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A little over a week ago my life totally turned around. I played in the orchestra for the commencement exercises at 8am. Then I went to my aparment, packed up and moved home. Saturday I slept in and brought my junk in the house and stuff. I did some laundry, and packed up again. Sunday I went to church, went home, finished packing and left for Provo. Our institute choir sang in the CES fireside. That was an amazing experience. Elder Russell M. Nelson spoke. I really had a hard time paying attention to his talk, but before the fireside even started, he came and talked to the choir. It was really cool-he shook our hands (from a distance of course) through the air. After that I got back in my car and drove to Centerville to stay with my friend Rachel. The next morning my life started on a path that it has never even attempted to go down before. I was blessed with the opportunity ton go on tour with the Choralaires and Folk Dance team from the institute. I wonder if I should even go back a little to explain the miracle that is my existence in that choir. (I think I will) A month before school started last year, I was able to get a car. This was my second car. Things had been tough that summer and I was glad to have something go right for once. Well, I was wrong. This car died about 3 times before finally giving up the ghost (bad analogy, I know) Anyways. My life was quickly going down hill. I didn't even have a place to live until a week before school started. Anyways...this is all jumbled. I wish I could paint a picture of the chaos that was going on. I was miserable. I had made up my schedule the previous spring semester. I knew that Choralaires was at a certain time and I knew that I had always wanted to audition for it, so I made the time slot available. Then, I failed a class during the summer, so I wanted to take it. The only time I could take it again was during Choralaires. I registered and thought that that was that. Well, I went to the first class and liked it. But, as I went to the bookstore, I was literally constrained on purchasing the needed books. I thought that that was odd, but I decided that I would just get them later. I wandered over to the institute and looked at the posters/commitee sign ups they have set up in the gym every year. I saw the audition list and almost put my name down. Then I thought...I need to take this other class. Then, as I was walking out, I heard a song playing on the cd player from the previous spring show. It was a song called "Rock of Ages." That song had brought a lot of comfort to me last year. So, when I heard it playing on that cd player, I felt strongly that I needed to put my name down to audition. The spirit was so strong. As the week went on, I wondered if what I had done was the right thing. I very seriously considered taking my name off the list and not even auditioning. But, I never had the chance to do it. So, the day of the audition I decided that I should be prepared. I looked through a hymn that I could sing without the music in front of me and made sure I knew the words. I went and auditioned, and went on with my day. It was not a very good audition. I have only sung a solo in front of my vocal workshop class before. Trust me, I love to sing, but I am first a clarinetist, then a pianst, and then a choral singer. I have had no formal training. I was able to sing in a large choir at BYU when I was there for band camp, but other than that, I knew very little. Needless to say, my audition was pretty shameful. But, oh well. I figured that I wouldn't even make it, so I went on. The day they posted the results, I felt a great sense of anxiety. I got off the bus and ran into a good friend of mine-Janel. She had just looked at the results. She had a big smile on her face and I just had to ask. Before she even said the words, I knew it. I had made the choir. I went to the list, saw my name and before I knew it, I was signing my initials to acknowledge that I was now a member of the choir. I knew that this meant that I would have to drop the class I was taking, but I was ok with it for some strange reason. (I need to listen to the spirit better....seriously!)
Anyways.
