Crushed

Tonight I am crushed.
Tonight I am without many words.
Tonight I don't know what to do.

I understand that the world is full of people that believe they are gay, transgender, bisexual, etc. It has become increasingly more and more a major part of our daily lives.
I get that.
I honestly don't know what I believe I am yet, so kudos to those people for believing in something. 
I don't agree with it, but that doesn't mean I hate the person for what they believe. I don't hate anyone. I really don't. So, as you read this, please understand where I'm coming from.

My best friend, my 'sister from another mister' tonight sent me a very thoughtful text. I thought she was just being nice. Then she mentioned something my brother had posted on Facebook.

My brother has thrown out hints for a long time now and I was only fearing the day that it would be a reality as opposed to just a suspicion. Well, tonight my suspicions were put to rest and the reality is there.

My brother has 'come out.'

I'm not so surprised by the announcement, but I am deeply crushed by how I found out.

I have been raised to love those around me, even those that are different. And, as far as I know, the only people I'm not a fan of are the ones that I have personality conflicts with, not the people that believe differently. 

What I'm blogging about right now is the crushed feeling that I have because my brother couldn't tell me in person. He had to tag me in a note he made public on Facebook.

Who does that?!

Home?

A few years ago I was able to participate in the Ogden LDS Institute choir show that was titled "Coming Home." We sang dozens of songs about home.
At one point I thought I understood it all. At one point it didn't seem to matter.
Now it does.
Even though we didn't actually sing this particular song, it went through my mind constantly as we took our show on tour during the summer. The song is called "Home is a Special Kind of Feeling." Here are the lyrics:

Home is a special kind of feeling
The feeling of a place where you belong
A feeling that the world is left behind you
Like a shelter from your cares that seems to want you
to be there

Home is that special kind of feeling
The feeling that you've made it all your own
Somewhere which you know is really your place
A place for living, your special place, your home

Home has a welcome kind of feeling
The firelight, and the warmth of hearth and home
A welcome that you know will always cheer you
Like a gentle fond "hello" that seems to touch you with a glow

Home has a quiet kind of feeling
An island when you need to be alone
A haven for the times you spend together
There's nowhere better, no other place like home

The first stanza is the one that I'm really feeling right now.
By this time tomorrow I will be back in Utah. I'm NOT excited. My spontaneous trip to Missouri has been amazing. We had fun, we ate good food and it was overall a great experience. But the part that keeps sticking with me is that it feels like home. I got to drive around town on my own yesterday and it just felt like I belonged. I don't know if my mind was just wanting to feel that way or if it was a true feeling of...inspiration? I feel so at peace here. I feel like I fit in. My family members feel like friends I've had my entire life.
I don't want to leave!
Home IS a feeling. I feel like I belong here. I wish I could stay. :(