My spirit and mental health have leaps and bounds to go, but I know I can do this.

So, someday I may be proud of my 'stripes' but today I'm coming to terms with what I've done and learning to make amends. And that's ok.

Such Times

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring


I decided to revisit one of my old favorite movies, the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I'm watching the extended version, in parts. It's too long for me to sit through completely in one sitting. I'm not 20 years old anymore.

Tonight I am watching the second disk on The Fellowship of the Ring. This quote has always felt important to me. It was even the quote my class chose to put on our high school graduation invitations and program. I don't think I I ever truly grasped the meaning of it though.

Ever since my father passed away I have been struggling with the idea of death. I realize how precious life is and how easily it can be lost. I often wonder how people can take it so lightly. We only get this one chance at mortality. When I hear stories of mass murders, senseless killings, people dying out of pure stupidity and other such meaningless ends, it always affects me. I can easily get caught up in thoughts of what the real meaning of life is...especially when life is so fragile.

Then I look at the world around me these days and it's so incredibly hard not to be terrified of what may happen next. Rumors of North Korea and nuclear bombs, news reports of Russia and their hatred of our country, the wars going on in the Middle East. I could go on and on....and I haven't even mentioned the potential hazards in our own country and even here where I live, in Utah (among other things, we're ranked #2 now for worst drivers in the country).

Hearing that quote just now really struck me. J.R.R Tolkien was a wise man. I wonder if he knew this particular line would be so relevant today.

Sometimes it's so incredibly hard to want to face another day. Anxiety is real and it seems easier just to hide from all that is around. But, I have to keep reminding myself that life is meant to be lived. What is the point in hiding for the rest of my life? I have no control of the world around me. I don't know how much time I've been given.

All I have to decide is what to do with the time that is given me.

Also...

I've taken up photography...

And sketching...

It's been a LONG time...

I don't even know where to begin.

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED!

I don't necessarily want to dwell on the past. It's over with and a part of my life I'd prefer not to have to live through again.

Brief recap:

2013:
*Left Ogden for Murray and went to massage school
*Went through 4 jobs (cook at a high school, Convergys, Subway & Deseret Book)
*Dad had first stroke
*Graduated massage school

2014:
*Started working as a massage therapist at a chiropractic clinic
*Also started work at Massage Envy
*Dad had more strokes

2015:
*Turned 30
*Got 2 different job offers with massage work (tried to take both but was emotionally unable to deal)
*Dad died
*Left Chiropractic job
*Traveled to Missouri, got caught it blizzard in Wyoming...never driving east in the snow again
*Mom moved to Missouri
*Same week Grandpa died (4 months after my dad passed)
*Started having serious panic attacks

2016:
*Turned 31
*Stopped going to church
*Had moment of personal inspiration-went back to church (after half a year or so)
*Got new massage job in Bountiful
*Traveled to Missouri to see mom...more panic attacks
*Quit both jobs (massage and Deseret Book)
*Spent Christmas morning all alone (however, I loved the snow)
*Gallbladder made itself known...thought I was dying

2017:
*New roommate moved in, intended to throw out my couches and use hers (***breaking point***)
*Had legit mental breakdown
*Started therapy
*Started Whole30 eating program (down 20+ pounds as of today)
*Started running again


While this is so very much incomplete and brief, it gives you a good idea of the roller coaster I've been on.

It has been the hardest few years of my life.

Just before I moved to Murray, I was feeling pretty good about life. I had a plan, I had faith, I had friends and family all around me. Then I moved to Murray and I completely shut down. I struggled to make friends. I struggled to feel connected to the friends I made. I didn't feel like I belonged at all.
Since moving to Murray I've lost so much. I lost friends, family, and myself.

All it takes, though, is one person to show they care. And that, for me, was my bishop. Bishop Hammond spoke with the most loving and tender voice. He invited me to join his family for Christmas dinner. When I had my complete breakdown (crying uncontrollably over the thought of losing my old, broken down couches...to the point of dry-heaving...it was obviously not just about the couches), he helped me find an incredible therapist. When I was unemployed he helped me out.
He and his wife became my family. Even though I didn't spend much time with them, all it took was a pat on the shoulder for me to know how much they cared about me. And that's all it took.
I'm functioning again like a normal (well...as normal as I can be) human being....because of him and his wife.
Today we were told he is being released next week.
I feel so incredibly brokenhearted right now. I know that it had to happen sooner or later. And, I even felt like it was coming soon. But, I feel like yet again I'm losing someone. I know it doesn't have to be that way and I do want to not be angry about it. I don't want it to eat me up inside. But, I don't want to lose that love in my life. I don't have a lot of love that I can feel in my life these days.

