Dear Stress,

I know it's been a long time since we've spent quality time together, so it comes as no surprise that you would come screaming back to me so suddenly. I had almost forgotten how I feel when you are around.
First came word that my Grandma was dying. You were there to greet me with a smile. I thought I could handle your visit. But, then everything else starting piling on (needing to prepare and record a clarinet audition, needing to practice piano music I will never be able to play, etc) and now you've out-stayed your welcome.
My Grandma has passed. My PMS is worse than ever and this weekend looks like hell to be honest. Are you being friendly and letting me just live my life? Of course not. You have to make me cry at the drop of a dime, make my eyes constantly burn (even when employing the use of eye drops), my shoulders feel like they are higher than a kite, my stomach is in knots, I have to constantly take deep breaths so I don't have a panic attack, and I have no desire to talk to anyone. I know I usually grow a little bit once you're gone, but this time I don't see the purpose. You've got me eating the worst food available calling it 'therapy', sleeping in and being more lethargic than ever. My pants are already tighter than they have ever been. Why must you think it's funny to make them tight enough that I'll have to buy more with money I don't have?
You my think it's fun and oh so delightful to put me through a living hell again, but I have responsibilities that I CANNOT ignore. I can't afford to take a day off, nor is it really possible anyways. So, if you please...I beg you to leave. I have work, a concert, work, a funeral and more work to worry about...and then I get to sing all day on Sunday. That is usually a delight, but past experience tells me if you stick around until then, I might end up collapsing. You've done it to me before, I BEG you...please don't do it again.

