Everything and Nothing all at once!

So, I'm sitting in my apartment, all alone. Should I say that online? Eh, oh well. Today has been boring, yet fulfilling, and still yet even more ....how to say it...unfulfilling.
In the past week I have driven to Salt Lake, Logan and Tooele...all on one tank of gas. I love my car :) Yesterday was a long day. I can't believe I only fell asleep during one class (although I do believe I had 2 naps during that class). A friend of mine got married yesterday. Actually...2 friends of mine got married to each other. This marriage is something I haven't quite stopped wondering about. It makes so much sense, but then again, it makes no sense at all. I have known the girl since 7th grade. I remember her sitting next to me in 7th grade utah history on her first day of school. We never became super close, but we've always been able to talk when there was the opportunity. Then, (I don't remember when) another family moved in while I was in high school. One boy in the family was particularly good-looking. I believe I even had a crush on him at one point. Yes, yes! I did! I never got terribly close to him, and never had a chance with him, which was fine by me when I saw him hanging out with people that worried me. Anyways. high school was completed and she went to school at USU, he went to Snow and then a mission. After he got home from his mission, somehow they hooked up for real, got engaged and tied the knot yesterday. He is a year younger than she, but I'm guessing not by much of a year. It's so weird to think that they are together now. The town I grew up in is not the place to find love...well, not real love. Many people have gotten into accidental marriages (pregnancies), but VERY few have actually found that special someone. It's weird to have known both of them the way I did and to know that they are married now. But, they really looked so cute together. She had a beautiful, non-traditional wedding dress on at the reception. He looked as good as ever in his suit. The reception wasn't extremely extravagent, but it was definately one of the nicest ones I have ever been to. I saw old friends from high school, and past church leaders. It was a great night. But, the drive home was a nightmare. My eyelids were so heavy that I am still wondering how I didn't fall asleep at the wheel. The lights behind me and to the side made my eyes water. It was terrible. I got home, got ready for bed and somehow remember nothing until noon today. Sleep is wonderful :) I woke up with a terrible headache from all the sugar I ate yesterday. I sat down, read, took a shower and went to the relief society broadcast, came home and read some more. I actually am almost caught up on homework. Now I'm watching a movie and writing this boring blog. I really had nothing to talk about, but I wanted to write something. So, here's something about nothing really. Although, I suppose that the reception wasn't nothing. I hope that if I ever get married, that my reception will be as simple and elegant as hers. Although, I want to have my reception at my aunt and uncle's house. They have a very nice backyard (gazebo, pond and deck included). Then again, I want to get married in the winter (and outside reception is not the best idea in the winter). I want it to snow on our special day. I love winter....I can't wait for the snow to come again!
I want to leave the country and live somewhere else for awhile. Hmm.......

Not so briefly

I am in the process of trying to write 5 short essays. I'm terrible at writing when it matters (or when a grade depends on it). I have beautiful music playing in the background, my shoulders are extremely painful and tight from my dance class today. I am sick, but not in the normal way that most people get sick. I feel fine, other than the fact that I want to sleep all day, and my head feels like it could explode at any minute (but it's not a constant feeling...it's just weird!). I won't go into all of the weird and bad things that have happened over the past couple of days. But, I want to say that I had an amazing eperience last night.
I am in a woodwind quintet this year. I have never really played in a full quintet before. In my hopes of persuing grad school, this is just one thing that makes me feel closer to that idea. Last night the oboist and bassoonist of the quintet and I drove up to Logan for a concert put on by a group called "Imani Winds." They were phenomenal! I don't have time to delve into the performances, but I truly enjoyed the night. Oh, and apparently Craig Jessop was sitting right in front of us. I wanted so badly to just tap him on the shoulder, introduce myself and shake his hand. But, he was busy and that would have been a little embarassing anyways. But, he was right there :)
Today I got called into the office of the director of one of the choirs that I'm in. Now, it has been a dream of mine to accompany even just one song in this choir (I have had the opportunity to accompany other choirs, but this one in particular was on the top of the list). Today I got put on the path to acheiving that dream. I cannot express how happy this makes me! I was so sick/tired when he talked to me that I couldn't even clap my hands in rejoicement (is that a word?). But, as I walked down the hall I realized what a great thing this is for me. This is most definately my last year, if not semester in this choir. To be able to do something I have always wanted to do (well, since I knew about the choir's existence) is just an amazing feeling. YAY! :) I hope I don't screw up this wonderful opportunity!

