why must I make a title every time?

It is after midnight and I am still wide awake. I suppose that I am beginning to feel a little tired, but for the most part, I'm quite awake. I was just reading a blog of a friend of mine and it got me thinking. About what, I'm not sure to be honest. But, the gears are turning. (and suddenly...they stopped as soon as I said that)
Sometimes I wish I were the type that could write something so deep and profound that all who read it would be left in a state of awe. Other times I wish that I had a love life that I could talk about (oh wait...I already did that...it filled up only one blog). And then sometimes I wish I could write poetry or such other artsy things. But, as I sit on my chair, feeling my tummy rumble, I realize that I am just plain. I may have been given some amazing gifts in my life, but overall, I am plain. You know, plain isn't so bad. It would be nice to be important, but...as I recall, my favorite mormonad when I was in Young Womens was the one that said "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice." There was another girl in my ward...named Heather (interestingly enough). I looked up to her. She was one who exemplified this statement. She was the nicest person I knew of. I didn't really know her personally, but I knew that she was nice. So, that is one thing that I have always tried to be. I, like any other person, have my successes and failures. But, sometimes I forget that I need to just be nice. Sometimes I wish I were important. And, when I say important, I mean important like...famous, rich, popular, in charge of everything, etc. I've noticed that in my moments of being 'important' I am usually unhappy. I finally made it to the top of the clarinet section at school this past year. For the past 4 years I have coveted that first chair spot. I have dreamed of playing the solos, tuning the band and leading sectionals. When I finally got the chance to do so, I almost hated it. Of course-I ended up being the top clarinet player in not just one group, but three. That caused enough stress in and of itself. I love to play solos and I love to be heard. I love to feel 'important.' But, I've noticed that no one cares when you're that important. Sometimes, it's fun to sit last chair and play nothing but off-beats. I've had some of my fondest memories in band doing just that. But, sometimes we need to be in those important positions to prove to ourselves that we can do it. I never pictured myself becomming the principal clarinetist of both bands and the orchestra. I would have laughed (actually...I think I did once) at the thought of being in those positions back in high school. As I say this, a thought pops into my mind. In that mormonad that I mentioned previously is a picture of Christ holding a child...or something like that. No matter how unimportant we may feel in this life, or if we become the most important person in this world, we still have the love of our Heavenly Father. His love makes us important. He gave His son for us...shouldn't that make us feel just a tiny bit important (if not more)? Suddenly that mormonad makes so much more sense to me. wow. It really is more important to be nice. In being nice we become more like Christ. That's all that matters.
Sometimes I worry that I may publish content in this blog that may be too personal, but right now, that doesn't matter. I grew up being very shy. Just last night I was remembering an experience at the swimming pool. The lifeguard was teasing me. He may have been flirting with me, but I was so shy and close-minded that the only thing I thought he was doing was teasing me. I shut myself off completely from people back then. I still do. So, if any of this feels uncomfortable for you to read, just don't read it. I guess this is a way for me to open up. I do so much better when I type. I can erase things and make corrections. When I talk, I make a fool of myself. I've realized that I only talk to people I'm 100% comfortable to be around. If I'm not comfortable, it's like my jaw is wired shut and my mind turns off.
Anyways...now I've made myself uncomfortable. :)
I've made a goal this summer to learn a Beethoven Sonata. I've learned the first movement of one before (somewhat at least), but I really want to learn this one. I'm going to practice it and work on memorizing it. The last piece I memorized was a piece for solo and ensemble. I forgot the last page and ran out of the room crying. I have little doubt that I would've gone to state had I remembered the last page. The judge gave me a 1-. My memory has been a constant struggle as of late and I want to memorize something. I have no idea if it will be possible in only 3 months during the summer, but I'm going to try. wow...my stomach really hurts. maybe I should go to bed. I can't even hit the keys right anymore on this keybopard. I'm not even going to change my typos now. I relly hate this keyboard (sorry...hd to correct that one...it was hard to tell what word it was). THe jkeys are hard to push and they are higher. I miss my laptop. :( Thnkfully I have a job now and maybe I can save up for a new one. *crosses fingers* hopefully :)
Ok...I really should go to bed. I need to be awake enough to read my scriptures. Yes...I am reading my scriptures again! Not that anyone knew I wasn't reading them...but it's been awhile since I've actually read them every night like this. Wow...I have too many thoughts flowing through my mind right now. I could be up all night writing. I must get some sleep so I can go to town tomorrow to maybe find another cat to bring home. I really hope I can. I think I will go mad without a furry little friend to keep me company this summer. My mom works all day and my dad is usually not coherent enough to carry on a good conversation...at least...one that doesn't irritate me. And with that, I will make an end. I had an entire paragraph written, but decided against keeping it. I hate it when I get a certain feeling in my gut that something won't go the way I wish it would. :( ah...frustration...how well I know thee.
Anyways.
This started out as such a good blog. What happened? Argh
Oh well. I really should go to bed.
I'm off to read more about Ammon and the Anti-Nephi-Lehis!
Wahoo!!!