My Mental Illness

I grew up with an entire kitchen drawer (and now cabinet) devoted to all of the medications that my parents had to take.
My dad has epilepsy, high blood pressure, depression and who knows what else at this point.
My mother has diabetes, high blood pressure, depression and (again) who knows what else.
My brother has psoriasis, high blood pressure, depression and ....
I think you get the picture.
My family is the prime example of medicated America.

They all suffer from depression...and so do I.

This past week has been hell on Earth.
I have come to hate everything about myself.
I have actually said it out loud more than once that I hate myself.
The sad part is...it's true.
I do hate myself.

I have been on medication for depression before...it helped. Sort of.
Right now I am fighting against going to the pharmacy and refilling my prescription for Prozac.
I know it will help me get out of this rut I'm in, but I also know the side effects of the medication.
And, I know the path that it will take me down.

I hate the thought of being medicated.

I don't want a drawer full of pills.

I am studying massage therapy.
With that comes the study of a lot of holistic healing modalities.
I am already a fan of Essential Oils.
I fell in love with Reflexology and I'm quickly falling in love with Accupressure.

I want so badly to never take another pill again (although, once a month for a couple of days I can't avoid taking pain killers because I'd end up in the hospital otherwise).

My thoughts are broken right now, so I apologize for the awkward flow...

I am unemployed and stuck in a rut of epic proportions right now, so I am limited on what I can actually do.

BUT

I want to do something.

I want to fight this depression.
I want to fight it, once and for all.

I want to find natural, holistic methods to take care of myself.

Below is a list I am making for myself of the things I need to do.

1. I need to change my diet.

I struggle with compulsive eating.
When I'm stressed out, there's nothing in the world that could stop me from eating an entire box of Little Debbie Fudge Rounds (or more).
So, how am I dealing with this???
Honestly, I'm not sure.
I'm trying to purchase better foods in which, if I have to binge, I won't feel so guilty about (Example: Yesterday I popped a bag of edamame in the microwave and ate the entire thing-no guilt trip on that one).
But, it's so easy to drive down the street and raid the junk food aisle. It just is.
This is something I need to work on still.

2. I need to exercise more.

I have gained a LOT of weight. I currently weigh a whopping 240 lbs (to put it in perspective, I've almost always been around 215-220 since high school...at one point I did get down to 185, but that was the lowest and that was in 2009...ever since then I've been constantly and consistently gaining weight). Yeah. There's a reason I hate myself.
When I wake up in the morning I can barely walk. My achilles tendons love to give me grief. My knees have always been deformed and cause problems of their own. Going up and down stairs is always fun...the popping, grinding and pain are always such a pleasure. My lower back is constantly on the verge of 'going out' as it has more than once in the past. My upper back is affected by my scoliosis. I'm constantly suffering from pinched nerve sensations going from my neck to my left pinky. My lungs like to tighten up if I do any physical activity. My heart freaks me out sometimes as well.
So, needless to say...as much as I want to work out, I really hate it. My body HURTS so badly whenever I do anything. I want to start running again (I have had the goal of RUNNING-not walking- a 5k someday and possibly a 10k) , and I know it would help my depression, but the anxiety of the pain I'll feel afterwards is not something I want to deal with again. I HATE being barely able to walk every morning. I purchased the Tony Horton 10 Minute Trainer dvds on Ebay last week. I figured...it's JUST 10 MINUTES!!! I can do anything for 10 minutes.Yesterday was pure torture. My body was hurting, every inch of every minute.
I wish I could stop hurting.
I'm still not sure how to cope with this...EVERYTHING makes me hurt....even yoga and walking.

3. I want to use herbs and oils.

Once I am financially sound again (like that will ever happen), I would like to use Essential Oils more. They are rather expensive, but I have already come to love them and I want to continue and increase my usage of them. DoTerra has a set of vitamins/supplements that I want to purchase as I have heard they do wonders for depression.
I don't want to add synthesized chemicals to my system (Prozac, etc). I want natural ingredients.

4. I want to learn to control my mind.

I want to invest in sound therapy/hypnosis/meditative type treatments.
Turn on your iPod, plug in your headphones and let soothing music or guided meditations take you to a better place. Hypnosis/subliminal therapy can help rewire your thought patterns and you don't have to spend thousands of dollars for treatments. (I sound like a salesperson right now...)
I downloaded a demo app on my phone yesterday that uses sound therapy to help stop the negative thought patterns. I listened to it once and sincerely felt better. I believe in the power of these things and need to make them a part of my life.