Sincerely,
Heather

Bread and Sewing

These are the 2 things that I will remember most about my Grandma Carlson. As a little child, once a month, my parents would take me and my little brother to my grandparents' house for the weekend. My parents would go to the temple while my brother and I had time with GM & GPC (as we have come to call them), we would spend the night in the scary basement (scary to me...spiders, pipes, creaking floorboards...you name it, I was scared of it) and after lunch...sometimes dinner, we would drive back home just in time to get ready for bed. As we got older and my dad's health problems prevented them from going as often, these trips stopped. Once I got to high school, we pretty much only made trips for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
If I have one real regret in my life, it's not getting to see my grandparents (and extended family for that matter) more often. I have family in Missouri that I never see (I was about 14 or 15 last time we were there...something I hope can be fixed soon). Anyways, this isn't about my regrets now.
My dear sweet Grandma Carlson has been succumbing to Alzheimer's disease for the past few years (if not more). I got a text from my mom last week that she's really starting to go downhill now. So, I decided to make a trip to see GM & GPC last Sunday. I'm so glad I did. I've had the feeling that I needed to go see them for awhile now. I only wish I had acted on it sooner and possibly more than once. It's been a long time since she's known who I am. But, that doesn't mean that I couldn't be of any worth to her. When I got to their house, she was sitting in her recliner (oh how I loved her recliner...she has a pink one, Grandpa has a blue one) asleep. Their Relief Society president was there. The first impression I got was that their ward is taking very good care of them. Let's face it, my grandpa just can't do everything necessary to take care of her anymore. They have a nurse coming in on a regular basis as well. (I now have a greater deal of respect for CNAs and RNs...when you're on the other side seeing someone you love being cared for, it really means something). I played a couple of hymn arrangements for them. Grandma softly uttered "I like the music." She's in there somewhere...barely. I had a great afternoon talking family history with my grandpa. I got to know him a little better. I really wish I had had a video camera or voice recorder at that time. He told me more about how he was in the war and where he went...he went to Germany and the Philippines (Japan, too, I think).I learned more about where our family comes from. I have Swedish and Italian ancestors, cool, right? :)
But most importantly, I got to see how my grandpa feels about his 'sweetheart.' I've never seen him come close to crying, ever (at least that I can remember). When he started reading a copy of the letter his future in-laws wrote to him about him joining their family, he had to hand over the paper with it and I had to finish reading it because he was so choked up. My grandparents met in Virginia (if I remember correctly). I believe she was on a mission....or he was...I can't remember which one. Their story is really awesome. They had known each other long enough and well enough that he proposed to her after their first date. I always want to laugh at stories like that, but seeing as how it worked for them, I'm starting to think there's really nothing to laugh at. Rather, I'm grateful. I don't know how much longer my Grandma will be alive. We're guessing Christmas may not happen for her. After having gone through Tanner's funeral a couple of years ago, I just can't bare the thought of going through anything like that again. But, I'm grateful that I have time to prepare. Honestly, my Grandma has already been gone for a few years and her body is just barely hanging on.
So, on to the title.
Every morning I would wake up at their house, I would wake up to the sound of the wheat grinder. Grandma made THE BEST bread in the world. She would bake it in cylindrical cans, so the bread came out circle in shape. We would always have granola (although I could never bring myself to eat it) or Cheerios, and toast and honey. I blame my current love of toast and honey on this childhood memory. It's a comfort food really. My grandma sewed and quilted a lot. The quilt on my bead right now was actually my dad's old quilt, which she recovered and tied for me when I was in elementary school. I thought I wanted to replace it...now I'm not so sure...maybe i'll just leave it like that for my own children (if that ever happens). I'm pretty sure she made the dress I wore after my baptism (it was either her or my aunt Janeen...but I'm pretty sure it was her). I loved going in her sewing room and looking at her machines. She always had flowers hanging in the window (Christmas Cactus is one I remember liking a lot). In one of the closets in that room was the box of crayons my brother and I would use to color with.
I loved playing games with Grandpa. Othello and Checkers were fun ones. But, there was one game that I still to this day don't know what happened to it. It was called Situation 4. It was a game that involved racing to put together your side of the board (it was a puzzle) and building an army or something like that. I would play alone against my grandpa and brother as a team. I always won. So, even after some adjustments were made (no-no pieces being the main one), I still won...Grandma didn't like that too much. So, she hid the game.
Lunch involved more of Grandma's wonderful bread. Cottage cheese is also a love of mine because of these lunches. Once the sun room was built, we would eat in there. It was always such a wonderful time. Oh how I miss it. Later on, Grandma decided to learn to play the piano, so they got a piano. They even had an organ. Oh how I loved to play around with the different sounds and accompanying rhythms on that organ.

As you can see, I have a lot of fond memories as a child with my Grandparents. Once I get to high school, the memories don't really exist. What I remember of my Grandma I love. I will miss her immensely once she passes on. She's really the only Grandma I've ever known. (Not to discredit my family in Missouri, but when you see a person a grand total of 4 times (once as a baby, once as a 5-year old, once as a 7-year old for my Grandpa's funeral and then again as a freshman in high school), it really makes a difference.
The best thing I've learned from this situation is that I should never take my family for granted. By the time I realized what I was missing out on, it was too late for her. I will soon only have 2 grandparents alive...my Grandma in Missouri and my Grandpa here in Utah. If you are reading this, please don't make the same mistake I made. Regardless of drama and problems, your family is your family. I'm so grateful for mine and I hope I can get to know mine better (not sure how yet...I hate flying, so the ones that aren't close by are going to pose a problem...but we'll see). :)
Grandma...I love you, I'll miss you, and I will be happy to see you again someday.  

Drama...oh Mama!

