Ch-ch-chchange

So, it has been a long time since I've blogged, so, even though I really need to be asleep, I'm going to write a few things.
First of all, I quit my job as a housekeeper. My last day was Thursday. It's almost as if the past 4 months at the surgical center never happened. I honestly wonder what possessed me to take that job in the first place. It was nice to have insurance...I found out about a couple of health problems I have that are now being treated (although I'm not sure what to do when the prescriptions run out...I will no longer be insured when I run out). One was a simple vitamin deficiency, so that shouldn't be a problem (since vitamins are sold everywhere). But, the other health problem is a little more complicated. It's something I'd like to keep private, so I won't disclose much here. But, it explains a lot of problems I've been having, and after only being on medications for a month, I already feel better. I also found out that I do in fact need either physical therapy or surgery for my ankles. Since I can't afford either, I'll just deal with it like I've been dealing for the past 4 years. Ever heard of achilles tendonosis? Well, I hadn't until I googled my problem and got it confirmed by a podiatrist. Anyways. It's nice to know what's wrong with me, even if I can't fix it all.
So-with that, I am enjoying the Christmas break. After that, I'm going back to school. I'm so happy. I'm ready to be serious about school and practicing. I'm ready to concentrate on what's important and graduate for real. I've already started applying for graduate school. I'm looking mostly at the U or Boise State. I'd like to go out of state, but it would be a heck of a lot cheaper to stay in Utah. Not to mention, I have connections to the U. And, I could stay in Ogden and commute to Salt Lake. I love where I live right now. Marie gets on my nerves every once and awhile, but overall, she's like my sister. We could be roommates until one or both of us gets married. Seriously.
Speaking of which, I am the closest to having a boyfriend I have ever been. Without being too specific, I have found a friend that I can't seem to stop talking to. I don't know how interested he is in me (as in...more than just friends) and I'm not sure how interested I am in him...but it has been a rush so far...and totally unexpected. Like I said, I have no idea how much actual interest there is on either side (especially since it started when he asked me about one of my friends that he wanted to ask out). I'm trying not to let myself get carried away. I don't want to get attached until I know there's something worth attaching myself to. If you've read my past blogs about my last crush...or know about my other past crushes, I just don't want to put myself through that again. Actually, funny story. A week before this all happened, I had a date with Danny. No one really knows this. I haven't told anyone. It went really well in my opinion. I actually really enjoyed it. As we were driving around we got into a conversation that has needed to happen for about a year. I felt like I was able to be completely honest with him. And, in that honesty, I was 100% able to say that I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I'm not sure how he took that, but now I'm beginning to wonder if this is one of those situations where you finally convince yourself that you don't want something, and then all of a sudden, it happens...
Anyways...I had a good time with Danny, and now I'm having a great time with this new adventure. It could turn out that nothing happens after this week with anyone. I think I'm ok with that. I really actually feel pretty freaked out at the thought of committing myself to someone right now. I want to commit to school, practicing and applying to grad school. I want to get married someday...but not right now. And I believe that with all of my heart. I think I might be growing up finally...lol
Ok...I need to go to sleep. Christmas eve is technically tomorrow. I haven't felt much of the Christmas spirit at all this year. Even playing Christmas music at the piano evokes no feelings of happiness and joy and so on. I feel kind of sad about it to be honest. Growing up tends to take the joy out of things once thought of as miracles by a child.
Jesus Christ was born. That we all know. It's in the history books. There's no denying it happened. The way it happened is a classic tale of a wonderful miracle. I don't mean to demean anything here. I just feel that Christmas is no longer about what I used to think it was. I'm grateful for Christ's life. I try to be thankful every day. So, I guess celebrating his birth has lost some of its glamor. There's so much that I want to say right now but I'm not sure how to word it. This past year has taught me so much. I have found a joy I never thought possible. When I felt the weight lift off of my shoulders after experiencing the power of the Atonement, I couldn't deny the reality of it. I literally felt lighter. There's so much more to life than celebrating holidays. There's so much more! I am grateful (if even only a small fraction because I don't fully understand everything and I'm still learning) for our Savior Jesus Christ. I am grateful for his love and for his sacrifice. It just doesn't seem right to celebrate his birth the way we do. He came to this Earth not so we could give each other worldly gifts each year, but for our souls. He came to save us all.
Like I said, I'm not able to put into words how I feel. I just want to say that basically, there's so much more. I'm the least worthy person of saying something like this (since I am so weak), but I know what I have felt, and I know it was real. He IS REAL.
I guess the joy I used to find in Christmas is no longer there. There is something so much deeper and I guess I'm just starting on my path to discovering it.
Anyways. I hope I made an ounce of sense.
I really need to go to bed.
One last thought.
I was reading in the book of Mormon...with Moroni writing. There is just something in what I read and the way it was written...
It persuades me to believe in God. Not that I didn't already believe in God, but it added to my belief. The thought came to mind that anything that persuades man to believe in God must be good. How could it be bad? Therefore, the Book of Mormon is good. It is real and true. I'm about to finish reading through it again. I'm so excited! :)

Ok....I'm done now.
Good night!

