Intimacy and the Lack Thereof

It's been a long time since I've entered anything and published any thoughts here. 
I believe 2018 was the last year I published a blog. 

A lot has happened.

So much.

I won't say much on the political climate or the global pandemic...I don't have the energy to devote to that.

Today I listened to an almost hour-long video posted by David Archuleta. 
I have always admired him and always felt a certain love for him. His later music has always struck a chord with me.

As I listened to what he said, so much emotion built up in me. I'm crying still. 

I don't have eloquence or extensive knowledge to make this a beautiful post.

He has come out as gay and was pondering on what that means for him and being a member of the LDS faith. 

I've all but resigned from the church, so it's been interesting to see his journey since coming out publicly. 

As I've distanced myself from the church more and more, the more I've been starting to allow myself to question who I am. Who I REALLY am. 

I've lost my faith in God...or at least the god that the church teaches us to believe in. 

David had such a beautiful way of saying that he came to know that God was there and that he made him that way and that he loves him exactly as who he is. I wish I had that comfort in my life. 

I've never truly questioned who I am...not until now. 
Hearing David talk was what I needed to hear to start figuring this out. 
I mean, I've been questioning off and on, half-heartedly, for a few months maybe...but never allowed myself to truly look inside myself to see what it is I need in life to be fulfilled. 

I grew up playing with my best friend...I remember many times we would play as if we were having babies. I'd shove a ball under my tshirt and pretend to go into labor and push the ball out between my legs. Then, I'd hold a baby doll. I LOVED playing this. I even remember feeling something in my belly and maybe even groin area. (I had no idea what sex or sexual feelings were....not even a little) It was exciting. I knew I wanted to be a mom and give birth to a baby.
At that point in my life, I didn't know how babies were created. I thought they just appeared. (oh young Heather...ha ha)

Another time, in elementary school, I remember playing with some other girl friends. We'd pretend to get married to one of the other girls. I remember feeling so wrong doing that. I don't even remember exactly why I felt it was wrong for girls to be with girls and so on....I just remember feeling it was so wrong. I was definitely worried we'd get in trouble though. The other girls that pretended to be married didn't seem to think anything of it. 

I also remember another time that a friend and I would kiss each other...on the cheek. It only happened a couple of times. Again...I felt it was wrong. 

In the third grade I played a lot with my brother's friends (my brother is trans and is now my sister, but my memory is of them being my brother at that time, so I am going to say that for now). They had a boys-only club and I was the only girl allowed. 

I remember thinking I had a crush on one boy, Jeffrey. I wrote him love letters and everything.

I don't even remember actually feeling attracted to him. I just really liked him. He made me laugh. (And as an adult, he is VERY attractive...at least, the last time I saw a picture of him.)

There is another memory (these are all out of order)...the one that started the whole story with Danny. We were so young...maybe 5 or 6. His family invited mine over for dinner. Danny and I played with our siblings. At one point I suddenly found myself blurting out "I love you." I still don't know what made me say that, other than I just felt like I needed to say it. 

In high school I developed a serious crush on a guy named Jon. I didn't really find myself feeling attracted to anyone or looking at people romantically. I just remember having a lesson in church about figuring out the qualities we wanted in the man we'd marry. I didn't have many things written down. 
Later, at an activity, one girl mentioned how much she looked at Jon as being the person who had the best characteristics. I was struggling with wanting to go to church at that time (I believe I had tried to stop going for almost a month). This comment about him got me thinking. 
I started paying attention to who he was and started adding characteristics I attributed to him, to my list. Then I came to the realization that if he was already this amazing person, why would he want to marry someone like me. So, I worked as hard as I knew how to, to change who I was, to be more like him. 
I had the most intense feelings for him because of this. I always claimed that he changed my life. I still think he did. He gave me a reason to grow and change. But, we never even went out on a date. Embarrassingly enough, I emailed him when he was at college and asked him to prom. He declined and I spent the next 4 or so years feeling so mad at myself and embarrassed. No other guy I met at college compared to him. I held onto those feelings until I found out he was engaged. My heart hurt so much over that. 

Through the years in college I had small crushes on guys, but only a couple of other men really stand out. Again, it always turned into a one-sided story. Jaron was someone I looked to very much like Jon. Jaron...every time I think about that story....I get filled with a lot of emotion. However, again...he got married. Then there was Jacob. We actually did go on one date. Nothing ever happened after that.

Then there was Spencer. Spencer was the most intimate I've ever been with someone. And before you get any ideas...we never even kissed. I can still feel myself get excited when I think about the chemistry we had though. He would hold my hand and EVERY SINGLE NERVE in my body would light up. My lady bits would throb, breathing was hard to keep steady....I'd shake even. It was electric. I mean it in every sense of the word. He found someone else....per usual. 

Then there was another Jon. We dated, but I felt awkward around him. The dating didn't go too far...but we did end up working together for a couple years. In that time I felt we had some chemistry. I wanted so badly for him to give me a second chance. I even asked at one point. He declined. 

Every time I try to go on a date now, however, I can't even bring myself to respond to someone. 

I think I've been hurt too many times (a massive over-generalization).

When I moved to Murray to go to massage school, things shifted for me. They've been shifting ever since. 

I had already lost my faith, but was still trying to hold on to the church in any way I could...holding out hope that I would find someone to marry in the temple and that we'd be ok after that.

There were very few men I found myself attracted to when I moved to Murray. And, the ones I found myself liking always turned out to be gay....or someone else really liked them. So, I learned to turn off my ability to get excited. 

Every man has disappointed me.

I was taught to have standards, and none of the men I knew met those. NONE.