Thankfully today I got a spark of hope in another area of my life. After the block of church meetings there was what we call a 'linger longer.' They had snacks and tables out so we could socialize. At one point I looked up and saw someone looking right at me. I made eye contact and smiled. The next thing I new, this guy was walking over to our group and he directly offered his hand and introduced himself. It was like a scene from a movie. Unfortunately, my roommate called him over and that was that. But, seriously...it was unreal. I don't know if he was just trying to be nice and make a new friend or what, but it certainly made my day.


I don't really have life figured out yet. I don't make enough money to pay my bills. I don't know how to budget myself (and stay on top of it). My car needs repairs, my hands hurt, my patience is already thin with customer service, and nothing is really all that great...but, I'm happier than I've been in a LONG time. I curl my hair again. I'm running again. I haven't had sugar in over a month. And apparently guys are noticing me again. I have so much more work to do, but now I know I'm capable of such work.





       

Dear single men of the world,

When I see your Facebook posts but questioning to the universe why you are still single...why you can't find love...so on and so forth...

Let me tell you what I want to say, EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

First of all I want to tell you you're not alone. There are so many single people just like you that it is overwhelming. Trust me on this one. 

Then I want to tell you how wonderful you are. Because let's face it...you are pretty much Mr. Incredible in my eyes. 

And then...

It might just get ugly. 

I want to scream in your face and wave my arms erratically. I want to slap you with all of the gusto I can muster. I want to throw things at you and tackle you to the ground hard enough to knock you unconscious. 

I am secretly doing this right now in my mind. 

Why, do you ask?

Because, I wish you could see how much I and those countless other single women want you to see US, the people right in front of you. 

I want you to take back your hopes and dreams of the perfect woman. 

She doesn't exist. 

However...

I exist. Those countless other women exist. 

We exist. 

We are imperfect. We aren't skinny. We don't have the perfect complexion. We may enjoy sitting on the couch just as much as we enjoy being outdoors. We may want pizza when we should be eating a salad. We aren't models. We don't have our acts together quite yet. We may never have everything figured out completely. 

But, again, we exist. Unlike this dream woman you are chasing after. 

Do you know how awesome we are?

Probably not. 

Do you know how much we would give anything (and I mean ANYTHING) to spend even just one date with you? I mean, seriously...look at how amazing you are!

Who wouldn't want to be your 'one and only'? Who wouldn't want to be by your side through thick and thin, good and bad, and all of the many highs and lows? 

Who wouldn't want to be your sweetheart and the one you want to see every morning when you wake up?

Now, I know I cannot control what you are attracted to and what turns you on. However, I know what my dream man is and I have yet to meet him. I've learned to adjust my expectations. 

Even you aren't my dream man. 

But, (and this is a big one) you are enough. 

You are so much MORE than enough!

Through my many muddled experiences I've learned a lot. 

I've learned to appreciate the better aspects of who I may end up with. 

Attraction is important, yes, but we all change. We will, ALL OF US, not be the same person we were 5, 10, 15, etc years ago (or even as recently as yesterday). Who I am attracted to has changed in ways I never thought possible. And that's ok! 

Yes, I want a man who can 'get me going' (how else am I supposed to let you create life with me?), but I also know that it's not just your 'hot body' and debonair good looks that get the job done. 

It's your spirit and soul. It's your personality. It's the way you treat me. It's the way you enjoy the things I enjoy. It's the way you hate what I hate. It's the way we may not agree on everything, but can agree to disagree. 

I wish you would see me this way as well. 

So, while you post about not being able to find love. While you go on and on about how the right one for you may not exist...

Take a minute to see the wonderful women right in front of you who would be so much more than perfect for you if only you'd broaden your horizons, open your eyes and let your heart be just a smidgen more vulnerable. 

