Slim Fast:Day 5 (last day)

I just weighed myself before getting in the shower to get ready for school. I weighed in at 246. So from my weigh in at my plasma donation on August 16th I have lost 13 pounds. I'm pretty proud of this! Actually I'm ecstatic!  :) I talked to my aunt today and she's going to help me start eating healthy again. I'm so excited. I can't wait to make these changes permanent. I'm not planning on doing slim fast again unless I need a quick loss. But I got what I needed and wanted. I got to use my motivation and got a jump start on making some real changes. 
Here's to the next stage of my adventure!

Update!

So, I couldn't hold my curiosity at bay.
I just HAD to see if I was losing any weight yet.
I'm on day 3 of my 5 day self challenge of doing the Slim Fast diet.
I just weighed myself about 10 minutes ago.
Saturday night I weighed 253.
Today I was at 248.
That's 5 pounds!!!!
(And...if you count from when I weighed in for donating plasma, got my wake up call and stopped drinking soda I'm down 11 pounds!)
I know that's a lot for such a short time frame.
From what I've heard, read, etc the first few days it can come off fairly fast and then it slows down.
That's ok.
5 pounds makes a difference though.
I really can feel the difference.
I'm not starving (although last night my salad was lacking in the satisfying department...I caved and had an extra meal bar...)
I actually feel like I have energy.
So, today marks 1 full week without soda and 1 full day of no Subway cookies (my biggest downfall).
I'm feeling pretty excited about this!!
I think I might just stick with the Slim Fast thing for awhile. Maybe until I just can't stand it anymore.
Yay!!!
:-D

I know...I'm selfish.

So, 2 weeks ago my bishop told me he had asked the music coordinator in our ward to put together a musical number that would include me.
Last Sunday I finally got music in my hands.
Today we performed.

The song we performed was "Savior, Redeemer of My Soul" from the LDS musical, "Joseph Smith, the Prophet."

I don't know where I heard this song originally (I think it was through Choralaires). But, I know I loved it the first time I heard it. I was excited to get to play it. I really was...even though my faith is lacking and I can't say that I would want to sing the words of the song. I think the music is beautiful beyond words.

So, today we did our musical number.

It went well, especially considering that we put it together this morning.

BUT,
I'm feeling so ridiculously bitter.

The only people that told me good job was the bishop and one of his counselors.

I'm so used to getting numerous compliments. I'm so used to my friends, strangers and people I kind of know coming up to me afterwards and telling me how wonderful I did.

Not ONE SINGLE friend came up to me afterwards.

I've been in this ward since January. I've 'made friends' but I still feel so alone in this ward. I'm so over it.

Despite my struggles with my faith, I put myself into that song. I feel like no one could've cared less that I was involved and was appreciative of what I contributed.

I may as well have not played.

Like I said.

I'm selfish.

I just feel super let down right now.

It's not like I felt anything anyways.

I was just happy to play the piano again. I just don't remember it making me feel this angry (oh wait...there was this one time I played a 28 page long song for the Choralaires...that's when my faith started crashing).

 

