For the First Time in a Long Time...

I'm actually giddy!!! I missed this feeling! Oh man...I don't know if I want to explain why I'm giddy, but it does have to do with a person of the opposite sex. He is very attractive and seems to be interested in me (a first!). :) It's nothing more than an aquaintence still, but it's hopeful!
I'm all smiles for once...and it's great to feel alive again!
Wahooo!!!!!

It Has Been A Long Week

Wow. (I seem to start my blogs off with small words like this...I need to find another way to start a blog) (hmmm)
anyways
So, after my huge nightmare with moving in, school has begun and I am amazingly still alive. My new roommates are very good. It's so quiet...I'm not sure how to handle it yet to be honest. I just barely finished my room yesterday. It was quite a feat. Actually, it's not clean yet, but there's stuff on the walls and mostly everything is put away.
This past week has been the longest week I think I have ever experienced. Time really is relative. I think I will be able to handle my extremely full schedule, so that's good. :)
I thought I had so much to tell, but I suppose I'm so out of it right now that I don't want to write much. Oh...
So, I have been once again confined to the computer labs. My laptop had an episode on either Monday or Tuesday night. It no longer works. It's rather frustrating, but there's a really good deal at the bookstore on macs, so I think I may invest in one if I get my financial aid by then. (crosses fingers and prays!) I am currently waiting for my laundry to finish drying, but I also just realized that I forgot to notice the time when I started the dryers. D'oh!
So, I guess that's all for now. Sad...I I had so much to say when I typed out my last blog, but that was on the fateful night my computer crashed...so I lost everything I wrote. And it's still lost. :)
Until next time!

Panic on the Highway

Today was nothing short of insane. I woke up not knowing where I would be sleeping tonight. I don't even want to relive what happened today...it was too much. Let's just say it was enough to cause me to go into a panic attack while I was driving up to Ogden today. Now, I've had panic attacks like this before, but it's been a long time. Usually, though, my panic attacks happen when I'm about to get on an airplane or when I'm already on one. Everything seemed so impossible. All I could do was try to keep my eyes clear from the tears and control my breathing so I wouldn't pass out and crash. I was driving down I-215 at the time. Wow...that was not a good experience. But, thankfully...in nothing short of a miracle, I am now sitting on my bed, listening to an f16 fly by and feeling exhausted from moving in. I'm home. It's a little weird right now, since no one else is here and it's fairly empty in the other rooms, but I'm home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home!

Overwhelmed

Last week was nothing short of crazy. Monday I got a call from my boss at a job I had last year. She had called me at the beginning of the summer about coming back, but I didn't have an answer for her. As the summer passed I forgot to call back. (not that I knew what to do anyways) Then, Monday she called and asked if I would be interested in working a few hours a week. Since my financial situation is not good right now I have been praying for help. I saw this job offer as an answer to my prayers, so I agreed to it instantly. It's not my favorite job in the world, but it is so much better than making sandwiches that I can't even begin to express my gratitude for the offer. Then, on Wednesday (?) I got a text from a friend. This text said something to the effect of-would you like to room with me and 2 other girls (that I know)? Rent is about $260/month and she listed the address. I was at work at the time and got a little distracted by this text. I got the info but had just about an hour to make my decision. To be honest, I'm not sure how I felt about it. But, the cheap rent, location and fact that I would already know who I was rooming with pretty much made up my mind for me. I got ahold of my mother and she agreed that it would be a good idea. Monday I went in for my first day at my newly assigned job. Considering I had never been fully trained for this job in the previous year, I had my share of "of crap....what am I doing?!'s" But, things went well. My job involves working with children. I don't have very much experience working with children. To be honest, they scare me sometimes. I don't know how to talk to them, and I don't know what to expect from them. I suppose that in most cases you just judge those things based on each child as you interact with them. But, it makes me so uncomfortable sometimes. After I finished on Tuesday I ended up talking to a friend of mine that is going into the same field as I am (education). I know he was joking, but at the same time, I'm sure he was very serious. I had told him how there were a couple of kids I just had no idea what to do about, he looked at me and said something like-are you sure you want to teach? He only echoed the question that has been going through my mind since I decided to go into that field. Last week I even got to the point of looking at pretty much any other field I might be interested in. I am so interested in so many other things that I 'could no sooner pick a star in the heavens.' But, everytime I think about choosing something else I feel blocked...I feel that stupor of thought. It frustrates me so much somtimes. I want to go into science, but I feel like education is where I need to be. I haven't figured this out yet to be honest. I'm trying to be patient, but failing miserably. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I would love to have a job where I don't have to talk to anyone...yay social anxiety! Anyways. So, I'm feeling very anxious, unsure and overwhelmed by everything right now. I'm not sure about this new place that I'll be living in. I've lived in campus housing every year I've gone to school. I'm used to it. I may even be a bit spoiled by it. Free internet, cable and telephone (not that I use the phone at all). Then there's the bus that runs through the parking lot. And, as much as I hate it sometimes, I love getting to meet and make new friends every year. I get annoyed by being the oldest one in the apartment sometimes, but some of my best friends have come from my roommates in those apartments. Then there's the girls I'm going to be rooming with this year. Theyare my friends, but I'm not sure what it's going to be like living with them. One person has a tendency to be very negative and I tend to be negative around her as well. I don't enjoy it. I almost feel a sense of terror at the thought of living at this place. It's a great place and it's cheap and convenient, but I just don't feel good about it. I want to live on campus. As much as I have wanted to get away from it, I don't want to leave it. It has been my home for the past 5 years. I don't want to leave. I can't believe I'm saying this. :) But, at the moment, I have to stay there. The contract is signed and the other girls are depending on me to keep my part of the deal so that they also benefit from the cheap rent. I want out, but it's too late. Oi...it's too early in the school year to be feeling this stressed out. Anyways. This upcoming year seems to have so much uncertainty about it. I don't like it. :) (who does?)
The USA just won the gold medal in beach volleyball. I love volleyball. This makes me happy :)
I had olympic dreams...*sigh*...:)
Anyways...I think I need to publish this while I still have an internet connection. So, that's all for now I suppose. School starts in less than a week...I thought I was excited, I don't know anymore. Ahhh!