Train, Prayers and Hope for Tomorrow

It's late...or rather...very early in the morning. I should be in bed...but I put on a movie that, even though I'm not paying very much attention to it, I'd like to finish. Anyways.
The Train concert was AMAZING!!!! The crowd was not very big until they played. The opening act was Uncle Kracker. I've never cared for them, so I wasn't too crazy about their part of the show. But, it wasn't terrible. We sat off to the side for that part. Then, after they finished we made our dash to the stage. We could've been closer if we had gotten up during the opening show, but we still got close enough. I could pretty much look into Pat Monahan's eyes as he walked across the stage. Ahhhhhh....it was sweet!!!!!! The highest point of the show was when he told us that he was going to sing the next song without a microphone, because that's the best way (he said something more poetic about it, but I don't remember). So, the band started to play, the audience went silent (minus a s few shouts of excitement) and Pat began singing When I Look to the Sky. I love that song. If I wasn't so caught up in the awesomeness of just being there, I think I could've been brought to tears by that. There was something so cool in the way he sang that first verse. He mentioned that he was having a vocal problem (it sounded like he was a little sick)...and ahh...just the heart and soul he put into singing that song. Despite having a vocal problem...he performed flawlessly. He is truly an amazing musician...as is his band. I was a fan of Train before, but now it's on a whole new level.
Today at work I put my mp3 player on and made a playlist of all the Train albums that are on my player. Every song I listened to brought me either almost to tears, or to a state of wanting to bawl. Their lyrics don't always make the most sense...but there is so much thought behind what they sing and well...it hit every raw nerve I had today. The song "Meet Virginia" was about me today (minus the part about drinking coffee at midnight and stealing and such).
"well she wants to live her life...then she thinks about her life...pulls her hair back as she screams...I don't really wanna live this life"....that is so me right now.

I am struggling so much right now with not wanting to live the life I'm living right now. I want to live- I want to experience things, see new places and so on, but then I think about my situation and realize that I don't want to live my actual life.
I want to finish school. I want my diploma that I am so close to getting. But, I don't know what I want to be in life.
I had an evaluation with my manager today at work. Everything was fine...in fact, I got a really high mark on something that I would hope I would get a high mark on, but then he had to ask me how things were going. He had to ask that one question that I have a hard time answering when it comes to that job. He said "Are you happy?" I wanted to say no. I wish I could've said that I was completely miserable...that I've given up who I was becoming and want I want to be to work for him. I ended up losing control of my emotions and had to use the tissues that he handed me. It was embarrassing. We ended up talking for a little bit and had a good conversation. My coworkers always give him a bad rap, but I've never been given a personal reason to dislike him. I'm glad that I was able to talk to my manager like that today. It was good to find out that he, too, did not particularly want the job he has and that there are plans to go back to school to do what he really wants to do.
(and in writing this I am seeing that small glimpse of hope that I have been praying for all day...)
Anyways...I drove to that evaluation, praying for some reason to stay at this job. I'm not sure that I found that reason, but through talking to my manager, I found a sense of peace that kept me from making any rash decisions. (Although, I know that the feeling of peace wasn't from the manager...)
Well, I am about ready to fall asleep. My movie is almost over. I need to go to bed.
It's the weekend and I'm excited for tomorrow. I'm going to go to the temple and then go to SLC to go to Temple Square and try to get in to see the Joesph Smith movie. I just have to find someone to go with me. If only I had a date....
Anyways....
That's all for now.
Goodnight!

Save Me, San Fransisco!

In less than 20 hours I will be at The Depot in Salt Lake City, waiting to hear my favorite band-Train. This concert is a HUGE deal for me. I NEVER go to concerts. Well...not normal concerts. I go to symphony, band and choir concerts, even piano recitals and so on, but not rock or popular music concerts. I once went to hear Styx and REO Speedwagon at the state fair...but somehow that doesn't seem to count, since a good deal of those groups don't have the original members anymore. (correct me if I'm wrong)
SO...
I'm so excited!
It's a miracle that I was able to get work off for it, and I'm not going to let anything keep me from going.
I was even contemplating riding the frontrunner there so I could say I rode the train to see Train...but I'm worried about making the last train back up to Ogden. That would save me close to $20 or $30 on gas and parking...oh well.

