It's been a long time since I've entered anything and published any thoughts here.
I believe 2018 was the last year I published a blog.
A lot has happened.
So much.
I won't say much on the political climate or the global pandemic...I don't have the energy to devote to that.
Today I listened to an almost hour-long video posted by David Archuleta.
I have always admired him and always felt a certain love for him. His later music has always struck a chord with me.
As I listened to what he said, so much emotion built up in me. I'm crying still.
I don't have eloquence or extensive knowledge to make this a beautiful post.
He has come out as gay and was pondering on what that means for him and being a member of the LDS faith.
I've all but resigned from the church, so it's been interesting to see his journey since coming out publicly.
As I've distanced myself from the church more and more, the more I've been starting to allow myself to question who I am. Who I REALLY am.
I've lost my faith in God...or at least the god that the church teaches us to believe in.
David had such a beautiful way of saying that he came to know that God was there and that he made him that way and that he loves him exactly as who he is. I wish I had that comfort in my life.
I've never truly questioned who I am...not until now.
Hearing David talk was what I needed to hear to start figuring this out.
I mean, I've been questioning off and on, half-heartedly, for a few months maybe...but never allowed myself to truly look inside myself to see what it is I need in life to be fulfilled.
I grew up playing with my best friend...I remember many times we would play as if we were having babies. I'd shove a ball under my tshirt and pretend to go into labor and push the ball out between my legs. Then, I'd hold a baby doll. I LOVED playing this. I even remember feeling something in my belly and maybe even groin area. (I had no idea what sex or sexual feelings were....not even a little) It was exciting. I knew I wanted to be a mom and give birth to a baby.
At that point in my life, I didn't know how babies were created. I thought they just appeared. (oh young Heather...ha ha)
Another time, in elementary school, I remember playing with some other girl friends. We'd pretend to get married to one of the other girls. I remember feeling so wrong doing that. I don't even remember exactly why I felt it was wrong for girls to be with girls and so on....I just remember feeling it was so wrong. I was definitely worried we'd get in trouble though. The other girls that pretended to be married didn't seem to think anything of it.
I also remember another time that a friend and I would kiss each other...on the cheek. It only happened a couple of times. Again...I felt it was wrong.
In the third grade I played a lot with my brother's friends (my brother is trans and is now my sister, but my memory is of them being my brother at that time, so I am going to say that for now). They had a boys-only club and I was the only girl allowed.
I remember thinking I had a crush on one boy, Jeffrey. I wrote him love letters and everything.
I don't even remember actually feeling attracted to him. I just really liked him. He made me laugh. (And as an adult, he is VERY attractive...at least, the last time I saw a picture of him.)
There is another memory (these are all out of order)...the one that started the whole story with Danny. We were so young...maybe 5 or 6. His family invited mine over for dinner. Danny and I played with our siblings. At one point I suddenly found myself blurting out "I love you." I still don't know what made me say that, other than I just felt like I needed to say it.
In high school I developed a serious crush on a guy named Jon. I didn't really find myself feeling attracted to anyone or looking at people romantically. I just remember having a lesson in church about figuring out the qualities we wanted in the man we'd marry. I didn't have many things written down.
Later, at an activity, one girl mentioned how much she looked at Jon as being the person who had the best characteristics. I was struggling with wanting to go to church at that time (I believe I had tried to stop going for almost a month). This comment about him got me thinking.
I started paying attention to who he was and started adding characteristics I attributed to him, to my list. Then I came to the realization that if he was already this amazing person, why would he want to marry someone like me. So, I worked as hard as I knew how to, to change who I was, to be more like him.
I had the most intense feelings for him because of this. I always claimed that he changed my life. I still think he did. He gave me a reason to grow and change. But, we never even went out on a date. Embarrassingly enough, I emailed him when he was at college and asked him to prom. He declined and I spent the next 4 or so years feeling so mad at myself and embarrassed. No other guy I met at college compared to him. I held onto those feelings until I found out he was engaged. My heart hurt so much over that.