I could dive headlong into how I see men now....that my dad hurt me and died, my brother now has better boobs than me, my grandpa died, and I have no real good men in my life. They've all left me. 

The last man in my life that I felt ok looking up to was my bishop in my mid-singles ward. He saved me at a really dark time in my life. However, he was released shortly after (abandoned again).

Unfortunately I had one bishop that actually made me very uncomfortable....he hugged me without my permission when my grandma died. Another bishop told me I needed to wear lipstick...saying something about my lips. It unnerved me then and only gets worse over the years. 

I had one massage client that I began having similar feelings towards....of being able to look up to and respect and hold onto as a father figure (totally not ok as a paying client)....but after many sessions of hearing him talk, he never listened to me and triggered feelings I had about my dad...that he didn't trust me.

I have been kissed only once in my adult life. I liked the guy enough. Phil. We went on one date. Then he ghosted me.

I've been getting sucked into the TikTok world and seeing lots of lesbian posts. I also have one friend who told me she was lesbian (she's actually been very instrumental in helping me progress out of the church). I've also been reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle.

To say I'm questioning things now is an understatement. 

I don't know if I'm sexually attracted to women....but I know I actually feel jealous of any gay woman I've come across. I see my friend, Ginny, and how happy she is now that she's out and living a more fulfilled life. I read the words of Glennon and wonder if I'd ever had the guts to do what she did for love.
And then I hear David Archuleta and I feel a longing to come to the conclusions he has...that he deserves love just like anyone else.

I do masturbate and prefer penetration (even though it hurts a lot). I do watch some porn and prefer imagining I'm the woman getting it from a man. But, the men usually creep me out. 

I'm coming to the realization that I genuinely don't like men. I get nervous when they're on my massage table. I hate hearing most of what they say when they're on my table. 
Most of the men in my life have rejected and/or abandoned me. 

If only women had penises I guess. I find women attractive in every way, except sexually. 

(Let's be honest, though, I can't picture myself ever being intimate with anyone at this point,  as much as I want to experience that.)

All of this being said...I talked to my therapist about it a little bit this week (not knowing how triggered I'd be after listening to David's video today). She mentioned just meeting it all as it is.

I don't know who or what I am at this point. I know I am lacking something in my life. I am also seriously lacking connection and intimacy. I want both of those thing so much it hurts. There is still a tiny part of me that wants to be a mom. 
However, I'm too scared at this point to allow any of it to happen. 
And, for now, that's how it has to be. 
I'm working on being ok with that. 

I want to do more reading and learning and hear more people talk about their experiences. I want to know I'm not alone.
I want a meaningful relationship in my life...so much. But, I'm not ready.

And I have to be ok with that. I am what and who I am in this moment, despite not fully knowing or understanding. 

You Never Forget When...

It's been more than a year since I've posted anything.

The past year has been a whirlwind. I still haven't accepted the fact that it's 2018. And here we are...it's almost 2019. There's snow on the mountains and the leaves are starting to fall to the ground.

The political climate has been something I've avoided delving into. Talk of people in power getting sworn into office not even half a week after everything in the news was about him getting accused of sexual assault. It makes me sick. We will never know if the accuser(s) were being honest, or making up stories to ruin a political career.

I personally have chosen not to pick a side. Why?

Because no one wins either way.

If this man was innocent, he will live with this accusation for the rest of his life and no one will ever fully be able to trust him. And, the accuser will have added fire to the flame of why no one takes sexual harassment accusations seriously.

If he was guilty, then it will be a stain on our already defaced country. Women all across the country have been hurt, and this just rams the sword in afresh and deeper.

Like I said, I am not taking sides. I wasn't there. I don't know. I don't trust anyone anymore, especially in politics.

However, I do have one thing to say, from personal experience.

A lot of people say this woman couldn't be capable of remembering the details of something that happened so many years ago.

Let me tell you, when someone touches you without your permission, not matter how long ago, YOU WILL REMEMBER EVERY DAMN DETAIL.

I am 33 years old.

Let me take you back to when I was in grade school. I don't remember which grade specifically. I know I was young enough to be on the small playground (which was grades K-3), and I wasn't in the oldest class on that side of the building. So, I was most likely in first or second grade.

I don't remember why, but I was walking back into the school building during recess. I probably needed to use the restroom. But, that's when my story happened.

There was a student in our school that was the kind of student that really couldn't communicate and had an aide with him almost always. He was in the class above me for most of my life and had probably been held back many more years. He eventually did graduate from high school, but at least another full year after I did.

I actually don't know what his disability was exactly, but he definitely was disabled. I'm not sure how much he really knew at that point in his life.

I was young enough to not know what sex was. I didn't know my vagina was for anything else other than the area where my pee came out of. I knew it was the area called 'private parts,' but I didn't understand why fully.

Now that you have a better picture of the circumstances...1st or 2nd grade naive girl and a mentally disabled boy...

I was walking up the steps to go back into the building when I was confronted by this boy.

He reached out his hands...if they were out to the side it would've looked like he was trying to hug me. However, his hands were not horizontal. One hand found its way to my head or shoulders and the other hand found its way directly to my crotch.

I don't know what he was trying to do. I was clueless. However, to this day, I remember vividly the setting and the feelings. I remember the important details.

My clothes were on, he didn't exactly fondle me, but he definitely touched me where he wasn't supposed to, and I had not given permission for such a thing.

I've been reminded of this event from time to time, but not until this past week as I've been working on some personal growth have I felt so much concerning this event.

This was more than 20 years ago. I was a CHILD! A scared, naive one at that.

Everything has been coming to the surface concerning this experience lately.

So, to say that someone can't remember something that happened 18 years ago is total and utter bullshit!!!!

