It's raining.

I'm happy now :)
Yay storms!
(now all we need is some thunder...and a lot would be nice...maybe even a power outage so the whole sky will reflect the awesome glow of the lightning)

....I know...I need help...but you must realize...I wanted to be a storm chaser at one point in my life. (still do actually). I LOVE bad weather! Yahoo!!!!!

(maybe I really should go to the U and at least minor in meteorology...hmm...I have some thinking and serious praying and fasting to do....) oi
:)

Nerves and things...

So, I was going to write this a little earlier, but I ended up coming across one of my favorite movies on tv and had to finish it. What movie is this? Star Wars. Yes, the almighty Star Wars. And, it was the best one. Return of the Jedi. Before I go on to my real intended topic of this blog, I want to just say, the newer Star Wars movies just don't compare with the older ones. The acting, special effects and sincerity are not even comparable. I love Star Wars. At first I said that I loved it because I knew that the guy I had a huge crush on loved them as well and I wanted to have something in common with him (that got me nowhere though). Anyways. As I became more familiar with the movies, I came to love them. The battle between good and evil is irresistable. I was so excited when the new movies came out. But, the more I watch them, the more disappointed I am. The 3rd one was close, but it still is a far cry from the greatness of the original 3. Ok. Soap box over :)

Today was pretty nerve-racking. I had to subsitute-teach the 7-year old primary class. Now, I must explain the situation. There was a baby blessing in my ward today and there were many cousins visiting. My class was literally doubled and then some with these cousins. I had to teach these little ones (it started off as 8, but the class size grew to 9 before the hour was over) a lesson about prayer. It was all I could do to get them all quiet for more than one second at a time. And, there was this child that actually scared me. He had this evil look in his face. He was hitting the other children (even the visitors!). At one point he suddenly started crying. One might even compare his countenance to the boy in Toy Story (Sid??? the one that played surgeon with the toys). As he was crying he said that his stomach was hurting. I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom. He said that he couldn't without his mother there. So, I asked him if he needed to get his mother. He said no. He just sat there, tipped his head back and cried. His cry freaked me out! I mean...this child was evil! Maybe not literally....but almost! I don't know if any of the children in there knew that we were talking about prayer, but I tried. I really did. Thank heavens class time is only an hour.

Then, I had to give a talk in Sacrament meeting. Let me tell you. It has been over 4 years since I have spoken in Sacrament meeting. I was more nervous to give this talk than I was to do my senior recital, all of my band concerts and choir concerts this past year combined! It was insane! Thankfully, somehow, Heavenly Father was watching out for me and somehow I was able to talk. The kid that spoke before me didn't go his full time and my friend that was supposed to speak afterwards had told me that she didn't have that much prepared. I started off my talk thinking that I had plenty to say. Well, I saw that I still had at least 5 more minutes left and I was already on my last page of the talk that I had written out. Somehow, miraculously, words came to my mind and I was able to leave my friend with about 10 or less minutes to speak. I think I spoke for over 15 minutes. Let me tell you...this must be a world record! I really find it interesting. Not that it's a surprise, but it is just so amazing. The talk that I came up with was totally for me. It was like the past year of my life was meant to give me something to say for this talk. Or, this talk was like a capstone on the past.

It's so weird. It feels like everything has come to an end. All of the stupid, small (and large) trials have either ceased for the time-being, or I have finally learned to deal with them. I'm not sure. But, I really feel like there is nothing behind me now. I need to remember everything so I don't forget what I've learned, but I feel no attachment to anything in the past.

My brother is changing schools. I don't know why, but this is bothering me. I love him to death and I want him to be happy. I have had my jealousies, but overall, I want him to be happy. He is in Kansas right now. He was majoring in animal biology, but aparently he has changed his mind and is changing schools along with his major. He and his girlfriend are moving to Topeka for next year. I don't know what to say. At first I really liked his girlfriend, but I wonder how much control she has on him right now. He's a smart kid (smarter than me) and I don't want him to shortchange himself. Just so you know, I don't know his girlfriend too well, but what I do know of her is not bad. She is a great person. But, I have only spent a few days with her. I don't know the whole person yet. I'm mostly saying this to say that I am worried about my little brother. Although, I have to admit...I am rather jealous of him right now. He's in Kansas in the middle of tornado alley. Hehe....I'm weird. I want to see a tornado before I die, and he'll probably see one before I do. grr. :) Anyways.