A Storm is Coming

(in more ways than one)

Just to warn you, you may want to skip over this blog, unless you really want to read into my soul...ha ha...not that it's that terribly deep, but I find that this is the only chance I have of writing my thoughts down without worry of losing the info... I suppose I could hand write it in a journal, but my hand hurts when I write that much these days. (stupid tendonitis!)

So anyways.

There is a storm brewing outside. It came from nowhere. I have not heard of any weather reports warning of high wind or any other such severe weather circumstances. As I type my eyes grow heavy and I want to go to sleep, but there is much on my mind. Everyone seems to have one true goal, desire or dream in their life. We are told that, no matter what that is, we must sacrafice everything we have to attain that one goal, desire or dream. I keep thinking to myself....what do I really want in life? I'm working towards being a music teacher, but I'd also love to be a meteorologist, storm chaser, veterinarian, massage therapist, photographer and neurologist. As much as I would love to do all of those things, there is not enough time, nor enough money. So, I must choose one (or maybe 2 if I'm lucky) to persue. The thing is, I always feel a sense of emptiness when I decide to go down one of those paths. Music education is the last thing I really want to do, but it seems to be the thing that I need to do. It's really quite frustrating. I feel so wrong when I try to choose another path. But, I'm not extremely happy nor excited to be a music teacher. I am not the kind of person that will make a good teacher. Kids scare me. I'm terrible in social situations and I'm not a leader. (somehow I keep getting put in leadership positions that I never really feel adequate for-even if I desire it...ei-section leader of the clarinets at Weber) Anyways. Anytime I think of the ONE thing I truly want to be in life, I realize that it is to be a mother. Funny thing about that is that I don't have %100 control on how that will pan out in my life. It's the one thing I desire over anything else, and yet, I have never had a boyfriend, I have only been kissed once (by a child when we were about 5 years old), guys tend to look the other direction when I look at them. See a pattern? The one thing I want I never seem to be even close to. So, I keep trying to fool myself that I'll be happy enough if I persue another path.
I don't want to do music, but yet I'm drawn to it. It is a blessing in my life and I feel selfish for not wanting to teach others, but then again, I'm not the greatest teacher in the world, and I would still try to give private lessons at home regardless of my final profession. I wish I could say what I feel. My mom brought out a stack of photos I took of Southern Utah a few years ago when we drove down there to move my brother in for school. I look at those pictures and see a faint possiblity of a career I would enjoy, but how on earth do I 'go for it'? My camera is a crappy 4.1 mega pixel sony cybershot that is terrible at capturing the true beauty that I see around. I can't afford a nice $400-900 Nikon or Canon that I am so interested in purchasing some day. I could change my major to photography, but is that a wise idea? I would have to take art classes, and I'm a terrible artist. And, I take pictures of nature, not people. I wouldn't be able to set up a studio for portraits and such. I would love to travel and take pictures of the world, but how would I accomplish that? I would need another career to support my career. I guess I'm going to need that anyways if I stick with music. (I'll have to work night shifts at a restaraunt just to pay for my clarinet reeds, music and so on) I feel trapped. I feel like echoing the words of Samwise Gamgee in the movie of Lord of the Rings. He says something to the effect of "the one place we can't find is the one place we want to get into..." Well...it's not even close to that, but I don't remember it and I'm not going to go put in the movie to figure it out, since I'm not sure which movie it's in (stupid trilogy!) ;) I can hear it being said in my mind, but as soon as I try to write it, the words get twisted and turned around. Anyways, that's how I feel. The one place I can't get to is the place I want to go. Maybe I should take that leap and just go for it. But, I'm scared. I've never done anything like that before in my life and I'm not about to screw up my life over some silly dream (oh wait...it's already screwed up...why would one more decision make it that much worse?) I am a good photographer. I take pride in my pictures. I wish I had a better camera. I love to see the beauty of the Earth and I love to capture it in still motion. But how on earth am I going to live? (that's where a handsome doctor, lawyer, entrepenuer, etc would be helpful ;))
Ah...I could go on all night. But, it is almost 1am, I'm tired and I have to work tomorrow. I really wish that I had put in my 2-week notice sooner. I really don't want to go back there ever again. Hate isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel about that place. It's so tempting to ask if I can change the date I put on my resignation. Hmm....I'll have to think about that one. As much as I need the extra cash, I just don't know if my spirit can take it any longer. It was nice to be happy this weekend. It went by too quickly. I didn't even get to sleep in. Sadness...pure sadness. Anyways. I need to go to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open and I still need to read my scriptures. Ah...and there's a whole 'nother blog right there. I have so much to improve on....oi! Ok, for real now...
Goodnight!