In other news...
I officially hate my job. I'm so tired of bending over to change a garbage bag or to clean up someone's poop on the toilet seat. Yes, I realize that I will be cleaning up that stuff for the rest of my life...but 15 bathrooms a night?! That's just too much.
I guess I need to realize that I haven't even blogged since I got this job. I work at the Makay-Dee Surgical Center. I am a housekeeper. Why I even applied for the job I'll never know. If I had thought clearly and listened to the warning of the Spirit, I would've never been put in the situation I'm in now.
I work 40 hours a week. 3:30pm-midnight, Monday-Friday. It is nice in some ways. I'm getting insurance (which I desperately need...it has alread come in handy-stupid flu), I have mornings to do whatever I want to do (so I can still do school-type things...even though I can't....which is a whole 'nother blog that I don't want to deal with...), and the people I work with are fun.
Cons-I can't do anything at night. I was just getting into country swing dancing, and all the institute activities are on weeknights as well. Not to mention I rarely see my roommates for more than 10-15 minutes a day, if even that much. I work alone for the most part, especially after 8pm. I get to clean half of the surgical floor (which is cool...sometimes I get to clean the actual ORs...) and 2 entire floors of offices by myself. Oh the joys of being alone in an old building. Apparently there is a ghost there named George. I don't believe in ghosts, but I've had a couple of experiences where either I have turned into a paranoid schizophrenic or there really are ghosts. On 2 ocaisions I have distinctly heard a man's voice. I've gotten over it for the most part. I bring my mp3 player and listen to music all night. I barely get bothered by the quiet now. Sometimes it's nice because I have time to ponder life and all it's trials and joys...but most of the time I really hate being alone for that long. If only I could have a friend there to talk to me.
Anyways...there was a purpose to this blog, but it's late, I'm distracted by thoughts of the concert tomorrow and I really need to go to sleep. I'll have to write more after the show.
Joy!

I want to dance!

Banana Splits

So, I want to announce to the entire world that today, I, Heather Marie Carlson, had my first ever official banana split.
Shocking? Yes.
As a child I never liked many fruits. Most fruits like oranges and strawberries have always been tart enough that I gag on them. Things like bananas have been difficult for me to like...I'm not sure why...probably the texture. Anyways. So, my point is this...
I remember a day when I liked canned peaches and banana yogurt....but apples are all I have ever been able to stomach for most of my life. I love fruit juice, but not the actual fruit. I blame the sugar on this. Well...I have been trying to get myself to like fruits and I think I hit a milestone tonight. I like mandarin oranges (still hard to swallow without gagging a little), red/purple grapes, melons, and now peaches and bananas.
I got to go to Logan tonight to visit a friend I haven't seen in years. We went to a delicious pizza place called Firehouse, then we went to see The Time Traveler's Wife, and finally we decided on Angie's. We thought about cleaning the sink there, but realized we needed reinforcements to do such a task, so we just got a regular banana split. I had an entire half of a banana. It was yummy. Maybe someday I'll be able to eat a whole banana raw. For now, I still need something to cover up the texture, but I ate it and enjoyed it.
Strawberries are in a similar situation. I had some chocolate covered ones at that dance I went to with Jake. I only ate them so I wouldn't look stupid in front of him. It was hard to swallow, but the chocolate helped. But, a few weeks ago while I was still working at Chick-fil-A I got a fruit cup. I ate everything in it. A year ago I would've never thought about even buying it. Now, I think I would not have a problem getting one. It had apples, mandarin oranges, strawberries and grapes. Yay...I'm slowly becoming a normal person!!!!


In other thoughts and ponderings...I still like someone that I've liked since last year...and it's killing me that he sort of talks to me and nothing else. Also, I don't know how to react. I'm still mad that he didn't respond to any of my messages during the summer. It really bothers me. But, apparently he's playing the ignorant one on that part. When I saw him in choralaires, he complimented me on my new hair cut (of course, I've had it like this for awhile now) and this week he said something about my piano playing. He hugs everyone he sees pretty much, but not me. He barely talks to me. I don't want to talk to him (because I go weak inside and can't help but feel giddy...even if he just smiles at me...grr...I wish he didn't have that power over me). I thought I had moved on. I thought I had it figured out. It's obvious he's not interested in me. Why can't I get over him? Ahhh!!!! Men...
(oh how I still like him!)

Anyways...I gotta go to bed. It's late. Oh....that banana split was amazing!!! But, I'm going to pay for it tomorrow I fear. Oh well. It was so worth it!

