Nerves and things...

So, I was going to write this a little earlier, but I ended up coming across one of my favorite movies on tv and had to finish it. What movie is this? Star Wars. Yes, the almighty Star Wars. And, it was the best one. Return of the Jedi. Before I go on to my real intended topic of this blog, I want to just say, the newer Star Wars movies just don't compare with the older ones. The acting, special effects and sincerity are not even comparable. I love Star Wars. At first I said that I loved it because I knew that the guy I had a huge crush on loved them as well and I wanted to have something in common with him (that got me nowhere though). Anyways. As I became more familiar with the movies, I came to love them. The battle between good and evil is irresistable. I was so excited when the new movies came out. But, the more I watch them, the more disappointed I am. The 3rd one was close, but it still is a far cry from the greatness of the original 3. Ok. Soap box over :)

Today was pretty nerve-racking. I had to subsitute-teach the 7-year old primary class. Now, I must explain the situation. There was a baby blessing in my ward today and there were many cousins visiting. My class was literally doubled and then some with these cousins. I had to teach these little ones (it started off as 8, but the class size grew to 9 before the hour was over) a lesson about prayer. It was all I could do to get them all quiet for more than one second at a time. And, there was this child that actually scared me. He had this evil look in his face. He was hitting the other children (even the visitors!). At one point he suddenly started crying. One might even compare his countenance to the boy in Toy Story (Sid??? the one that played surgeon with the toys). As he was crying he said that his stomach was hurting. I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom. He said that he couldn't without his mother there. So, I asked him if he needed to get his mother. He said no. He just sat there, tipped his head back and cried. His cry freaked me out! I mean...this child was evil! Maybe not literally....but almost! I don't know if any of the children in there knew that we were talking about prayer, but I tried. I really did. Thank heavens class time is only an hour.

Then, I had to give a talk in Sacrament meeting. Let me tell you. It has been over 4 years since I have spoken in Sacrament meeting. I was more nervous to give this talk than I was to do my senior recital, all of my band concerts and choir concerts this past year combined! It was insane! Thankfully, somehow, Heavenly Father was watching out for me and somehow I was able to talk. The kid that spoke before me didn't go his full time and my friend that was supposed to speak afterwards had told me that she didn't have that much prepared. I started off my talk thinking that I had plenty to say. Well, I saw that I still had at least 5 more minutes left and I was already on my last page of the talk that I had written out. Somehow, miraculously, words came to my mind and I was able to leave my friend with about 10 or less minutes to speak. I think I spoke for over 15 minutes. Let me tell you...this must be a world record! I really find it interesting. Not that it's a surprise, but it is just so amazing. The talk that I came up with was totally for me. It was like the past year of my life was meant to give me something to say for this talk. Or, this talk was like a capstone on the past.

It's so weird. It feels like everything has come to an end. All of the stupid, small (and large) trials have either ceased for the time-being, or I have finally learned to deal with them. I'm not sure. But, I really feel like there is nothing behind me now. I need to remember everything so I don't forget what I've learned, but I feel no attachment to anything in the past.

My brother is changing schools. I don't know why, but this is bothering me. I love him to death and I want him to be happy. I have had my jealousies, but overall, I want him to be happy. He is in Kansas right now. He was majoring in animal biology, but aparently he has changed his mind and is changing schools along with his major. He and his girlfriend are moving to Topeka for next year. I don't know what to say. At first I really liked his girlfriend, but I wonder how much control she has on him right now. He's a smart kid (smarter than me) and I don't want him to shortchange himself. Just so you know, I don't know his girlfriend too well, but what I do know of her is not bad. She is a great person. But, I have only spent a few days with her. I don't know the whole person yet. I'm mostly saying this to say that I am worried about my little brother. Although, I have to admit...I am rather jealous of him right now. He's in Kansas in the middle of tornado alley. Hehe....I'm weird. I want to see a tornado before I die, and he'll probably see one before I do. grr. :) Anyways.

Another thing that is causing me a little strife is school. I didn't do well in one class last semester and now my grades are screwed up...(not that they weren't great to begin with...but I had a 3.7 at one point...now it's a 3.1...and barely that). I screwed up big time last semester. I hope that I can still go back to school next semester. But, I honestly don't want to go back to Weber. I love my friend there, but I really hate the program up there. I know it's not right, but I really want to transfer to the U. I would have been able to get my degree in 4 years AND minor in meteorology. Oh how I wish that I could've gone there. Although, I really don't like the U. I just don't feel great when I'm there. But, there's something pulling my interests over there. I'm not sure what. I would lose everything I have up in Ogden. My friends, my reputation (not that it's something I want to keep), and my standing as principal clarinetist. I have to admit...that is the hardest thing for me to think about giving up. It's finally my time to shine, and I don't want it. What's wrong with me?! I could go to the U and study with a far superior teacher (Kathy Pope) and a better-recognized institution. Maybe I'm just scared. I've filled out the application twice to transfer, but haven't sent in everything (the transcripts and the fees...it's a lot of money if you're not serious!). Where would I go? Where would I live? Who would I meet? It would be like starting school all over again. Which, actually, might not be a bad thing for me right now since I feel so free from everything in the past. As I look at myself in the mirror I see someone that is growing up physically. But, my mentality, attitude and goals are not reaching the same levels. Ahh....I think I just need to go talk to some people at the U and see if I'm really interested in it. I am supposed to schedule a lesson with Kathy anyways. I have talked to her already about being interested in grad school...but I don't think she knows I might be interested in transferring. What a thought. Maybe I need to take that leap of faith and do something about my life that isn't quite what I want it to be.

Ok...enough of that.

We finally decided on names for the kitties. The girl is Mika (mee-ka) and the boy is Tux. We have had them in our home for a week now. I love them dearly. Tux is a sweetie and has won my heart (sorry guys... :)). Mika is a little stinker, but she has her sweet side as well. She like to beat up Tux. It's kind of funny. But, today she showed her kind side by curling up on me all day today. It's nice to have them in our home. I don't think I could survive without them. Mystie was my cat, but these 2 are more of the family cats. It's weird. I have no hope of taking either of them with me if I ever find an apartment that will let me have a cat. I could not separate them. Man I love them! :)

Tomorrow I have to drive up to Ogden to practice with my friend for her recital. This recital was supposed to happen over a year ago and I'm sick of it. I'm about ready to pay someone else to play for me. It's ridiculous-the thought of driving up to Ogden (a 2-hour drive) for a 1-hour rehearsal and then driving back (another 2 hours). I don't have that kind of money to pay for gas and I don't want to drive that much. She is my friend, but I really don't enjoy accompanying her. I really don't. She is not consistent and she doesn't count. Grr. My music is just beyond my playing abilities, so that adds to the frustrations. (yay for f# major scales in contrary motion!) Anyways. It will be over in less than a month. Happy day! So...if anyone sees this before oh...say...12 tomorrow...and you want to hang out, give me a call. I'll gladly leave earlier to join someone at the movie theater or something. My number is...435-830-8596. Although...I might have to remove this after tomorrow. Only my realy friends can call. Anyways. Too bad I don't know any hot guys that would like to go on a date. :) Well...I probably should be going to bed. Although, I'm wide awake again. It's almost 1am. I need to go. I'm becomming my usual summer insomniac self again. Grr. I didn't want to do that again. I have to work! I'm thinking about getting a second job actually. Anyways. Goodnight and may the force be with you! :)