Another thing that is causing me a little strife is school. I didn't do well in one class last semester and now my grades are screwed up...(not that they weren't great to begin with...but I had a 3.7 at one point...now it's a 3.1...and barely that). I screwed up big time last semester. I hope that I can still go back to school next semester. But, I honestly don't want to go back to Weber. I love my friend there, but I really hate the program up there. I know it's not right, but I really want to transfer to the U. I would have been able to get my degree in 4 years AND minor in meteorology. Oh how I wish that I could've gone there. Although, I really don't like the U. I just don't feel great when I'm there. But, there's something pulling my interests over there. I'm not sure what. I would lose everything I have up in Ogden. My friends, my reputation (not that it's something I want to keep), and my standing as principal clarinetist. I have to admit...that is the hardest thing for me to think about giving up. It's finally my time to shine, and I don't want it. What's wrong with me?! I could go to the U and study with a far superior teacher (Kathy Pope) and a better-recognized institution. Maybe I'm just scared. I've filled out the application twice to transfer, but haven't sent in everything (the transcripts and the fees...it's a lot of money if you're not serious!). Where would I go? Where would I live? Who would I meet? It would be like starting school all over again. Which, actually, might not be a bad thing for me right now since I feel so free from everything in the past. As I look at myself in the mirror I see someone that is growing up physically. But, my mentality, attitude and goals are not reaching the same levels. Ahh....I think I just need to go talk to some people at the U and see if I'm really interested in it. I am supposed to schedule a lesson with Kathy anyways. I have talked to her already about being interested in grad school...but I don't think she knows I might be interested in transferring. What a thought. Maybe I need to take that leap of faith and do something about my life that isn't quite what I want it to be.

Ok...enough of that.

We finally decided on names for the kitties. The girl is Mika (mee-ka) and the boy is Tux. We have had them in our home for a week now. I love them dearly. Tux is a sweetie and has won my heart (sorry guys... :)). Mika is a little stinker, but she has her sweet side as well. She like to beat up Tux. It's kind of funny. But, today she showed her kind side by curling up on me all day today. It's nice to have them in our home. I don't think I could survive without them. Mystie was my cat, but these 2 are more of the family cats. It's weird. I have no hope of taking either of them with me if I ever find an apartment that will let me have a cat. I could not separate them. Man I love them! :)

Tomorrow I have to drive up to Ogden to practice with my friend for her recital. This recital was supposed to happen over a year ago and I'm sick of it. I'm about ready to pay someone else to play for me. It's ridiculous-the thought of driving up to Ogden (a 2-hour drive) for a 1-hour rehearsal and then driving back (another 2 hours). I don't have that kind of money to pay for gas and I don't want to drive that much. She is my friend, but I really don't enjoy accompanying her. I really don't. She is not consistent and she doesn't count. Grr. My music is just beyond my playing abilities, so that adds to the frustrations. (yay for f# major scales in contrary motion!) Anyways. It will be over in less than a month. Happy day! So...if anyone sees this before oh...say...12 tomorrow...and you want to hang out, give me a call. I'll gladly leave earlier to join someone at the movie theater or something. My number is...435-830-8596. Although...I might have to remove this after tomorrow. Only my realy friends can call. Anyways. Too bad I don't know any hot guys that would like to go on a date. :) Well...I probably should be going to bed. Although, I'm wide awake again. It's almost 1am. I need to go. I'm becomming my usual summer insomniac self again. Grr. I didn't want to do that again. I have to work! I'm thinking about getting a second job actually. Anyways. Goodnight and may the force be with you! :)

Sebastian and Clara...or is it Tux and Princess...or ....?