Hmf.....

I was going to write a larger blog...it's be awhile...but I have decided against it. I really don't have much to write about...but I thought I would at least put this out there.
The past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy in a way I never thought possible. Instead of no idea of what to do with my life, I now have 2, maybe 3, or even more possible paths. And with at least one possible path, I have once again been able to witness the sense of humor that our Heavenly Father has. It's almost ridiculous how funny he is. :) If you pray for something...you might just get it...and then you might realize that you need to be more specific....and that will be answered...and then...you find out that you still need to be specific...because he will take you literally. Anyways...I guess that's all for now. Life is great. Even as crazy as it is...and will probably get...it feels good to laugh about it all :)

Changes Will Come and Go

Wow...can I just say...I am loving life right now? It has been the hardest, but most wonderful year of my life so far. I had a friend pass away, I got to play a concert in Carnegie Hall (in which I was 1st chair clarinet), I failed yet again in some classes, I went on the most amazing date, I changed my major, my tendonitis got so bad I think it's carpal tunnel syndrome (I could barely move my hand!) I lost 30 pounds (give or take a few), oh man...I had a whole list lined up and forgot most of it. Oh well. It's only June and I just love it. My dreams are coming true finally.
Last week I moved into Harrison Heights right across the street from WSU campus. My roommate is like my long lost sister. She and her friend were doing P90X and now I'm doing it with them (something I've thought about doing for awhile now). Her friend is amazing. I'm trying to avoid developing a crush on him. I just won't go down that road again. He took us out to play disc golf last week and it was so much fun! Anyways...it's late and I really need to be in bed. I wish I could explain how happy I am right now. It really does take getting to your lowest point to really understand what true happiness is. And I'm sure I haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg yet. Which, in some respects is super exciting, but on the opposite spectrum, it's out right scary. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new ward. People talk to me in there! AND! I don't have to play the organ (at least...I don't think I do...eek!) Although, I actually did enjoy playing. This week includes a job interview, finding out if I got another job, starting out as a section leader in the Chorale (I've done band....but not choir...I'm kind of nervous), I'm doing summer folk dance...and...well...I can't explain it...I want to do more! Ah...I'm tired. I need sleep. Here's to a great summer. I need to figure out when I can go running still...hmmm....Anyways...until next time.

Boredom= actually writing a new blog...ha ha

Wow...it's been a while. I guess I got a little busy with going to New York, fighting off the thought of liking someone, and trying to graduate.
The trip to New York was amazing. I got to play a concert in Carnegie Hall with the WSU Wind Ensemble. I was proud of how well we did. It wasn't amazing beyond description, but it definitely put Weber on a different level (I think). The highlights of the trip for me (although the concert was great...getting to play some solos was definitely cool) include seeing Wicked, walking through Central Park, and meeting the man that's responsible for me still being in band. Wicked was indescribable. I want to go back and see it again. I loved it. I can't stop listening to the music. Even when it's not playing, I'll wake up with pieces from it stuck in my head. Some of the songs ring so true to how I've been feeling lately. It's AMAZING. :) Walking through Central Park was great. I wish I could've had all day to spend in there...later in the spring (or even summer) when things are greener. Honestly, when I was there, I didn't really enjoy the city for the majority of the time we were there. But, once Julie and I went out to explore the area on our own, I developed a small attachment to it. I want to go back and really experience it, not as a tourist, but as a resident or something like that (maybe a nanny job...hmm) Anyways...when our bigger group took a walk through the park, it saved me. New York City really is a BIG city. That park was such an escape from the noise and flow of the city.
And...finally, the best thing was meeting the composer Johann de Meij. He wrote a symphony based on the Lord of the Rings books long before there was a movie. When I was in high school, I got to play at the University of Utah honor band concert. The first movement of that symphony was a selection for our concert. After the concert I went out and purchased a copy of the symphony. I blame that piece for instilling in me the desire to play more music like that. I still love the entire symphony to this day. I would love to conduct it someday, but I don't think that will happen (now that I've changed my major...but we'll see...I can always get my mater's degree in conducting...hmm). Johann de Meij ended up coming to hear our concert (he had some connections with one of our soloists). I saw him standing outside Carnegie Hall after our concert. It took more guts than I can describe to muster enough courage to go meet him. But, it was so worth it. He was extremely nice. He didn't have the persona of being snobby or full of himself. It was truly an amazing night. :)
So, the trip was great. I have a new level of hatred towards flying...but know that I can handle it. The flight to NY was pretty much the worst flight I've ever been on. I took 2 benadryl to put me to sleep...it didn't work. I was dizzy, groggy and tired the entire flight...it was bumpy...VERY bumpy (I thought we were going to fall out of the sky...seriously)...and I was stuck between the 2 biggest guys in the band (and I'm no toothpick either). I remember grabbing the tray at one point and praying the hardest I think I've ever prayed in my life...it got that scary for me. I was sore for the next few hours from holding on to the tray so tightly. And, the few minutes of sleep I did get ended up being the start of my having no voice for the following 2 weeks. My throat got so dry whenever I started to sleep that sometimes I wonder if that wasn't what kept me awake. Yeah...I don't enjoy flying...anyways...

