Just Friends

I always have the perfect blog planned out in my mind and then I get to this screen and my mind goes blank. Fail.
My life has been on the most extreme roller coaster as of yet. I will be talking about people in this. If you happen to read this and know that it's you I'm talking about, deal with it. I need to vent, and really don't know who to talk to. Sometimes writing things out is the best therapy, but knowing that no one will be able to see it makes it feel useless. Therefore I am posting it to this blog. I think I have a couple of readers...so, yeah. Enjoy...or whatever. You really don't need to read this unless you want to hear me complain. (Something I do a lot apparently)

So, I'm not even sure where to begin.

The biggest thing on my mind right now is a guy (shocker) and those 2 words that haunt every possible relationship known to mankind. "Just friends." What a way to kill any possible excitement for me. Last week I came to the conclusion that I never wanted to get married. This was more than just giving up. It was a full reversal on the idea. Last week I started looking at my life in a way that I knew I was going to be living alone and providing for only myself (and maybe some cats and/or dogs). I guess when you get too far off 'the path' something will happen in your life to make you realize it and you get pulled back into the whole mess that is the single life wanting to not be single.

So, a couple of weeks prior to this I received an instant message from an old friend/past date-ee that I haven't really heard from since August. If you read my blog, you will probably remember my account of going to Logan, dancing in the street, holding hands, etc. Well, folks...he has returned. Sort of. I think if my life were ever to be a movie or have a movie character in it, this guy would be IT. He is my movie life. Maybe that's why I find it so hard to believe most of the time. Anyways. We shall call him Logan. Just for the sake of not calling him by his real name...I have to feel like I'm trying to be discrete. HA...
Anyways.
So, as I was saying. I received an instant message from him. He has moved and now lives (in a round about way) a couple blocks away. Suddenly, he's back in my life. He started talking to me online almost every night. We decided to 'hang out' (those evil words make me shudder sometimes) at the duck pond last weekend. We had a wonderful walk around the pond and campus. There is something about this guy that I don't quite get, but I like it. Every time we talk it turns into important conversations. I'm not sure how and why, but it happens almost every time. Like I said, I don't quite get it. But, with some recent events in my life, it's just what I needed...and then some. I had a great time. I'm not sure what he was thinking. Online talking has continued...for the most part. Then, Tuesday we went to the same institute class. Another friend of mine had been trying to get me to go to the same class, but I was avoiding it to a certain extent...there are many reasons why, but that's not important right now. So, after him inviting me to go...I figured I should just go. I'm sure the Lord needed me to go that night (about 99.999999% sure on that one). Anyways. I sat with my other friend. I didn't know what to do. Anyways...where am I going with this???
He and I had the conversation that he was only dating for friends and I wasn't in any position to deal with a relationship right now. Well...that may have been true when I said it. But, it isn't anymore. I forgot what it's like to have a guy in my life.
There is another guy that I dated for a very short time that I still see on a weekly basis. The more and more I interact with him, the more I really like him. It has been hard to fight those feelings, since well...I just can't like him right now (among other things, I'm pretty sure he's not terribly interested in me anymore). I also recently ventured into the online dating world. Started emailing and eventually texting a guy that lives in San Diego. He NEVER once tried to call me. At that time, it was perfect. I just needed to have someone to talk to...(preferably a guy, because honestly, I'm just tired of 'girl' friends...and I really do prefer texting, sadly enough). So, I was ok with it. That stopped a couple of weeks ago...I'm not worried about it. It was never very real to me. So....with all this...I guess the right thing for me has been what has been. I had the San Diego conversations, and I had the past date-ee to flirt with once and awhile to get it out of my system. I thought I was fine. I didn't need anyone in my life. I was FINE!
Then Logan started back up. I'm still not sure how serious I would want to be with him due to too many different reasons. But, we have conversations that I crave to have in my life. He's been a good friend to me. And it's too hard for me to hold on and be 'just friends.' I have to keep reminding myself that every time I think about him. I was FINE. Why did I have to be reminded that I like the male version of our species and that I really do want to get married??? I was so much better off being happy as a single person.
WHYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!
I need a corner to go cry in.
The end.

Impromptu

Any time I hear one of the 4 Impromptus written by Schubert (Op. 90) I feel inspired. Actually, to say that I feel inspired is to put it mildly. I feel my heart leaping out of my chest. I feel my mind thinking of the notes. I feel my body move with the music. My fingers ache to be playing the piano when I hear any of those pieces. My soul yearns to be creating that music.
I don't know why these pieces have such a particular pull on my heart. Maybe it's because I can play them in some form or another. The second Impromptu was a song I actually tried to learn on my own during high school. I had the first page memorized, but it never went beyond that. It's hard music, but it's music I can actually play (well...I'm not so sure about the 4th Impromptu...that one is a little beyond my abilities at the moment). I wish I could explain what I'm feeling right now. I think my biggest regret in life is not doing more with the one true gift I have been given in this life. I gave up on piano in 7th grade. After hearing some new age music by Jon Schmidt, I feel in love with playing the piano again. In high school I learned a piano piece almost every year for the solo and ensemble festival. After 2 horrific experiences of forgetting the last page while performing (2 separate years), I gave up. I knew I could never be the pianist I thought I would be. So, I focused on clarinet. It was worth it for the experiences I've had with that instrument and I hope I never stop playing. But, my one true love has always been the piano. I get asked to accompany time and time again for small musical numbers and so on. I always feel so inadequate since my technical abilities reached their peak in 7th grade when I starting taking from a professor at BYU. I wish I could do more. There are so many more able players out there that I always feel unworthy of accompanying such wonderful musicians. But, even so, with any mistakes I make, I always enjoy doing it. It is not uncommon for me to be complimented on my playing (as an accompanist...something I'm not sure is done very often). So, after so many compliments and being told that I have a gift...is it a wonder that I feel like I need to do something about this and start over? I hope my saying that I have a gift doesn't come out snooty or pompous or anything like that. I really don't know what I sound like when I play. I know what people tell me. If a highly respected piano professor (Dr. Vanderbeek at WSU) tells you you have a gift, you probably want to believe it. :) If I had a piano right now, I would probably be pounding at the keys to my soul's delight. When I was at home, I would play all the time and play what fit my mood. Music was my therapy. I didn't know what stress was until I got to college...and I think my lack of being able to cope with it was due to me not being able to play whenever I needed to.
Anyways.
What I'm trying to say at this very moment (as I'm listening to those Impromptus), is this:
My life has felt so dead lately. I feel like I'm in the deepest, darkest hole possible. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and I have no sense of direction. I have had no idea what I want to do with my life and I have no idea how to get myself out of this hole. Things have happened in my life this past week that have led me to this conclusion. I want to take piano lessons again. I want to audition for the piano program at Weber. I want to go back to school. And, I want to get a degree in piano pedagogy. I want to perform at Concerto Night. I want to accomplish something in my life that I'll be proud of (Yes, playing first chair at a concert in Carnegie Hall is impressive and fun to brag about, but I really never felt any heart in that performance). I am very much like my mother. My mom got a degree in piano pedagogy at BYU. I love her dearly and as a child always wanted to do what she did when I grew up. It wasn't a matter of thinking I would. I just assumed I would. So, in an impromptu way, I think I will be signing up for piano lessons this week and taking that first step in my life towards a dream I'm daring to dream. The first dream I've ever really had. I want to share my soul with the world. I share myself best through music. Piano has always been my better instrument.
Wish me luck, pray for me and...please, PLEASE don't let me give up. :)