5. Psychotherapy (I'm actually very iffy on this one)

I have known many people that have been helped immensely by therapists.
I have also seen them ruin my family...more than once.
A lot of depression is caused by thought patterns. Those thought patterns need to be changed. And...sometimes it's just impossible to do it on your own.
If, after all of these other treatment options, I am still struggling and I am in a position to do something about it, I will contact a therapist and give them a try.

6. Acupressure/Acupuncture

I am currently studying Acupressure in my massage therapy school.
In our last session of practice my anxiety attack was completely shut down by the therapy my student therapist and even the TA were able to do on me.
The needles scare me, but I want to experience at least one session of Acupuncture.
There is real power in these treatment options and I want to explore them more.

7. Spirituality

I've mentioned it before in other posts.
My spirit is sick.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm not actually possessed by an evil spirit.
A great deal of my depression stems from my faith.
When my faith is strong, my depression is all but obliterated.
But, my faith has not been strong since the summer after I finished school.
I'm not sure how to fix my spirit.
I'm reading books, I've read scriptures, I've prayed, I've gone to church...
Nothing seems to help.
Every once and awhile I'll feel a glimpse of hope, but as soon as I acknowledge that, my soul is consumed by darkness.
The devil is real...and I hate him.


For now these are things I want to work on.
As my financial resources are limited right now I am not sure how I am going to do much of anything about it, but I know that I am stuck right now and I can't move forward until I can get my depression under control.

This guy...

...is my inspiration.

Someday I'll Figure This Out

....But until then...

Today was a day I hope I can forget.

Remember all that crap I went through to get to where I'm at right now?

I'm wondering if I've done a SINGLE thing right in my life.

I want to enjoy life, but I can't seem to figure it out.

I love to perform music, but I'm too lacking in confidence and dedication to do anything about it.
I love to teach, but the panic attacks I've had before just teaching a simple piano lesson aren't worth it.
I love math and science (Astronomy and Meteorology especially), but I don't want to be a scientist.
I love helping people, but I struggle so much with loving myself that I can't be the person I need to be.

I went to school and did the bachelor's degree thing. I loved it. I LOVE to play music and I don't regret that, but even now the thought of playing my clarinet brings up moments of panic.

What the hell am I supposed to do with my life?!

I know I have been blessed with many talents, but I have no clue what to do with them. If I find something I'm good at I soon find problems and can't seem to get past them.

I quit my job at Convergys today.

I had the chance, after walking out dramatically, to actually come back, but I leaned on my horrible confidence-lacking ego and said no.

What next you might say???

I have NO IDEA!

I'm coming up on turning 30 in a couple of years.
I'm not young anymore!
I have to stop wasting the time I've been given.

BUT I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!!!

How is it possible to be so incredibly low and still exist?

I'm not about to jump off of a cliff, don't worry.

I understand that it takes some time to figure out who you are and all that stuff, but really??? When am I going to figure ANYTHING out?!

It's like there's a brick wall in front of me every time I try to do something good.

I'm still in massage school and I don't plan on jumping ship anytime soon, but I can't help but feel that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do (whatever that is).

When I decided to make all these changes I did them because I was staring into a dark abyss and had no other choice.

I'm not a fan of life right now.

I feel like Rapunzel on Disney's Tangled...

Stuck in the same place I've always been
And I'll keep wonderin'
And wonderin'
And wonderin'
And wonderin'
When will my life begin?

It's not like I haven't tried to make changes. But, apparently I keep making the wrong choices. 
I am a complete and total utter failure right now.

My Career Vision

In my professional development class at UCMT we had the assignment to write out our visions of our future careers in massage therapy. I decided to share it here because if for nothing else, it will let me see it every once and awhile and remind me of what I'm working towards. So, here's my 'vision.' :)

I have learned through life’s experiences that you can’t even predict what tomorrow will bring. I have never been one to set goals and make plans. I’ve always just gone with the flow. But, things are changing. I have begun to dream and I see a wonderful life in my future regardless of the trials that may lie in store and wish to destroy me.

One year from now I see myself happily graduated from UCMT and working towards establishing myself as a professional massage therapist here in the Salt Lake valley. I am still single and living alone, but it’s ok. I have a small 2 bedroom apartment and a hairless cat (because I love cats and I can’t live without them, but I have to be conscientious of my clients) and/or a basset hound. In my living room area I have an electric piano keyboard and a flat screen television (and of course a couch that just screams to anyone, “SIT ON ME!”). There is also a chair and a music stand in the corner with a pile of clarinet music to the side that I’ve been practicing. The kitchen is small but bigger than I’ll ever need.  The table is covered with papers, books and nothing associated with eating other than something I’ve been snacking on while figuring out my bills (of course, this is clean when a client is over). The bathroom is clean and not falling apart. My bedroom is small but big enough to fit my bed, a dresser, and a desk for my laptop.