In other news, I sort of graduated too....hmm...
Everyone keeps asking me how I 'sort of' graduate. Easy...you pay the money, get your name in the program, walk, get the diploma cover, take pictures, get your grades, scream a little and retake a couple of classes during the summer because a C- just isn't enough. Yeah...it sucks. Oh well...

Cool story...last summer I was trying on pants...almost had to buy a size 18. Today I tried on a pair of shorts...size 12. They fit like a glove (not a tight one though). I've lost about 30 pounds since last year. It's amazing! I hope I can keep losing more. It's a crazy idea...but I'd love to be a size 8...hmm...just for once. :)

So...last but not least (although...it's getting there)...
I'm not sure how much to write right now. I doubt this person will see this, but you never know. I keep forgetting that people read this...and people I know and don't know see this without me knowing who sees it....wow...that was quite a weird way of wording it.
Anywho...I want to update any curious mind as to what happened (or didn't happen) with that wonderful guy in the pictures from my previous post.
As much as I liked him, and truly had the best date I've ever been on, I guess he wasn't interested in doing anything with me past that dance. I've made attempts at another date and failed. He's still a great person and I would never turn down an opportunity to spend time with him. But, as I see it, he's not interested (why else would someone as nice as him ignore my texts and email?) and I'm left feeling fairly confused about a few things, trying to get over it all. It's probably good that I don't know him as well as I've known my other crushes. It took them getting married for me to get over them. Ha ha...I'm pathetic sometimes :)
Anywho. It was a great experience. I can't imagine anything better. I couldn't ask for anything more. But, somehow I have this feeling that there has to be, or else I'm in serious trouble.

Anywho...I should stop. It's summer and I can't wait. My goals this summer are to:
-run a 5K (maybe even a 10K if I can train for it...I ran over 4 miles a couple weeks ago and probably could've kept going if I hand't been moving all day...and if it wasn't 10 at night)
-go to Lagoon and ride the Colossus...never ridden it...I'm scared of rides like that
-go hiking a few times
-maybe drive to the beach...if I can afford it
-maybe fly out to NY again...ha ha (not likely, but a trip to NY & DC would be sweet)
-go on dates (yes...dates)
-pass spanish and lit classes once and for all
-apply to massage therapy school, meteorology at the U, and/or graduate music programs...not sure about that one yet
-HAVE FUN!!! :)

GOOD NIGHT! :)

Flowers and Dancing

Oh my goodness!!!! I had the night of my life!!!!

I finally did it...I asked out someone...and I'm so glad I did!

Tonight was amazing. I went to pick up Jake and he presented me with those beautiful flowers. I have never been given flowers before. I almost cried when I saw them! Seriously!

Anyways. We went to Applebee's for dinner. Had a great time. Then we went to the dance at the institute. He's an AMAZING dancer. He was spinning me around and everything. I was literally swept off my feet. Jake is such an amazing person. I would love to go out with him again. Seriously. It's going to be hard to not let this get out of hand. I did not want to see him walk away from my car. Tonight went by way too fast. I like him. I liked him before...but now it's certain. I like him. :) Well...it's past 1am...I need to shower...and I have to get ready to leave for New York tomorrow. Ai....I can't wait to get back!