Maybe, just maybe, you might find the love of your life was by your side the entire time. Wishing and hoping you'd notice her just once. 

Sleepless

Ever since my dad passed away I have been struggling with severe anxiety and panic attacks. The worst episode I had was while I was trying to fall asleep. 

I laid in my bed feeling so absolutely terrified that I thought I was actually losing my mind. I feared that if I did not stay awake and stay focused, I would lose my literal sanity forever. I felt out of control. I felt as if I was fighting to stay alive. I had to consciously make an effort to breathe. I didn't get much sleep that night. The only reason I did sleep at all was because my eyes just couldn't stay open any longer. 

I haven't had too many attacks as severe as that particular one, but every now and then I come close. 

Tonight is one of those nights. 

It is past 3 am now. My eyes are getting heavy. I decided to take a sleep aide this time. I have multiple essential oils difusing and have also slathered myself in oils that are supposed to help with anxiety. And yet, I still feel as if my heart is ready to stop beating. I fear that if I don't concentrate enough, I will die. 

I can't begin to express how horrifying this is. 

Breathing is a literal chore. 

I know the morning is already coming and I fear I may sleep in late enough that I will have wasted the day away. 

This is not who I want to be. I don't know why this was triggered by my dad's death, but it was and I don't know how to deal with it. 

Everyone keeps telling me to get therapy. 

Can I tell you how hard it is to even begin thinking about finding a therapist?! Oh, and I'm not insured as of right now...so paying for one is overwhelming enough to make me avoid it. 

I want to sleep soundly again 

I stayed with my mother in Missouri for a week just this past week. I wanted to visit her for her birthday. It was a good trip. 

There was only one night in which I felt only a minimal pang of anxiety. And as quickly as it came, it left. I have never been able to pass or so quickly...not since my dad died at least. 

It only took me one full day and night to return to my previous anxieties. 

I don't feel safe in my house and my mind is obviously overwhelmed with some things. 

I think the sleep aide may actually be working. This is a miracle!!!

I thought I knew what bad anxiety and insomnia were like. 

I was wrong. 

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

Having anxiety like this is like literally living in hell on earth. 

Hopefully I will be able to sleep some now. 

Goodnight!

Life has been hard

I have not posted much in a long time. 

Just under a week after my last post, my father passed away. 

Life has been so incredibly difficult. 

My father's death triggered a cyclone in my emotions, moods, and mental health. 

I'm just now starting to feel some semblance of normalcy.

However, my mother just left to move back to her hometown in Missouri yesterday. 

As we were going through many boxes stored in the shed in the backyard, I came across boxes of clothes. 

2 boxes of clothes had belonged to my dad. I pulled out one sweater that I remember vividly. I decided to hold onto it with the hopes of finding some way to turn it into a pillow or who knows. I'm sure I can find Pinterest to be of some help. 

I also found a box of my old baby clothes that my mom had held onto. 

Looking at those clothes opened up an old wound in my heart. 

I am 30 years old now and have yet to even get my first kiss, let alone get married and have kids. 

I've buried my hopes and dreams of getting married for so long and seeing those baby clothes ripped that grave wide open. 

Last night I had a dream that I had fallen love with a TV character from a show I've been binge watching lately. 

It felt so good to be in love and to feel loved. It felt so good to have a hope of getting married and starting a family. 

Nevertheless, it was sadly just a dream. 

 

I have many people saying they are there for me, but I still feel so very alone now. 

I am the least ready I have ever been in my life to let someone else in, but more than ever, I truly need to have someone in my life. 

I cannot express how hard the past few months have been. 

I almost quit doing massage. It took weeks to feel comfortable touching someone again after touching my dad's dead body. Every once and awhile I still struggle with it. 

I've gone through some serious waves of depression and anxiety. Bad enough to where I've almost taken myself to the hospital. I still can't bring myself to do anything a responsible adult should do. 

In psychology I believe the term that should be used for me is regression. I feel like I have regressed back to feeling like a child. And now with my mom gone, I just don't know what to do. 

Like I said, I'm really in no position to be in a relationship, but more than ever before I wish I had someone in my life and I wish I had my own family. 

Life is hard sometimes. 

Seriously.