I have the worst memory, but I remember that experience VIVIDLY. When someone does something like that, you don't forget.

Again, I am not saying I believe or don't believe this woman, I just know that if something really did happen to her, there's no way in hell she'll ever forget it. EVER.

It is a sad world we live in when something so severe is brushed under the carpet so easily.

I have to believe, more than ever, that where we fail as humans, God will serve the ultimate justice...whether in this life or the next. And I mean that for both sides.

Tiger Stripes

I've been working on something...or rather, on myself lately.
The past was not kind to me and I let food be my source of comfort.
I finally got sick enough that I decided to make some changes. I had discovered the Whole30 program before Christmas and bought the book, intending to start at the beginning of the year.
Not until I became unemployed and went back to work in February did I realize it was time to act on what I had found.
At the end of March I decided to start. I didn't pick a specific day, I just realized one day I had to change, so I went to the grocery store, stocked up for the following 2 days and started the following morning. It was meant to be a change for 30 days followed by a reintroduction phase. However, after hitting day 30 I knew I wasn't ready to reintroduce anything and I didn't trust myself around my old trigger foods. Tomorrow (in about a half hour), Thursday July 20th, is day 120. I plan to reintroduce some foods after this weekend (once I have money to buy the stuff I need ha ha).
At one point I saw 290 pounds on the scale. Yesterday I saw 240. I have essentially lost 50 pounds. (I'm not sure what I count as my starting weight as I didn't weigh myself the first day.)
I'm noticing so many changes...most of them are very positive. I might be dealing with a sinus infection or something weird right now involving weird headaches...but otherwise, I haven't felt this good in years.
I've expected that my skin may start sagging soon as I'm sure the elasticity isn't there to make me look perfect.
Tonight, though, I realized the extent of the damage I've done to myself over the past few years.
Pregnant women can celebrate their stretch marks, and even some previously overweight people celebrate their stretch marks as a reminder of where they've come from.
However, tonight, I feel the need to apologize to myself.
In my massage therapy courses I learned about how stretch marks are created. Don't expect me to give you a science lesson right now...I can't relate what I was taught. However, I know that I have physically hurt myself. I was depressed, I was suffering from anxiety, I was grieving the loss of my father. My mind was hurting and so was my soul. And when those hurt, it's so unbelievably easy to hurt ourselves physically.
Trust me, I'm no stranger to this problem.
As I'm healing my body from years of bad food choices, I'm realizing so may other things that need to be healed. First and foremost, my relationship with myself.
I need to stop hurting myself.
I am worth more than that. I sometimes think I can say that I love myself now, but really, it's only at the beginning stages of a relationship. I have so much further to go. My spirit and mental health have leaps and bounds to go, but I know I can do this.

So, someday I may be proud of my 'stripes' but today I'm coming to terms with what I've done and learning to make amends. And that's ok.

Such Times

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring


I decided to revisit one of my old favorite movies, the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I'm watching the extended version, in parts. It's too long for me to sit through completely in one sitting. I'm not 20 years old anymore.

Tonight I am watching the second disk on The Fellowship of the Ring. This quote has always felt important to me. It was even the quote my class chose to put on our high school graduation invitations and program. I don't think I I ever truly grasped the meaning of it though.

Ever since my father passed away I have been struggling with the idea of death. I realize how precious life is and how easily it can be lost. I often wonder how people can take it so lightly. We only get this one chance at mortality. When I hear stories of mass murders, senseless killings, people dying out of pure stupidity and other such meaningless ends, it always affects me. I can easily get caught up in thoughts of what the real meaning of life is...especially when life is so fragile.

Then I look at the world around me these days and it's so incredibly hard not to be terrified of what may happen next. Rumors of North Korea and nuclear bombs, news reports of Russia and their hatred of our country, the wars going on in the Middle East. I could go on and on....and I haven't even mentioned the potential hazards in our own country and even here where I live, in Utah (among other things, we're ranked #2 now for worst drivers in the country).

Hearing that quote just now really struck me. J.R.R Tolkien was a wise man. I wonder if he knew this particular line would be so relevant today.

Sometimes it's so incredibly hard to want to face another day. Anxiety is real and it seems easier just to hide from all that is around. But, I have to keep reminding myself that life is meant to be lived. What is the point in hiding for the rest of my life? I have no control of the world around me. I don't know how much time I've been given.

All I have to decide is what to do with the time that is given me.

Also...

I've taken up photography...

And sketching...

It's been a LONG time...

I don't even know where to begin.

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED!

I don't necessarily want to dwell on the past. It's over with and a part of my life I'd prefer not to have to live through again.

Brief recap:

2013:
*Left Ogden for Murray and went to massage school
*Went through 4 jobs (cook at a high school, Convergys, Subway & Deseret Book)
*Dad had first stroke
*Graduated massage school

2014:
*Started working as a massage therapist at a chiropractic clinic
*Also started work at Massage Envy
*Dad had more strokes

2015:
*Turned 30
*Got 2 different job offers with massage work (tried to take both but was emotionally unable to deal)
*Dad died
*Left Chiropractic job
*Traveled to Missouri, got caught it blizzard in Wyoming...never driving east in the snow again
*Mom moved to Missouri
*Same week Grandpa died (4 months after my dad passed)
*Started having serious panic attacks

2016:
*Turned 31
*Stopped going to church
*Had moment of personal inspiration-went back to church (after half a year or so)
*Got new massage job in Bountiful
*Traveled to Missouri to see mom...more panic attacks
*Quit both jobs (massage and Deseret Book)
*Spent Christmas morning all alone (however, I loved the snow)
*Gallbladder made itself known...thought I was dying

2017:
*New roommate moved in, intended to throw out my couches and use hers (***breaking point***)
*Had legit mental breakdown
*Started therapy
*Started Whole30 eating program (down 20+ pounds as of today)
*Started running again


While this is so very much incomplete and brief, it gives you a good idea of the roller coaster I've been on.