The other bedroom has my massage table set up, waiting for a tired, stressed out body that needs to relax. I may not have many private clients, but I have a few loyal practice clients that have stayed with me throughout school and are proud to have me as a therapist.  This bedroom is open and welcoming. During the day, sunlight floods through the windows. At night, all city lights are blocked off. There is a small table right next to the door as you walk in with a water feature and a bowl full of Andes Mints and a water bottle waiting for the end of the massage. Against the wall opposite the door is a short shelf that has a decorative essential oil diffuser and an iPod dock to play some relaxing music. There is also another short table in the corner in the back that has a warmer full of damp, warm wash cloths and any other supplies needed for the massage such as my lotion, oil, hot and cold therapy creams, and essential oils, etc. On the walls are pictures of sunsets, forests, trees and lakes or oceans that I have personally photographed. In the closet is a shelf with all necessary linens needed for the massage table along with water bottles for the client after the massage. Along with that are any other supplies for other types of massage, such as a mat for Thai Massage or a stone warmer for Hot Stone Therapy. When I am not giving massages at my apartment I can be found working at a local day spa.

I am also practicing my clarinet again, taking lessons and working on my application and audition to graduate school. Once I am accepted into graduate school I will work as a massage therapist to support myself while working on my master’s degree in clarinet performance. This will also be a great time to market myself to musicians around me because I know from personal experience how massage therapy can save one’s playing ability.

In 3-4 years when I graduate from graduate school I will still continue working as a massage therapist and possibly teach clarinet lessons and/or perform with a local orchestra and work towards getting my Doctorate so I can play in a professional symphony. My ultimate dream is to play in a recording orchestra that plays music for movie soundtracks. Is there anything better than getting to help others than through the power of music and massage? I doubt it!

(Untitled)

I woke up this morning from a dream that represented my biggest regret. All I can think about now is the pain and sadness I feel for what might have been.
I once was in a relationship that was never fully defined (in my mind at least). I'm about 100% sure he loved me, but I was too scared to admit to any real feelings I had. I knew I cared about him, but I let some stupid things get in the way. The saying hindsight is 20/20 has never been more true.
The more I look back on that experience with that person, the more I realize I have the innate ability to cut out the truly great things in my life. I know he's in the right place now, married and they're expecting their first child. But, the regrets and the thoughts of what could have been are eating me up inside. He's happy. I'm not.
Every time I have come within the same ball park of reaching my ultimate desire in life (having a family), I freak out and manage to ruin it. I hate it. Every guy I have ever had a crush on I've managed to alienate from my life. Every guy that has ever liked me, I've been able to find some stupid excuse that really doesn't matter in the long run.
I cannot remember the last date I went on. It's coming up on about 2 years since I last went out with someone.
To say that my self-esteem is low is an understatement.
I feel so unattractive.
What is wrong with me?
I had some amazing people in my life and I managed to take them for granted.
I don't want to live my life alone.
But, what do I do?
The male gender seems to have the same reaction to me every time I meet someone new. They look at me long enough to meet me and then they ignore me. They turn the other way. I just don't understand.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Updates...

Last time I tried to get onto Blogger my internet browser would close down every time I logged in. Thank heavens it's not doing that today. I have a lot on my mind and I'm not sure if I'll get it all out or make much sense in the process.

The past 2 years have been a living hell to be sure. There were days when I would be driving to work and almost prayed that I would get hit (except I was struggling with my faith so I didn't see the use of praying). The past 2 years have been a literal prison. I had graduated from college. I had done the right things. I was a good person for the most part (I'm not perfect mind you, but I haven't killed anyone, I haven't robbed anyone, and I try to be as honest as possible). I did what I was supposed to and I was not where I wanted to be. Not even close.
Here's a semi-quick review of everything that's been going on. I don't mean to be repetitive in my posts, but I think it helps to paint the bigger picture.

