MAN! I feel like a WOMAN!!!

So, I had been bothered by some friends today about going to the institute activity tonight. It was a talent show and I wasn't terribly interested in going. But, when I found out that a few of my friends were involved...I decided to go. The talent show was great. Then, they said something about a dance. Dance?! I didn't know there was going to be a dance! I HATE dances! The last one I went to was about 3 or 4 years ago. I became a wallflower and that was the last time I was EVER going to go. But, once again, peer pressure succeeded. I stayed for the dance. I had a great time. Then, my stomach got upset, so I had to leave for a few minutes. When I finished in the ladies' room, I walked out to the main lobby area. There was a table with bright yellow papers on it. I HAD to investigate! It was a bunch of sign up sheets for committees next year. I've been thinking about joining one for awhile lately. I really feel like I need/want to get involved. So, I started trying to make up my mind which committee to join. When all of a sudden, this really cute guy bumped into me. He elbowed me and asked if I was going to join a committee. I said that I was thinking about it, but that I couldn't make up my mind. Anyways. We kind of flirted a bit....and a funny thing happened. A friend of his and a girl were dancing (in the lobby...go figure) and they very lightly...if even at all....bumped into this guy....he totally over-exaggerated the motion and grabbed onto me. He held my side and everything. There was nothing inappropriate...don't worry. :) Anyways. So, we flirted some more and it was just amazing. Wow....I think I just lied in my title...maybe this isn't a first. huhmmm......... Anyways. After awhile he was like....so what's your name? We shook hands and stuff (weird...I know). Then he was like "I'm sure we'll see each other again" and I said "that would be great"...he smiled and we parted ways. I wish that he had asked for my number! Ahhh!!! He was SOOOOOO handsome! AHH!!!! Maybe I will see him again. If it's what's right in my life at this time, it will happen. I'm not on the hunt. The previous blog was supposed to make that point. I really would love to have a boyfriend and have a dating life, but I just don't want it right now. Anyways. I'm grateful for the moment. It was great. I may never see the guy again. Who knows. But, for once, I felt like a normal girl/woman (whatever I am these days).
:)

Cursed be the man sitting next to me...

Ah....the cursor appeared. Yay!....sorry, random tangent.
Anyways. I must vent right now about a certain person sitting in the room on the couch next to me. He can't see what I'm typing...at least...I don't think he can...can you!?!?! :)
(I almost expected him to say yes there for a second)
Anyways.
This man has an interesting history with out apartment. He is in the same ward as my now-engaged-roommate Charla. She would tell me last semester that she liked him and I was happy for her and stuff. Then she found out that he had asked out her best friend. So, that was over for her. Then, we got a new roommate named Makayla. She went to a fireside with previously mentioned Charla. Makayla met this guy....named Neil. There was much flirting. Neil is now a regular at our apartment. To be honest, he drives me crazy. He's rich. He is extremely nice. Almost too nice sometimes. Anyways. He treats Makayla as if she were a princess. Which...I guess she is...(every girl is a princess). As the weeks have gone by and he has been over here, I have become increasingly annoyed with him. But with this annoyment, I have started to feel something for him. I feel like I'm in one of those weird love stories. Anyways. I'm running short on time. Today it was bad....I couldn't even look at him. I don't want to feel this way about someone like him. Ahhhh!!!! Everytime I look at him....ahh...and then he hangs around Makayla...and it makes me frustrated. Anyways...
The End....for now....

A list:

Favorite song: Beethoven's 6th Symphony

Favorite food/beverage item: water

Favorite class: Choralaires

Favorite experience of the past week: Getting a new kitten....and the Spring Show

Favorite hug: from Renee

Favorite thing about today: my car made it to the shop without dying a terrible death

Favorite rescuer: Jessica Slater...she has has saved me twice now with having to take the car into the shop.

Favorite thought: Finals are NEXT week!!!!!!!

Favorite toy: the rubber chicken of Charla's that makes the funniest noise you've ever heard!!!

Favorite out-of-control moment: spraying hairspray on my mirror with my elbow...it was random.

Favorite encounter: Meeting the cute guy at the bank (unfortunately he's married). He was so helpful!!!!