It has been the hardest few years of my life.

Just before I moved to Murray, I was feeling pretty good about life. I had a plan, I had faith, I had friends and family all around me. Then I moved to Murray and I completely shut down. I struggled to make friends. I struggled to feel connected to the friends I made. I didn't feel like I belonged at all.
Since moving to Murray I've lost so much. I lost friends, family, and myself.

All it takes, though, is one person to show they care. And that, for me, was my bishop. Bishop Hammond spoke with the most loving and tender voice. He invited me to join his family for Christmas dinner. When I had my complete breakdown (crying uncontrollably over the thought of losing my old, broken down couches...to the point of dry-heaving...it was obviously not just about the couches), he helped me find an incredible therapist. When I was unemployed he helped me out.
He and his wife became my family. Even though I didn't spend much time with them, all it took was a pat on the shoulder for me to know how much they cared about me. And that's all it took.
I'm functioning again like a normal (well...as normal as I can be) human being....because of him and his wife.
Today we were told he is being released next week.
I feel so incredibly brokenhearted right now. I know that it had to happen sooner or later. And, I even felt like it was coming soon. But, I feel like yet again I'm losing someone. I know it doesn't have to be that way and I do want to not be angry about it. I don't want it to eat me up inside. But, I don't want to lose that love in my life. I don't have a lot of love that I can feel in my life these days.

Thankfully today I got a spark of hope in another area of my life. After the block of church meetings there was what we call a 'linger longer.' They had snacks and tables out so we could socialize. At one point I looked up and saw someone looking right at me. I made eye contact and smiled. The next thing I new, this guy was walking over to our group and he directly offered his hand and introduced himself. It was like a scene from a movie. Unfortunately, my roommate called him over and that was that. But, seriously...it was unreal. I don't know if he was just trying to be nice and make a new friend or what, but it certainly made my day.


I don't really have life figured out yet. I don't make enough money to pay my bills. I don't know how to budget myself (and stay on top of it). My car needs repairs, my hands hurt, my patience is already thin with customer service, and nothing is really all that great...but, I'm happier than I've been in a LONG time. I curl my hair again. I'm running again. I haven't had sugar in over a month. And apparently guys are noticing me again. I have so much more work to do, but now I know I'm capable of such work.





       

Dear single men of the world,

When I see your Facebook posts but questioning to the universe why you are still single...why you can't find love...so on and so forth...

Let me tell you what I want to say, EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

First of all I want to tell you you're not alone. There are so many single people just like you that it is overwhelming. Trust me on this one. 

Then I want to tell you how wonderful you are. Because let's face it...you are pretty much Mr. Incredible in my eyes. 

And then...

It might just get ugly. 

I want to scream in your face and wave my arms erratically. I want to slap you with all of the gusto I can muster. I want to throw things at you and tackle you to the ground hard enough to knock you unconscious. 

I am secretly doing this right now in my mind. 

Why, do you ask?

Because, I wish you could see how much I and those countless other single women want you to see US, the people right in front of you. 

I want you to take back your hopes and dreams of the perfect woman. 

She doesn't exist. 

However...

I exist. Those countless other women exist. 

We exist. 

We are imperfect. We aren't skinny. We don't have the perfect complexion. We may enjoy sitting on the couch just as much as we enjoy being outdoors. We may want pizza when we should be eating a salad. We aren't models. We don't have our acts together quite yet. We may never have everything figured out completely. 

But, again, we exist. Unlike this dream woman you are chasing after. 

Do you know how awesome we are?

Probably not. 

Do you know how much we would give anything (and I mean ANYTHING) to spend even just one date with you? I mean, seriously...look at how amazing you are!

Who wouldn't want to be your 'one and only'? Who wouldn't want to be by your side through thick and thin, good and bad, and all of the many highs and lows? 

Who wouldn't want to be your sweetheart and the one you want to see every morning when you wake up?

Now, I know I cannot control what you are attracted to and what turns you on. However, I know what my dream man is and I have yet to meet him. I've learned to adjust my expectations. 

Even you aren't my dream man. 

But, (and this is a big one) you are enough. 

You are so much MORE than enough!

Through my many muddled experiences I've learned a lot. 

I've learned to appreciate the better aspects of who I may end up with. 

Attraction is important, yes, but we all change. We will, ALL OF US, not be the same person we were 5, 10, 15, etc years ago (or even as recently as yesterday). Who I am attracted to has changed in ways I never thought possible. And that's ok! 

Yes, I want a man who can 'get me going' (how else am I supposed to let you create life with me?), but I also know that it's not just your 'hot body' and debonair good looks that get the job done. 

It's your spirit and soul. It's your personality. It's the way you treat me. It's the way you enjoy the things I enjoy. It's the way you hate what I hate. It's the way we may not agree on everything, but can agree to disagree. 

I wish you would see me this way as well. 

So, while you post about not being able to find love. While you go on and on about how the right one for you may not exist...

Take a minute to see the wonderful women right in front of you who would be so much more than perfect for you if only you'd broaden your horizons, open your eyes and let your heart be just a smidgen more vulnerable. 

Maybe, just maybe, you might find the love of your life was by your side the entire time. Wishing and hoping you'd notice her just once. 

Sleepless

Ever since my dad passed away I have been struggling with severe anxiety and panic attacks. The worst episode I had was while I was trying to fall asleep. 