Snow Falling Gently to the Ground

It's snowing. And as I look out my bedroom window I feel a sense of overwhelming peace.
Life has been anything but peaceful lately. So it's nice to just sit here and look and watch. I forgot why I loved winter so much.
I'm a little worried...my computer is acting up right now.
Anyways.
After Tanner passed away a lot of changes have been going on in my life. I have pretty much failed at most of my goals...but I can still keep trying. But, I've been trying to get up in the mornings and read my scriptures (it hasn't happened in a couple of weeks though) instead of at night. Anyways...I have also made some other changes, but they're more personal.
So, the thing I think I learned the most from Tanner's funeral was that he lived his life to the fullest. He didn't have anything to regret...at least that I know of. So, lately as I have been making decisions, I have been able to reflect on that and make better decisions. Case in point. Next weekend is a dance at the institute. This is probably my last semester at the Ogden Institute, so I wanted to actually go to the dance as kind of a last fling kind of thing.
Somehow, I got up enough courage to ask someone to the dance (since it was girls' choice). I felt good about asking him and thought everything would be fine. Turns out he has a girlfriend...ha ha. So, I figured that adventure was done and over with. Then I went to ward prayer. My friends started bugging me about asking someone else. The person they were telling me I should ask is someone I see every day. I have actually wanted to have a chance with this young man since I saw his beautiful face. He really is (at least to me) the best looking young man I have ever met. He is such a nice guy and has been nice enough to make me smile on occaision. So, when they told me to ask him out, I finally caved. So, not only did I muster up enough guts to ask out one person, but I ended up asking out a second person. This is like a world record for me.
Anyways. He said yes and now I've been going absolutely nuts. I want nothing more than for things to go well at this dance between us. I don't know if he's looking or if he's even interested, but I'm at a point in my life where I would love nothing more than to settle down and so on. I know I need a lot of practice in the dating world....and I forgot where I was going with that thought. Anyways. I know I can't expect too much. But, I hope beyond anything that this goes well. As far as I know, he is an amazing person and I feel so honored that he would agree to going to a dance with me.
The day after the dance the Weber State Wind Ensemble flies to New York to play a concert at Carnegie Hall. We've known about this trip since this time last year. It's hard to believe that it's here. We leave in less than a week! I can't believe it. I'm not sure how I feel about it still to be honest. I've had mixed feelings since I heard about it. But, I think we'll be fine.
I'm mostly anxious for this dance. I'm so glad I have the dance to worry about to keep my mind off of how much I hate to fly.

:) I guess that's all for now.

A new tab on life

So, a couple of weeks ago, through a random course of events, I very graciously ended up with an old guitar. It is small, has some big cracks and the frets are not too great. But, it's a beautiful instrument.
I have never ever really learned how to play guitar. I have held one, but not more than 10 times in my entire life. I am a clarinet and piano player...not a guitarist. But, I have always wanted to learn the trade. Guitars are wonderful instruments, and they are portable, requiring no reeds or special hardware (most of the time at least). So, with this new guitar, I have become quite unsure as to how to react. It doesn't feel quite right, but I'm super excited. I got onto a website today and started teaching myself how to play a little bit. I can do a small chromatic scale and 4 chords already. It's wonderful. I don't know why, but something still isn't right about this situation, but I'm going to take advantage of it while I still can. It's almost as if I don't deserve this guitar.
I hope I can one day be worthy of owning a guitar.
I want to be able to sing songs with my children at a campfire with a guitar in hand (although, it would be more romantic if my husband would do the playing....if only :) )
Along with this, I feel a light shining in on my darkened life. Maybe this is the start of something great....every time I get depressed I should pick up a new instrument. I have always wanted to learn how to play all the instruments. Music makes me happy, but only being able to play a couple of instruments limits my abilities. So....hmm...maybe this is a good thing. :)

As an update to my previous blogs...
I am feeling a LOT better. I stopped taking the antibiotic (probably a bad idea, but the side effects just aren't worth it to me) and have started to take my vitamins again. I am planning on seeing a doctor as soon as possible to talk over what's been going on. But, since I don't have time in my schedule to see the doctor on campus, it's going to be an interesting experience. Having no medical insurance doesn't help either. But, that's why I'm trying to graduate this semester. I can't wait to get a job and be able to afford health care so I don't die before I'm 40. :)

Anyways...it's late and I should be sleeping. Goodnight!

To clear up something...

In my last blog I feel that I may have made it sound like I was blaming my problems on the death of my friend. I wasn't. I was just venting.
I have been sick and I don't know what's going on. After having lost Tanner to being sick...it has kind of been freaking me out. I was around him a lot. The last thing I would want to find out is that I had the same thing. So, I guess I'm just one of those people that get a little out of control (understatement of the century)
To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if I have pneumonia. Trust me, I have enough symptoms. I'm not just making it up. But, there are other problems that have been adding to the heap '0 trouble in my world. There is a history of diabetes in my family. I fear that I am starting to show signs of blood sugar management problems. I think I'm more on the hypoglycemic side than diabetic, but even still, it's scary. I almost passed out twice in 2 days. Every day I wake up feeling fine and then start feeling shakey and want to pass out. So, anyways...back to Tanner.
I loved Tanner as a friend, as a musician and as a brother (and I'm not just making that up-I felt like he was a brother to me at times).
We have an orchestra concert this weekend. I'm not looking forward to playing a certain piece. We are playing selections from Carmen by Bizet. There is one piece where there is an AWESOME bassoon solo. I only recall hearing Tanner play it once. But, that was enough. Half of the piece is him. Then the clarinet takes the solo with a contrapuntal bassoon line. It's SWEET. But, I won't get to play it with him again (at least in this lifetime). I hope I can keep my head up for this concert. I can still hear him playing that solo. And, every time I get to play my part, I want to do my best to play it like I was playing with him.
You never know how much a person has impacted your life until you look back on what you were like when you were around that person and compare it to what you were before and where you are now. It has almost been 3 weeks since he passed away. No one seems to notice that he's gone anymore...or at least acknowledge that there's something missing. I have to keep telling myself that he's just gone for a little while. If there's a symphony in the spirit world, I can't wait to play with him in it :) I miss him so much.

