That Just Happened...

So, my life has hit a brick wall...AGAIN.

I've finished massage school, and now I have the whole world in front of me.

My car got attacked by an idiot in the parking lot at work.

I have no money saved.

I have no direction in life.

Tonight I got a little crazy with looking at options online...

I may or may not have just submitted an application with Princess Cruise Lines.
I don't know if it's even going to be seen, as they are not currently doing interviews it looks like.

BUT

I had to do it.

I think I'll do more :)

The only reason I can think of them NOT hiring me is my size. Motivation to lose weight...I THINK SO! :)

Life Goals

Run a RAGNAR
Be a Cross-Fit tycoon
Travel to Europe
Spend an entire week on the beach
Go on at least one cruise.

Stressed

The past month has been jam-packed full of emotional ups and downs. I'm finally starting to crumble inside from the pressure of it all.
December 18th was my last day of school.
December 19th was graduation-in which I had NO ONE there to support me. I understand that it was partially my fault because I discouraged people from coming due to the horrible snow storm that hit that day. I think it was a miracle anyone made it there. But, at the end of the ceremony I was left standing alone. It sucked.
December 24th was Christmas Eve. I had to work until 3, but left for home straight from work. That night it was just me and my parents. My dad is more stressful to deal with than ever. Having a decent, non-emotional conversation with him is not remotely possible. Either it turns into him having a pity party, crying like a baby over something simple and stupid, him talking about his stroke (which he can't seem to grasp was NOT that bad...he can't walk much right now, but that's how it was BEFORE the stroke...and he was slow BEFORE the stroke as well...he's just now realizing it and can't fathom/grasp/understand anything...so he cries, or lashes out with comments about me asking my parents for more money-which I haven't done since I got my job at Subway...and he doesn't even deal with money anymore...hasn't for years. He can't. It would've been better if he had died...on everyone-including him). So, Christmas Eve wasn't super amazing.
December 25th. Christmas day. I woke up and ate breakfast with my mom, then helped her some in the kitchen. I had a good time with her, until my stomach starting acting up. I never felt sick, but my stomach has not been normal since then. My brother (who wishes he was my sister) came with his girlfriend. She's nice enough, but she's older than me by a few years at least. I don't like her though. I don't have a good feeling about her. My younger brother babies her. It's so weird, and hard to watch. I just don't like it. At. All.
December 26th. I had to work a normal shift and deal with angry customers that had broken packages....claims that I had ruined their Christmas, etc.
The following week I worked my normal schedule.
December 31st. I worked my normal schedule. I ended up spending New Year's Eve with my friend Julie and another one of her friends. It was fun. It was nice to not be driving down the freeway this time and not alone.
January 1st. I worked 6 hours. Yay for holiday pay!
January 2nd was normal.
January 3rd was supposed to be my last day at Deseret Book. I was planning on making my escape to Missouri. (all I had to do was figure out how to get out there on my limited budget) A little less than halfway through my shift I got a message from my supervisor asking me if I could work the following week...and hopefully longer. I said yes, because I need the money.
January 5th. I had had enough of the feelings brewing inside me for a friend of mine, so I sent him a text asking him what he would say if I asked him out. He said 'probably not.' There was much crying that night.
January 6th. I showed up for work, feeling very much out of place as none of my fellow seasonal hire folk were there. I asked my manager what the plan was. She called me into her office. I am still having a hard time reading her, but I think she was trying to be nice. She told me that they were not planning on keeping any of the seasonal hires on as permanents. But, (for some strange reason) they were grateful for my work and wanted to offer me a permanent position. Because I didn't know what else to say, I said yes. I was told to finish out the week with my normal schedule and that the following week I would be working less hours. That night I drove up to Layton to get ice cream with my friend Jasmine (from school). It was food therapy time. But, all day long I couldn't eat. I had eaten 2 or 3 pieces of candy from the bowl at work, but that was it. So, I got to the ice cream place and ordered a larger size thinking that I was really hungry. I got through half of it and couldn't eat anymore.
January 7th. My desk stuff got moved to a different location and I got settled in. I worked a normal day (well...normal for the job). That night I looked at a room for rent, then drove to Fort Union for sushi with some girls from my ward. Then I drove to downtown SL to watch Downton with my friend Julie. I was still feeling broken from Jon (the guy that turned me down Sunday). Julie wanted to talk about her problems. I was exhausted and just couldn't do 'the girl talk' thing that night.
January 8th. I asked my manager what my schedule was really going to be next week since I hadn't heard anything official. She called me into her office again. Someone had given their notice. I'm working my full schedule for at least 2 more weeks (well...maybe). Then, after work...Julie's friend Brittani-a new friend of mine (who is also going through some serious heartbreak) wanted to get ice cream. I said yes. We met up and had some ice cream. We didn't really delve into everything, we just stated what was going on and that was about it. It was fine. It helped me find a little more closure on my situation as I was able to voice it. This was in Sugarhouse (which was a good 15 minute drive from work in stressful traffic). I got home feeling exhausted (I had gone to work feeling like I was getting sick-achey, chills, headache, etc). 
Tangent on that-Have a mentioned that I'm exhausted?!
I haven't had a real break since school started. I really have not had time to process what just happened this past year. I had Christmas day off and my weekends (oh wait...I worked 9 hours last Saturday), but my weekends have been busy. Church now starts at 9am so I don't even get the luxury of sleeping in on Sundays now.