So...we finally have animals in the house again. My mom and I drove to Ogden today and picked up 2 very adorable kittens. They came named as Jungle and Tux, but we still don't know what to do about their names. My mom likes Tux, but what kind of name is that?! I'm not going to let a cat be named after a piece of clothing! And Jungle is totally out of the question. So, we were trying to think of some clever names. My mom started saying some names of composers and we got to Sebastian and Clara. It's a round about way, but we like it so far. Sebastian (as in Johann Sebastian Bach) and Clara (as in Clara Schumann). We're not set 100% on these names yet, but I like them. They are about 8 weeks old and are so cute! The litter they came from had some kittens that looked almost identical to my cat Mystie that just died. We almost decided on one of those, but it would be just a little too weird. And...it's funny. We were only going to get one, but my mom and I thought it was better to get 2. They are from the same litter and have been fixed, so there are no problems there. We brought them into the living room and they had a blast crawling everywhere that they shouldn't. :) Their little squeaky meows and coos are just wonderful. I'm kind of scared to have 2 new kittens around, but it's nice to have someone else in the house again. I guess I'll have to keep an update on them as time goes by. It seems so weird to add to our family this late in the game. Oh well. I feel like crap and I need to go to bed. Goodnight.

PS-just an afterthought on that last blog, I think I should've mentioned a few things that were important to me, but I think I don't have the energy to do it now unfortunately. But, my family, my friends and my music are so important to me. I would not feel any bit important without those things in my life. There would be no reason to be important. Annie, if you see this, you are one of my most important friends :) You, like other friends that are important to me, are a great example and you never stop loving. Thank you! (I wish I could say more, but I'm about to pass out :))

why must I make a title every time?

It is after midnight and I am still wide awake. I suppose that I am beginning to feel a little tired, but for the most part, I'm quite awake. I was just reading a blog of a friend of mine and it got me thinking. About what, I'm not sure to be honest. But, the gears are turning. (and suddenly...they stopped as soon as I said that)
Sometimes I wish I were the type that could write something so deep and profound that all who read it would be left in a state of awe. Other times I wish that I had a love life that I could talk about (oh wait...I already did that...it filled up only one blog). And then sometimes I wish I could write poetry or such other artsy things. But, as I sit on my chair, feeling my tummy rumble, I realize that I am just plain. I may have been given some amazing gifts in my life, but overall, I am plain. You know, plain isn't so bad. It would be nice to be important, but...as I recall, my favorite mormonad when I was in Young Womens was the one that said "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice." There was another girl in my ward...named Heather (interestingly enough). I looked up to her. She was one who exemplified this statement. She was the nicest person I knew of. I didn't really know her personally, but I knew that she was nice. So, that is one thing that I have always tried to be. I, like any other person, have my successes and failures. But, sometimes I forget that I need to just be nice. Sometimes I wish I were important. And, when I say important, I mean important like...famous, rich, popular, in charge of everything, etc. I've noticed that in my moments of being 'important' I am usually unhappy. I finally made it to the top of the clarinet section at school this past year. For the past 4 years I have coveted that first chair spot. I have dreamed of playing the solos, tuning the band and leading sectionals. When I finally got the chance to do so, I almost hated it. Of course-I ended up being the top clarinet player in not just one group, but three. That caused enough stress