I laid in my bed feeling so absolutely terrified that I thought I was actually losing my mind. I feared that if I did not stay awake and stay focused, I would lose my literal sanity forever. I felt out of control. I felt as if I was fighting to stay alive. I had to consciously make an effort to breathe. I didn't get much sleep that night. The only reason I did sleep at all was because my eyes just couldn't stay open any longer. 

I haven't had too many attacks as severe as that particular one, but every now and then I come close. 

Tonight is one of those nights. 

It is past 3 am now. My eyes are getting heavy. I decided to take a sleep aide this time. I have multiple essential oils difusing and have also slathered myself in oils that are supposed to help with anxiety. And yet, I still feel as if my heart is ready to stop beating. I fear that if I don't concentrate enough, I will die. 

I can't begin to express how horrifying this is. 

Breathing is a literal chore. 

I know the morning is already coming and I fear I may sleep in late enough that I will have wasted the day away. 

This is not who I want to be. I don't know why this was triggered by my dad's death, but it was and I don't know how to deal with it. 

Everyone keeps telling me to get therapy. 

Can I tell you how hard it is to even begin thinking about finding a therapist?! Oh, and I'm not insured as of right now...so paying for one is overwhelming enough to make me avoid it. 

I want to sleep soundly again 

I stayed with my mother in Missouri for a week just this past week. I wanted to visit her for her birthday. It was a good trip. 

There was only one night in which I felt only a minimal pang of anxiety. And as quickly as it came, it left. I have never been able to pass or so quickly...not since my dad died at least. 

It only took me one full day and night to return to my previous anxieties. 

I don't feel safe in my house and my mind is obviously overwhelmed with some things. 

I think the sleep aide may actually be working. This is a miracle!!!

I thought I knew what bad anxiety and insomnia were like. 

I was wrong. 

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

Having anxiety like this is like literally living in hell on earth. 

Hopefully I will be able to sleep some now. 

Goodnight!

Life has been hard

I have not posted much in a long time. 

Just under a week after my last post, my father passed away. 

Life has been so incredibly difficult. 

My father's death triggered a cyclone in my emotions, moods, and mental health. 

I'm just now starting to feel some semblance of normalcy.

However, my mother just left to move back to her hometown in Missouri yesterday. 

As we were going through many boxes stored in the shed in the backyard, I came across boxes of clothes. 

2 boxes of clothes had belonged to my dad. I pulled out one sweater that I remember vividly. I decided to hold onto it with the hopes of finding some way to turn it into a pillow or who knows. I'm sure I can find Pinterest to be of some help. 

I also found a box of my old baby clothes that my mom had held onto. 

Looking at those clothes opened up an old wound in my heart. 

I am 30 years old now and have yet to even get my first kiss, let alone get married and have kids. 

I've buried my hopes and dreams of getting married for so long and seeing those baby clothes ripped that grave wide open. 

Last night I had a dream that I had fallen love with a TV character from a show I've been binge watching lately. 

It felt so good to be in love and to feel loved. It felt so good to have a hope of getting married and starting a family. 

Nevertheless, it was sadly just a dream. 

 

I have many people saying they are there for me, but I still feel so very alone now. 

I am the least ready I have ever been in my life to let someone else in, but more than ever, I truly need to have someone in my life. 

I cannot express how hard the past few months have been. 

I almost quit doing massage. It took weeks to feel comfortable touching someone again after touching my dad's dead body. Every once and awhile I still struggle with it. 

I've gone through some serious waves of depression and anxiety. Bad enough to where I've almost taken myself to the hospital. I still can't bring myself to do anything a responsible adult should do. 

In psychology I believe the term that should be used for me is regression. I feel like I have regressed back to feeling like a child. And now with my mom gone, I just don't know what to do. 

Like I said, I'm really in no position to be in a relationship, but more than ever before I wish I had someone in my life and I wish I had my own family. 

Life is hard sometimes. 

Seriously. 

Me

I want to run. 

I want to explore the mountains close to me and the pathways across the sea. 

I want to sing. 

I want to play the symphonies of the greatest and put myself to the test. 

I want to love. 

I want to be a wife and a mother, a more understanding friend and a better daughter. 

I want to improve. 

I want to conquer my fears and not be so scared of the potential I've shown throughout the years. 

I want to believe. 

I want the courage to face my doubts and to truly comprehend what life is really about. 

I want to be more. 

I want to step forward, never back and be grateful for all I have. 

However. 

I am me. 

I'm imperfect in every way, but I'll keep learning, day by day. 

A poem...rough draft

Lately I've been pondering who I am and what I stand for. And by lately, I mean I've been pondering this for a long time. 

I've discovered that I easily change who I am and what I stand for based on who I am around. When I'm alone, I tend to not know who I really am. Maybe that's why I struggle with being a lone so much nowadays. If I'm not around someone I have no sense of self. 

It is commonly said that we must find out who we are before we can find someone else to spend the rest of our lives with. 

If I don't know who I am, how is someone supposed to love me as there isn't a real me to love just yet. 

Often I feel like a chameleon. 

My colors change as my backdrop changes. 

I wanted to do a freestyle writing on my thoughts and feelings about this and I came up with a little poem of sorts. 

I wanted to share it. 

Maybe someday I'll have more. Maybe not. 

What are my colors?

Am I black and white, knowing what's right?

Am I pale and pink, beautiful but weak?

Or am I red? I've got something to be said. 

Am I blue or green, solid and sure?

Or Am I Orange and fiery? 

Maybe I'm purple,

Made of royalty. 

Am I fuchsia, with no fear of who I am?