Tux the Terrorist

My sweet, dear little kitty
Your tail is so fluffy, so soft
And your fur is so clean and shiny
Eyes wide and beady,
nose so high and noble.

You turn your head
the inocence is gone
you jump, coo, purr
and off you go
there's terror in your eyes

From a distance a crash is heard
There's another coo
Yet another crash
there you go
running around like mad

This is not a poem
although it tries
I just had to try
since there's a wildness,
a super insanity in your eyes.


:)


I tried :) lol

I love my new little furry friends. Everytime I look at them I feel giddy with love for them. They are truly super cute. They are nuts and it surprises me that the house is still standing...oh wait...there went a wall (lol...well...something fell). Anyways. I am going to miss these little terrors when I go back to school. I no longer allow them in my bedroom because they have figured out how to get on top of my clothes hanging up in my closet (I can just see one slipping and shredding a favorite shirt on the way down to the floor), not to mention the breakable things....and a peaceful night's sleep that they so love to deny me. :) So, any time they can, they sneak into my room. It's so cute. :) Anyways...I need to sleep. Goodnight!

Hmmm......

Well, I am in a weird mood right now. It has been an interesting day. It started off with a weird dream. It was good, but not reaal enough. :) Two of the main characters in my dream already know a little about this dream, but I want to write the whole dream down (as much as I can remember at least). I remember this:
We were all sitting behind the curtain on the stage at my old elementary school (but yet, it wasn't there). (this dream went back and forth between that location and the MPR at the institute) There were a few of us sitting around. I think it was a performance, because we were trying to be quiet beackstage, but then again, it may have just been a dress rehearsal. Anyways. So, I also think that it was Halloween...but I'm not sure. Janel walks in in her costume. This costume was (ha ha ha) a swimsuit. We were all ok with it, but I know that I knew that something wasn't good about this costume (I just couldn't put my finger on it). Anyways, this was backstage. Then I ended up in the ladies bathroom (not in the institute though...huh...I don't know where that bathroom was). I started talking to someone about how hot this guy was in the choir. Then I went back on stage and sat down to talk to my friends. This guy then came up to me and told me he needed to talk to me. I couldn't tell if he was happy or not. Anyways, I kind of just sat there and asked him what it was about, and he said that his sister (but I think it was more like his sister's best friend...or cousin or....oi, I'm not sure) was in the bathroom. I had this 'uh oh' kind of moment. He said that he knew I thought he was hot....and that's where the dream ended (stupid alarm clock!). Funny thing is....this guy really is very good-looking. Sigh....
But, I highly doubt that Janel will ever wear her swimsuit into the institute like that....lol So, I don't think I want this dream to come true...as much as I would love to find out what this guy thinks of me. Oh well.....