in and of itself. I love to play solos and I love to be heard. I love to feel 'important.' But, I've noticed that no one cares when you're that important. Sometimes, it's fun to sit last chair and play nothing but off-beats. I've had some of my fondest memories in band doing just that. But, sometimes we need to be in those important positions to prove to ourselves that we can do it. I never pictured myself becomming the principal clarinetist of both bands and the orchestra. I would have laughed (actually...I think I did once) at the thought of being in those positions back in high school. As I say this, a thought pops into my mind. In that mormonad that I mentioned previously is a picture of Christ holding a child...or something like that. No matter how unimportant we may feel in this life, or if we become the most important person in this world, we still have the love of our Heavenly Father. His love makes us important. He gave His son for us...shouldn't that make us feel just a tiny bit important (if not more)? Suddenly that mormonad makes so much more sense to me. wow. It really is more important to be nice. In being nice we become more like Christ. That's all that matters.
Sometimes I worry that I may publish content in this blog that may be too personal, but right now, that doesn't matter. I grew up being very shy. Just last night I was remembering an experience at the swimming pool. The lifeguard was teasing me. He may have been flirting with me, but I was so shy and close-minded that the only thing I thought he was doing was teasing me. I shut myself off completely from people back then. I still do. So, if any of this feels uncomfortable for you to read, just don't read it. I guess this is a way for me to open up. I do so much better when I type. I can erase things and make corrections. When I talk, I make a fool of myself. I've realized that I only talk to people I'm 100% comfortable to be around. If I'm not comfortable, it's like my jaw is wired shut and my mind turns off.
Anyways...now I've made myself uncomfortable. :)
I've made a goal this summer to learn a Beethoven Sonata. I've learned the first movement of one before (somewhat at least), but I really want to learn this one. I'm going to practice it and work on memorizing it. The last piece I memorized was a piece for solo and ensemble. I forgot the last page and ran out of the room crying. I have little doubt that I would've gone to state had I remembered the last page. The judge gave me a 1-. My memory has been a constant struggle as of late and I want to memorize something. I have no idea if it will be possible in only 3 months during the summer, but I'm going to try. wow...my stomach really hurts. maybe I should go to bed. I can't even hit the keys right anymore on this keybopard. I'm not even going to change my typos now. I relly hate this keyboard (sorry...hd to correct that one...it was hard to tell what word it was). THe jkeys are hard to push and they are higher. I miss my laptop. :( Thnkfully I have a job now and maybe I can save up for a new one. *crosses fingers* hopefully :)
Ok...I really should go to bed. I need to be awake enough to read my scriptures. Yes...I am reading my scriptures again! Not that anyone knew I wasn't reading them...but it's been awhile since I've actually read them every night like this. Wow...I have too many thoughts flowing through my mind right now. I could be up all night writing. I must get some sleep so I can go to town tomorrow to maybe find another cat to bring home. I really hope I can. I think I will go mad without a furry little friend to keep me company this summer. My mom works all day and my dad is usually not coherent enough to carry on a good conversation...at least...one that doesn't irritate me. And with that, I will make an end. I had an entire paragraph written, but decided against keeping it. I hate it when I get a certain feeling in my gut that something won't go the way I wish it would. :( ah...frustration...how well I know thee.
Anyways.
This started out as such a good blog. What happened? Argh
Oh well. I really should go to bed.
I'm off to read more about Ammon and the Anti-Nephi-Lehis!
Wahoo!!!