August 2010
I got a job at 5 Buck (out of desperation for employment...they lied when they said a Bachelor's degree was good for something, thank you crappy economy).
Then my Grandmother died.
I started questioning my faith.
March 2011
I went to Chicago for a band trip (had the most embarrassing concert experience of my life).
Decided I never wanted to play my clarinet again.
Went to Columbia, MO to visit family.
Saw my family in Missouri that I hadn't seen in years.
Realized how happy I was there and how unhappy I was in Ogden.
Came back to Utah (Crying the whole way home almost...I think I had the security guard at the St. Louis airport fairly concerned)
The Bishop from my years in high school (and my high school guidance counselor) passed away.
I really questioned my faith.
Summer came.
My life got darker and darker.
Tried to get work anywhere but where I was at.
Failed.
January 2012
The new year came.
I was alone. (Nothing like filling out paperwork, by yourself and feeling completely abandoned, as you see the clock change over)
March 2012
Started a medical assisting program.
Got told 5 Buck was going to close in June.
Withdrew from medical assisting program.
Worked out a plan to move to Missouri in the summer after the store closed.
Failed.
Job did not end (3 days before it was supposed to).
Tried again to escape to Missouri.
Failed.
Got promoted.
Took 3 week vacation back to Chicago and Columbia. (Loved EVERY second of it!)
August 2012
Came home
Gave up.
Started trying to enjoy life for once.
Faith returned, slowly.
Even started flirting with the guy I've had a crush on for years. (We're actually friends!)
Realized how lucky I was and started to feel ok with everything. (I wasn't making any big strides, but I was surviving)
Found out, via Facebook note, my brother had come out as transgender.
November 2012
Got notice that more financial hardships were going to go into effect. (Enough that things were impossible)
Realized something had to change.
Went online and looked up UCMT on a whim (well, it was more than a whim I guess...but that's another story for another time) and hit send on the "Request Info" button.
Toured UCMT the following day.
Next week enrolled at UCMT (Going into more debt to hopefully better pay off current debt...yay??).
Talked to Aunt about staying at her house in their basement while I took classes.
Started sending out resumes.
Had some serious family drama that involved my brother getting arrested.
Had first Thanksgiving without parents or brother.
Started getting multiple job interviews. (A first for me)
Got job offer at Summit Academy as a cook in the school cafeteria.
Put in notice at 5 Buck.
I'm supposed to be checked out of my apartment in 11 days.
School starts the 7th of January.

Needless to say, it's been a whirlwind, roller coaster, nightmare of a time.

I had prayed and prayed for change. I finally got it when I had given up and gotten comfortable.

I've heard so many people tell stories with this basic undertone.
I never thought I would be one of those people.
I'm not the one that normal things happen to.

My faith has been torn down and ripped to shreds. But, I have found that as it has started afresh, I have learned and gained so much more. I still have many questions that need answering, but I will say that I have faith in God. I don't think that I would be where I am without Him. I know that I would be a total bundle of nerves without the peace I feel. My prayers have been answered in miraculous ways.

I'm scared out of my mind as to what the future holds. Sometimes I even wonder if there really is a future...the world IS supposed to end this Friday ;-).

I will most likely have to give up playing at the dance studio and probably also leave the orchestra I'm part of here in Ogden. Those 2 things were my saving graces during those dark years. But, I think it's ok to move on. Someone else can be blessed with the opportunities I've been so blessed with.

I have learned so much and I hope that I can continue to learn more.
 

Whirlwind

Today was a major milestone in a whirlwind of crazy that started about 3 weeks ago.
3 weeks ago, on a whim, I requested info on the Utah College of Massage Therapy. I had requested info from them in the past a few years ago while I was still pursuing my music degree. I figured I couldn't afford it and that it was just not the right thing/time for me.
So, it came as a shock when not even five minutes after hitting the 'Submit Request' button on their website I got a call from their office. It was later in the evening and I was very surprised they responded so quickly. I signed up to come down the following day to take a tour and see what it was all about.
I walked out with papers in hand and a billion different ideas careening through my mind. When I got home (after driving 40mph on I-15 all the way due to the first major snow storm we've seen this winter) I immediately filled out the FAFSA (something I hadn't done in years and was surprised at how easy and quick it is now). The following Tuesday I drove down again to meet with the financial aid representative. I found out that I could receive some financial aid. It's not enough (not 100% enough at least), but it's 75% enough, so, with a decent part-time job, I figured out that I could afford to go.
Reality check!
Massage therapy school?! Really??? Is this really the right thing to do???
Everyone says pray about it.
I believe this is a result of the prayers before this all happened. But, I'm still on edge about some things.

Whatever the situation turns into though, I do know that I'm moving forward with the intention of starting classes in January. So....

The major milestone I hit today was this:
I paid my last rent check to my landlord today and gave notice that I will be moving out at the end of December.
That's right folks! I'm moving!!!
And, I'm not just moving out of my ghetto cave, I'm leaving Ogden!
Whaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!