Tangent over-
I showered around 9 last night and crawled in bed and fell asleep before 10. That's a BIG deal for me.

Today. Today I decided to get lunch at the Burger King that is close to my job. It is located in a truck stop that also has a Beans 'n Brews, and a Cafe. I decided to check out the cafe since I was sick of fried food. First this young thing called me sweetheart. Then she handed me a menu and told me I could keep it in my truck. .... I don't have a truck. I took a good look in the mirror after that. I am a mess. My clothes don't fit. I have a HUGE double chin. My skin is disgusting again. I look like I belong in a truck. It shouldn't have bothered me, but it hit me. HARD.

I also have to find an apartment to move into ASAP as I can tell I've overstayed my welcome at my aunt and uncle's. My aunt offered financial guidance. I don't want her to see my patheticness.
I started looking at apartments today. I don't know how I'm going to afford getting into any of them. I'll be ok with the rent once the deposit and crap is taken care of, but I just don't know what to do. I'm also freaking out because I have been alone for so long. I've developed some bad habits that I'm worried about when I move in with someone else.

Also, I had put my name up for auditioning for my old spot in the Chamber Orchestra Ogden. I haven't prepared for it. I don't have an A clarinet which is pretty important (one of the audition pieces even calls for it). I'm starting to feel I'm going to cancel this audition. It breaks my heart. But, I don't know what else to do.

This is not where I was supposed to be.

I was going to move to Missouri after I finished school. I was going to be healthier and not injured and able to work strictly massage.

Now I can't work too many hours with massage due to my F****** ankle. I was NOT going to stay in Salt Lake. If I was going to stay in Utah AT ALL I was going to go back to Ogden.

Now everything is a mess. I need to move out. I have an audition. I need to find a part time massage job (and pray that I don't fall apart). I need to lose weight. I need to be healthy again. I need to go back to the gym. I just don't want to stay here. But I feel like I'm getting sucked back in.

To say that my spirits are low is an understatement.

I was going to leave everything behind and start over.

WHY CAN'T I JUST LEAVE?!?!

3 Strikes

Today I did something that I probably should regret and may actually regret later on once it sinks in what I did...but, for now I'm glad I did what I did.

I have not been on a date in over 2 years. It's getting closer to 3 at this point. (I honestly don't even remember the last one...I'm only guessing)

Earlier this year I decided to email the person I had had a crush on for awhile and tell him how I felt. I knew that he didn't reciprocate, but I needed closure on the situation. I got the answer I was expecting (I only see you as a friend), cried (still cry every once and awhile) and got over it for the most part.

Then, halfway through the year another guy friend of mine and I had been chatting online a little bit. I enjoyed it and wasn't trying to push anything too intense on him, but I asked him out. I just wanted to go see a movie with him and was wanting to make a date out of it. He used grad school applications as an excuse to get out of that one.

Tonight I hit my third strike.

The friend I've had for awhile...the one I went on a couple of dates with a few years ago and told I didn't have any feelings for him (which was a lie...I'm not 100% honest)...the one that I got to work with for a couple of years...the one that I've been conflicted over, but still very much full of feelings for...I tried to ask him out tonight. I got the "just a friend" response.

I can't say I haven't tried here. I'm sooooo sick of this.

I'm glad I got the responses I got as opposed to nothing. I'm glad I've burned every bridge. I'm glad I know now. I'm SO glad my heart has been broken so many times.

:-/

I'm done. I'm really done. I actually feel liberated after this last rejection. I have some heart-broken tears left in me, but for the most part I'm actually very happy. I can move on with my life now. I always thought it was my education/career choices that were holding me back, but it wasn't until tonight that I felt free to do whatever I want. If I get asked out on a date I might not be able to say yes. I can't deal with this anymore.
A friend of mine posted a delightful picture on facebook tonight.

 This picture speaks volumes to me. Every time I see a guy I feel like he turns and runs the other way.

I'm so over it.

I don't need a man in my life. I don't want to be alone, but this heartbreak isn't worth it. ESPECIALLY since it's always 1-sided. I will probably never kiss a man in my life. That's ok.

As the Rascal Flatts song says-
You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand.

I'm standing.

I'm not taking it anymore!