Of Socks, High School Musicals, and Death

Of socks:
Recently I was able to get a new package of socks. When I got home I realized that half were white and the other half were black. I don't normally wear black socks (unless I'm on stage). This is presenting quite a challenge. Thankfully, I have a job right now that encourages black socks (I think). Yay Subway...I think. Anyways, I have greatly enjoyed these new socks. :) They are so unbelieveabley soft and comfortable. AND...they make for great fun trying to run around the house. Wood floors and soft new socks=slipping and sliding all around. It's awesome! :) I wish our house was bigger and...that I could move all of my junk out of the way...I need more sliding room.
Of High School Musicals:
I happened upon the second rendition of the said musical tonight on the Disney channel. I have seen most of the first one, but never really cared to see any more of any of them. The plots are somewhat good, in that they are good for young ones who need better viewing options these days. But, coming from a musical point of view, they are TERRIBLE movies. They have potential, but they lack real musicianship. The voices are altered to a point that I can barely understand what is being sung. Maybe I'm just being a grumpy 'old sour-puss, but seriously, they could've made the musical score so much better if they had just let the kids sing and not alter anything. Ah! Anyways. Oh well. It's said and done with.
On to other things...
So, about death. Death is an interesting thing as of late. Everything around me seems to be dying. Sometimes I feel that I am cursed. Let's see, things that have died on me in the past year or so:
-My first car-the Ford Taurus
-My second car-the Pontiac Grand Am (man I miss that car! my lead foot found a true friend in that vehicle) :)
-My Dell Inspiron laptop
-My clarinet mouthpiece (it broke, but it may as well have died...it changed my entire sound!)
-My dog-Sunshine
-My cat-Mystie
-My parents' dryer (although it is not mine, it died just when I needed it most-I moved home from college and went on a choir tour...there's a ton of laundry still sitting around that needs to be washed...thankfully we got the new dryer today, but my mom has been using it)
-And...last bu not least, our new kitty.
After Mystie died, we happened upon a very cute kitten. The adoption fee was paid and we awaited anxiously for her to gain enough weight to be spayed so we could take her home. Then, a week ago we found out that she was sick. Yesterday I called to find out how she was doing and the lady on the phone said that they lost her. Go figure. I'm almost becomming synnical at the thought of something else dying. I'm getting tired of it. That kitten was a symbol of hope for me and now she's gone. I really wish that we could've had her in our family. I felt so much emotion when I held her that first time. I'm not angry that she died. I'm really not. I have no room for anger right now...a least, not anger for that. It just seems like the curse is still going. (whoa...the dryer just turned on...and off...no one is in the room...crap...it's haunted!) I just don't know what to think anymore. My faith has been tried enough to the point that I feel numb when a new trial enters my life. It's weird. I should be sad that the kitten will no longer be coming to our home, but I don't feel anything. Anyways. Now that I've made myself a little depressed...
My stomach hurts...(ok...the dryer just turned on again....what is going on?!?!...) I just started a new medication for my stomach problems. My doctor gave me a prescription for it, but I lost it. So, thankfully they sell it in over-the-counter form. Unfortunately, it's not working as well as the last prescription I was on...but there's no way I can afford $175 a month for it. Grr....stupid lack-of-insurance situation. Anyways...that was a random tangent I suppose. I think I need to go to bed. BUT, I'm wide awake. It's the weekend and I want to play! I was going to go to Ogden tonight, but I ended up working until 3:30 and by the time I would've been ready to go, it would've been about 6-ish before I could've made it up there...that's not enough time to play. :) ...
Ok...so I just figured out, the dryer has this wrinkle shield thing...I guess that's what's making it turn on and off so much. I seriously thought our new dryer was haunted...lol
Ok...I need to stop.
The End.
(or is it?)
:)

Yellow Splatter

So, today my mom got off of work early. We (my mom, dad and I) took off to Tooele to do some shopping. When I came home from tour I was presented with the terrible news that our dryer of 10 or so years had finally dried its last load. (having just returned from a week-long trip and having much laundry to do, this was a little furstrating) Anyways, we got in the car and began driving. Now, for those of you who don't know, I live in Dugway. Dugway is a small military base that is literally in the middle of nowhere. Those that went on tour might have gotten a taste of what my life was like when we stayed in those tiny towns. In order to do any major shopping one must either purchase the item online or drive almost an hour to Tooele (or even more to get to Salt Lake, Provo or Ogden). So, this was a fun little excursion. As we were driving a rather large insect decided to end its life on our windshield. *shudder* It made a loud thunky/poppy sound and left a large yellow smudge on the window, right in my view of the road. I have never seen a bug splat like this before. It was amazing! Anyways. After we purchased a new dryer, and some other odds and ends at Walmart, I convinced my mother that we needed to go through the car wash. Now, car wahes are rather expensive these days, but, if you look at them with the excitement of an amusement park ride, they are rather cheap. And, just so you know, the entire windshield...or rather, the entire front of the car was covered with splatted bugs. I guess I forgot to describe the large splat that led to this whole story. The mess that was left behind had the appearance of yellow arcylic paint. It had a lumpy texture and was very bright. It took up at least 2 inches of length and at least 1 inch of width. I should have taken a picture. Anyways. So, we went to the car wash (I almost typed warsh...that's funny!) We only had a $20 in terms of cash, so we selected the wash and let the machine take the money. Had we known how the change would be returned, we may not have gone with this choice. All of a sudden we heard tons of clinking coins. It still makes me laugh. :) Yup, we got $12 dollars' worth of quarters. I guess I'm ready for the fall semester of laundry. joy! :) Anyways. The bug splatter was nicely washed away before the beautiful tri-colored foam covered our car. It was a joyous occaison. :) (and there was much rejoicing)

The White Rose

This is a poem I started writing after my cat died. A dear friend had given me a white rose as a gift of comfort and I felt somewhat inspired. It is not quite finished, but I really want to share it. So, here goes:

Given by a friend,
it came at the end.
Petals are soft and white,
standing in all their might.