So...I'm not sure where to begin...I'm still fending off roaring laughter. There has been a problem with people not cleaning up after themselves ever since I moved in. I hate it. I've been irritated by it constantly. I've made my share of notes, comments and so on about it. No one changes for nagging roommates. It's true! I dare you to prove me wrong. I've just made it a personal goal to take care of myself and not worry about anyone else. It's selfish yes, but at least I know I'm not the one leaving dishes in the sink, junk on the floor and so on.  The new roommates have been convinced that the dishwasher doesn't clean the dishes. So, there is a stack of hand washed dishes on the counter every day or so. I come from a situation where you have to pretty much just wash the dishes before they go in the washer. It's just a fact of life when you live in a cheap or government-funded institution. Hand washing does save on power bills (supposedly) and it's fast when you need something right then and there. But, there is the sponge factor. It has been proven more than once that the kitchen sponge or rag holds more bacteria, viruses, and other gunk than even a toilet seat. I'm not going to eat off of something washed with that. I have slight germ-o-phobic tendencies...so I like the hot dishwasher part. 

Ok....so, we now have new roommates that are young, and just don't get it. This picture is the latest. I saw it and had to run to my room to laugh. I later went out and took a picture of it, because it's just that funny. When I went to take it, I said "I want to remember this." The girls in the room just looked at me with the look that makes you want to run away and hide. But, instead I just wanted to laugh more. I'm working on moving out as soon as possible. I need my own room and I want to live with older people that don't have immaturity issues with the dishes. I know who isn't cleaning up after themselves and she happens to share my room with me. I'm so done with this. It's time to move into my own place and get a cat and/or dog to cope with the loneliness factor. 

Irritated, Bitter Rantings...

Ok...it is not worth your time to read this (if anyone does actually do so).
Today in Sacrament meeting we had two wonderful talks given by two wonderful people that are about to get married. The talks were good, despite being on the topic of marriage, and the Spirit was there.
BUT, once again, the topic of marriage has been pounded into my head. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Seriously. I know it's a commandment to get married and have a family. I would love nothing more than to do so. But, the male gender fails horribly...and, I guess I'm just not what anyone wants right now (or ever). I have done what I can to make myself more appealing to the male gender. Some things I just can't control, but I'm trying. I still have a hard time talking to guys (especially if I think they're attractive in any way). So, that's it universe. I'm done. I fail. Men fail. I will be single for the rest of my mortal life. I'm ok with it, really. I mean, I don't want to be alone, but that's why there are cats, dogs and fish. I just wish people would realize dating and marriage isn't for everyone and that they need to stop drilling it into our minds. It hurts more and more each time. It hit the hardest today when I was asked if I was dating anyone. After all that talk about marriage, someone had to bother me about it personally. I'm sooooo done.

Just a Day

So, it's really late and I'm about to hit the nonsensical point, but I have to jot down some things about my day today.
It all starts with Sunday. There was a CES Fireside broadcast by Elder Richard G. Scott. The last half of his talk hit me in a way that I can't quite explain. I felt more hopeless than I've ever felt about getting married. But, at the same time, I felt ok about everything. So, in my emotional rollercoaster after that talk, I felt like I needed to go to the temple. I was going to go yesterday morning before work, but woke up in a funk and decided to sleep in. Not only did I miss out on going to the temple while it was slow and quiet, but I also almost slept through my job. Anyways....I got through my day yesterday and decided I still needed to go. So, all I could think about today was when I could go. I had decided to go this afternoon after I got off work, but then last night I got called into my other, somewhat existent job (I have 2 permanent jobs and a 3rd one that I am currently subbing at). So, I got up this morning with the idea that it was going to happen because I needed to make up for not going yesterday. Anyways. I got up, went to work at one job, got off, came home, showered, checked my email and left for the temple. I got there and there was a ward with a bunch of youth there. They had me go in and somehow I was able to get in and out in just the right amount of time. (tell me prayers aren't answered...I dare you). It was a wonderful experience. I won't write about it here (too personal). I came out feeling warm, happy and peaceful again. It was wonderful. Then I left and went to my substitute job. At this job I have been subbing for a teacher that has taught piano and violin. Now, any of you that may be reading this that know me, knows that I am not a violin player. The piano lessons are not a problem for me. In fact, I love teaching. The violin part is completely different. As a music education major, I did take 2 semesters of classes that taught me how to play and teach string instruments. So, if I have a beginning student in front of me, I know more than they do and I can handle the lesson just fine. In fact, it's FUN!. I've actually decided to work towards really learning to play the violin because of this. But, there is one student that is not a beginner. Today I found out that they are dropping lessons at the studio due to some serious problems with their program. I tried not to take offense at first, since I am 'just the substitute', but after I found the receipt from their withdrawal process, I can't help but feel a little miffed. On it it asked for a reason for withdrawing. The first part didn't pertain to me. But, then the mother mentioned that the substitute knew NOTHING about violin. Ok, I may not be a master violin player, but I DO know how to play. I can do a few scales, I can hold the bow properly, I can tune the instrument and I can play freaking Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. I don't know NOTHING about the violin. Not only does this hurt my ego (if you can call it that), but now the people that have asked me to sub think I've been doing nothing in the lessons I've been teaching for the past couple of weeks. It really kind of irks me that someone would be so not accurate in their description. It's not like it really matters, and I'm really ok with it. But, really?
Ok. Ranting done. :)
Life is crazy.
I forgot what it was like to be busy. I'm not sure I like it, but at least I can buy some new clothes, buy gas for my car and do more. Yay!
Ok, I'm done for now.
Later!