Favorite phone call of the day: my mommy :)

Favorite lying-on-the-floor-laughing-too-hard moment: squeaking the previously mentioned rubber chicken :)

Favorite feeling: not having my eyes burn because they are so dry from crying...it lasted a few minutes :)

Favorite reminder: My Heavenly Father Love Me!!!

This is a Great Country

It really is. What a blessing it is to be in such a wonderful place at such an amazing time. What a gift it is to be somewhere where we can receive the blessings of the gospel. My life has been richly blessed and I need to write about it. I suppose this is more personal diary stuff, but I'm falling asleep and if I go in my room to write in my journal, I won't get everything done. Anyways.
Before our last showing of the institute spring show I had the opportunity to bear my testimony. Since we were short on time, I had to condense everything I wanted to say. There is a song that we sang in the program that has become a great source of comfort for me. It is a reminder to me of the love of our Heavenly Father.
~My Shepherd Will Supply My Need~
My Shepherd will supply my need, Jehovah is His name. In pastures fresh he makes me feed, beside the living stream. (suddenly I can't remember the words...and I really don't want to get up to get them...I'll have to edit this later...)
Anyways. There are certain lines that have particular meaning for me.

"He brings my wand'ring spirit back when I forsake His ways."
I cannot even begin to explain what this phrase means to me. I won't try to explain. But, it is SO TRUE. He knows when we are struggling. He knows how much we can take. He knows what it will take to get us back. For me, it was Choralaires. The music, the friends, the examples and the Spirit that is felt there everyday in rehearsal.

"Thy hand in sight of all my foes doth still my table spread"
I'm not 100% sure of what this phrase means, but I know that His hand will be there when we face our enemies. Today, my enemy was Satan. Everything that could go wrong pretty much did go wrong. My dress ripped...twice. My car isn't safe to drive anymore. And everything just keeps piling up on me. Yesterday when I was trying to mend my dress (the first time) I felt panicked. I think I actually swore....yes, I did, sadly. After a moment though, I realized that what I was feeling was completely ridiculous. I finally calmed down. The show went well that night, but it wasn't anything special for me. Then this morning I just felt so...off. It was my only chance to clean. So, I cleaned. But, I ended up not giving myself enough time to get ready for the afternoon show. In the process of trying to get ready, I burned my ear with my curling iron. I almost swore, but I was able to control myself this time thankfully. But I sure felt a lot of anger and stress, etc in my heart. I went to the pre-show devotional. Throughout the meeting, I could not concentrate on what was being said. Thoughts and images went through my mind that I did not want. I could not control them though, as hard as I tried. The show started and I still felt wrong. Before singing this wonderful song, I decided that I needed some help. I went to a quiet place and said a prayer. What a wonderful thing that was for me. I had a hard time controlling the tears as I played my clarinet. The words that the choir sang spoke volumes to my soul. Every phrase brought to memory the most recent times that My Shepherd has supplied my needs. I wish I could write them all down, but my thoughts are scattered enough that it won't happen right now. Anyways, my prayer was answered and my foe was stilled. I could write an entire entry on how I felt as we sang "Behold a Royal Army"....that song has a totally different meaning to me now. But that is another blog/entry for another time.

"My cup with blessings overflows"
I have been blessed. I really have. I can't even begin to list the many blessings that I have received. Even through the trials, there were blessings. I didn't want to admit it at times, but they were there. I hope that I have been thankful enough for them. I probably haven't.

"There would I find a settled rest, while others go and come"
It may sound dumb, but when my cat got put to sleep, her 'going' was a great burden on my spirit. She was a source of comfort to me and I just can't even begin to write down what it meant to me that she was gone. This phrase gives me the hope of finding rest in all of this stress.

"No more a stranger, nor a guest, but like a child a at home"
Along with the last phrase, this one has a lot to do with my cat. The weekend that she was put down, we sang at a church that was almost completely identical to my home ward. I have only seen one other building like it It is a not-so-commonly used floor plan. Anyways. So, there was this weird feeling as if I were home. It was really weird. Seriously. Then, my dear friend collapsed on me. This experience made it seem even more like home, since my dad collapses all the time when he has seizures. Even though I had a hard time holding back the tears, there was comfort in being in that building. I felt like I was home. It was wonderful.

