Therapy

So...I don't really know how this idea has come about. BUT, it is an idea that I can't get out of my mind.
I have always had an interest in doing massage therapy. And, if I could afford it right now, I would be signing up for the next available courses. But, I can't. Oh well. That's not exactly what I'm thinking. In my searching for jobs I can apply for, I have come across many physical therapy jobs. So, I have done more thinking and well, if I must, I must. I have yet another lofty idea of what I'm going to do with my life. I'm not sure how to go about it, since I'm not very knowledgeable about the subject, but I really like this idea. I looked at IHC's jobs hiring page. A physical therapy assistant...not an actual physical therapist, but just an assistant can make around $20 an hour. I could really handle a job like that! Not to mention, I've always had a small interest in the medical field. The massage therapy could be used...and who knows what. I wish I could afford to go back to school! I already miss it (I know...it's not even halfway through summer). Anyways. It's nice to dream. If only I could decide which dream to go for (and be able to afford it).
The end...for now :)

Mawage is what bwings us togedder today...

or rather...what I've been dreaming about lately. Last week I had a rather disturbing dream about getting married. In that dream it was arranged (or something not cool like that). But, there was no groom. And On the way to the temple I realized I had not gone through the temple yet and therefore could not actually get married there. It was NOT a good dream.
This morning I woke up to a better dream about marriage...but it was still weird. I dreamt that I was somehow not in my body...and when I returned, the person that had been in my body had gotten me engaged to someone. When I returned to my body, I had to see if this person was for real. All I can think about was how I felt. I got to know the guy well enough and wow...the love that I felt for him was so wonderful. I was so happy! I couldn't stop saying "I love you!"
Now, I can't imagine (not in the least...ha ha) why I've been dreaming about getting married. Marriage is a wonderful thing. It really is. I have come to doubt my abilities to love someone enough to commit to that long of a relationship. And, I have also come to doubt that any guy will ever want to marry me. BUT, from these dreams I feel an almost renewed sense of hope. First, I can't express the pain I felt in the first dream when I wasn't ready to be sealed in the temple. Therefore, I must be ready. I can't imagine getting married anywhere else. Second, the love I felt in the last dream was real. It is possible to love someone that much. I can't wait for the day when I can feel that for real and forever.
The end :)

Some lyrics I came across and need to keep somewhere...

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

--Billy Joel

And so it goes...

Where to begin...
First of all, if any of you saw a previous post that I have since removed...I feel horrible. Once again I have failed to monitor what I write. I apologize to any and all who read it. I was feeling overwhelmed and wrote some things that I was feeling...even though they aren't completely true to who I really am.
I have struggled with realizing what I missed out on while I was a kid and I have always thought that I would do my best to avoid putting my kids through that. But, I did have a good childhood for the most part. Things got rough in high school, but I need to hold onto the good memories when things were as normal as could be.
Anyways...
I think I need my head checked...
I don't know if I should say anything, because I'm so on the fence about things. But, there is a chance that I actually do like someone. It seems like I'm meant to be in this situation. Maybe he needs it, maybe I need it (or both)...anyways. Before he ever tried to ask me out I felt like I should ask him to the Spring formal at the Institute. I pushed away the feelings saying that there was no way I could. Which, in the end, was probably ok since I was pretty sick the night of the dance. But, I still wonder why I felt so impressed to ask him. The more and more I talk to him, the more and more I find myself being ok with everything. My only fear right now is that I don't know if I can handle being in a situation where I'm actually in a solid friendship with a guy. I have never really been too close to any guy. Every close relationship I've had with a guy has ended badly. Not that I've had many. In fact, I can only think of one. I'm lacking in a good, solid relationship of any kind actually. Maybe it's time to let go and just see what happens. It's not like I'm going to marry him or anything. We're just getting together to watch Grey's Anatomy. He he...I can't wait to try to educate and corrupt him on the subject lol :) Anyways...life is unpredictable. I had no idea I'd be in a situation like this ever. But, I can already tell that I have been blessed and helped in a new way. I pray for help and every time gets better and more comfortable. Like I said, I am pretty sure this is where I need to be right now.