Briefly

Me thinketh me stinketh
I'm well aware
and I don't care!

Just a short poem I came up with today as I was walking around campus after my dance class. :)

Oh What's in a Name?!

So, going back a few years ago...
After having taken off a semester of school, I returned to the spring semester of 2006 I believe. There were new faces in the band hall and I did my best to learn the names. I didn't do so well. But, there is one in particular that I ....have odd feelings for. This person and I met on random occaisions and each time he would ask for my name. I figured that after the 3rd or 4th time he had it. Time passed, summer came and school started anew that fall. We ran into each other in the hall and he once again had to ask my name. By this time I thought it was just kind of funny and I think I actually almost made a game out of it. Anyways....at one point I even had a crush on him (wow). Actually...it was a very small crush and it pretty much went until this semester.
Fast forward to today. I saw this person in the hallway and said hello. We had a conversation...an odd one at that and he ended up asking me what he should know about girls. (Weird, huh?) As he went to write it down (even weirder!) he asked for my name. After 2 and a half years....oh and a semi-group date kind of thing (I'm not sure what the whole thing was...but he invited me and another friend over to his place for ice cream, and he had another guy friend with him...so...it was a group date, but not really), he STILL doesn't remember my name! I left the hallway struggling to contain my laughter...but then I realized how annoying it was and I really almost wanted to hate him (and I don't hate anyone!). 2 1/2 years! I just don't get it. Someone please help me figure out why he couldn't remember my name...even though we saw each other almost every day last year and so on....AHHH!!!!

Of a Parkway, some Art and the Symphony

Yesterday I ended up going home to pick up a few things and to do my laundry. On my way home tonight I had a very nice drive. As I was heading north on I-215, I was faced with the decision of taking the same old, scary drive up I-15 or try the new Legacy Parkway. In a last minute decision I turned on my signal and went left towards the unknown. Since it was dark I don't know exactly what the view of the drive entails, but I know that it was one of the most relaxing drives I've had in a VERY long time. The 55mph speed limit was being enforced (I saw a couple of police vehicles scanning the area), so it was a rather slow drive, but I have no complaints. It was so nice to not have to deal with I-15 and all of its wonderful nightmares. I know that there was a lot of fuss and protest to the new parkway, but I have to admit...it was greatly needed. I enjoyed my drive for once! Yay! :)

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go visit the "Monet to Picaso" art exhibit at the U. It was an interesting experience for me. Art is not something I'm terribly interested in. I don't draw well and I just don't get modern art. But, there is an artist whose work I admire on display there. My mom and I waited in the long line, got our audio tour guides and proceeded to educate ourselves on the art of the impressionistic, post-impressionistic, realistic, surrealistic and cubist eras of art. I was dissappointed that there were so few dispalys of Monet. My mom has a distinct love of his paintings and I think it has rubbed off on me. The sculptures done by Rodin were quite fascinating. I don't enjoy the nude vision of things, but there was a lot of emotion in the sculptures. I actually really liked them. Then at the end of the exhibit (or close to the end) was the display of "La Vie" by Picaso. I had no idea how many different styles he had. Some of his paintings are rather wonderful. "La Vie" was really different. Again, even through the nudity, the emotion was there and I felt something for the characters in the scene. I will admit though, that I ended up walking past most of the abstract paintings. Like I said before...I just don't get it. It was a good experience, but I was not feeling well, so it was a happy sight for me to see the trays to put down our audio tour guides on.