He knows us. He knows our needs.
I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I hope that a certain experience today will continue to be a blessing in my life. On our way back to campus tonight, my parents and I stopped at the petco in riverdale. I felt like I needed to go there. I really did. :) My parents decided to get one of th kittens that they had out for adoption. She is not ours yet, since she needs to be spayed, but she truly is an answer to a prayer of sorts for me. When I held her, I couldn't hold back the tears. I will always miss my first cat-Mystie. I love her dearly and I will never forget the power that she had in my life. But, as I held this new kitten, it was like I was back in the 8th grade holding Mystie for the first time. She wouldn't let go of me. She seemed to like me. It felt so good to hold her. She even has similar markings.
I really need to go to sleep. But I can't express enough how full my heart is right now. Heavenly Father supplied my need today. My Savior supplied my need. My prayers were answered. I was comforted. I smiled the most I've ever smiled in a LONG time today. I was actually happy again. There are many wounds in my soul that still need healing, but I think that a few were healed today. I am so thankful for the wonderful blessings in my life. My friends, family, teachers, and cats :). Just to name a few.
Goodnight!

Man it's hot in here!

So, I'm sitting in the University Village computer lab right now. They have a severe problem with the heating in this room. It's an oven. Why I still have my hoodie on is beyond me. I'm a cookin'! :) Oh well. The reason I am here though is quite interesting I'm sure. Well, actually, probably not. First of all, my computer has been dead for over a month now. A friend has kindly let me borrow his laptop, but I had to return it to him yesterday, so I'm confined to the lab again. Then there is the aspect that I really hate being around my roommates sometimes. One is engaged. The other has a missionary. This one with the missionary also has a friend that won't leave her alone. He spoils her, which just adds to the problem that she is already a spoiled brat. Anyways. He's a nice guy, but he's almost too nice. It almost freaks me out. Why he wastes his time with here when there are other 'available' people in the same apartment is beyond me. Phew. Glad I got that off my back.
Today was Stake Conference. After the extreme high I felt from General Conference last week, I was hoping to feel even just a small portion of it again. But, alas, the word 'marriage' was used and I got frustrated. I know that we are supposed to not get upset when they talk about it. Those of us (women) who have not had the opportunity will not be held accountable. I know this. But, it still irritates me to my last nerve. I was even censured by that same friend who lent me his laptop. He said that we should not let any hard feelings keep us from feeling the spirit. I understand. But how do we control our feelings when it is something like that? I have been asked out (seriously) once. That occured in December. I never went out with the guy though. I was not interested at all. I can even tell you of my dating life in a rather short time. I think I just might.
I turned 16 and asked my crush of 2 years (named Jon) to the prom. He couldn't go since he had finals that week at BYU.

For my junior year prom, I asked the cashier (named Matt) at the grovery store. He said yes. One of the stupidest things I've ever done!

My freshman year of college, one of my dear roommates set me up on a double date. His name was Jon. It went ok, but it was really awkward for me. We went to that really expensive restaraunt they just tore down next to Temple Square. (the INN??) Anyways. It was super expensive and I barely knew the guy. The following Sunday we said hi and stuff, but I never really ever saw him after that.

Then for my birthday another roommate set me up on a surprise group date (I don't remember his name). That was a lot of fun, but the guy would NOT shut up! He drove me nuts. I did bowl a 122 though. So, there are happy memories from that night.

Later...or maybe before now that I think about it, I was asked to fill in last-minute on a group date. That was nothing super special. The guy I was paired with was named Jon. (see a pattern here??? And no, they are none of them the same person!)

A year or 2 went by. My friend (not a Jon) came home from his mission. I went to go visit him. We went to a wedding reception of a friend of mine. Then we went and walked around Temple Square to see the lights. He tried. But I guess I was wanting more or something. I made sure my hand was available for holding. I tried to talk to him and stand next to him. He kept wandering off. Yeah...we've tried to do the relationship thing more than once...it's NEVER going to happen. He won't ever keep his word to write me. Grr...I fyou see this Danny....that's why!

Then, a year ago, a friend of mine took me to get ice cream once. That was fun. It felt like a date. I thought it was a date, but then the second time (when we went to Carl's Jr.) he told me that I could pay him back. JERK!

Then, in December, another John asked me out. Yes, I was actually asked out. But, eventually he got a text from telling him to leave me alone. I hadn't heard from him since he asked me out and then he started calling me on Valentine's Day. What is up with that?! I was not interested in him. I could've said yes to be nice, but that would be leading him on. Something, which I have learned is not the best thing to do.

