An implosion...of sorts

You know, Thanksgiving came and left so quickly that I don't think it's sunk in that it's over yet. I was so anxious for the long weekend. I was so super stressed out from school, work and my many other lives. But, the week of Thanksgiving came and I found the strength to carry on. Somehow, I'm surviving amazingly well. I don't feel stressed out, and I don't feel as if there is a huge cloud of doom hanging over my head. Yet, Thanksgiving came, and now it's over. I didn't even notice it. I had a crappy weekend. I drove every day I had off from school. I got to see my family, but it wasn't comfortable for me. My brother wasn't there. I haven't seen him since last Christmas. I miss him something fierce. I didn't have any sisters. I only had my little brother. Even though I resented and envied him a great deal sometimes (as all siblings do at some point), I love him to death. He's my brother. He's part of me and who I am. Not being around him is starting to take its toll on me. Then, I had a day with an old friend. It was nothing short of awkward for me. I won't go into details, but I will say that I hope I never have to relive that day. I wasn't myself and it was just weird. I was holding in anger and irritations. I don't recommend doing that. Sunday I went to my home ward. It was weird. I don't belong there anymore. My family doesn't really belong either. They need to move away.
To be honest, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Well...almost anywhere. I feel at home when I'm at work, and when I'm in a practice room. hmm....food for thought. I feel thin...sort of stretched-like butter scraped over too much bread... (name that quote!). Then, this week has flown by without warning. Tomorrow is the last day of normal classes for the semester. I'm not ready for it to be over with to be honest.
So, today was the dress rehearsal for the Institute Christmas show. I can't believe it's time to do the show already. I've done the show so many times that it doesn't feel special anymore. I'm frustrated with some of the songs we're singing (arrangements, and changes that were made to perfectly good pieces that shouldn't've been made...anyways), I'm also frustrated with feeling like part of the choir. I am sort of an accompanist (which is like a dream come true for me), and I can sing for the most part. But, when it comes to the social aspect, I feel pretty much like an outcast. I have a few friends that I can be friendly with. I have even less that I feel like I can really talk to. Most of the people around me I feel seem to ignore my existence altogether. Which, I guess, I haven't given them much reason to notice me, but still...I'm extremely shy. Anyways. At one point in the rehearsal tonight it all sort of hit me. I felt unwanted and unwelcome. I didn't want to be there anymore. All of a sudden, my inner world came crashing down. I couldn't stop the tears. I hate crying. It shows how weak I am. It also attracts attention. I don't want the attention. It just makes me open up more and cry even more. My life seems to be ok on the outside (I think at least), but the inside is crumbling. I'm trying to graduate this coming spring semester. I am scared to death of being on my own for real. I know what I want to do, but I doubt my abilities to be truly successful.
Anyways. I'm also trying to fend off feelings I have for a friend. I want so badly to see that he likes me, but I...just can't do it right now. So...I'm not going to delve into this anymore. My emotions have been going on one of those super-charged magnetically powered roller coasters.
Along with this, I realize that Christmas is coming. I didn't even get to stop and think about Thanksgiving really...and I really almost don't want Christmas to come. I miss seeing it through the eyes of a child. I know what it is all about. I just don't see the real purpose in it all. So, with that, I need to re-find what Christmas means to me and try to feel the spirit of it. I feel like I've been so involved in everything that I haven't left time for myself to be me.
So, with that, I want to make a step towards maybe feeling a little bit more festive. I want to make a late listing of things I am thankful for. Only by truly seeing my blessings can I really start to see some purpose in the birth of the Saviour.

I am thankful for:
-my car
-my apartment
-my roommates (no complaints!)
-both of my jobs (the work is really rewarding)
-the fact that I am in college and that I will graduate soon
-the fact that I can take a long hot shower after I am done with this
-my friends:
Mark-for having someone to talk 'clarinet' with
Julie J-for being my sista from another mista :)
Andrea, Amy, Janel and Julie P-for being people I have looked up to ever since I knew them...and for being my friends
-my family-even though it's broken and there are problems, they love me.
-my clothes
-food (even though I realize that it is what makes me fat)
-music-it is my life...it's how I express myself
-dance-it keeps me active and it's another way to express myself

These are just a few things...and there is so much more that I am thankful for, but I need to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I hope I can survive.
Know that I am thankful for all the many blessings in my life.
Goodnight!