The best thing that happened this week, though, was on Thursday night. The Utah Symphony came to Weber to play some works by Beethoven. I LOVE Beethoven's music, so I was very excited to go when I first read about it. The first half of the concert was the 4th Piano Concerto by Beethoven. They had special guest, Gharrick Ohlsson, play the concerto. I had never heard this piece before. When he sat down to play the music there was this sense of awe about him. As he brought up his hands to play the first notes, I felt as giddy as a girl in love. His hands literally floated across the keyboard as he performed insane scales and so on to create the beautiful masterpiece. I felt an emotion I have never felt before as I sat there watching and listening to this performace. I don't know how to describe it. It was almost a state of ecstasy...but I'm not sure if that's the right word. Anyways. After the intermission the Utah Chorus came out and they perfomed the famous 9th Symphony. This was the piece that I was truly excited to hear. I had never heard it in its entirety before and wanted to hear it live. I fear that all my musical emotion had been exhausted by the time the first notes of the symphony were played. I had a hard time paying attention and feeling the music. But, when it got to the famous last movement, the "Ode to Joy" segment, I realized what an amazing thing it was. It being the symphony. Beethoven composed such a brilliant piece and never heard a single note. Most already know, but just in case you don't know...he was deaf when he composed it. I would give anything (almost anything) to have been a fly on the wall while he composed any and all of his masterpieces. I don't even know how to explain my feelings of awe and amazement when I think of the beauty of his music. Music, that was composed by feeling vibrations in the floor rather than hearing it played. He wasn't deaf for his entire life, but enough said....he is a genius and I know that he was blessed with a gift that he was able to share with and bless the lives of others (like me) centuries later. Wow!

And one thing led to another...

After having written my last blog, I want to make it known that even if the person I am talking about reads this, he already knows the situation and I am mostly just trying to vent.
I had an insanely emotional day yesterday and had no one to talk to about it. I wanted to collapse, but had to keep going since I was at a party and had to keep my cool. At one point I led on to having a bit of a problem, but as soon as one person caught hold of 'boy trouble' a few other people turned around and I had to change the subject. I really don't know how much I want the public eye to see this, but I have to get it out before it consumes me.

In previous blogs I have mentioned a certain friend that I have had many troubles with in terms of the definition of our friendship. A few weeks ago we were chatting online. He has previously said these words, but this time it hit me like a ton a bricks. He wrote the words "I love you." I don't know what it was about it this time that just made me wake up or what, but it struck me as being different this time. Ever since then, whenever I sit at my appartment and want to talk to someone, somehow he is the one I have wanted to talk to. None of this really makes sense, since I really seriously have no desire to be more than friends with him. But, all of a sudden, as I was sleeping in late yesterday morning, I had a very vivid dream that involved this person. It was a very abstract dream. The main gist of the dream was that he was following me around. I was doing everything I could to avoid him because I just didn't want to deal with everything. (like I said, I don't want things to go to the next level) Finally he caught me. I was in a state of uneasiness and discomfort. Then he took my hand and kissed it. Later on in the dream (I don't remember it all) he gave me flowers. All the while, I realized that I didn't mind him so much. In fact, I held onto those flowers after he left and wanted to hold them as much as possible.
When I woke up from this dream, I felt such an overwhelming sense of...I don't know how to describe it. All I could do was think, I need to talk to him now. At times when we have talked I have begun to feel something for him, but I try to pass it off and let it go because I just don't want to go there with him. But, I couldn't stop thinking about him. So, I got online, hoping and praying (yes, praying) that he would get online. Within a few minutes he was online. I have never talked to someone like this before in my life. We talked for at least 3 hours. Yeah, it was one of those kinds of discussions. Nothing was really accomplished other than me telling him that even though I've tried to hide it, I really do feel something for him. It's not a good situation. He lives in Idaho, I live in Ogden. So, things are at a stand-still. I don't know what to do. I still have no desire to go forward in my relationship with him, but yet, I wonder what would happen. What am I to do? Do I drive up to Idaho and figure things out once and for all (if I had enough gas and time, I just might)? Or do I try to to keep my head on my shoulders here in Ogden and just deal with it? I guess this is where I need to pray and put it all in the Lord's hands. I haven't quite figured out how to do that very well, but I think that is my only option. I want so much to have a boyfriend, but I don't know about this situation. I want to cry, but it's so deep inside I fear it will never come out. Anyways, I need to go get ready for church.