Ummmmm........

That's the new word of the week for me. More details to follow :)

Friendship...

Ok, so it is past 3am...my vision is getting fuzzy, the hairs on my arms are standing (feels like bugs are crawling all over me), and I'm somewhat listening to the movie "Sabrina" in the background. But, I had to write a little bit about something.
I have recently been contemplating who my real (or is it reel? am I that tired? YES!) (wow) friends are. I won't use any names (hopefully...well....mostly hopefully....in fact, it's probably mostly hopefully...with a touch of hmm).
Life has been hard (I know...it's hard for everyone). Not working and having an income has been a great strain. Living in the dump I call "The Cave" is beyond depressing...I've come to terms that I'm the mom in this place. We will now have the stress of new roommates moving in in the next couple of days. It's MY territory. STAY AWAY!!!!! There's also the added stress of the male gender that I so wonderfully (?) ranted about in my previous blog.
ANYWAYS....
2 things.
Monday an old friend (whom I will name), Eryn Johnson, from high school came out to visit me. We haven't been able to hang out in at least a year. It was SO GOOD to see her! We had a tasty meal from the dollar menu at Wendy's and went to see Charlie St. Cloud. That movie was ok...but the best part was watching Zac Efron. Oh man is he good on the eyes!!!!!! I don't care if he's a little too young. His eyes melt me every time. Eryn and I enjoyed the wet t-shirt scene a little too much I will admit. :)
So, yeah. It was so good to see her. We have been friends since 7th grade I think. We weren't always the closest (gotta love junior high friendships), but for some reason we've been able to be good friends, if not better friends throughout the years. We've even talked about being roommates together if we both found a job in the same area. She's been through a real tough time with a break-up and a lack of a good job. But, she's still herself. I love my friends, I really do. And this visit was just what I needed to get my mind off of some things.
Now, this other friend was a bit of a surprise. I was really struggling with the Spencer thing, and the rest of the male ranting problems. It all kind of hit me that day. I was having a weak moment. My friend started talking to me online and asked what was wrong. Apparently they had to leave the computer for a bit, and well, I thought that this person was just being rude after I had kind of spilled my problems. Later, while I was at the movie, I got a call and a text from this person seeing if I was ok. Now tell me, how many people would've done that? Eventually I got to talk to this person and explain some things. It was so nice to have someone there for me when I needed it. And, honestly, it was just what I needed. Any other person would've given me the response I wasn't looking for. I just feel so lucky to have this person as a friend. They may not be the best person in the world, but I'm finding that this person is getting higher and higher up on the friend list. People surprise me more often than not, and this was a big one.
One of my greatest blessings in life is my friends. Sometimes I am not the greatest friend I can be, but I try. I know I will never be able to make up for the blessings I've received from the friends in my life. Heavenly Father has been watching out for me and knows who I need in my life at certain times. I'm so thankful for this.

