A new tab on life

So, a couple of weeks ago, through a random course of events, I very graciously ended up with an old guitar. It is small, has some big cracks and the frets are not too great. But, it's a beautiful instrument.
I have never ever really learned how to play guitar. I have held one, but not more than 10 times in my entire life. I am a clarinet and piano player...not a guitarist. But, I have always wanted to learn the trade. Guitars are wonderful instruments, and they are portable, requiring no reeds or special hardware (most of the time at least). So, with this new guitar, I have become quite unsure as to how to react. It doesn't feel quite right, but I'm super excited. I got onto a website today and started teaching myself how to play a little bit. I can do a small chromatic scale and 4 chords already. It's wonderful. I don't know why, but something still isn't right about this situation, but I'm going to take advantage of it while I still can. It's almost as if I don't deserve this guitar.
I hope I can one day be worthy of owning a guitar.
I want to be able to sing songs with my children at a campfire with a guitar in hand (although, it would be more romantic if my husband would do the playing....if only :) )
Along with this, I feel a light shining in on my darkened life. Maybe this is the start of something great....every time I get depressed I should pick up a new instrument. I have always wanted to learn how to play all the instruments. Music makes me happy, but only being able to play a couple of instruments limits my abilities. So....hmm...maybe this is a good thing. :)

As an update to my previous blogs...
I am feeling a LOT better. I stopped taking the antibiotic (probably a bad idea, but the side effects just aren't worth it to me) and have started to take my vitamins again. I am planning on seeing a doctor as soon as possible to talk over what's been going on. But, since I don't have time in my schedule to see the doctor on campus, it's going to be an interesting experience. Having no medical insurance doesn't help either. But, that's why I'm trying to graduate this semester. I can't wait to get a job and be able to afford health care so I don't die before I'm 40. :)

Anyways...it's late and I should be sleeping. Goodnight!

To clear up something...

In my last blog I feel that I may have made it sound like I was blaming my problems on the death of my friend. I wasn't. I was just venting.
I have been sick and I don't know what's going on. After having lost Tanner to being sick...it has kind of been freaking me out. I was around him a lot. The last thing I would want to find out is that I had the same thing. So, I guess I'm just one of those people that get a little out of control (understatement of the century)
To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if I have pneumonia. Trust me, I have enough symptoms. I'm not just making it up. But, there are other problems that have been adding to the heap '0 trouble in my world. There is a history of diabetes in my family. I fear that I am starting to show signs of blood sugar management problems. I think I'm more on the hypoglycemic side than diabetic, but even still, it's scary. I almost passed out twice in 2 days. Every day I wake up feeling fine and then start feeling shakey and want to pass out. So, anyways...back to Tanner.
I loved Tanner as a friend, as a musician and as a brother (and I'm not just making that up-I felt like he was a brother to me at times).
We have an orchestra concert this weekend. I'm not looking forward to playing a certain piece. We are playing selections from Carmen by Bizet. There is one piece where there is an AWESOME bassoon solo. I only recall hearing Tanner play it once. But, that was enough. Half of the piece is him. Then the clarinet takes the solo with a contrapuntal bassoon line. It's SWEET. But, I won't get to play it with him again (at least in this lifetime). I hope I can keep my head up for this concert. I can still hear him playing that solo. And, every time I get to play my part, I want to do my best to play it like I was playing with him.
You never know how much a person has impacted your life until you look back on what you were like when you were around that person and compare it to what you were before and where you are now. It has almost been 3 weeks since he passed away. No one seems to notice that he's gone anymore...or at least acknowledge that there's something missing. I have to keep telling myself that he's just gone for a little while. If there's a symphony in the spirit world, I can't wait to play with him in it :) I miss him so much.

Coping...or rather...not coping at all

As I shared in a blog recently, my dear friend Tanner Holst passed away...a little over 2 weeks ago. I have never really experienced death in this way. My dog and cat passed away both within the past couple of years, I've had numerous fish and rodents die. My grandpa died when I was in second grade. BUT, none of that compares to what I have gone through these past 2 weeks. I think my record for longest time without crying since his passing is a little over 24 hours.
I have taken on a LOT of stress this semester. I am registered for 18 credit hours, but could be registered for 19. I have 2 small part time jobs. And now I'm trying to handle the emotional stress of losing my friend.
Yesterday it all came to a head when I collapsed while warming up with the Choralaires. No one really knows what happened (I seem to be invisible in that choir for the most part). Thankfully I realized what was happening before anything serious happened. I was fine, singing and happy for the most part, then my head got fuzzy and my strength gave out. Thankfully there was a chair right beneath me, so I was able to catch myself. I had a fight with my body the rest of the day. I contemplated going to the emergency room...calling my mom...or just going home. But, I had a responsibility to sing, so I told myself that it was either be carted out on a stretcher or make it through the day. I barely survived. Sis. Simon came to my side and tried to help...bless her soul, but I really felt uncomfortable with the situation. How could I explain to anyone that I was just a mess? I've been sick with sinus problems and now I wonder if I don't have pnuemonia or something...(maybe I don't have anything at all)...since I've been experiencing pains in my chest and coughing up gunk (I know...you really wanted to read that). I've been super stressed out with school. I have not been keeping up with my schoolwork like normal. I'm behind in pretty much every class...and I don't really have the option of retaking any of these classes next year (I'm applying to graduate). The past 2 weeks I have been involved in the orchestra for WSU's production of Peter Pan. Ah...I'm so scatter-brained right now. First I was stressed from school and work, then I got sick, and then I lost my friend. I was already feeling depressed when school started.
What's a person supposed to do?
My dear friend Kathryn was right by my side for the rest of the day yesterday. She was my guardian angel. Then, when I got home, I got a random text from my old roommate. I knew that I needed to ask for a priesthood blessing, but I didn't know who to turn to. And suddenly, when she asked if there was anything she could do for me, I knew who to turn to. She brought her husband and friend over and they fulfilled their priesthood responsibilities. After they left, I was feeling a lot better. I was ready to go to bed and wake up ready to go to classes. But, when I woke up I felt the same weakness that I felt yesterday. So, I slept. I slept and slept and slept. At around 1:30 I finally got up. I ate and got ready for work. I started to feel shakey again, but had to go...so I went to work. As I was standing in my room, I collapsed again. Thankfully the piano bench was there. I was in the process of texting my mom to come help me out when my first student walked in. Somehow, through no less than a miracle, I was able to teach my 2 students and make it home. Right now I actually feel pretty good. But, I am definitely ready to go to sleep. I slept 12 hours!!!!! It's been a LONG time since I've done that.
I know that Tanner would want me to be back on my feet or rather...on my butt in the practice room (well..maybe my feet), but somehow, my body has not been handling this very well.
How am I supposed to get back to normal life when I can't even stand up for more than 5 minutes without falling over? Ah!!!! I guess my point of this all isn't there. I wanted to be more elequent in what I said...but when you're tired, shakey and want to sleep...I guess getting it out in any form is better than holding it all in. I just wish I could find out if I'm really sick, or if it's just the emotional stress making my body act like it's sick. AH!!! I wish I had medical insurance...or actually...this makes me wish I was a little girl when my mom would take me to the doctor and make eveyrthing all better. I hate the adult life sometimes :)