Ever since my dad passed away I have been struggling with severe anxiety and panic attacks. The worst episode I had was while I was trying to fall asleep.
I laid in my bed feeling so absolutely terrified that I thought I was actually losing my mind. I feared that if I did not stay awake and stay focused, I would lose my literal sanity forever. I felt out of control. I felt as if I was fighting to stay alive. I had to consciously make an effort to breathe. I didn't get much sleep that night. The only reason I did sleep at all was because my eyes just couldn't stay open any longer.
I haven't had too many attacks as severe as that particular one, but every now and then I come close.
Tonight is one of those nights.
It is past 3 am now. My eyes are getting heavy. I decided to take a sleep aide this time. I have multiple essential oils difusing and have also slathered myself in oils that are supposed to help with anxiety. And yet, I still feel as if my heart is ready to stop beating. I fear that if I don't concentrate enough, I will die.
I can't begin to express how horrifying this is.
Breathing is a literal chore.
I know the morning is already coming and I fear I may sleep in late enough that I will have wasted the day away.
This is not who I want to be. I don't know why this was triggered by my dad's death, but it was and I don't know how to deal with it.
Everyone keeps telling me to get therapy.
Can I tell you how hard it is to even begin thinking about finding a therapist?! Oh, and I'm not insured as of right now...so paying for one is overwhelming enough to make me avoid it.
I want to sleep soundly again
I stayed with my mother in Missouri for a week just this past week. I wanted to visit her for her birthday. It was a good trip.
There was only one night in which I felt only a minimal pang of anxiety. And as quickly as it came, it left. I have never been able to pass or so quickly...not since my dad died at least.
It only took me one full day and night to return to my previous anxieties.
I don't feel safe in my house and my mind is obviously overwhelmed with some things.
I think the sleep aide may actually be working. This is a miracle!!!
I thought I knew what bad anxiety and insomnia were like.
I was wrong.
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Having anxiety like this is like literally living in hell on earth.
Hopefully I will be able to sleep some now.
Goodnight!