Ranting Explained

I know I have a problem with telling things on here that I shouldn't, but at this point, if the people involved in my rantings see this, they will now know how I truly feel.

Boy #1
Danny and I have known each other possibly since kindergarten...maybe longer. He was my first kiss (at age 5), and the only person I knew that had a crush on me (probably still the only one to this day actually). I wrote him on his mission, we had wonderful chats online...and even a couple of fun chats on the phone. I was not all in on wanting to date him, but we had a friendship that had helped me develop a sincere care for him. He never held back that he liked me and that he wanted to date me. I was always hesitant and unsure. I finally gave in and said we could try the relationship thing (long-distance though, since he hasn't lived in Utah since junior high). After that, I lost it. There was very little communication at all. There were other things, but overall, it just didn't work. We met up a couple of times. The first time was really awkward, but I'll just let that be attributed to the fact that he had very recently returned from the mission. The other date was really good actually. He put his arm around me, and I honestly would've let him kiss me that night. But, the damage had already been done by that point. There were some things I could not allow myself to like about him (rpg...) and I had already told him it wasn't going to happen. FAIL. So, fast-forward to now. He has met someone and is already talking wedding dates. It's not like I am sad that he found someone. It just hurts because our friendship is pretty much non-existent now and I feel rejected (even though I rejected him first....stupid...I know...but I'll tell you...his putting his arm around me really felt good and I really thought there might still be a chance). So, yeah. Rejection.

Boy#2
Jon is an interesting story. We went on a couple of dates. I wasn't feeling 100% interested. Nothing really happened. Story over...well...sort of. He and I are still friends. I enjoy talking to him, because I enjoy having any friend at all. I lack guy friends, so that's even better...right? Well, I'm beginning to rethink that. All he talks about to me is other girls he's dating or dated. Even though I'm not interested in him for something serious, it sucks hearing him talk about other girls. I mean...what is a real friendship with a guy supposed to be like? I don't know! Anyways. So...more rejection.

(I know this is full-out rejection per-say, but it's the knowledge that I don't mean anything to these people anymore...knowing that they've moved on, and I'm feeling like a complete failure in the dating game)

Boy #3
Kevin. Oh dear, sweet Kevin. He asked me out. I felt like maybe we were supposed to go out. But, now, I think we merely were meant to be friends. It was completely flattering with the situation though. I know of many people that knew and told me how nervous he was to ask me out. The thought that I could be intimidating enough to someone like him just floors me. But, it was really cute. But, I also somehow managed to evade every chance we had to go out. So, the date never happened. It's all good though. He has met someone now and keeps telling me how happy he is. Which, I'm really truly happy for him. He deserves someone that likes him as much as it sounds like she likes him. It still hurts that I wasn't able to be right in that situation though.

Boy #4
This is the newest one. His name is Spencer. We had a magical day and half together in Logan. He held my hand, we cuddled, we had the deepest conversation I've ever had with a guy before. After that date though, I got really freaked out. I had never held anyone's hand until that night. Not only did he hold my hand, but pretty much everywhere we went, we were holding hands (in public). Now, for someone like me that does not have a lot of dating experience, this was beyond overwhelming. We had a second date. We went to see Inception (great movie by the way). I was successful in avoiding the hand-hold throughout the entire date. Our departure was relatively awkward since he dropped me off at a friend's place and I hadn't seen her in years. So, yeah. I'm fairly certain he was not happy that I didn't even hold his hand. We had discussed that he was going to date other girls and that we weren't exclusive. So, I figured I was ok with everything. Wrong! After our first date he posted as his status on facebook (well, I was going to copy/paste it, but he has since deleted that post...burn!) something to the effect that he had gone to Logan with a 'beautiful lady' to visit his friends. Well, I was feeling bad about the way things ended, so I thought up the idea last night to invite him over for dinner. I'm glad prayers are answered. I prayed for help to know if this was a good or bad idea. ..... Well, I got online today, and his new post said that he had just had the best date ever...blah blah blah...something about a sweet, beautiful date. So, yeah. Oh, and when people asked him who he was with on my date, he never put my name. On this new one, he put her name. Let's just say I'm glad I didn't get to ask him out. Thank you Heavenly Father!