Or Am I yellow, Daring to compete with the sun?

Am I a rainbow, a little of everything? Or am I a chameleon that changes from day to day? 

A rock is steady and grey, who am I at the end of the day?

What are my colors? 

Contemplating Mortality

A few years ago my orchestra and duet buddy, Tanner Holst, passed away unexpectedly. I had never experienced death so closely before. This was someone I saw every day. We spent hours together playing duets in practice rooms and even had a small performance in master class. We sat next to each other in orchestra as I was principal clarinet and he was principal bassoon. I even had a small crush on him (which was ridiculous since he was still a teenager and I was in my mid twenties). 

His passing nearly killed me. 

I couldn't imagine life...music...without him. He was the one that made me want to be more. With his death began the slow death of my love of clarinet. 

I still cry if I think too much about it. 

However, when he passed, my feelings of sorrow were very much based on seeing a life shortened suddenly and how unfair it was to see someone so amazing not get to be alive anymore. 

Then my grandmother passed away. 

Her death was more expected. She had suffered from Alzheimer's and we knew the end was coming long before it made its final round. 

I was not as close to my grandmother as I should have been, but I loved her and I definitely miss her. I knew she had lived a good life and despite it ending sooner than we would have liked, her life was worth something. 

Her death began my questioning on the lifelong belief that families are eternal and that I will see her again. This was the beginning of the war on my faith that I am still fighting (and very much losing at this moment) to this day.

Then my former Bishop and husband to my childhood piano teacher passed away a few months later. He had also lived a good life. He lost a battle with cancer sadly, but he was still a good person to his last days as far as I know. 

He was such an example to me and such an important person in my formative years in high school. It was so very sad to see him leave mortality, but it seemed right that he left when he did. 

After these deaths my life was changed drastically. Each death brought a new trial and lesson to be learned. 

But, until now, I have never truly contemplated mortality and what it really means to die. 

Despite any religious beliefs...whether or not you believe in life after death...whether or not there is a spirit that continues on after the mortal body has rotted and decomposed...

Once you die, you are dead. 

I know, this is highly philosophical here. (Sarcasm)

Let me explain more. 

My dad is in his last few weeks of life here on this planet. Soon he will cease to exist as a living human being. Soon he will be a rotting corpse 6 feet in the ground. 

For me, my dad stopped being my dad a long time ago. We have not had a great relationship. Pride and selfishness dug a wedge between us while I was still in high school and despite efforts to move past it, I still have a lot of hard feelings towards him. I don't feel love and compassion when I think of my father. While others feel pity and sadness for him, I feel hurt, bitterness and anger. 

With his mental state now it's too late to attempt to mend the relationship. He didn't even comprehend who I was when I was there for Thanksgiving last week. 

To him I was 'The Piano Player.'

Despite our broken relationship and the fact that it will be a relief when he passes (he is suffering as well as my mother who has had to endure his many issues throughout life)...I am still brought to a dead silence when I ponder the fact that he will no longer exist in this life. 

His passing means freedom on so many levels. He will not be in pain anymore. He will not have to suffer from another seizure. He will not have to depend on anyone else to help him eat, drink, or go to the bathroom. He will be free. 

To my mom it means freedom from being a caretaker. She will be free to live her life again, before it was consumed with basically babysitting my father every day. 

To my brother it means freedom from his own demons in his relationship with our father. 

To me it means freedom to leave this state (as I am not a fan of flying and did not want to have to fly out for his funeral, which we knew would be soon. Not this soon, but soon nevertheless). It means freedom from feeling anxiety every time I visit my hometown. It means freedom from not feeling trusted (however I lost his trust is beyond me, but it's the honest truth; my father does not trust me). It means freedom from so many things. 

Yet, it also means I failed to be a good person. It means I was unable to mend our broken relationship. It means I was too selfish and too proud to move past the hurt and anger I feel. It means I failed. 

We BOTH failed.  

When I look back on my father's life I think of the word tragedy. 

If his life were a Shakespeare play, it would have been a tragedy. 

All he ever knew was pain and sadness. 

I rarely remember him being happy. I don't know that he ever was really happy. Most of his conversations either consisted of childhood stories when not so good things happened (unless they involved his friend Patrick), or they were complaints of things at work or church. 

Or he talked about the books he was reading or the movie he had recently watched. 

When I reflect on the life my father lived I do not see a person that rose above the muck. I see a person that barely managed to keep his head above water...or rather, the mud...because it wasn't clear and beautiful as water is. 

I see a sad, depressed, tragic life. 

So, when I contemplate his no longer existing, I wonder what was his purpose. Why was he allowed to live his life? Why was he my father? Why did his life crumble underneath him when it was already struggling to stay together? 

Why? 

What is the purpose in all of this? 

I suppose having faith in this situation is a  necessity, but I don't have much faith. 

My religion believes in eternal families. 

No one in my family is qualified to be together eternally. I don't know that I want to be with my father forever. The relationship is THAT bad. 

So, what's the point in believing in eternal families? I may get to see them again once we all pass, but the bonds made in the temple sealing have been broken. 

So, again, I ask...what was the point of his life? 

What will happen to his soul once he is freed from his poor, sad, pathetic mortal body? What will happen to those of us left behind?

Will there ever be healing in this broken family? 

In only a few weeks he will be dead. 

He will cease to exist. 

What the hell?!?!?!?

Blog Challenge Day 12

Hey! I didn't forget to blog today (although, it is past midnight...oops!)

Your proudest accomplishment

This is a tough one.

