Some confuzzled feelings as of late...(warning...contains relationship woes)

Where to begin?
In the past I have written about a certain friend that wants to be more than friends. In the past, I was not so kind. In the past, I was ...well....
Anyways...
Before school started this friend and I had a conversation. We have only kept in touch through instant messaging since he lives out of state and I'm too chicken to do the phone thing. Anyways...
Close to the end of the conversation he told me that he loved me. He has said it in the past, but somehow, this time it wasn't the same. It hit me kind of hard. This guy really does love me. After that our relationship took an interesting path. Once the new semester started I woke up one saturday morning after having an intensely abstract but real dream about him. All I could think of was...I need to talk to him. But, how? I got online actually praying that he would be on. Not even 15 minutes later he signed on. The thoughts going through my mind were intense and insane. I have always felt a deep sense of care for this friend, but I have never felt like I wanted to be around him. Now, all of a sudden, I couldn't think of anything else. We ended up talking for about 3 hours. I don't even talk to my mom that long. I guess you could say we had a dtr...but nothing was really defined. I just finally let out all of my feelings on the table. Mostly I let it out that I was confused and unsure (I think).
Now, fast forward to this past week.
We ended up chatting online again the other day. He let me know that he is coming to Utah for Thanksgiving. We decided to finally go on our first date. ha ha...we've known each other since before kindergarten...it's really kind of funny. Anyways. Hopefully things will work out and we'll be able to take that next step to seeing if it's a path we both want to take. OH! I suppose I should tell of another something that happened before that that added to this whole mess of confuzzledness. I ended up going on a date last weekend. Towards the end of the night all I could think was...I wish I was with my friend. It was weird. Anyways. So, after having gone on this date...I ended up talking to my other friend...it might have been the next day...I'm not sure. Anywho...with all of this running through my mind, I guess you could say things are now getting even more interesting. I won't go into anymore details, but let's just say that after being in chorale the other day hearing a question of 'is anyone in here talking about getting married?' my emotions have been out of control. Our discussion online that night included the subject of marriage...but not on the grounds of us getting married (at least, I don't think so).
Am I really getting to a point where that could be a possibility? Or am I just overreacting? (other things were said that I won't repeat here because some people may just think he's some weirdo (not in a disgusting way) ...which he is...but aren't we all?) My education is coming to a close and I wonder where my life may take me. As much as I would love to be free to do whatever I want, I really would love nothing more than to get married and have a family once I graduate. Is this my chance, or am I just desperate?
Now that I have made any possible reader more confuzzled than I am...lol...I just want to say this...
I have known this guy for more years than I have played the piano (which I started when I was 5). I know his family, I know his heart. I know his past and I have an idea of where his future is heading. I know what my family thinks of his family and I have a feeling I know what the reaction from some of my old friends from high school would be. I know what questions are going through my mind when I think about the possibility of spending eternity with this person. I can't wait for Thanksgiving. Maybe some questions will be answered. I sure hope so. I can't take this much longer.

How Can I Keep From Singing?

So, today was our first Choralaire Sunday of the semester. It was amazing! I went to bed after 1am and got up around 5 or 5:30 this morning. Yay for very little sleep! :)
Hmm...maybe I should go back a little further...
Yesterday was a very bad day. I woke up with many plans to get everything done that I needed to. As the day went on, I had no motivation, energy or desire to do anything. I ended up watching tv for most of the morning and mid-afternoon. I finally decided to start with my plans. My first plan was to clean and rearrange my bedroom. So, I moved some stuff around after finally cleaning the room. I didn't like it, so I moved my bed to the other side. As I did this, I realized that I didn't like it that way either. So, I proceeded to move my bed back to where it was a few minutes previous. The beds in campus housing are a little different. There is no box spring. There are 3 wooden boards that support the mattress. Well, as I was pulling my bed back to the other side of the room, somehow one of those heavy boards fell out and onto my big toe. I'm not even going to try to explain how much it hurt. Seriously, I might take my appendicitis pain again over what I felt yesterday. After crying a bit, and trying to figure out what to do, I once again ended up sitting and watching tv for a bit. I could barely walk because my toe hurt so bad. Finally I got my laundry together, dropped it off in the washing machine and headed to walmart for some purple thread. After walking around Walmart for an hour (on a very painful toe I might add) I finally found most of what I was looking for. I walked out of that store feeling so unbelieveably angry. I hate that store. I couldn't find everything I needed, and I was in pain. I finally got home and my roommate helped me 'hem' my choir dress. It looks terrible, but it worked. I had to hand sew a temporary stitch all the way around. That took me a couple of hours. By the time I fell asleep, it was after 1am. Oh...and as I was driving home from walmart, I tried to figure out why I felt so much tension and anger. All of a sudden the thought came to mind-tomorrow is Choralaire Sunday. The light turned on! No wonder my day had been going so terribly. The adversary was trying to keep me from going. I very seriously considered calling in sick after the way I felt. I didn't want to stand all day on my sore toe and my dress wass not very nicely hemmed...and I didn't know the music (still don't actually). Anyways. I read my scriptures and fell asleep.
I woke up this morning somewhere around 5 or 5:30. I got ready and made it on time. It was a wonderful day. From the moment we started running through some of the songs that we would sing later, I felt so happy. I felt so strongly about the words I was singing. It was wonderful!
As I look back on last year, I sang the songs we sang with a hope of finding comfort, answers and a way out of my troubles. I was on the edge of total despair (seriously). Today I sang with conviction. I knew what I was singing was true. I can't express how wonderful it was. :) I guess you should be getting the hint by how many times I say wonderful and amazing and so on ;) The first song we sang today was 'Sweet Hour of Prayer.' "I'll cast on Him my every care and wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer" Another song, 'Surely He Has Bourne Our Girefs. "He was pierced for all our sin, bruised by all our iniquity....Surely He has bourne our griefs and carried our sorrows..." Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. "Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love....Jesus saught me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God (well...pretty much the entire song...)"
Anyways.
I guess I just want to express that I can tell that my soul has finally grown up a little and maybe there's hope :)
Last year the music litereally saved me from leaving the church. This time I was able to sing it in a manner that I would hope would help someone else. Music is wonderful! I want to be a musician for the rest of my life. :)
Oh beautiful day!
(and it was BEAUTIFUL today!!!!)