GUYS SUCK
THE END!

General Ranting

The male gender, more specifically males of the single variety, sucks.
The End.

Dessert Fail

Hello there!
So, today was my mother's birthday. My brother and I worked to put on dinner and dessert for her. My brother made some yummy enchiladas. I made brownies. The whole intent of these brownies was to put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top and then smother it with hot fudge. WELL....
The brownies came out of the oven, I thought they were cooled down enough, so I got out the ice cream, got the bowls situated and started loading the many candles into the brownies. Fail #1. The bottoms of the candles started melting into the brownies, so I had to take out the candles. There was about a quarter of the brownie pan now covered in holes with little white rings of wax all inside the holes. So, I decided to let the brownies cool down a lot more. I got online (since I have been deprived of internet for the past couple of days...). I spent a lot of time on there. I realized that we should probably get going with the brownies. Remember how I said that I got the ice cream out???? Fail #2. I shall call what I found 'vanilla soup.' I quickly found the lid and covered the soup. It found its way to the freezer quickly. So, I put the candles back into the brownies. I had a nice row (or rather, rows) of candles all ready to light. I decided to let the soup solidify a bit, so I sat down at the tv with the rest of my family. At 9pm I woke up my mother from her deep, snore-filled slumber and tried to bring everyone to the table. My brother and I proceeded to light the candles. I guess my dad didn't get that we were lighting them at that moment, because he ran to the bathroom. My mom is old enough to utilize MANY candles. So, by the time we got them all lit, some of them were nearing the end of their life. We couldn't wait for my dad, so, Fail #3, my mom had to blow out the candles while my father was relieving himself. And, with all that wax, you guessed it, Fail #4. I don't know how much wax was ingested by my family tonight, but I'm sure it's more than what the body would like (which is none, I'm sure). I found pieces of brownie that had no wax, but the rest of my family didn't mind, so they at it despite the colorful waxy topping.
Oi...I think I shall never do this again. :)
Oh....and the ice cream had turned into a cool whip-like status by the time we got around to consuming it.

Short Blog

Tickle fights...holding hands...cuddling...dancing under the moonlight to no music...
Maybe movies aren't so unrealistic after all...
Just saying ;)

Story Time!

Many years ago...possibly whilst still in high school, my dear friend Julie Jeffery and I began a game on the instant messenger. One person would type a series of random letters and the other person would have to make a sentence out of it. It can get pretty silly sometimes. So, tonight, after many years, the game has taken a turn for the worst. We decided (or rather Julie suggested and I agreed) to make a story out of it. Here is the first out of quite possibly many stories that may ensue. Enjoy! (And remember...the lack of flow is due to the fact that it's based on random letters)


“Plaquey arteries kill,” said Doctor Bill zealously; “obviously people never protect veins, young child.”
Uncomfortable, veins irritated, Sam deeply blushed. “Mister, I should be ashamed, sad & frustrated.”
...Sam’s doctor understood dread fully; back before Naomi died…
“Sam, it’s useless. Veins end.”
“Never!” Sam suddenly declared. “Stupid, foolish, nearsighted doctor!”
Pain instantly bombarded Sam, continued by painful bleeding without bearableness. Floating…killed…murdered. Justice was eternal.


The prequal is in production as I type :)

Apparently I'm Attractive...