Coping...or rather...not coping at all

As I shared in a blog recently, my dear friend Tanner Holst passed away...a little over 2 weeks ago. I have never really experienced death in this way. My dog and cat passed away both within the past couple of years, I've had numerous fish and rodents die. My grandpa died when I was in second grade. BUT, none of that compares to what I have gone through these past 2 weeks. I think my record for longest time without crying since his passing is a little over 24 hours.
I have taken on a LOT of stress this semester. I am registered for 18 credit hours, but could be registered for 19. I have 2 small part time jobs. And now I'm trying to handle the emotional stress of losing my friend.
Yesterday it all came to a head when I collapsed while warming up with the Choralaires. No one really knows what happened (I seem to be invisible in that choir for the most part). Thankfully I realized what was happening before anything serious happened. I was fine, singing and happy for the most part, then my head got fuzzy and my strength gave out. Thankfully there was a chair right beneath me, so I was able to catch myself. I had a fight with my body the rest of the day. I contemplated going to the emergency room...calling my mom...or just going home. But, I had a responsibility to sing, so I told myself that it was either be carted out on a stretcher or make it through the day. I barely survived. Sis. Simon came to my side and tried to help...bless her soul, but I really felt uncomfortable with the situation. How could I explain to anyone that I was just a mess? I've been sick with sinus problems and now I wonder if I don't have pnuemonia or something...(maybe I don't have anything at all)...since I've been experiencing pains in my chest and coughing up gunk (I know...you really wanted to read that). I've been super stressed out with school. I have not been keeping up with my schoolwork like normal. I'm behind in pretty much every class...and I don't really have the option of retaking any of these classes next year (I'm applying to graduate). The past 2 weeks I have been involved in the orchestra for WSU's production of Peter Pan. Ah...I'm so scatter-brained right now. First I was stressed from school and work, then I got sick, and then I lost my friend. I was already feeling depressed when school started.
What's a person supposed to do?
My dear friend Kathryn was right by my side for the rest of the day yesterday. She was my guardian angel. Then, when I got home, I got a random text from my old roommate. I knew that I needed to ask for a priesthood blessing, but I didn't know who to turn to. And suddenly, when she asked if there was anything she could do for me, I knew who to turn to. She brought her husband and friend over and they fulfilled their priesthood responsibilities. After they left, I was feeling a lot better. I was ready to go to bed and wake up ready to go to classes. But, when I woke up I felt the same weakness that I felt yesterday. So, I slept. I slept and slept and slept. At around 1:30 I finally got up. I ate and got ready for work. I started to feel shakey again, but had to go...so I went to work. As I was standing in my room, I collapsed again. Thankfully the piano bench was there. I was in the process of texting my mom to come help me out when my first student walked in. Somehow, through no less than a miracle, I was able to teach my 2 students and make it home. Right now I actually feel pretty good. But, I am definitely ready to go to sleep. I slept 12 hours!!!!! It's been a LONG time since I've done that.
I know that Tanner would want me to be back on my feet or rather...on my butt in the practice room (well..maybe my feet), but somehow, my body has not been handling this very well.
How am I supposed to get back to normal life when I can't even stand up for more than 5 minutes without falling over? Ah!!!! I guess my point of this all isn't there. I wanted to be more elequent in what I said...but when you're tired, shakey and want to sleep...I guess getting it out in any form is better than holding it all in. I just wish I could find out if I'm really sick, or if it's just the emotional stress making my body act like it's sick. AH!!! I wish I had medical insurance...or actually...this makes me wish I was a little girl when my mom would take me to the doctor and make eveyrthing all better. I hate the adult life sometimes :)

WSU band student remembered - News

WSU band student remembered - News

Dr. Holst

I'm not much for writing stuff like this...but I want to share with those I know.