Slim Fast

Last week I decided to donate plasma (first time). My carpool buddy does it regularly and he talked me into it. During the process of making sure I could donate I had to step on a scale and be reminded how not light I am. When my 'interviewer/medical person' told me my weight I just about cried. I was one pound short of 260.
That's crazy!!!!!
I have been piling on the weight daily. I made a post on Facebook to vent my disgust with myself. One of my friends responded and got me convinced to give up soda. So, as of today I have made it a week without soda. That's a big deal! Especially with the fact that I work where there are 2 soda fountains that I have unlimited access to.
I was also apparently bloated due to pms, but as of tonight I was at 153. So, whether it was bloating, cutting out soda, differences in scales or some of all, I have dropped some weight since last Friday. Thank heavens!
Thursday night in my pathology class we discussed diabetes. Last week we also had a class discussion on healthy lifestyles and the current obesity crisis. Needless to say, I've been outright depressed. I am overweight and definitely obese. My body is starting to breakdown from it. My legs swell every night to the point of pain. My knees hurt. My feet and ankles hurt and my back hurts.
I've had enough for real this time. I talked to my mom today venting my frustrations. She seemed to think it was OK that I'm gaining weight. I love my mother, but I fear that she has gotten to the point that she has made enough excuses and justified everything so much that she almsot thinks that I should be obese. When I told her I can tell I'm on the fast track to becoming diabetic, she didn't sound sad or disappointed.
THIS MAKES ME SAD.
Oh how it makes me sad!
It also makes me more determined than ever to make some necessary changes.
I may not have the support of my immediate family (pretty certain I'm alone when it comes to them right now...my dad's health is failing, my brother doesn't really communicate with me and my mom has so many nightmares to deal with I feel guilty even texting her), but I don't need them for this. If I'm ever going to have a family of my own I want to be better than this. I want to be a hiking, bike-riding, swimming, running, yoga and Pilates loving health nut (possibly vegetarian).
After my pathology class I vented again my frustrations with my weight. A dear friend from Ogden told me of her friend that does health coaching. I contacted her and might possibly start that program. I'm not sure yet. It involves pre-packaged foods. It can't be a permanent solution as I want to get to eating fresh meals that are free of processed gunk. I want real food, from the earth. But, until I can get to that point, this program may be worth using to get down to my ideal weight. According to my height I should be at about 160 to have a healthy BMI. That means I have about 100 pounds to lose.
Yikes!!!
Since I couldn't afford to plop down almost $100 for my first round of food for the program I talked to that lady about, I decided to hold off for now until I can afford it. But, maybe this Friday (payday) I will do it. As I was feeling that I needed to do something immediately about my commitment to get started, I went to Walmart. I knew that they had a kit from Nutrisystem which is very similar to the program I'm thinking about doing. I found it and started looking at it. I was not impressed. I got to looking down the aisle and saw the countless Slim Fast products. I got to looking and came to the conclusion it was a good place to start. So, I purchased enough shakes and bars to last about 5 (possibly 7, I'm not sure honestly) days. My goal is just to make it 5 days. If I can do this for 5 days it will hopefully kickstart my efforts to lose weight and who knows...maybe I'll just stick with it.
Today was my first day. I had my massage clinic shift and surprisingly enough, I survived just fine. I had a shake for breakfast, a meal bar for lunch and 2 snack bars and a bag of their snack cracker things, then I had a club salad from Subway (thank you perks from work...free food!). I'm a little hungry right now, but if I could bring myself to drink more water I'd probably be just fine. Anyways.
Tonight I weighed 253.
That's my starting weight. When I get to Friday I'll check where I'm at. I'll also decide then what I'm going to do. I saw a video on YouTube of a girl that was on her way to doing the Slim Fast diet for a full year. I don't know if I can do that, but I have started and I can't wait to see where this path takes me.
I still want to learn to cook and prepare healthy meals on my own. But, that won't be happening anytime soon. Maybe after I graduate. Anywho.
Friday.
I can't wait to see where I get to.
:)

A Rondom Venting Session...

...Because I need to...

I don't know why, but I am not handling life very well right now.

I haven't taken my anti-depressant for almost a month now and I'm beginning to realize that was probably a bad idea (even though it wasn't helping THAT much...if anything, I was getting more depressed).

After my car overheated and needed to get a new radiator, I broke down as well.

Every person I'm around (well, ALMOST) drives me up the wall now. I am no longer tolerant and patient (not that I was much of that to begin with). I get anxious and irritated when I have to work with pretty much every one of my coworkers. There are some people in my class at school that I cannot stand at all anymore (one I carpool with...just the sound of her voice makes me anxious). Worst of all...I can't stand myself.