So, that, my friends is my dating life in a nutshell. It sucks. I've tried the online dating thing. I have one word for that. Creeps.

So...with that out. How the heck am I supposed to feel when the word marriage is used. Guys usually ignore me whenever I'm around. It's like I have a big sign on my forehead that says 'Stay away!'
Ahh the world of men makes me irritable. Hence, why I have decided to go to grad school, and become a professional musician. If I'm sinlge, I can handle all the gigs that will be offered! Ha!! I will be a crazy cat lady. And I will like it. :)

To be honest though, I really don't like the idea of being married so much anymore. Wow...I really sound bitter right now, don't I? Oi. I don't mean to, but then again, I suppose I am. If it is the right thing for me, it will happen. I'm sure of that. But, right now, it's not what I want. I'm not searching for it. I would rather just learn to be friends with the guys I'm around. I always seem to get along with guys that I don't see as a threat. Is that funny or what?! My guy friends are either guys that are too young for me, already taken, or I'm totally not interested in them. If I have any feeling of interest, I sut down and never have anything to say to them. HA! It's quite perplexing.

It's really late, but I need to just say...

I'M FREE!!!!!!!
YAY!!!!!!
Tonight I saw a dear friend of mine, but due to certain circumstances, I hope to never see him again. It feels so good to have said goodbye, hugged and parted ways. Things just seem to be getting better for once. :) It's terrible to say that I'm glad that I'll never see him again...but when you've had a crush on someone for 4...almost 5 years and that person gets married and tells you that they're expecting their first child...it just helps to move on...without that person interfering. Anyways.
Also, tonight I played the Brahms Clarinet Trio for the last time...hopefully...for a while. I'm sure I'll want to play it again someday, especially if I'm going to be going to grad school. But, for now, no more Brahms!!! JOY!!!!! :):):)
The end...:)

Sleep???

Oi...I'm wide awake right now. It's almost 1am. It's the end of the semester and all I want to do is stay up late and sleep in the following morning. All I want to do is dance and sing and have fun. None of this 6 and 7 page paper crud that I'm supposed to do. Ugh, I can't wait for school to be over! :)

I am defeated!

Yeah...it truly is a sad day. As I type this, I am on the verge of tears. Truly, this news that I must bear is disturbing and disheartening.
With heavy heart I regret to announce that I did my laundry at the laundromat today. :(
I am ashamed.
I usually do my laundry when I go home for the weekend. But, since life is hectic and I have no more weekends to go home until school is over with, I had to give in. I aquired the necessary quarters and made my way to the laundromat with my loaded laundery basket. It is a sad day.

Anyways :)

The reason I say ANYTHING about this is this:
I went the ENTIRE year without doing my laundry at the laundry room in the community center. I hate the facilities there. The dryers fry my clothes and they always come out extremely wrinkled (moreso than when I use the dryer at my parents' house). Plus, it's a pain to find quarters. The change machine never works. Oh well. I have clean clothes. That's what matters. Yay for clean clothes!!!! :)