Hmm...
So, today was not anything worth writing about. But, tonight at Chorale I had an experience that just made my day. As I walked to the rehearsal, I was told that we were having sectionals. Apparently I had already been requested to help play for the tenor section. I didn't mind one bit. I never spend much time learning my parts anyways and I love to play. So, I went to the sectional and was surrounded by some of the coolest guys (some not so cool...but the majority were). The section leader Jeff introduced me to the section (which I'm sure they already knew who I was). Then out of the blue, someone said something to the effect of "she's attractive!" At first I tried to deny it, but after awhile something in my mind just said, enjoy it. So, I did. I gotta say, it felt oddly wonderful to be called attractive by a guy I barely know. In other words...he wasn't just saying it to say it. He really meant it (if even just to a certain extent). The section treated me like a queen. Seriously. It was so awesome! I don't want to play for any other section ever again. They won me over :)
Later the guy came up to me and said, "Not only are you attractive, your shoes are awesome."
He's got good taste :)
I'm so glad I decided to wear my blue-starred sneakers. :-D
That guy just won a small spot in my heart. Anyone that can call me attractive and actually sound like they mean it is either crazy or just a truly wonderful person...I think he's probably a little crazy, but mostly just the latter of the two.
The end.

Oh...and my hair is wavey!!!! This NEVER happens! I hope it stays this way for awhile...if not permanently!

Therapy

So...I don't really know how this idea has come about. BUT, it is an idea that I can't get out of my mind.
I have always had an interest in doing massage therapy. And, if I could afford it right now, I would be signing up for the next available courses. But, I can't. Oh well. That's not exactly what I'm thinking. In my searching for jobs I can apply for, I have come across many physical therapy jobs. So, I have done more thinking and well, if I must, I must. I have yet another lofty idea of what I'm going to do with my life. I'm not sure how to go about it, since I'm not very knowledgeable about the subject, but I really like this idea. I looked at IHC's jobs hiring page. A physical therapy assistant...not an actual physical therapist, but just an assistant can make around $20 an hour. I could really handle a job like that! Not to mention, I've always had a small interest in the medical field. The massage therapy could be used...and who knows what. I wish I could afford to go back to school! I already miss it (I know...it's not even halfway through summer). Anyways. It's nice to dream. If only I could decide which dream to go for (and be able to afford it).
The end...for now :)

Mawage is what bwings us togedder today...

or rather...what I've been dreaming about lately. Last week I had a rather disturbing dream about getting married. In that dream it was arranged (or something not cool like that). But, there was no groom. And On the way to the temple I realized I had not gone through the temple yet and therefore could not actually get married there. It was NOT a good dream.
This morning I woke up to a better dream about marriage...but it was still weird. I dreamt that I was somehow not in my body...and when I returned, the person that had been in my body had gotten me engaged to someone. When I returned to my body, I had to see if this person was for real. All I can think about was how I felt. I got to know the guy well enough and wow...the love that I felt for him was so wonderful. I was so happy! I couldn't stop saying "I love you!"
Now, I can't imagine (not in the least...ha ha) why I've been dreaming about getting married. Marriage is a wonderful thing. It really is. I have come to doubt my abilities to love someone enough to commit to that long of a relationship. And, I have also come to doubt that any guy will ever want to marry me. BUT, from these dreams I feel an almost renewed sense of hope. First, I can't express the pain I felt in the first dream when I wasn't ready to be sealed in the temple. Therefore, I must be ready. I can't imagine getting married anywhere else. Second, the love I felt in the last dream was real. It is possible to love someone that much. I can't wait for the day when I can feel that for real and forever.
The end :)

Some lyrics I came across and need to keep somewhere...

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

--Billy Joel

And so it goes...