I feel another blog comming on.....

New Layout!

What do you think? It actually matches the title! :)

The Owl Was Right!

So, I had a bad day...that turned into a wonderful day.
I woke up feeling more exhausted than I've felt all summer (it's been getting progressively worse lately...especially this week...maybe I'm getting sick). I had about a half hour to get ready for work; thankfully I made it on time. When I got there my boss was not in a good way. We talked as she was in the process of finding a ticket to Michigan to go help out with some family problems. I can't explain the stress that this thought put in my body. That would mean I would be in charge of the store while she was gone. I'm not in any position to run that place for that long. Anyways, then the customers started coming in...and they didn't stop for what seemed an eternity. We almost ran out of bread before 2. That's a LOT of bread (and sandwiches). Closer to the end of the rush we got a phone call from the main gate asking us to sponser someone on base. It turned out that this person was a 'secret shopper.' So, we prepared ourselves to be on our best behavior (which isn't too much different than normal). I was at the cash register. Some customers came in that I didn't recognize and I figured it was them. It was them. Ha ha. Anyways. Apparently I did a good job, because my boss later handed me a certificate that stated that I will be receiving a $20 American Express gift card. I have money for school supplies! Joy! Then, later she told me I could have the night off, since things are going ok with the new supervisor. So, as I left work, I also got the shock of my life. I don't have to work again until Monday. I haven't felt that happy since ....I don't know when. As I was coming around the corner to my street on my bike I heard an owl hooting. It made this sound of hoo hoo. And I couldn't help but think that it was echoing my thoughts to the world. Woo hoo!!!! Thank you little owl for sharing my happiness with the world around us. I am still giddy with laughter at the thought that I didn't have to work tonight. This is the first free night I've had in over a month....if not 2. It has been wonderful. And, I don't have to work tomorrow. Nor do I work on Saturday and we are closed on Sundays. I don't know if I can ever go back. I love this feeling of being happy. :) Oh well, I have less than 2 weeks there anyways. It's all a matter of sticking it out to the end.
So, even though my computer is showing signs of breaking down again, I'm still extremely broke and I have no hope of making it back to school peacefully, I had a great day today. I loved it! :)

WOO HOOO!!!!!!
:)

Much Ado About Nothing...

So, I've been watching tv a lot lately. I have seen a lot on there, but nothing as cool as what I just saw. It's a show on the DIY network called 'Deconstruction.' It appears to be a little similar to Mythbusters. This guy was heating up pans and putting them on different countertop materials to see what was resistent (or not) to the heat. They finally got to granite, which didn't show any signs of distress even after being blow-torched. So, they made a fondu pot of chemicals that made it burn at 5000(?) degrees. It was sweeeeeet!!!!! The tabletop was engulfed in flames. When it was done, the tabletop had actually cracked and turned to rubble. This is exciting! It's making me want to have my own kitchen so I can get a beautiful granite counter. *sigh*...someday

In other news. I have less than 2 weeks at Subway. I can't believe that the summer is almost over. It will take a miracle for everything to work out so I can go back to school this semester. I am having some serious financial problems and it just keeps getting worse. I don't know how I'm going to pay for everything. I'm thinking about applying for a loan, but I doubt I'll get approved. I need to learn to save money, not spend it. :)

Man, I'm tired. I don't know what it is, but there is either something in the air, or I'm getting sick. (Oooo! Now they're dropping bowling balls on the countertops!!!!! And now they just broke the bowling ball....I like this show! :) ) Ok....ADD moment over.