A few things I learned this weekend from General Conference

First of all, I have to say that I really wasn't looking forward to General Conference this time. I have been extremely busy and stressed out and really wanted to sleep in on Saturday (as long as possible). I have so much homework that I need to catch up on. The apartment is a complete mess and no one will seem to do their part to clean it. Anyways. Then there's the spiritual depression I've been going through. Satan did his part to make me not want to watch. But, I decided to watch. It has been one of the most wonderful conferences I have ever listened to or watched. It seemed as if almost every talk was written just for me. Some of course didn't apply to me (at first-such as the talk about abuse, or motherhood), but the spirit was there and it was strong. Throughout the week in Choralaires we had been told to do what we need to to prepare for the conference. As previously mentioned in another blog, my testimony has been attacked to the extremes. So, being in an already broken-hearted state I decided to pray about conference this weekend. It's just so amazing that even one prayer like that can be answered. So, with that, I want to share some things that I learned (or was reminded of) and felt during this conference time. Some is a little too private and won't ever make it to this page, but a good deal I feel needs to be shared.
-Salvation is an individual matter, exhaltation is a family matter.
-We need to remember the experiences that have either sprouted or strengthened our testimonies.
-Never be sastisfied by anything less than your best efforts.
-President Monson is always concerned for the 'one'...we should be as well.
-President Eyring is truly a Prophet, Seer and Revelator.
-Scientific results will not wield in spiritual knowledge.
-More than once was it mentioned that we need to have a sincere desire to really know.
-Some testimonies are better gained on the feet that bear (or is it bare?...oh my I need to go back to elementary school:)) them than on the knees that are praying for them.
-Those who have the gift to know have the duty to bear their testimony to those who have the gift to hear.
-Anyone can disagree with a testimony, but no one can refute it.
-Robert D. Hales bore a testimony that reminded me of Bruce R. McConkie's. It was one of the most beautiful testimonies I have ever heard.
-The Holy Ghost speaks with a voice that is felt rather than heard.
-The Lord is nigh unto him that is of a broken heart (a comforting thought to me right now).
-The spirit carries things unto us, but not into us. We are the keepers of our own hearts.
-We must ask Heavenly Father for the capapcity to trust Him.
-We must seek to be rescued.
-Everyone has been prepared for the positions which they hold.
-The scriptures do not point to themselves. They are only manifestations of the only true source of knowledge, which is God.
-Blessings require work on our part.
-Missionaries are full-time teachers. We are full-time seekers.
-Each of us needs God's help in surrendering to His will.
-We must NEVER lower our standards to fit in. Our good example will attract others to our strength of characters.
-Though I weep through the night, joy will come in the morning.

These are just a few things that I felt impressed to remember. It seemed to me that there was a big point made that we can't just ask for help (whatever kind of help that may be). We need to be actively engaged in our own salvation. We cannot just ask, we must act.

Also, I have to comment on our wonderful new Prophet. I remember sitting at the television as a child, listening to President Thomas S. Monson during General Conference. He was one of the very few I understood. I loved to listen to his talks. He always said things that a child could understand. When President Hinckley passed away, I knew that everything would be ok. But, for some reason I struggled with the idea of President Monson being the new prophet. I really don't know why. I guess we each need our own witness. As he was giving his closeing remarks, his humility and love were evident. He truly is our prophet. He will be wonderful. I am excited to see what wonderful things he will do for the church and the world. :)

I am actually quite sad that conference is over. The spirit was there and it was strong. Heavenly Father is mindful of our needs. Truly, He is.

It's the weekend!!!!

JOY! I can't say how happy I am that tomorrow is Saturday. I seriously collapsed last night (and I NEVER have done that before) and almost did again today after Choralaires. It's been a VERY stressful couple of weeks! Tomorrow is the last night of Assassins, thankfully. It's been fun and I really want to keep playing in musicals and such. I LOVE IT!!! I could do it for the rest of my life! Seriously! How do I get to the point of being able to be good at it...I have yet to figure out. Maybe I need to get performance degrees in some other instruments or something. I'm not sure, but I sure know that I really want to do it for the rest of my life. I love to play. I love to be a part of something like that all the time. I thrive on this kind of stress. I really do. The homework aspect of school sucks, but I love the musical stress. Anyways. I did something kind of crazy. On facebook, I added the 'are you interested?' application. I've gotten some good responses by some VERY cute guys. I don't know what I'm doing. One guy even suggested possibly going out. Me!?!?! Go out!?!?! HA! The thought makes me laugh! My roommate just got engaged tonight. I told her that I'm happy being single and that I want it to be that way for a long time (so I can get my many musical instruments learned and such). She said that she had felt the same way a few months ago. Look where she is now! AHHH! NO! :) To be honest, I really would love to have a relationship with a wonderful guy and all, but I really don't know how I'll handle it if it ever happens. Anyways. Here's to moving forward! I really think I like that movie Meet the Robinsons! There are a lot of good lessons in it! :) Anyways. :) Later!