Where to begin...
First of all, if any of you saw a previous post that I have since removed...I feel horrible. Once again I have failed to monitor what I write. I apologize to any and all who read it. I was feeling overwhelmed and wrote some things that I was feeling...even though they aren't completely true to who I really am.
I have struggled with realizing what I missed out on while I was a kid and I have always thought that I would do my best to avoid putting my kids through that. But, I did have a good childhood for the most part. Things got rough in high school, but I need to hold onto the good memories when things were as normal as could be.
Anyways...
I think I need my head checked...
I don't know if I should say anything, because I'm so on the fence about things. But, there is a chance that I actually do like someone. It seems like I'm meant to be in this situation. Maybe he needs it, maybe I need it (or both)...anyways. Before he ever tried to ask me out I felt like I should ask him to the Spring formal at the Institute. I pushed away the feelings saying that there was no way I could. Which, in the end, was probably ok since I was pretty sick the night of the dance. But, I still wonder why I felt so impressed to ask him. The more and more I talk to him, the more and more I find myself being ok with everything. My only fear right now is that I don't know if I can handle being in a situation where I'm actually in a solid friendship with a guy. I have never really been too close to any guy. Every close relationship I've had with a guy has ended badly. Not that I've had many. In fact, I can only think of one. I'm lacking in a good, solid relationship of any kind actually. Maybe it's time to let go and just see what happens. It's not like I'm going to marry him or anything. We're just getting together to watch Grey's Anatomy. He he...I can't wait to try to educate and corrupt him on the subject lol :) Anyways...life is unpredictable. I had no idea I'd be in a situation like this ever. But, I can already tell that I have been blessed and helped in a new way. I pray for help and every time gets better and more comfortable. Like I said, I am pretty sure this is where I need to be right now.

Love: An Udpate

Love is such a funny thing.
Since I blogged last, my life has completely turned around.
I almost ended up dating someone, but things fell through. I'm ok with it. It's hard to date someone you're not 100% interested in. You just can't force it. It was fun for what it was worth. I did enjoy the conversations and it was nice to get texts. And, I experienced my first cuddle with a guy. So, I feel that I learned a lot from that experience. I learned more about myself than anything. At that point I resolved to not desire being in a relationship and to be a serious student.
Why is it that when one decides this, it doesn't work out?
I met someone (ironically) on my date with Jake. At the time this guy was dating someone else (who is now my neighbor) and I didn't know either of them. Then, during the summer I re-met him and we got to be friends (not close by any means...My July 8th blog references this somewhat). I liked him right from the re-meeting. Nothing happened, which is fine. Knowing my luck, anyone should be able to guess what has happened. Although, there was actually some hope. As recently as a few weeks ago we have had some chance encounters, and he actually asked me out (on my birthday of all days). But, alas, he is not interested in me. I knew it from the beginning. It was pretty obvious...I just wish I knew why he actually asked me out in the first place. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to focus on the fact that I actually got to go on a date with him and that I had a great time. But, technically my heart has been broken twice by him now (all within a matter of a couple of weeks...but I won't explain that). I really liked him.
Anyways, so, just as Valentine's Day comes around, a new adventure has begun. I really don't know what happened to be honest. It all happened just today. This guy in my ward flirted like crazy with me at the linger longer, offered to let me ride his motorcycle (an offer I wanted to take, but had to refuse due to the fact I was wearing a skirt that was not motorcycle-friendly) and walked me home (offering his hand at one point to help me descend the ice mountain on the side of Harrison). Oh, did I mention he handed me a chocolate rose? Crazy, huh? Things like that don't happen to me. I couldn't believe he was even talking to me, let alone handing me a chocolate rose, flirting with me, holding my hand and oh man....I just don't believe it! I almost cried when he handed me the rose. I don't think I'll ever eat it. It represents a hope that I thought could not exist.
Anyways.
That's the update on my 'love' life. Changes just keep coming. I never thought I would ever be the desire of any man. Since November, I have been on dates with 3 separate men, with signs of a 4th. From being able to count all my dates on 2 hands to this....I never thought it was possible. I planned on being an old maid, crazy cat lady and vl for eternity.
Am I really ready for anything like an actual relationship? Probably not, nor do I really want one still. I just want to know that I'm not a failure in the dating world. What a crazy turn around! :)