Sleepless

Ever since my dad passed away I have been struggling with severe anxiety and panic attacks. The worst episode I had was while I was trying to fall asleep. 

I laid in my bed feeling so absolutely terrified that I thought I was actually losing my mind. I feared that if I did not stay awake and stay focused, I would lose my literal sanity forever. I felt out of control. I felt as if I was fighting to stay alive. I had to consciously make an effort to breathe. I didn't get much sleep that night. The only reason I did sleep at all was because my eyes just couldn't stay open any longer. 

I haven't had too many attacks as severe as that particular one, but every now and then I come close. 

Tonight is one of those nights. 

It is past 3 am now. My eyes are getting heavy. I decided to take a sleep aide this time. I have multiple essential oils difusing and have also slathered myself in oils that are supposed to help with anxiety. And yet, I still feel as if my heart is ready to stop beating. I fear that if I don't concentrate enough, I will die. 

I can't begin to express how horrifying this is. 

Breathing is a literal chore. 

I know the morning is already coming and I fear I may sleep in late enough that I will have wasted the day away. 

This is not who I want to be. I don't know why this was triggered by my dad's death, but it was and I don't know how to deal with it. 

Everyone keeps telling me to get therapy. 

Can I tell you how hard it is to even begin thinking about finding a therapist?! Oh, and I'm not insured as of right now...so paying for one is overwhelming enough to make me avoid it. 

I want to sleep soundly again 

I stayed with my mother in Missouri for a week just this past week. I wanted to visit her for her birthday. It was a good trip. 

There was only one night in which I felt only a minimal pang of anxiety. And as quickly as it came, it left. I have never been able to pass or so quickly...not since my dad died at least. 

It only took me one full day and night to return to my previous anxieties. 

I don't feel safe in my house and my mind is obviously overwhelmed with some things. 

I think the sleep aide may actually be working. This is a miracle!!!

I thought I knew what bad anxiety and insomnia were like. 

I was wrong. 

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

Having anxiety like this is like literally living in hell on earth. 

Hopefully I will be able to sleep some now. 

Goodnight!

Life has been hard

I have not posted much in a long time. 

Just under a week after my last post, my father passed away. 

Life has been so incredibly difficult. 

My father's death triggered a cyclone in my emotions, moods, and mental health. 

I'm just now starting to feel some semblance of normalcy.

However, my mother just left to move back to her hometown in Missouri yesterday. 

As we were going through many boxes stored in the shed in the backyard, I came across boxes of clothes. 

2 boxes of clothes had belonged to my dad. I pulled out one sweater that I remember vividly. I decided to hold onto it with the hopes of finding some way to turn it into a pillow or who knows. I'm sure I can find Pinterest to be of some help. 

I also found a box of my old baby clothes that my mom had held onto. 

Looking at those clothes opened up an old wound in my heart. 

I am 30 years old now and have yet to even get my first kiss, let alone get married and have kids. 

I've buried my hopes and dreams of getting married for so long and seeing those baby clothes ripped that grave wide open. 

Last night I had a dream that I had fallen love with a TV character from a show I've been binge watching lately. 

It felt so good to be in love and to feel loved. It felt so good to have a hope of getting married and starting a family. 

Nevertheless, it was sadly just a dream. 

 

I have many people saying they are there for me, but I still feel so very alone now. 

I am the least ready I have ever been in my life to let someone else in, but more than ever, I truly need to have someone in my life. 

I cannot express how hard the past few months have been. 

I almost quit doing massage. It took weeks to feel comfortable touching someone again after touching my dad's dead body. Every once and awhile I still struggle with it. 

I've gone through some serious waves of depression and anxiety. Bad enough to where I've almost taken myself to the hospital. I still can't bring myself to do anything a responsible adult should do. 

In psychology I believe the term that should be used for me is regression. I feel like I have regressed back to feeling like a child. And now with my mom gone, I just don't know what to do. 

Like I said, I'm really in no position to be in a relationship, but more than ever before I wish I had someone in my life and I wish I had my own family. 

Life is hard sometimes. 

Seriously. 

Me

I want to run. 

I want to explore the mountains close to me and the pathways across the sea. 

I want to sing. 

I want to play the symphonies of the greatest and put myself to the test. 

I want to love. 

I want to be a wife and a mother, a more understanding friend and a better daughter. 

I want to improve. 

I want to conquer my fears and not be so scared of the potential I've shown throughout the years. 

I want to believe. 

I want the courage to face my doubts and to truly comprehend what life is really about. 

I want to be more. 

I want to step forward, never back and be grateful for all I have. 

However. 

I am me. 

I'm imperfect in every way, but I'll keep learning, day by day. 

A poem...rough draft

Lately I've been pondering who I am and what I stand for. And by lately, I mean I've been pondering this for a long time. 

I've discovered that I easily change who I am and what I stand for based on who I am around. When I'm alone, I tend to not know who I really am. Maybe that's why I struggle with being a lone so much nowadays. If I'm not around someone I have no sense of self. 

It is commonly said that we must find out who we are before we can find someone else to spend the rest of our lives with. 

If I don't know who I am, how is someone supposed to love me as there isn't a real me to love just yet. 

Often I feel like a chameleon. 

My colors change as my backdrop changes. 

I wanted to do a freestyle writing on my thoughts and feelings about this and I came up with a little poem of sorts. 

I wanted to share it. 

Maybe someday I'll have more. Maybe not. 

What are my colors?

Am I black and white, knowing what's right?

Am I pale and pink, beautiful but weak?

Or am I red? I've got something to be said. 

Am I blue or green, solid and sure?

Or Am I Orange and fiery? 

Maybe I'm purple,

Made of royalty. 

Am I fuchsia, with no fear of who I am?

Or Am I yellow, Daring to compete with the sun?

Am I a rainbow, a little of everything? Or am I a chameleon that changes from day to day? 

A rock is steady and grey, who am I at the end of the day?

What are my colors?