Other than living at home during the summers between semesters, Ogden has been my home now for almost 10 years. That's right. I moved here in the fall of 2003. (Ok, so it's more like 9 years ago...but 10 just sounds more significant)

I have been trying for the past 2 years now to find a job anywhere else but here. I have applied to countless jobs and planned multiple escape plans. But, nothing had worked out. So, over the past few months I've given up and found that I was rather content with life. It wasn't grand and there were a ton of things I wished were different, but I was ok. I had found peace and contentment with my situation. I was beginning to make closer friends in my ward. I was really starting to feel ok with my job (shocker, I know!). I'm even second in command now. I was ok and not in any hurry to change.

Well...

I guess it's just not meant to be. I will never be able to be content and lazy :)

As long as everything goes according to plans (ha ha...like that ever happens), I will be moving into my Aunt and Uncle's basement in Murray at the end of December.

I've applied to many jobs and already had a couple of interviews with at least another one in a couple of weeks.

I can't believe this is happening.
It has literally been a whirlwind.
My head is spinning from the craziness of it all and my stomach is in constant knots due to the anxiety over the changes (apparently I don't adapt well to change).
But, I'm excited to start a new chapter of my life. Life is short. It really is. I can't waste it here in an apartment meant for Weber State students, working at a pizza place, and with no hope of ever breaking free of my debts (student loans are of the devil!).

I just hope that when this whirlwind calms down I can land on my feet and that I don't do a complete face-plant (or worse).

A Story of Mine

On Wednesday I was driving to Brigham City and decided to pull out an old cd I had 'made' (I called it Happy Music) back in high school. At the end I had added some instrumental pieces. Most were pieces I had played at All-State Band or at an honor band I had done at the U. As those pieces came on a flood of memories came back.
While I was at work yesterday morning (all by myself) those same memories had time to come back and in greater detail. I want to dive further into those again now, because I think it is very significant to my life.

I learned to play the clarinet because I could. I had no serious ambitions. I never practiced. I really didn't care. I just showed up each day and thought life was fine.
Then, some of my mom's piano students, Jon and Missy Morgan and their friend Rene Morse, talked about doing this All-State band at their lessons. I don't know why I felt I had to, but I know I felt a certain pull to it and had to be a part of it. So, my sophomore year of high school I talked to my band director and got the list of what I needed to do to audition (or maybe my mom did...certain details are fuzzy...it has been over 10 years since this happened).
Did I practice...of course not. (Man was I an idiot!)
In order to record my audition I had to use the machine in the high school band room since we did not possess any recording materials. So, my band director sat in his office while I struggled through the audition materials.
Later my mom told me that he had talked to her, not believing I would make the band, and told her that he had paid the $45 to get me into the All-State Choir since he was so doubtful.
I remember this next moment vividly.
I was staying with Rene and Missy at Missy's sister's apartment in Provo. We were there for the Summerfest camp at BYU. My mom and I ended up talking on the phone and she told me of opening my acceptance letter into the All-State Band.
There was much rejoicing on my part. And...lots of 'in your face' thoughts towards my band director. I still don't think I've fully forgiven him for doing that to me. I understand that he didn't want me to feel left out, but going to such lengths to prove it...it still hurts.
Not only did I get in, I wasn't last chair. Funny side story-I ended up sitting next to an awesome girl named Lynlee...she and I ended up sitting next to each other in band later on at WSU. 
I loved that experience so much that I did it again the following year.
I also got involved in the honor bands at the U.
By the time I was a senior in high school I was convinced I wanted to be a band director. I had learned so much in those other bands that it had to be a part of my life forever. So, through another round of crazy events, I ended up at Weber State University majoring in music education.
My clarinet teacher was a good musician, but did not really push me that much. I credit any real improvements I made to other teachers, other players around me and other outside forces.
Anyways...
The cherry on top to this frustrating experience in high school with my doubtful band director came when I auditioned for the Utah Intercollegiate Band. I think it was my second time doing it. It was at SUU in Cedar City. I killed my audition. (I know...I'm not terribly humble about this one)
I got 5th chair.
I finally got to sit with the 1st part clarinets.

Eventually I ended up being the section leader and 1st chair clarinet at WSU for a couple of years. I also got to be the principal clarinet in the orchestra for a couple of years.

I really can't explain how I feel as I look back on where I started and the years in-between then and now.
I have truly been blessed, despite the doubt of others and even myself at times.