Burgers and Fires and Cherrie Pies...

Take that lady promenade. Walkin' in the sand just hand in hand in a world we used to know. Circle left! Changes will come and go. I've had my share I know....

Those are words to an all-famous square dance song we all learned way back in elementary school. Every year 2 of the teachers would teach their class to square dance. That song is a classic. I actually never had those teachers, but when they later offered dance lessons for other students, I eagerly enrolled. I love that song. As a child it mostly had the appeal of the talk of food. Now as I reflect on the words...I feel a sense of maturity. Changes will come and go. I've had my share I know. I was just talking to a friend tonight about some of the trials I went through last year. A lot of changes happened in my life. A lot didn't happen as well. Changes are coming, and some are going. It's pretty hectic sometimes. But, I think I can say that I am grateful for change. Looking back on last year made me realize that I have changed and grown. I went through a lot. (hmm...living arangements, cars, crushes, family members dying (cats are family!), and so on. Now that I list it like that, it doesn't seem too much of a big deal...but when it all happened I thought there was no end in sight). I can't believe I survived it. I definately feel like a changed person. Some changes haven't stayed with me the way I would have liked them to, but I'm still stronger than I used to be. I have some serious changes coming up in the next week or so. I'm not sure what the final result will be, but it very well could be the decision to change my major and choose a different path in life. One that I have always talked about, but never really imagined would happen. The thought that I could graduate this spring scares me. But, I won't go there right now. I'm mostly waiting for my cold medicine to kick in a make me sleepy. It's after midnight and I'm wide awake. Man...of all times to get sick, it would be on the weekend that was extended due to a school break. Ah! Oh well. At least I didn't have to miss school because of my ilness. Anyways. Back to the topic. Changes are coming my direction whether not I like it. It's such an interesting feeling; knowing that my future will be affected greatly by this decision. I guess I have to keep praying and really do my best to trust the Lord and do my best to understand the promptings (or silences) of the Spirit. I'm terrible at it and I'm scared I'll make the worng choice. But, I've been fighting this decision since I started on this path, and it's time to choose once and for all. What do I really want to do with my life? (that's a whole 'nother can of worms I don't even want to open just yet)
Here's to walkin' in the sand just hand in hand in a world I used to know.

Breakdown

Today was good, until I got a phone call from the education department. Aparently I didn't score high enough on my interview to get into the program. It's not a big deal, but I did the best I thought I could do on that interview. So, unless I'm missing something completely obvious, there's no point in trying again. I have been fighting this decision ever since I made it. I think it's finally time to make it final. I have been praying for help, guidance and anything else I could think of to help me in this decision. Before I took the test I decided that I've done what I can do. It was at that point that I turned it over to the Lord. I did well on the test. But, with this news on the interview, I don't know anymore. I'm trying to figure out if this is an answer to those prayers, or if it's just another obstacle I need to get over to prove I really want it. I guess I see things both ways. I want so badly to graduate this year. But, I have no idea what I will do if I graduate in performance instead of education. You can't do anything with a bachelor's degree in performance. I love to perform, and would love to go to grad school. But, I don't practice enough. I'm not good enough, and I don't know enough. I've always wanted to to massage therapy, but that isn't something I would want as a permanent career. I don't know what to do.

It's Been A Long Time!

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I have a lot to blog about, but can't think of anything right now. But, I thought I would write something just so I could not look so neglecting towards my beloved blog (ha ha).