Kind, gentle, and pure;
look and find the cure.
Behold its sharpened thorns,
pain and grief now are borne.

Meek, humble, and small;
glory shown to all.
One simple, faithful touch
heals and removes the crutch.

Though weaknesses are bare,
the Rose is still there.
Light, love, comfort and hope;
with it one can cope.

180

A little over a week ago my life totally turned around. I played in the orchestra for the commencement exercises at 8am. Then I went to my aparment, packed up and moved home. Saturday I slept in and brought my junk in the house and stuff. I did some laundry, and packed up again. Sunday I went to church, went home, finished packing and left for Provo. Our institute choir sang in the CES fireside. That was an amazing experience. Elder Russell M. Nelson spoke. I really had a hard time paying attention to his talk, but before the fireside even started, he came and talked to the choir. It was really cool-he shook our hands (from a distance of course) through the air. After that I got back in my car and drove to Centerville to stay with my friend Rachel. The next morning my life started on a path that it has never even attempted to go down before. I was blessed with the opportunity ton go on tour with the Choralaires and Folk Dance team from the institute. I wonder if I should even go back a little to explain the miracle that is my existence in that choir. (I think I will) A month before school started last year, I was able to get a car. This was my second car. Things had been tough that summer and I was glad to have something go right for once. Well, I was wrong. This car died about 3 times before finally giving up the ghost (bad analogy, I know) Anyways. My life was quickly going down hill. I didn't even have a place to live until a week before school started. Anyways...this is all jumbled. I wish I could paint a picture of the chaos that was going on. I was miserable. I had made up my schedule the previous spring semester. I knew that Choralaires was at a certain time and I knew that I had always wanted to audition for it, so I made the time slot available. Then, I failed a class during the summer, so I wanted to take it. The only time I could take it again was during Choralaires. I registered and thought that that was that. Well, I went to the first class and liked it. But, as I went to the bookstore, I was literally constrained on purchasing the needed books. I thought that that was odd, but I decided that I would just get them later. I wandered over to the institute and looked at the posters/commitee sign ups they have set up in the gym every year. I saw the audition list and almost put my name down. Then I thought...I need to take this other class. Then, as I was walking out, I heard a song playing on the cd player from the previous spring show. It was a song called "Rock of Ages." That song had brought a lot of comfort to me last year. So, when I heard it playing on that cd player, I felt strongly that I needed to put my name down to audition. The spirit was so strong. As the week went on, I wondered if what I had done was the right thing. I very seriously considered taking my name off the list and not even auditioning. But, I never had the chance to do it. So, the day of the audition I decided that I should be prepared. I looked through a hymn that I could sing without the music in front of me and made sure I knew the words. I went and auditioned, and went on with my day. It was not a very good audition. I have only sung a solo in front of my vocal workshop class before. Trust me, I love to sing, but I am first a clarinetist, then a pianst, and then a choral singer. I have had no formal training. I was able to sing in a large choir at BYU when I was there for band camp, but other than that, I knew very little. Needless to say, my audition was pretty shameful. But, oh well. I figured that I wouldn't even make it, so I went on. The day they posted the results, I felt a great sense of anxiety. I got off the bus and ran into a good friend of mine-Janel. She had just looked at the results. She had a big smile on her face and I just had to ask. Before she even said the words, I knew it. I had made the choir. I went to the list, saw my name and before I knew it, I was signing my initials to acknowledge that I was now a member of the choir. I knew that this meant that I would have to drop the class I was taking, but I was ok with it for some strange reason. (I need to listen to the spirit better....seriously!)
Anyways.