I love my job

Today was extremely weird. But, I got to go to work today, and that made it so much better. :) If you don't know, I work as an accompanist at a dance school here in Ogden. I just started 4 weeks ago. It's wonderful. The children make me smile and the dance instructor is wonderful as well. I feel so talented when I'm in there. It's WEIRD! :) Anyways. Today one of the girls had colored some paper cats and a butterfly for Jessica (the dance instructor). We ended up sharing pictures of our cats. Jessica asked the girl if she would like to give me one of the paper cats. I just about cried like crazy. I thought that I had cried myself dry....I guess not. :) Maybe it's the stress more than anything that is making me want to cry. I have a 6 page paper that is over 2 weeks late. And at least 4 more papers to write before the semester is over with. Plus I have to write a teaching sample-plan-thing by Tuesday. I have no time. I'm playing in this musical. It's taking up all of my night time. I thought maybe I'd get a break, but next week I'm involved in a recital...and it's the 'calm' before the storm I suppose. Monday night will be free. Tuesday-dress rehearsal from 6-9 for band. Wednesday-Band concert. Thursday-Choir dress rehearsal. Friday and Saturday-Institute Spring Show. Sunday-Concerto night concert with the orchestra. I've learned to call this marathon week. It's been like this for the past 3 years (ever since I joined Chorale...and now choralaires). I love it, but I just don't know how I"m going to handle it this year to be honest. Usually I get sick during that week (it's happened more than once). But I'm already sick. Ugh. Anyways. I need to get to my homework. I'm so tired though. I have no idea what I'm writing about. I'll be lucky to get by with a C in this class. Oi. What's that line from Meet the Robinsons??? Keep moving forward??? Yeah....I think I like that phrase :)

My life as it should have been...

So, I have a dear friend that got her mission call today. I'm so happy for her. I truly am. It will be the best thing she goes through (untill she gets married and has a family...or so I've heard). At the same time though, I am feeling unrested in my soul and mind. When I was planning on what school to go to, I always thought it would be cool to go to a junior college (most likely Snow), go on a mission and transfer to BYU. It was an ideal idea. Thing didn't work out that way. I ended up going to Weber State. Before I turned 21 I took a couple of mission prep classes at institute. I really did intend to go on a mission. I had this strange feeling that I needed to go. But, I also felt like it wouldn't happen. I could never figure out if that was just me freaking out, or what. But, I kept moving towards the idea of going. In the fall, in my mission prep class...taught by Bro. Simon, only this time it was a substitute...I was sitting there and I had a VERY strong impression that I needed to go as soon as possible. This meant leaving school after the fall semester and missing my junior recital and a band trip to washington dc. I went to my next class (Chorale) crying. I felt so strongly that it was what I needed to do. But, I already had commitments that I really didn't want to get out of. I confided in my dear friend, Jaron, about this. He and I sat next to each other in the accompanists' section. He was so comforting at that time. I'll never forget his kindness to me that night. Well. I didn't do what I felt so strongly about. How could I? I have never acted on something quite like that before. Anyways. I went through the following semester with not too many problems. And, when it came time, I told Dr. Root that I would be going on a mission and that I would not be there the next school year. It was an interesting feeling I got that compelled me to tell him. I don't even think I can describe it. So, I went home for the summer, got a job and started working on my papers. Things were fine. I was anxious and nervous, but I went to work with a happy spirit because I was working for a greater purpose (to save up for th mission). As the month went by, the papers were not finished. I had set a goal with my bishop to have them done and in by June so I coule possibly leave by August. Things moved slowly. As time went on, I got more anxious and started having panic attacks at work. I could barely breath. It was terrible. Then, once the fall semester started and I still didn't have my papers in, I got really stressed out. I had the worst struggles I've ever had (up to that point at least). In October or November, I had all of the papers finished and had turned them into the Bishop. But, I was developing a problem with my stomach. I guess it was my nerves...I don't know still. But, I would wake up every morning feeling like I was going to throw up. It was terrible. The feeling usually lasted until at least noon. I could barely get myself to eat. After a month of this, I went to my doctor and asked for help. He started asking me some random questions that had nothing to do with my stomach problems (I thought I had an ulcer...still do, actually) and after I started crying, he told me that the problem was Irritable Bowel Syndrome, caused by low seretonin levels. I was grateful he didn't come out with the word 'depression' right away. But, it still doesn't seem to make much sense. He started me on an anti-acid medication and an anti-depressant. He told me that it would be at least 3 months before I could leave for a mission with these new medications (to make sure they were working and so on). So, I decided that I could get in another semester of school in 3 months. So, I called up Dr. Root one morning and asked if I could come back. He was so glad to hear that I wanted to come back. I was glad to be returning. I can't say how wonderful that first day back was. It was HEAVEN! I saw my friends, I got to play my clarinet again (with a purpose) and I was learning again. But, I was still sick. I struggled through that semester like no other. I had never failed a class (and still haven't technically....but to me, failing up at Weber is getting a C- or lower, since it won't count towards graduation), but I got a C- in one class. Life has not been easy since I came back. It has been one thing after another. To say the least, my testimony has been torn to shreds. The foundation has been pounded on and shaken to its very core. Only a couple weeks ago I seriously considered choosing not to believe anymore. It has been a nightmare of universal proportions (to me at least). Anyways. Last week I got a call that has made me realize how dumb I've been in my doubts. Everyone is free to doubt, but why doubt something you know? It doesn't make sense to me. It really doesn't. This past Friday my cat was put to sleep. She had been one of my main sources of comfort in this hell that I've been going through lately. I am still not fully over the idea that she is dead. I guess I've just blocked out the thought for now. Anyways. On Sunday was a Choralaire Sunday. I really didn't want to go. I just wanted to stay home and cry. But, I went. I'm so glad I went. I haven't felt the spirit like that in a LONG time. I was wounded on the inside, but the warmth I felt cannot be denied. The first song we sang was "All Things Bright and Beautiful". I had to hold back tears the entire time. All I could think about was my cat. Then we sang "God is Love" (I think). The line that says "Of the breeze and of the bird"...made me think of my cat as well. I had a hard time not feeling angry towards God for taking away my cat. She was what I considered an expression of His love to me in my life. And now she was gone. But, as the meeting progressed, along with Bro. Simon continually telling us to smile, and the talks that were given, I felt warm inside. I felt comforted. No one really knew what I was going through and I wanted it that way, since I knew I would cry if I talked about it. It was definately a hard say for me. But, once again, I felt so peaceful. The music was so powerful. The songs "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" and "Rock of Ages" have been personal favorites of mine since I heard them sung in the last institute spring show (Rock of Ages is why I auditioned for Choralaires...but that's another story). Anyways. I just can't express how wonderful it was to me to hear those songs at that time. In another odd twist, the building that we sang at first was almost identical to my home ward. It was a little weird for me. And then a friend of mine collapsed into my arms before the meeting. I've had to catch my dad like that before at home. It was all a little too parallel-ish to me. Anyways. The whole purpose of this blog is to state that I am now feeling some regret for not going on a mission. I think I may be on the right path again. It is going to be a long road. But, as I'm seeing the light again, I'm seeing the possibility of going on a mission again. I don't know if it's because my friend is going, if it's because of all of these people getting engaged (that just makes me sick), if it's because I'm coming to a crossroad in my life in the next year or what. I may just be feeling this way because I'm jealous. It've very possible. There are many outside reasons I should serve a mission. I can put a lot of pressure on myself about those things. But, in the end, I think I may try it again. I don't know what will come of this. I really don't. But, I think I need to not neglect this idea. I would really love to serve a humanitarian mission. I really would. But, we'll see I guess.

