I've been without internet for a couple of weeks and it feels like it's been years since I've written a blog. So, with that, I feel like I need to express some thoughts right now about what's going on in my life.
A year ago I was suffering from very severe back pain. I could barely get out of bed in the morning and it was test and trial to go to work every day to lift huge batches of dough and big bags of 10 pizzas and so on. I honestly thought I was going to need back surgery or I'd end up with chronic pain for the rest of my life. I never got a diagnosis on the actual problems since I don't have medical insurance and couldn't afford more than one trip to an insta-care for some very necessary pain killers (that ended up making me so sick that I had to stop taking them...unfortunately it was the only thing that helped). I'm fairly certain I had a ruptured disk in my upper and possibly lower back as well. My upper back pain came on suddenly one night while in an orchestra rehearsal. My lower back 'went out' 2 weeks later while at work. I've had problems with my disks before way back when I did tumbling in jr. high school (too many back bends??). I was constantly taking pain killers and trying everything I could find online to help. Heat, cold, stretches...you name it. I even tried a chiropractor. Nothing helped. I felt completely trapped. After months of this I finally resigned myself to the fact that I would never be able to do anything super fun anymore. I had done some modern dance at WSU for a couple of semesters in the past and I also enjoyed going country dancing every once and awhile, but was not able to tolerate the pain at all and lost all hope of ever enjoying those things again.
Then, one day, miraculously my lower back started getting better. My aunt had had some similar back problems and had shown me some strengthening exercises. I had also discovered a ball method of pain relief that I ordered online that seemed to help slightly. I finally got to the point where, with some manipulation, I could at least turn around in my car to see out the back window to back out of a parking spot (it was that bad). Thankfully things kept improving. But, to no avail, there was only one cure for my upper back and it only lasted for a few hours. I discovered a Pilates video on Netflix. There was one stretch that just seemed to get the screaming nerves to calm down for a little while. (just so you know, the pain felt like I was getting stabbed in the back constantly while every muscle that could, would tighten up)
(slight tangent-I promise it's important)
The first 2 weeks of August have now come to mean so much to me. I was able to travel to Missouri with my parents to visit my mother's family. I love them so dearly. I had had a chance to visit them briefly in March (for the first time in probably 10 years or so), but this time was so much better. We spent 2 weeks total, driving there, staying there, and driving back. I got to spend time with my cousins that I barely know. I found out that even though I don't have any real sisters, my mom's sisters are just as much mine as hers.
I slept the entire time there on my aunt's couch. I don't know that I slept very well that entire trip (yay for humidity and sleeping on a couch for too long), but something happened...I really don't know what. When we got to our hotel in Nebraska on the way back home I went to bed feeling sick and thought life was just getting even more 'peachy.' I woke up the next morning not feeling sick anymore, and my upper back pain was almost completely gone. It was a complete miracle! I didn't dare say anything because I didn't want to jinx it. The next day it was just about the same. After a week of barely any pain I got really excited. I was able to move again!
A little back story on this next part...
Last year (before the pain started) I had the opportunity to accompany not just the Ogden classes, but the Bountiful classes as well (and by classes, I mean the Virginia Tanner Creative Dance Program). The teacher (Liz) and I had many a conversation after classes got out. At one time I told her how I had taken some dance in the past and was wanting to do it again. She mentioned to me that there was an adult class in Salt Lake and that I should go. Since my schedule was really hectic at that time I decided against going. But, I had the idea to give it a try the following year. So, with that...back to my story... :)
With just a week before all the dance classes started up again I realized that I could move again and that it might actually be ok to take this dance class. I missed the first week since I had to work (or something...not sure I remember). I showed up the next week not knowing what to expect. I was seriously overweight, out of shape and hadn't done any real dancing in about 2 years. I met Miss Anne. She was so gracious and welcoming. I don't know that I would've stayed had it not been for her sincere acceptance of my desire and not my physical appearance.
For awhile I felt anxiety before leaving for each rehearsal. I wondered what I was doing to myself. I gained so much weight after I graduated from WSU. My back was still slightly trying to warn me to be careful and I just didn't know if it was a good idea to do it. I was very self-conscious and wondered if I'd ever fit in.
Fast forward to now.
Tomorrow is the annual performance at Kingsbury Hall. Last year I got to accompany the 2 Bountiful classes while they danced, but other than that, I have had no real experience with these shows (other than doing what I can to help out while my Ogden dancers have prepared).
Tomorrow I actually get to dance, on stage.
Tomorrow, I get to be someone I think I've always wanted to be.
As a child I remember many a time listening to music and creating dances to it in my mind. (not that I really knew what I was doing...) I always feel the music I listen to and want to move with it. If you watch my senior clarinet recital video it's tiring watching how much I move. I think I've really been dancing my entire life...just without any real clue though. :) I don't think I ever really understood what dance was all about. I grew up on a small military base that lacked in many normal activities that most children get to experience. I was lucky to be able to do tumbling when I did. I only knew that my 2 cousins danced and that was about it...I was really in a little bubble back then.
So, even though I'm still nowhere near the ideal dancer I'd like to be...I'm still able to be a part of this performance tomorrow. There is so much more I could say right now, but it's getting late and I have to be up and on the road by 7:30am (yikes!).
My life has been blessed exponentially since I was offered the opportunity to accompany the Ogden studio classes 4 years ago. The teachers I've been able to work with, the children I get to watch every week, the music I've been able to create (improv is not one of my strengths, but I have had some magical moments in that studio), the dear friends I've made, and the changes I've experienced in my own personal life because of this program never cease to amaze me.
Every time I think about trying to get a new job, I realize that I won't be able to play with these beautiful children anymore and...well, there's a reason I'm working at a pizza place right now...part-time jobs are flexible.
So, the whole purpose of this, I suppose, is to express my sincere gratitude and amazement. First, gratitude, for the many blessings. Second, amazement, because this time last year I was in so much pain. I never thought I'd be able to do anything like this. I never imagined I would be able to do anything like this in my life...EVER!
To anyone that has read this, I don't know that I could ever truly express how I feel every time I think about this. I am completely overwhelmed. I don't know what life holds in store for me in the coming months, but if I am able and capable, I so hope I can continue to have this as a part of my life. It's the only thing that has kept me going in my darkest hours these past couple years (and they've been VERY dark at times).
Music and dance are how I express myself. They are the very core of my being and I don't know who I'd be without these wonderful things in my life.