Last night was very interesting. I had a conversation with the boy that has not given up on me. I sad a little about it in the previous blog and following poem, but I think I want to vent some more about it now. We started talking on the IM on facebook. I thought it would just be a simple conversation about nothing in particular, but somehow it turned into a dtr and a nightmare. I don't know what to do. I've already discussed our 'relationship' in another blog. I will not do that now. Sometimes when I talk to him I feel things, but how do I know that it's not just my body saying 'this is your only hope for any physical contact with a guy'....or something like that. Anyways. My biggest problem is that I'm not attracted to him. Without attraction it's hard to want to look at that person in a romantic light...at least I think it is. There are tons of guys out there that I am way more attracted to (although they don't seem to share the same sentiment). Anyways...So, we talked and he told me that he would be in the area next weekend as he moves up to BYUI. He asked if there was any way he could see me. Now, I have told him many times that I don't like him in that way, but apparently he STILL has not gotten it. I understand that he wants to see a 'friendly face' but I wonder if he doesn't have other motives (in fact, I know he does). But, I couldn't get out of it. Even though I told him I would be moving in the day that we would be able to meet, he wouldn't give up. He even offered to help me move in. I don't want anyone touching my stuff but my mom and I. So, yeah, I gave in, sort of. I guess I kind of have a date of sorts planned. But, I have my doubts as to it actually happening. Everytime he tries to see me, it doesn't happen. So...I suppose that I'm not making as much sense as I would like.
In one respect, he is a good person, he's trying to finish his schooling that will put him in a very respectable career, he works hard, he's honest and he's pretty much everything on the list that we learn to make in young womens, but I just can't do it. I can't let myself like him like that. If I could look past a few certain things, it would probably be a great relationship, but I just don't know if I can or want to look past those things. (not to mention he lives in another state) I keep hoping that I'll meet someone else, get engaged and show him that I am seriously not interested in him. Ah...I'm so stuck in a rut of insanity that I never thought I could experience.

Well...it's almost midnight. My internet connection isn't working and I need sleep. A friend of mine just got her mission call and is trying to read the Book of Mormon all the way through before she leaves in September. We talked about it and I decided to do it with her for support and my own good. I'm not doing so well. I need to get going. I have a lot of catching up to do.
Alrighty, the connection is back. I'm posting this while I have a chance.
Goodnight ya'll!

Clouds

Wow, it is beyond late right now and I need sleep, but I wanted to write a blog tonight. Apparently I'm writing 2 now. I had an inspiring moment at work and wanted to come home and write about it. I came home and my parents had a John Wayne movie blaring, so I couldn't concentrate on writing then. Then I got into an instant messaging conversation with the boy that has been after me for pretty much my entire life. I think I had my first real DTR with someone. It's funny though, our relationship is so weird...I don't know if it can be defined. You can read how I feel about that in my previous blog. It's an attempt at a poem. I'm not a writer, so take it for what it's worth.
Anyways...
On to what I really wanted to write....


Today I walked out the back door at work to get something from the freezer (since it is outside and not inside...whoever designed that place wasn't too bright). I felt the warm breath of the wind against my body and decided to go to the gate to behold the incomming storm that was supposed to be coming our way. I walked to the fence door and felt a sense of awe and wonder as I looked at the cloudy sky above and around. The sight was beautiful. The sun was starting to set and the colors beginning to show. In one direction there seemed to be a seemless flow from the light grey color of the clouds to a darker grey and then to an almost deep blue color and back to the light grey like a wave in a painters pallet. As I stood there, even in just that brief moment, I saw the clouds and felt the warm air surround me like a hug from heaven. I looked farther into the sky and felt that there was more out there for me. I wish I could've captured that moment forever. It was as if I was being called to go on a new adventure. Sadly, I had to turn around and go back to work.

I really want to write more, but I am feeling so tired that I feel sick. I need to go to bed. My resignation is in and my days are numbered at Subway. It's a wonderful feeling. :)
I can't wait to go back to school. The more I think about it, the more anxious I am to see my friends and family again. My friends being my family ;)
Until next time....

My Dear BYUI Guy

How can I make you understand?
How can I make you see?
It's just not meant to be,
you and me.

I've told you a thousand times
I thought I was clear
It's not going to happen,
you and me.

You say you'll be better
You say you'll change
It hasn't happened yet,
you and me.

When we were kids,
When were were older
Even with a kiss, it never existed,
you and me.

Now you tell me your story
Now the truth comes out
It's not what I thought,
you and me.

This seems familiar
This has happened before
But then again, it wasn't
you and me.

The roles have changed
The scenes have been rearranged
It still isn't right, though,
you and me.

You beg and you plead
You have to see me
How can I stop
you and me?

What do I do,
What do I say?
There's never been
you and me.

Everytime I give in
Everytime you seem to win
How can this be,
you and me?

Sometimes there's a spark
Sometimes there's hope
Could it be possible,
you and me?

Problems of distance
Problems of attraction
Who am I kidding,
you or me?

Seeing eye to eye
Seeing face to face
can there be
you and me?

Maybe another life
Maybe another planet
there may be
you and me,

But for now
there never was
nor will there ever be
you and me.