Choralaires was a great experience, but my life was still falling apart. Everything that could go wrong pretty much did. I know, it could've been worse, but thank heavens, it didn't. I struggled through the Christmas show. I had a basic testimony, and I was able to express it in the devotional before one of the shows, but it was almost immediately after that that things got even worse. My compuer died, my cat died, I had to do my senior recital, and it was just one thing after another that wasn't going well. I seriously considered leaving the church. My faith was weaker than a non-believer. I never denied the existence of God or His son, Jesus Christ, but I was only hanging on by a very weak thread. Choralaires was the only thing that kept me going. I guess I continued just to save face. I even thought about dropping out halfway through the semster. It was that bad. Then, a couple of weeks before the spring show, Bro. Simon called me to tell me that someone had dropped out of the tour group and was wondering if I was interested in going. I had a royal battle on this. I didn't feel good about going, but I didn't feel anything when I thought about saying no. I figured, the bad feelings were probably from Satan and the stupor of thought was my answer to saying no. (if that makes any sense) So, I told Bro. Simon yes. I won't go into details of what happened, but by the time it got to the spring show, I was fighting a fierce battle. That week I had a dress rehearsal or concert every night. I've done it before, but it is beyond exhausting. I had a band concert, orchestra concert and the spring show (and all of the 3-hour dress rehearsals to go along with them), and I had to work. Somehow I had to get 2 large papers done (yeah...I failed that class...which, ironically was the same class that I had tried to take during choralaires time...interesting...). Anyways. After the Sunday concert (concerto night...which had its own battles in and of itself...) I broke down. I asked for a priesthood blessing and things somehow felt better. It was a beautiful blessing. I don't doubt the power of the priesthood, it's real! Anyways. So, after that we had one more week and then finals. The spring show brought about a great change in my life. I was feeling the spirit strongly again and I felt happy for the first time in years. But, then came the tour. I was excited, but someone was more excited to make me miserable. My mind was so blank that entire week. I kept forgetting things and I felt so out of place sometimes when it came to the social aspect of things. There were other things that are too personal to write about. Anyways. I knew that we were planning on going to the temple on Friday. Thursday night was especially trying. We went to a house that had a trampoline. Back in y younger years I was in tumbling. I had just gotten to the point of learning back-flips, when I did one off a diving board and hit my head. So, as I was on this trampoline, I wanted to try to flip again. I knew what to do, but I had so much fear in me that I could not do it. It was a terrible feeling. Then my dear friend Elisabeth talked to me. It was like she pushed the button that let everything come gushing out. I had just barely had a priesthood blessing before the show, but I felt like I needed another one. Elisabeth helped me and asked 2 very wonderful young men to give me a blessing. It was also very beautiful. It had some things mentioned that tied into the previous blessing. Coincidence? I think not! Afterwards Elisabeth and I talked. When we went to the temple the next day, the peace and comfort that I had felt before returned to me. It was amazing. It felt so good just to be sitting in the waiting room. I opened up the Book of Mormon and read some scriptures. They were amazing and 'just happened' to be of great comfort to me as well. Anyways. On our last day of tour we went to Cove Fort. I was feeling onery and anxious to go home. I didn't want to be there (since I had already seen the place before), so I was in the attitude that it was dumb. But, as we began singing, I had an amazing experience. I will not share it, but know that it has changed a few things for me.
I am scared to go on with my life right now. I know my weaknesses and I know my habbits. I have a ton of changes to make that I do not want to do. I am by nature a lazy person with no real drive in life. I don't know what to do, but I suppose that it is a necessary thing. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel this way. The thought of going on a mission is still in my mind. There's no way I can go right now (what with the ulcer in my tummy, the cyst on my ankle and other such health issues), but I think I may yet need to go. I guess we'll see. All I know is that I am going to need a lot of help. I know one major source of help (on my knees), but I am going to need a miracle elsewhere. Anyways, my heart is full and I am truly grateful for this past week. Not only was I spiritually uplifted, but I was also socially changed (I think- I mean...I got up in front of the entire bus and imitated Bro. Simon conducting Jericho...I NEVER get up in front of people unless I have a clarinet or piano at my disposal). I had a conversation with a guy in one of the host families and it was like we had known each other or something. I've never felt that comfortable talking to a guy before. Usually I feel so insecure, stupid and (can't think of the word...grr) whatever it may be that I usually just shut up and don't say anything. (maybe that is why I have never had a boyfriend before....hmm) It was a great experience and I will never forget it. My testimony was strengthened and my life has a sense of meaning again. Heavenly Father knew that I needed to be a member of this choir. Otherwise, I would've taken the other class and maybe I would have the hope of graduating next year...oh well. That's another story.