Someday I'll Figure This Out

....But until then...

Today was a day I hope I can forget.

Remember all that crap I went through to get to where I'm at right now?

I'm wondering if I've done a SINGLE thing right in my life.

I want to enjoy life, but I can't seem to figure it out.

I love to perform music, but I'm too lacking in confidence and dedication to do anything about it.
I love to teach, but the panic attacks I've had before just teaching a simple piano lesson aren't worth it.
I love math and science (Astronomy and Meteorology especially), but I don't want to be a scientist.
I love helping people, but I struggle so much with loving myself that I can't be the person I need to be.

I went to school and did the bachelor's degree thing. I loved it. I LOVE to play music and I don't regret that, but even now the thought of playing my clarinet brings up moments of panic.

What the hell am I supposed to do with my life?!

I know I have been blessed with many talents, but I have no clue what to do with them. If I find something I'm good at I soon find problems and can't seem to get past them.

I quit my job at Convergys today.

I had the chance, after walking out dramatically, to actually come back, but I leaned on my horrible confidence-lacking ego and said no.

What next you might say???

I have NO IDEA!

I'm coming up on turning 30 in a couple of years.
I'm not young anymore!
I have to stop wasting the time I've been given.

BUT I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!!!

How is it possible to be so incredibly low and still exist?

I'm not about to jump off of a cliff, don't worry.

I understand that it takes some time to figure out who you are and all that stuff, but really??? When am I going to figure ANYTHING out?!

It's like there's a brick wall in front of me every time I try to do something good.

I'm still in massage school and I don't plan on jumping ship anytime soon, but I can't help but feel that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do (whatever that is).

When I decided to make all these changes I did them because I was staring into a dark abyss and had no other choice.

I'm not a fan of life right now.

I feel like Rapunzel on Disney's Tangled...

Stuck in the same place I've always been
And I'll keep wonderin'
And wonderin'
And wonderin'
And wonderin'
When will my life begin?

It's not like I haven't tried to make changes. But, apparently I keep making the wrong choices. 
I am a complete and total utter failure right now.

My Career Vision

In my professional development class at UCMT we had the assignment to write out our visions of our future careers in massage therapy. I decided to share it here because if for nothing else, it will let me see it every once and awhile and remind me of what I'm working towards. So, here's my 'vision.' :)

I have learned through life’s experiences that you can’t even predict what tomorrow will bring. I have never been one to set goals and make plans. I’ve always just gone with the flow. But, things are changing. I have begun to dream and I see a wonderful life in my future regardless of the trials that may lie in store and wish to destroy me.

One year from now I see myself happily graduated from UCMT and working towards establishing myself as a professional massage therapist here in the Salt Lake valley. I am still single and living alone, but it’s ok. I have a small 2 bedroom apartment and a hairless cat (because I love cats and I can’t live without them, but I have to be conscientious of my clients) and/or a basset hound. In my living room area I have an electric piano keyboard and a flat screen television (and of course a couch that just screams to anyone, “SIT ON ME!”). There is also a chair and a music stand in the corner with a pile of clarinet music to the side that I’ve been practicing. The kitchen is small but bigger than I’ll ever need.  The table is covered with papers, books and nothing associated with eating other than something I’ve been snacking on while figuring out my bills (of course, this is clean when a client is over). The bathroom is clean and not falling apart. My bedroom is small but big enough to fit my bed, a dresser, and a desk for my laptop.

The other bedroom has my massage table set up, waiting for a tired, stressed out body that needs to relax. I may not have many private clients, but I have a few loyal practice clients that have stayed with me throughout school and are proud to have me as a therapist.  This bedroom is open and welcoming. During the day, sunlight floods through the windows. At night, all city lights are blocked off. There is a small table right next to the door as you walk in with a water feature and a bowl full of Andes Mints and a water bottle waiting for the end of the massage. Against the wall opposite the door is a short shelf that has a decorative essential oil diffuser and an iPod dock to play some relaxing music. There is also another short table in the corner in the back that has a warmer full of damp, warm wash cloths and any other supplies needed for the massage such as my lotion, oil, hot and cold therapy creams, and essential oils, etc. On the walls are pictures of sunsets, forests, trees and lakes or oceans that I have personally photographed. In the closet is a shelf with all necessary linens needed for the massage table along with water bottles for the client after the massage. Along with that are any other supplies for other types of massage, such as a mat for Thai Massage or a stone warmer for Hot Stone Therapy. When I am not giving massages at my apartment I can be found working at a local day spa.

I am also practicing my clarinet again, taking lessons and working on my application and audition to graduate school. Once I am accepted into graduate school I will work as a massage therapist to support myself while working on my master’s degree in clarinet performance. This will also be a great time to market myself to musicians around me because I know from personal experience how massage therapy can save one’s playing ability.

In 3-4 years when I graduate from graduate school I will still continue working as a massage therapist and possibly teach clarinet lessons and/or perform with a local orchestra and work towards getting my Doctorate so I can play in a professional symphony. My ultimate dream is to play in a recording orchestra that plays music for movie soundtracks. Is there anything better than getting to help others than through the power of music and massage? I doubt it!