This evening about 5 minutes prior to the beginning of opening night for Peter Pan, 2 of my friends received texts that were shared with me. These texts were not good news. For in that simple communication, we found out that a dear friend, and musician had passed away tonight.

His name is Tanner Holst. I have only known him about a year and a half (I think). He was an early college student. He is 17 years old. Just a young one. :)
He was an AMAZING musician. He played bassoon like it was a part of himself. I have had many opportunities to play with him. First in orchestra, and then this past year in the wsu woodwind quintet. We also played a clarinet-bassoon duet last semester. Even though he was younger, he challenged me as a musician. He could get annoying at times (mostly because he was just better and knew more than me...but anyways), but overall, he is a very good person.

The story goes that last week he came down with a very high fever. I don't know that I saw him at all last week, so I don't know how ill he really was, but a friend of mine said he looked like he was dead (even then). Anyways. What I have heard is that he was diagnosed with pneumonia, but was doing ok until yesterday. Apparently he couldn't breathe, so they took him to the emergency room. He was then life-flighted to Primary Children's (again...so young!). In band we were told that some muscle damage had been done...but I'm not sure what really happened. All I know is that once I heard this news in band today, I had this gut feeling that he might die.

It really was such a freak thing. I think the only thing that is keeping me from breaking down is the knowledge that there HAS to be a bigger plan for him. He really had so much potential to be anything he wanted to be. His life was going far and he was doing well. He actually just passed the first round of auditions for the concerto night on bassoon(via recording, since he was sick during the auditions this past week). The Lord must need him on the other side. That's the only reason I can think of to explain why he got so sick and died. He was only 17! 17-year olds don't die from pneumonia.

Anyways. I'm so thankful to have known him in this life. I have nothing bad to say about him (excpet for maybe he was a little too into playing the bassoon...but it's great that he was passionate about something). He will be missed and it will be a happy day when I get to see him again.

I Cannot Tell a Lie...

I'm VERY depressed right now. Maybe it's the winter blues. Maybe it's the stress of 19 credit hours alongside 2 jobs. Maybe it's the pressure I feel from myself to get out of school asap. Maybe it's the fact that I don't feel wanted by most of who I thought were friends. Maybe it's that I have no goals in life. Maybe it's that I don't get along with my dad, my brother is going down the wrong path and my mom just isn't the same anymore. Maybe it's because even my best friend isn't the best friend in the world. Maybe it's because I only get asked out by guys that are more desperate than I am. Maybe....maybe I'll go jump off a cliff. Ha...I'm too scared to do that...don't worry.

Today was a very good talk given at the CES Fireside by President Monson. I went there hoping for something that might help me figure out something in my life. What I got was a punch in the face...and a trip to the spiritual emergency room. At one point in his talk, he said something to the effect that there are people who have goals. They struggle and work and eventually acheive those goals. Then, there are people who just coast through life. They really have no goals and eventually become lazy and drop out.
I could have left the building sobbing after that comment.
I know that I plan to graduate this semester...but it's not because I made it my goal to get this degree. I never honestly chose my major. I went to the school that gave me the best scholarship. I chose the major that I thought I could do (and was more or less interested in doing) and have been fighting that non-decisive decision ever since. I'm not graduating this semester because of hard work or from a desire to accomplish something. I'm in college because I had nothing else to do. I got offered the scholarship, took it and chose the best major I could from what was listed. I have never seriously wanted to be anything in my life (well...there's one thing...but you can't get that with a degree...). I am lazy. I never choose anything. I'm the most indecisive person I know...and I'm not trying to make that a joke. I am technically dropping out of college. I'll have a degree, but it's not the degree I had originally picked out.

So yeah...basically, I'm a failure.

So, that one thing that I really want... yeah

It's so frustrating. The ONE thing I want in life. The only desire I have. The only thing I feel is worth striving for is getting married and having a family. BUT...apparently life isn't going to happen the way I want it to. I want to have a relatively large family...(not too big...but bigger than what I grew up with). I have yet to even hold the hand of a man. No one seems to find me even worth looking at. Sometimes I can convince myself that I don't want to bother. But every time I almost convince myself that I'm ok with being single, I realize how much I don't want to be alone anymore. What's wrong with me?! Why don't guys find me attractive? I know I have an ugly smile (I really wish I could afford braces) and my face looks terrible (stupid acne) and I'm fat...but I'm a nice person...or so I thought. AND...people that are twice my size get married. People that have even nastier teeth have boyfriends. People that have nastier skin get asked out. What's wrong with me?!

I need to go take a shower and go to bed.