Every morning I wake up in pain. I lay in bed as long as possible because I can't bring myself to put weight on my feet. Besides my achilles tendonitis/tendonosis in my right ankle and my horribly painful sprained left ankle (thank you stolen wallet night almost 3 months ago...yes...3! months ago), I have plantar fasciitis. My knees are also painful (possibly arthritic...it runs in my family). My back is messed up as well still (yay for chronic pains!) To say the least, it hurts to walk to the bathroom. I absolutely hate getting up in the morning. Then I go to the bathroom and have to endure some issues in that area (if you must know...hemorrhoids are a itchy, painful nightmare). Then I go wash my hands and look at my face. Acne and black hairs on my chin just make me feel less happy to be me. After 'washing' my face (warm water splash and a good wipe with a towel) I stumble back to my bedroom and get dressed. I can only wear 3 or 4 bottoms because I've gained enough weight that nothing fits...and since I have to wear black for work AND school, my choices are limited anyways. Black is so depressing! Then, I stumble out the door, limping all the way to my car and drive to work.
Work involves dealing with very difficult people.
My coworkers are fun people. I like most of them. I really do. BUT, I have had enough of them for now. I REALLY need a break from them. I burn out easily.
The customers I have to deal with are absolutely ridiculous. So many people call in and complain over a STUPID sandwich. I am not very patient and tolerant (as stated before). Not anymore at least. I am so tired of making sandwiches. I am so tired of making food for other people. I am sooooo tired of everything that has to do with the food industry.
Most days I get off work at 5pm. That gives me enough time to go home, eat my dinner, shower and go over to my friend's house for our carpool to school.
After sitting in a classroom for 3.5 hours We drive back, I go home, and sit at my computer on play on my phone until I'm tired enough to fall asleep. It's already almost 1am now and I'm just barely starting to feel like heading to the bedroom. When I finally fall asleep, I usually toss and turn and wake up at least once (during the winter I was too cold, now during the summer I'm too hot, or I have to pee).
I repeat this process Monday through Thursday. Friday I work and then go home and clean and do laundry.
Saturday I wake up in time to shower, get dressed, hit McDonald's for breakfast and drive to clinic. I get there around 12:30 and start my shift by 1pm. I do 5 50 minute massages, clean up and go home so exhausted that I just sit until I fall asleep. Sunday I wake up in time to get ready for and go to church (usually late, because I just have no motivation to go now). I sit through classes and meetings, play the organ and go home and sit around alone wondering what I'm supposed to do until I go to bed. Then it starts all over again.

I'm burned out, depressed and now I've started having panic attacks. The past couple of days the noise, negativity and depression have caused literal chest pain and breathing issues.

I don't know how other people in my class are doing more. I just don't know how it's happening.

Everyone says eat better, exercise, drink more water, set enough and adequate sleep.

I don't know how to do this.

I lack all motivation.

I have no discipline.

Where do I start?

I know I need to make a lot of changes, but I just don't even know where to start.

I ache everywhere. My depression literally, physically hurts.

I want to burst into tears every day.

I want to shut out the loud world and escape.

I want someone to talk to and have physical contact with (I NEED to be touched...I hate hat HATE being so alone all the time).

I need to be alone (with a loved one) in a quiet place away from everything.

What do I do?

I get easily overwhelmed and I am so overwhelmed right now I can barely function.  

GROSS!!!