There is a moment I should be most proud of...playing a solo in a concert on the stage at Carnegie Hall...but that's really not my proudest moment. It was awesome and so amazing and every musician's dream. But, it wasn't my dream (which kills me to say, as I'm sure so many other musicians in my group would have done anything to be heard for 2 lines of music in that most brilliant of concert halls).

My proudest accomplishment, however grand though, has a lot of negative feelings attached to it, so I tend to not think of it as a moment of pride. But, I do take pride in it nevertheless.I'm sure I sound so completely backwards here. Trust me, I know.

I've already mentioned it in another post, so I won't dive into it too much here.

Walking across the stage to receive my awards and diploma for finishing massage school was my greatest accomplishment thus far in my life.

That year in school nearly killed me, and to finish, not only JUST finish, but get a 4.0 GPA, 100% attendance, and be a member of the High Five Club is what keeps me going when I wonder what the heck I was thinking. Even now I sometimes wonder why I went through so much stress and why I'm doing what I do for a career. Knowing that I accomplished those things, for some reason that I cannot explain, keeps me going. I worked my butt off during that hellish year of my life and it was nice to have something to show for it.

Blog Challenge Days 10-11

There's a link in this post and I can't get it to copy the way it needs to, so I'm just posting the link to my other blog.

http://singleandneverbeenkissed.blogspot.com/2014/10/blogging-challenge-days-10-11_19.html

Blog Challenge Days 5-9

The battery on my laptop exploded and it took me until today to try my laptop again. It's not overheating nearly as much now without a battery in it. And it's much lighter now. I should've taken that thing out a long time ago!

Anywho, I'm very behind on my blogging challenge posts, so I'll try to get caught up now...

5-The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

I honestly don't know what people conceive about the single life these days, so I really don't have a response to this. Most of the people I interact with are single or are my age and see things the same as I do.
I know that the media portrays it as empowering and tragic at the same time. So, it's really hard to even know what to say. So, I'll be a bum and leave it at that.

6-Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

I've never heard this quote until now. I think it's absolutely ridiculously and a farce. I am single and want a love life more than anything in the world, but for some reason it has not happened to me yet. I've had small glimpses, but never a real love life. (I've never been kissed, remember?)  I believe in God and believe (as hard as it is to admit it) he has guided me to this point in my life and the love life he wants for me hasn't happened yet. One day, the love life I want will align to the will of my Father in Heaven and it will happen when it is supposed to.  

7-Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

I am nowhere NEAR where I thought I would be at this point. 10 years ago I was one year into schooling to become a high school band director. I had plans of serving a mission and getting married before I was 24. I had envisioned myself as being a stay-at-home mom and teaching piano lessons at home like my mom did.

I didn't go on a mission, I didn't become a high school band director (I majored in performance instead of education and then later became a massage therapist) and obviously I didn't get married and become a stay-at-home mom. As much as it pains me to not be where I wanted to be, I wouldn't give up the lessons I've learned. I know now I am far better prepared to be a wife and mother now than I ever imagined I could be 10 years ago. I cringe at what my family would have had to endure with me being the person I was back then. 

8-Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

I hate doing these 'lists.' But, I will oblige for this blog post, and since I only get to list 5, I will be very careful. The 5 most important things in a future mate to me are (in no particular order):
     1~The same religious beliefs (I want to be able to see eye-to-eye on as many things as possible, especially religious beliefs)
     2~Honesty
     3~Forgiving/Understanding of my imperfections
     4~Educated/Intelligent
     5~Generally Happy/Good attitude (Life happens and it's not all sunshine and rainbows, I get that as I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but a good attitude makes a huge difference)
It's hard to narrow it down to just 5. Harder than I thought. Phew!

9-Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)

Apparently everything about me is weird as I've come to learn from even my best friends. But, probably my favorite thing to do is dance around in my bedroom with music turned up loud on my headphones, or on the speakers if no one else is home (I do have roommates that might not appreciate the noise). 

These responses are short and I'm not sure if they merit the title of "Blog" but, there you go. Tomorrow is day 10!

Blog Challenge Day 4

So...it's past midnight, but I'm still awake...it's still technically Sunday...right???? :-)

Your biggest fear as a single person.

My biggest fear, as with anyone else, is that I will never get married and have a family of my own. 

I have always wanted to be a mother. I desperately do not want to be alone for the rest of my life as well. The world is becoming a scary place. Wars, viruses, politics, etc. are common day news now. Not having someone beside you...not having loved ones close by...it's terrifying! 

Who wants to face such a future without someone by their side?

I know I don't. 

This is a rather short response because it speaks for itself. 

Blog Challenge Day 3

I almost forgot to post today. The battery on my laptop decided to explode, so I am confined to my phone until further notice. I've also been sick all day long fighting off a possible flu bug. So, hopefully I can finish this before midnight. 

Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

I don't know that there has been one specific moment where being single has been awesome. 

I find that I am grateful to be single when I hear about my friends going through divorces or dealing with problems with their kids. And then there are the moments when I realize how free I am to do anything I want. 

Feeling the way I do right now I don't think I'll write much more on this unfortunately. I'm not feeling terribly thoughtful. 

Reality

Today I got a text from my mom about my dad. 

Despite the insurance companies turning down the care my dad needs, my mom was able to find hospice care for my dad.  My mom made it known that they now have a hospital bed set up in the living room and he will be receiving care visits 3 times a week now. 

Is this real?!

My dad's health has been failing over the past few years for sure. For those that don't know, he has epilepsy and cerebral palsy. Last summer he suffered from a stroke in his brain stem. He experienced yet another brain stem stroke earlier this year, and has probably been experiencing mini strokes often. I have not visited my father due to various reasons (time being one, being unable to deal with this situation is another...and not having a great relationship with my dad is yet another). But, from what my mom says, it's only a matter of time. Hospice care is kind of the end of the line. 