Choralaires was a great experience, but my life was still falling apart. Everything that could go wrong pretty much did. I know, it could've been worse, but thank heavens, it didn't. I struggled through the Christmas show. I had a basic testimony, and I was able to express it in the devotional before one of the shows, but it was almost immediately after that that things got even worse. My compuer died, my cat died, I had to do my senior recital, and it was just one thing after another that wasn't going well. I seriously considered leaving the church. My faith was weaker than a non-believer. I never denied the existence of God or His son, Jesus Christ, but I was only hanging on by a very weak thread. Choralaires was the only thing that kept me going. I guess I continued just to save face. I even thought about dropping out halfway through the semster. It was that bad. Then, a couple of weeks before the spring show, Bro. Simon called me to tell me that someone had dropped out of the tour group and was wondering if I was interested in going. I had a royal battle on this. I didn't feel good about going, but I didn't feel anything when I thought about saying no. I figured, the bad feelings were probably from Satan and the stupor of thought was my answer to saying no. (if that makes any sense) So, I told Bro. Simon yes. I won't go into details of what happened, but by the time it got to the spring show, I was fighting a fierce battle. That week I had a dress rehearsal or concert every night. I've done it before, but it is beyond exhausting. I had a band concert, orchestra concert and the spring show (and all of the 3-hour dress rehearsals to go along with them), and I had to work. Somehow I had to get 2 large papers done (yeah...I failed that class...which, ironically was the same class that I had tried to take during choralaires time...interesting...). Anyways. After the Sunday concert (concerto night...which had its own battles in and of itself...) I broke down. I asked for a priesthood blessing and things somehow felt better. It was a beautiful blessing. I don't doubt the power of the priesthood, it's real! Anyways. So, after that we had one more week and then finals. The spring show brought about a great change in my life. I was feeling the spirit strongly again and I felt happy for the first time in years. But, then came the tour. I was excited, but someone was more excited to make me miserable. My mind was so blank that entire week. I kept forgetting things and I felt so out of place sometimes when it came to the social aspect of things. There were other things that are too personal to write about. Anyways. I knew that we were planning on going to the temple on Friday. Thursday night was especially trying. We went to a house that had a trampoline. Back in y younger years I was in tumbling. I had just gotten to the point of learning back-flips, when I did one off a diving board and hit my head. So, as I was on this trampoline, I wanted to try to flip again. I knew what to do, but I had so much fear in me that I could not do it. It was a terrible feeling. Then my dear friend Elisabeth talked to me. It was like she pushed the button that let everything come gushing out. I had just barely had a priesthood blessing before the show, but I felt like I needed another one. Elisabeth helped me and asked 2 very wonderful young men to give me a blessing. It was also very beautiful. It had some things mentioned that tied into the previous blessing. Coincidence? I think not! Afterwards Elisabeth and I talked. When we went to the temple the next day, the peace and comfort that I had felt before returned to me. It was amazing. It felt so good just to be sitting in the waiting room. I opened up the Book of Mormon and read some scriptures. They were amazing and 'just happened' to be of great comfort to me as well. Anyways. On our last day of tour we went to Cove Fort. I was feeling onery and anxious to go home. I didn't want to be there (since I had already seen the place before), so I was in the attitude that it was dumb. But, as we began singing, I had an amazing experience. I will not share it, but know that it has changed a few things for me.
I am scared to go on with my life right now. I know my weaknesses and I know my habbits. I have a ton of changes to make that I do not want to do. I am by nature a lazy person with no real drive in life. I don't know what to do, but I suppose that it is a necessary thing. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel this way. The thought of going on a mission is still in my mind. There's no way I can go right now (what with the ulcer in my tummy, the cyst on my ankle and other such health issues), but I think I may yet need to go. I guess we'll see. All I know is that I am going to need a lot of help. I know one major source of help (on my knees), but I am going to need a miracle elsewhere. Anyways, my heart is full and I am truly grateful for this past week. Not only was I spiritually uplifted, but I was also socially changed (I think- I mean...I got up in front of the entire bus and imitated Bro. Simon conducting Jericho...I NEVER get up in front of people unless I have a clarinet or piano at my disposal). I had a conversation with a guy in one of the host families and it was like we had known each other or something. I've never felt that comfortable talking to a guy before. Usually I feel so insecure, stupid and (can't think of the word...grr) whatever it may be that I usually just shut up and don't say anything. (maybe that is why I have never had a boyfriend before....hmm) It was a great experience and I will never forget it. My testimony was strengthened and my life has a sense of meaning again. Heavenly Father knew that I needed to be a member of this choir. Otherwise, I would've taken the other class and maybe I would have the hope of graduating next year...oh well. That's another story.