SO...a few weeks ago, the day before I started clinic, I got a sore throat. It went away the next day and I didn't think much of it. The following week I had indigestion and took some pepto. The next morning my tongue was covered in a nice black film (I promise it was from the pepto...I even looked it up). While checking my mouth to see that I had removed most or all of the black nasty from my tongue, I noticed a nice white spot on the back of my throat. I have felt crappy and thought maybe I had strep. But, my throat never really got sore (other than that one day). So, I just ignored it. I hoped that the white spot would go away on its own. It didn't. So...laugh if you must,  I consulted Doctor Google (it's a LOT cheaper than a copay over $100). I couldn't make up my mind what to do. I was still concerned it might be strep, but there is also the possibility of what's called a tonsilith, or a tonsil stone. I had NO idea those could even exist until I saw them in the interwebz. Anyways. This past week the spot has gotten larger. So, tonight I decided to do what the Google page told me to do and I took a q-tip to my tonsil. First a little white blob came off. I got a little grossed out and decided to see if I could get the rest. On this second attempt, that lovely, nasty white blob popped out as if I had just popped a very large zit.  I almost threw up. I didn't think I was that sqemish, but I guess I am. So there it is folks. A tonsilith for your enjoyment. I really hope I don't have to do this again. Now I have a nice hole in my tonsil. Huh.

Oh Dear...

So, when I walked into my massage class one of my first thoughts was to scan the room to see if there were any attractive men (I'm OBVIOUSLY a single female). There was only one guy that caught my eye.
After about a week while I would walk in he would say "I love you Heather".......
Turns out he's a lot older than he looks, is divorced, has 7 adopted children and....
he's gay
 :-(

That still doesn't stop me for some stupid reason.

I guess you can't control who you feel chemistry for.

I wish I could fall into his arms and be held.

Ahh....why are all the attractive, good guys (despite conflicting lifestyle choices) gay (or married already)???

GRRRRRRRRRR

:)

Reflecting and Looking Forward

Today as I was playing prelude music for Sacrament meeting I played a hymn that has come to have some personal meaning for me throughout the years. Hymn #114 Come Unto Him is my mother's favorite hymn (last I heard at least). So, every time I play it I think of her. Then, a few years ago I had the opportunity to accompany the Ogden LDS Institute Choralaires with that hymn. I loved getting to play it over and over and actually get to do some phrasing with it and so on as opposed to just playing it for congregational singing.
Then, we got word that President Boyd K. Packer was doing a fireside at our institute just for us (not a broadcasted fireside). Naturally the Choralaires got asked to provide the music. Apparently that hymn, "Come Unto Him," is President Packer's favorite hymn.
As time drew near for the fireside I hit a road bump with the situation. The same Sunday we were supposed to sing that hymn for that fireside, me and a few others were also supposed to play a concert with the WSU orchestra (our concerts were always on Sunday nights). The fireside was at 6pm and the concert started at 7:30pm.
We were ALL worried.
President Packer isn't known for his speedy talks (at least in my opinion).
I can't tell you how close I came to asking for the back-up accompanist on that hymn to play and getting out of playing. I'm so glad I didn't.
I honestly can't remember a dang thing Pres. Packer said, but I remember that experience.
We were all praying that the fireside would get out on time and that we would make it to our concert and still have time to warm up and be ready to play.
The fireside finished 15 minutes early. It was amazing.
Everything worked out...miraculously. Seriously. 

So, today as I was playing that hymn that memory and many others came flooding back.

I have been so very lucky in my past.

I got to play the piano and sing for so many things.

I've sung in a choir for General Conference, I've sung in numerous CES Firesides, one of which was one that President Monson spoke at. I even got the chance to accompany the choir during a CES fireside in which Elder D. Todd Christofferson spoke. He came down to meet the choir directors and I got to shake his hand.

I've had the opportunity to meet L. Tom Perry and President Monson in other places.

I have nothing to complain about. Or rather, I shouldn't complain.

I was truly blessed with amazing experiences.

Right now might be ridiculously difficult, but I have to have hope that it is for a good reason and that I will be a better person for it.

I really miss my life from when I was in school in Ogden. Those probably were the best years of my life (at least for now...I sure hope those aren't THE best years...oh man I really hope...).

It's taken me awhile to figure this out, probably too long, but oh well. At least I figured it out before it was too late. I have been blessed and I need to remember that. Things will get better...maybe not today, tomorrow, this week, or even this year, but I am stating now that I have hope that it will get better.