I don't know how to deal with this. At all. 

I can't believe this is happening to him and to my family. 

I always thought both of my parents would be there for me if I ever got married. I doubt my dad will ever get to hold a grandchild. My 88 year old grandfather will probably outlive his own son. Had my grandmother not succumbed to Alzheimer's she would probably have outlived him as well. She survived colon cancer for crying out loud. 

Anyways. I'm at a loss for what to think, feel, or do now. 

After his first stroke, we as a family realized his time was probably coming soon. When the second stroke hit we all wished it had taken him. He's suffering. My mom is suffering. 

I know life happens...but sometimes nothing can really prepare you for what happens next. 

Blog Challenge Day 2

Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

There have been many times when being single has sucked. But, the most emotional time for me has to have been when I graduated from UCMT this past December.
The entire year leading up to my graduation was a dark time in my life. I went home every night to a dark basement apartment and struggled through each and every day. I started and left 2 jobs in a matter of 3 months and finally settled into the third job at Subway, a place I had sworn never to return to. I made a couple of friends at work and school and I was living in the same house as my aunt and uncle, but despite this, I felt so alone. I was struggling with my faith in a way that can only be described as being in hell. I had foolishly contacted past crushes, and in an effort to spark something, I burned down everything. My heart was broken, I felt like a burden to my family and I was completely miserable. My depression had hit a new low, I was dealing with some other issues I'm not going to talk about here. I had also experienced getting my wallet stolen, an almost broken ankle, car problems, my dad had a stroke (I went to the hospital every night before and after class while he was there). I was in a new city and didn't know that many people and the few people I knew I felt a struggle to really connect with.
Despite all of this, I managed to get to the end of the school year (having only missed 2 hours of class time due to my radiator breaking on me) with 100% attendance (which means I was there every night and had made up the class time I had missed because of my car), a 4.0 GPA and became a member of the "High Five Club" (which means I did the necessary 5 hours of clinic sessions each and every time I was there).

So, I felt that when I got to walk across the stage to receive my awards and my diploma that it would be nice to have someone there for me. However, not only did I not have a significant other, but my family wasn't there. I walked across the stage and only my classmates cheered for me (and even then...it wasn't a loud cheering). I had gone through so much and felt so proud of what I had accomplished and I had no one to share it with. That was truly the WORST time being single sucked. 

The Single Woman 30-Day Blogging Challenge

Probably a year or so ago a friend of mine introduced me to the genius of Mandy Hale. Mandy Hale has a Twitter and Facebook feed as well as a blog and has authored a couple of books as well. Her online persona is called "The Single Woman."

Mandy/The Single Woman is a voice for all single women in the world right now. I purchased her book, "The Single Woman" shortly after finding out who she was, but never really got into the book until last night. I pulled up my Kindle App while on the train to my dance class and started reading. When class was over I pulled it out again. I got so hooked into it that I decided to miss my stop and keep riding (and reading). I knew that if I got in my car and went home I wouldn't read anymore for that night. I ended up riding to the end of the line and back. I was distracted from time to time while reading, but for the most part I just read. It has been a long time since I have been this caught up in a book. Everything she has to say, in the book and on her Twitter and Facebook feeds are so very much needed by me right now.

My dating life is non-existent. Still. 

I thought I had something with someone I met on Tinder a couple of months ago, but I guess I was mistaken (as I always seem to be apparently). I finally opened up to someone new (first time in 3 years) and got slapped in the face. So, this "Single Woman" thing has come into my life at a perfect time. 

I had gotten used to and comfortable with the idea of being single. I had even gotten to the point of having convinced myself that I never wanted to get married.  But, I felt so compelled to get on Tinder, and now I'm having a hard time wanting to get back on the band wagon of being single and happy. I allowed myself to dream again and it really hurts saying goodbye to that dream for now...AGAIN.

So, back to The Single Woman. On her Twitter feed I noticed she had been posting about a 30-day blogging challenge. Before I started reading her book again I had been pondering the idea of sharing my stories in an effort to be a support for others in my situation. So...
 I have decided to start a new blog focusing on my experiences of being single, dating and whatnot. I have titled it "Single and Never Been Kissed."
It's cheesy, I know. But, it's the truth (unless you count my kiss from Danny when we were ridiculously young).

Anyways...

Here's what I posted on the other blog. I want to post my responses to the challenge on both blogs...just because. :) Here goes....

----

I came across this challenge yesterday before creating this blog and wanted to participate.
These are the questions for each day.

1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”
2)      Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.
3)      Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.
4)      Your biggest fear as a single person.
5)      The biggest misconception you think people have about single life
6)      Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”
7)      Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point
8)      Five things that are most important to you in a future mate
9)      Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)
10)   Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you
11)   Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date
12)   Your proudest accomplishment
13)   Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship
14)   Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful
15)   Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?
16)   If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?
17)   What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?
18)   If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?
19)   What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?
20)   Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it
21)   How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?
22)   What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?
23)   Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)
24)   If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?
25)   Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?
26)   Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why
27)   Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.
28)   Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.
29)   Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.
30)   Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say

So, without further ado...
1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

I hate this question. Although I've never actually been asked this directly, it has been implied.
Why am I still single?
It's not for lack of doing everything in my power (to the best of my abilities) to not be single. But, obviously it isn't the right time nor am I in the right place. Yes, I'm a little bitter and cynical at times about it, but I'm learning every day to be better and I have grown so much because of the experiences I have had. Looking back, even to just a year ago, I see that I was not ready to be in a relationship and I'm grateful for this time to learn more about myself and to be better prepared for that time when someone else will be in my life.