A New Blog

This hopefully won't be terribly long, since I really should be writing a paper. But, I feel like starting a new blog and inviting people to read it. Ha ha...like you'll want to and all. :) Anyways. Tonight was the second night of Assassins. It's a musical by Stephen Sondheim. It's being put on by Weber State. I got talked into playing in the pit for it. What a JOKE! There are 2 keyboard players, a percussionist and a flautist and I. I am trying to cover 4 parts with 2 instruments. The flute player is a high school senior and hasn't played since the 8th grade. It's not hard to tell. I feel bad that the actors have to put up with a situation like this, but then again...they weren't terribly organized putting together the music. They aren't paying us. It sucks. I have less than 8 dollars in my account right now. I need to pay my tithing (I have enough for that...but I haven't been to my ward since January...so, who knows when that will happen), I need to pay $20 so I can go on tour with the Choralaires, and I'm running short on groceries and gas. Oi. Anyways. Back to the musical. It seems to be a fun plot and all, but there is so much swearing in it. The f-word is used mulitple times. As much as I have heard that word, it still bites at me every time I hear it. *Sigh* Only 3 more nights and I will be free. YAY! Man, I have so much I could write about right now. But, I realy must get going on this paper. I'm so behind in my class...it's really bad. All I want to do is play my clarinet! Oi! I need help! :)