I screwed up!

In my previous blog I mentioned a dear friend of mine. Apparently she read it. I am truly sorry for anything that may offend her or anyone else. I really need to learn to control what I say. I do not know who reads these and I should hold back regardless. To anyone who has read this and been hurt, offended or otherwise, please let me know. I am truly sorry for not controlling myself.
To the one who called me on this, I love you dearly and never give up. Just know that I've been in a similar situation, and it hurts when that person doesn't look at you the way you wish. If you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to rejoice with, I will be there for you!

Dizzy, Fizzy, Fuzzy

As I'm sitting here, I feel a certain sense of disallusionment. I feel like I'm here, but not really. All afternoon as I read a book for one of my classes I had this urge to run away and do something crazy. Now I'm sitting in my bedroom, avoiding more reading and realizing that I need to go to bed. I have a sort of dizzy/fizzy/fuzzy feeling in my head. Maybe I haven't eaten enough today (very likely), maybe I haven't gotten enough sleep (possibly), maybe my body is finally protesting the many changes I've had these past couple of weeks (most definately). I feel as if I could be out doing something insanely wonderful and random, but yet, I want to just sit here and feel detached from myself and the world. It's a wonderfully odd feeling. I should go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be long and tiresome, but fun. I told myself that I wanted to be more involved this year. So, I am on the Good Times committee at institute. That is probably the last committee I would normally join. It is totally out of my league, but oh well. I'm tired of being shy and uninvolved with everything. I have spent so much time at the institute (I already got my 30-credit hour certificate 2 years ago), but yet I still feel a little out of the action. Tomorrow I will be a part of it once again. :) Yay! I need to go to bed.
Goodnight!

Purple...

Is a color I don't like. And that's all on that subject :)

On other news, today was ok. It started off not so good and didn't really ever improve, but one precious moment happened that made it worth it. I work with children on a one-on-one basis. Today the parent of my last student of the day came in and told me that they would be changing times because of scheduling conflicts. She also wanted me to know that her child didn't want to leave because they liked working with me.
I have never had that much experience with children. To be honest, frankly, they scare me sometimes. I don't know how to treat them and I have never felt 100% comfortable around them. Makes one wonder why I'm going into education, doesn't it? Anyways, that small, short comment from the mother made me want to cry. This student actually liked me. I can't express how wonderful this makes me feel. It's nice to feel appreciated every once and awhile by the least expected source.

Maybe there's hope yet for me and being good with kids. :)

Ulceritis!

Ahh! My computer has decided to not work again...but I found a loophole. I just can't use my ethernet cord. Which means that I have to use the wireless internet. At the moment I cannot get onto the secured network, and am getting blocked on a few of my favorite websites! Frustrations frustrations! I just got a pain in my stomach and was reminded that I was sort of diagnosed with an ulcer last year...I really need to get that taken care of. :) It's like a hunger pain but with knives instead of gurgling. I guess I already reached my stress limit for the year....oh help. :) People annoy me (Like the people that just drove up honking theit horn so the entire village can hear...ahhh....did I really miss college life that much?!). Oh...and now there is a siren. I love city life (ha ha). I'm going to go live on a farm. That's it! I know my destiny. I'm going to go live on a farm in the country away from the things of man. I'll tend the gardens while my oh so masculine hubby works with the animals....and the children will run around in the wheat fields as if they had not one care in the world. (sigh...if only) :) Oh, and the tornadoes will come close enough for me to photograph, but not do any harm to the farm. Wildfires will destroy the desertous landscape but never touch our property. It will snow enough to keep the kids from going to school and we will sit by the fireplace, sip hot cocoa and play a game together. We will live far enough away from anything that we will need to make a special trip into town for anything other than our own home-grown food. These trips will be special occaisions. Eating out, movies and shopping will be rare, but wonderful events in our simple life.
Ok....enough daydreaming :)
That really would be a wonderful life, wouldn't it? :)
Ok, I'm done now. Yay! (the stabbing stopped as well! Yay!!!)