Through the years in college I had small crushes on guys, but only a couple of other men really stand out. Again, it always turned into a one-sided story. Jaron was someone I looked to very much like Jon. Jaron...every time I think about that story....I get filled with a lot of emotion. However, again...he got married. Then there was Jacob. We actually did go on one date. Nothing ever happened after that.
Then there was Spencer. Spencer was the most intimate I've ever been with someone. And before you get any ideas...we never even kissed. I can still feel myself get excited when I think about the chemistry we had though. He would hold my hand and EVERY SINGLE NERVE in my body would light up. My lady bits would throb, breathing was hard to keep steady....I'd shake even. It was electric. I mean it in every sense of the word. He found someone else....per usual.
Then there was another Jon. We dated, but I felt awkward around him. The dating didn't go too far...but we did end up working together for a couple years. In that time I felt we had some chemistry. I wanted so badly for him to give me a second chance. I even asked at one point. He declined.
Every time I try to go on a date now, however, I can't even bring myself to respond to someone.
I think I've been hurt too many times (a massive over-generalization).
When I moved to Murray to go to massage school, things shifted for me. They've been shifting ever since.
I had already lost my faith, but was still trying to hold on to the church in any way I could...holding out hope that I would find someone to marry in the temple and that we'd be ok after that.
There were very few men I found myself attracted to when I moved to Murray. And, the ones I found myself liking always turned out to be gay....or someone else really liked them. So, I learned to turn off my ability to get excited.
Every man has disappointed me.
I was taught to have standards, and none of the men I knew met those. NONE.
I could dive headlong into how I see men now....that my dad hurt me and died, my brother now has better boobs than me, my grandpa died, and I have no real good men in my life. They've all left me.
The last man in my life that I felt ok looking up to was my bishop in my mid-singles ward. He saved me at a really dark time in my life. However, he was released shortly after (abandoned again).
Unfortunately I had one bishop that actually made me very uncomfortable....he hugged me without my permission when my grandma died. Another bishop told me I needed to wear lipstick...saying something about my lips. It unnerved me then and only gets worse over the years.
I had one massage client that I began having similar feelings towards....of being able to look up to and respect and hold onto as a father figure (totally not ok as a paying client)....but after many sessions of hearing him talk, he never listened to me and triggered feelings I had about my dad...that he didn't trust me.
I have been kissed only once in my adult life. I liked the guy enough. Phil. We went on one date. Then he ghosted me.
I've been getting sucked into the TikTok world and seeing lots of lesbian posts. I also have one friend who told me she was lesbian (she's actually been very instrumental in helping me progress out of the church). I've also been reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle.
To say I'm questioning things now is an understatement.
I don't know if I'm sexually attracted to women....but I know I actually feel jealous of any gay woman I've come across. I see my friend, Ginny, and how happy she is now that she's out and living a more fulfilled life. I read the words of Glennon and wonder if I'd ever had the guts to do what she did for love.
And then I hear David Archuleta and I feel a longing to come to the conclusions he has...that he deserves love just like anyone else.
I do masturbate and prefer penetration (even though it hurts a lot). I do watch some porn and prefer imagining I'm the woman getting it from a man. But, the men usually creep me out.
I'm coming to the realization that I genuinely don't like men. I get nervous when they're on my massage table. I hate hearing most of what they say when they're on my table.
Most of the men in my life have rejected and/or abandoned me.
If only women had penises I guess. I find women attractive in every way, except sexually.
(Let's be honest, though, I can't picture myself ever being intimate with anyone at this point, as much as I want to experience that.)
All of this being said...I talked to my therapist about it a little bit this week (not knowing how triggered I'd be after listening to David's video today). She mentioned just meeting it all as it is.
I don't know who or what I am at this point. I know I am lacking something in my life. I am also seriously lacking connection and intimacy. I want both of those thing so much it hurts. There is still a tiny part of me that wants to be a mom.
However, I'm too scared at this point to allow any of it to happen.
And, for now, that's how it has to be.
I'm working on being ok with that.
I want to do more reading and learning and hear more people talk about their experiences. I want to know I'm not alone.
I want a meaningful relationship in my life...so much. But, I'm not ready.
And I have to be ok with that. I am what and who I am in this moment, despite not fully knowing or understanding.
